Liv and Maddie

[repeated line]

South Salamanca:
You don't even know.

[Parker dresses in a suit to impress Liv's former co-star]

Pete Rooney:
Looks like somebody has a crush on South.

Parker Rooney:
America, has a crush on South. I'm the guy who has a shot.

[Joey tries to soothe his mother's fears over losing her husband to an old high school flame]

Joey Rooney:
One other thing; Dad married *you.*

Karen Rooney:
Well he did, didn't he? He could've married Christie Brinkley in there, but instead he chose Carol Burnett.

Joey Rooney:
I don't know who either of those two people are, but if it makes you happy, go with it.

[after swiping "the key of power" from Joey]

Artie Smalls:
Never underestimate a ginger! We have paprika in our blood!

[Parker spots Liv's former co-star flirting with Diggie]

Parker Rooney:
Stay away from South. My sister might have a crush on you, but I will CRUSH YOU!

Joey Rooney:
[during a confessional] Artie and I weren't always sworn enemies. In the 7th grade, we were in a band.

Artie Smalls:
[cut to Artie's confessional] Correction - we were in the most awesome band ever. We called ourselves "Acne."

Joey Rooney:
[back to Joey's confessional] Our rock anthem "Pop the Pimple" was number one on the middle school charts. Who knows how far we could've gone. But we broke up, because *somebody* had a bit of an ego.

Artie Smalls:
[back to Artie's confessional] Ego; "E" for excellence, "G" for greatness, and "O" for "Oh, I'm so good!"

Liv Rooney:
I didn't know you played the drums.

Willow:
Yeah. Took it up recently.

Liv Rooney:
Needed something to uhh... beat with a stick to release your pent up frustrations about Joey not returning your affections?

Willow:
[nearly sobbing] Why won't he love me, Liv? Why?

[beats the lockers with her drumsticks]

[Liv stumbles during a band rehearsal]

Willow:
Liv, are you okay?

Liv Rooney:
Yep. Yuppers. [chuckles nervously] Yes, I'm just kind having trouble focusing. I just need to find something to block out all my distractions.

[cuts to a confessional]

Liv Rooney:
You know, like sunglasses, or like a blindfold, or blackout curtains to block the sun that shines in Holden's eyes.

Liv Rooney:
[during a confessional] There is one week out of the entire year where there is no sports, so our sports-crazed school invented Cowbell Week.

Joey Rooney:
[cut to Joey's confessional] You're out when somebody hangs a cowbell around your neck. I have been eliminated super early every year, but this year I think I'm...

[Parker hangs a cowbell on him]

Joey Rooney:
Oh, DANG IT!

Parker Rooney:
Moo it out, Munch.

Joey Rooney:
[sadly] Mooooo.

[after throwing a cowbell around the neck of another student]

Maddie Rooney:
YES! Aww, my first bell of the year! I am the milkmaid, Hear me pour!

Josh:
So, about Maddie. Is she seeing anybody?

Liv Rooney:
No, why?

[gasps when she suddenly realizes... ]

Liv Rooney:
YOU LIKE MADDIE!

Josh:
How can you not? She's adorable.

[to the audience]

Joey Rooney:
Space Werewolves is the greatest sci-fi graphic novel ever. It is the epic tale of Tristan Lycanth; Half-wolf, half-human, and his battle to save his planet. It is like Star Wars, and Lord of the Rings had a baby, and then The Avengers adopted it.

Maddie Rooney:
There once was a lady named Mom...

Parker Rooney:
Who said that poetry was quote, "da bomb"...

Liv Rooney:
She thought we'd be stoked...

Joey Rooney:
To pin poems to the oak...

Maddie Rooney:
all: But she could not have been more "da wrong".

Parker Rooney:
Good job, guys. I didn't think we could pull it off.

[Liv dresses up for a date with her boyfriend]

Liv Rooney:
Okay, what do you guys think? Is Miller going to like this? Does this outfit say, Fantasta-licious with a touch of "Bling-a-ding-ding?"

Maddie Rooney:
I stopped having an opinion like, twelve "Bling-a-ding-dings" ago.

[Liv is distraught and angry over her boyfriend's text breakup]

Liv Rooney:
He used ocean body spray. [sighs] He always smelled like the beach. I love the beach. [sudden rage] He ruined THE BEACH!

