Life with Father

Clarence Day:
"I'm going to be baptized, damn it!"

Father:
They can't keep me out of heaven on a technicality!

Clarence Day:
Jiminy, another wreck on the New Haven. That always disturbs the stock market. Father won't like that.

Vinnie:
I do wish the New Haven would stop having wrecks. If they knew how much it upsets your father.

Father:
What's that doing in here?

Vinnie:
That's our new rubber plant.

Father:
The place for rubber plants is on the equator. Take that object out, Catherine. You're not Catherine.

Annie:
No, sir.

Father:
Good. Never liked Catherine, anyway.

Father:
Why did God make so many dumb fools and Democrats?

Father:
Madam, *I* am the character of my home.

Rev. Dr. Lloyd:
After considerable thought, we voted that out supporting members should each contribute a sum equal to the cost of their pew.

Father:
I paid $5,000 for that pew.

Vinnie:
Yes, Clare, that makes out contribution $5,000.

Father:
That's robbery. Do you know what that pew is worth today? $3,000. That's what the last one sold for. I've taken a dead loss on that pew of $2,000 already. Frank Bags sold me that pew when the market was at its peak. He knew when to get out. And I'm warning you, Vinnie. If the market ever goes up, I'm going to unload that pew!

Rev. Dr. Lloyd:
Mrs. Day, your husband is a practical man. We've had to be practical about the new church. We have all the facts and figures.

Father:
Oh? What's the property worth where we are now?

Rev. Dr. Lloyd:
Oh, let's see. Is it $40,000? I know the figure has a four in it.

Father:
What's the new piece of property going to cost you?

Rev. Dr. Lloyd:
I think the figure I heard mentioned was $85,000. Or was it $185,000?

Father:
Dr. Lloyd, you preach that someday, we'll all have to answer to God.

Rev. Dr. Lloyd:
We shall indeed.

Father:
Well, I hope God doesn't ask you any questions with figures in them!

Vinnie:
But Clare, they're just staying in that little room of Clarence's.

Father:
The trouble is, they don't stay there. They stay in the bathroom. Every time I want to take a bath, it's full of giggling females washing their hair!

Mary:
That's funny. The words are the same, but it's the wrong tune.

Clarence Day:
Oh, it can't be the wrong tune. We sing it exactly that way in church.

Mary:
We don't sing it that way in the Methodist Church. You see, we're Methodist.

Clarence Day:
Oh, that's too bad. Oh, I don't mean it's too bad that you're a Methodist. Anybody's got a right to be anything they want, but what I mean is, we're... *Episcopalians*.

Father:
I don't go to church to be preached at as though I were some lost sheep.

Vinnie:
Clare, you don't seem to understand what the Church is for.

Father:
Vinnie, if there's one place the Church should leave alone, it's a man's soul!

Vinnie:
Is that suit of your father's too tight for you?

Clarence Day:
No, it's not too tight.

Vinnie:
Well, what is it?

Clarence Day:
Mother, very peculiar things have happened since I started to wear this suit. I can't seem to make these clothes do anything Father wouldn't do.

Vinnie:
Oh, that's nonsense. And not to kneel in church is a sacrilege.

Clarence Day:
Making Father's trousers kneel seemed like more of a sacrilege.

Vinnie:
I do the best I can to keep down expenses. You know yourself Cousin Phoebe spends twice as much as we do.

Father:
Don't talk to me about your cousin Phoebe.

Vinnie:
You talk about your own relatives enough.

Vinnie:
That's not fair, Vinnie. When I talk about my relatives, I criticize them.

Father:
Work never hurt anyone. It's good for them. But if you're going to work, work hard. King Solomon had the right idea about work. "Whatever thy hand findest to do," Solomon said, "do thy doggonedest."

Vinnie:
That's the loveliest ring you ever bought me. Now that I have this, you needn't buy me any more rings.

Father:
Well, if you don't want anymore . . .

Vinnie:
What I'd really like now is a nice diamond necklace.

Mother:
We'll have to have dinner out.

"Not in Father's trousers?"