[Liv dramatically describes one of her movies]

Liv Rooney:
We open on a deserted bank. A grungy street kid zooms by on a skateboard. She's pretty, but doesn't know it.

Maddie Rooney:
Oh, I'm pretty sure she knows it.

Evan:
I love your family, Mrs Rooney!

Karen Rooney:
Thank you, Evan. That's so sweet!

Evan:
I don't care what my mom says: the bad parents are the fun ones.

Karen Rooney:
Hey, what did I say about running in the house?

Evan:
[rudely] What did I say about talking back, woman?

Pete Rooney:
We met with the music industry's top managers. We all decided to hire Becki Bickelhoff. She represents the biggest names in music today.

Karen Rooney:
We've never heard of any of them. But to be fair, the last record we bought was... a record.

Parker Rooney:
Lovie Dovie Lizard; I haven't played with her since I was two, and I forgot she could do this: [pulls the string on the toy]

Lovie Dovie Lizard:
If you were Thursday, I'd want every day to be Thursday. [giggles]

Parker Rooney:
Dad's giving me a dollar for every love note I "write." And this stupid thing says a million stupid things. I'm gonna be stupid rich.

Maddie Rooney:
It's just that, you've been working so much, and I'm going to be leaving for the Junior Olympics basketball soon.

Diggie:
Don't remind me. I already miss you.

Stains:
Aww. Love. BLEAGH!

[repeated line, as Tristan Lycanth]

Liv Rooney:
You mess with the wolf, you get the howl. [howls like a wolf]

[a movie director seeks the Rooney boys' opinion of a scene]

Parker Rooney:
I think you're ruining the greatest story ever told!

Joey Rooney:
This is the most action-packed moment in the graphic novel, and you're going to have her skip over a puddle and pose for pictures? This is an abomination!

Parker Rooney:
I have no idea what that word means, but if it means... [blows a raspberry and gives a thumbs down gesture] then I concur!

[during a confessional]

Liv Rooney:
What did I just say? All my own stunts? The most dangerous thing I've ever had to do on [singing] Sing It Loud... [back to normal] was sing loud!

[the Rooney parents and friends bring an injured Maddie home from a game]

Willow:
This is all my fault. If I hadn't stole the ball and passed it to Maddie to make the shot, this never would've happened. Curse my lighting quick reflexes.

Joey Rooney:
[puts his arms around her shoulder] Willow, don't beat yourself up.

Willow:
[pushing his arm off] Joey, this is no time for romance. I don't deserve it. [takes his arm back] Okay maybe just for a minute.

[during a confessional]

Maddie Rooney:
I'm a jock [chuckles] , and I though I was invincible. But I guess I'm not. And that's scary.

[after performing some elaborate stunt work, with much fanfare from the crew]

Liv Rooney:
I did it! I did all my own stunts!

[giggles]

Vic Defazerelli:
Great. Let's do it again, and we'll shoot it this time.

[Maddie took the blame for a false shoplifting accusation against Liv]

Maddie Rooney:
Because... Ugh! If I hadn't, the security guard would've caught you, and it would've been all over the news quicker than that picture of a ducking cuddling a kitten.

Liv Rooney:
Aw, man. Did you see that though? [Maddie giggles] It was the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Maddie Rooney:
Quack, quack, quack.

Liv Rooney:
Mew, mew, mew.

Maddie Rooney:
Quack, quack, quack.

Liv Rooney:
Mew, mew, mew, mew, mew, mew.

[Liv is being sought for an unlikely movie role]

Liv Rooney:
The people making the movie saw my episode of "Sing It Loud!" where I dreamt I was on an international space station, and I saved the earth by singing the high note that shattered the asteroid before it hit earth. [sings a high note, and imitates an explosion]

Parker Rooney:
I love that episode.

Karen Rooney:
Really? Because I had some logic problems with it... oh, but you sparkled, honey.

[repeated line]

Liv Rooney:
[singing the title of her hit TV show] Sing it Loud!

[repeated line]

Maddie Rooney:
Bam! What!

Bam What

[Joe talking to Parker]

Joe:
Right side down or Left side [scofs] no your right both sides [pulles scarf down and chokes himself]