Losers Take All

Brian:
[after being beaten up by jocks for listening to Black Flag] You know what?

Dave:
What?

Brian:
We need to start a band.

Greg Glaverman:
[Drunk off wine coolers] Everybody tuned in and plugged up?

Wendy Horowitz:
I just wanted to let you guys know I really liked your show.

Lance:
You know that, like... we suck.

Wendy Horowitz:
Yeah. But in a good way.

Dave:
We do suck in the grand scheme of things.

Vicky:
The grand scheme of things is Huey Lewis and the News. Which you guys aren't, thank God.

Greg Glaverman:
She's right. You're not Huey Lewis or the News.

Brian:
[Listening to Bad Brains] That's a song, man. That needs to be us.

Dave:
That'll never be us.

Brian:
Why not?

Dave:
First of all... Bad Brains are black. Second of all, we can't keep a band together for more than 5 minutes.

Brian:
Aren't you guys excited to me moving in with us?

Billy:
Hey man, we just started dating. I don't know if Lance and I are ready to move in just yet.

Greg Glaverman:
[Handing the boys a business card] My name's Greg Glaverman. I manage and promote bands.

Dave:
[Looking at the card] It says here you sell furniture, Greg.

Greg Glaverman:
That's an old card. The new ones are gonna say both.

Billy:
[Suddenly realizing] I know you, dude! You're that guy who's always getting his ass kicked in those TV commercials!

[the band cracks up]

Greg Glaverman:
So... have you guys, like, cut a demo? Is there anything I could listen to? I've got a cassette player in my car, I could just pop it in.

Dave:
Are you serious?

Lance:
What's "Slamdini" like in real life?

Greg Glaverman:
He's pretty nice. We don't really talk much. I'm serious about the demo.

Kenny:
[Yelling at Billy and Lance] How are we ever gonna make it anywhere as a band if you guys can't act professional on stage? I mean... you can't just do what you want out there! This is rock and roll! There are rules, man!

Greg Glaverman:
[Snorts cocaine for the first time, to the dealer] You wouldn't happen to have any of this for sale, would you?

Brian:
So, did you girls enjoy the show?

Simone:
What show? Was there a show?

Brian:
[to Dave] Comedian.

Simone:
Comedienne.

Brian:
I was gonna say that.

Ellie:
[Hands Lance a bag for a Fingers record] Why don't you guys take this as payment? I've got to unload them before my dad gets here anyway.

Billy:
Is that weed?

Ellie:
Mushrooms.

Greg Glaverman:
[Runs by, high on cocaine] Mushrooms? Freak out! That's hippie sh*t. Child's play!

Ellie:
...is that your roadie?

Billy:
Um... something like that...

Billy:
[Taking a bong hit after listening to Greg's rehab letter] Drugs are bad.

Brian:
God forbid you should follow your dreams.

Greg Glaverman:
Do it!

[Brian and Dave approach Billy and Lance tripping on mescaline]

Brian:
Great show guys.

Billy:
Yeah right.

Brian:
No, I... I'm serious. You guys ever thought about joining a real band?

Dave:
What real band?

Brian:
Our real band.

Dave:
[Realizing Brian's idea]... no... no no no no no, not these guys. They're all heavy metal and sh*t.

Billy:
[Scoffs] Whatever, dude.

Dave:
Sorry...

Brian:
[to Dave] It's okay. Why don't you just leave the staffing & sonic stylings to me, okay? I can mold these guys into our sound.

Lance:
[to Billy] Do they know that we're, like, right in front of them?

Billy:
Who the f*** are you guys? We don't even know you!

Brian:
Look, this is Dave. He is the best bass player in the whole tri-county universe.

Dave:
[Genuinely touched] Thanks... this is Brian. He's out of his goddamn mind.

Brian:
Look, I know this is gonna sound crazy, okay? But after you lost... Gandalf on bass, I had a vision of a band that we're all in. It's not metal, it's not really punk and you know what? It doesn't suck.

Lance:
[Takes a long drag on his spliff] So are you guys, like... on drugs or something?

Dave:
No, we're not.

Billy:
You got any more?

Brian:
...yes.

Greg Glaverman:
[Watching Brian make out with Simone] Hey, wait a minute, I know that girl.

Billy:
[Drunk, surprised] You do? How?

Greg Glaverman:
She's like punk rock royalty.

Lance:
So how do you know her?

Greg Glaverman:
Well, her boyfriend's Miles Monroe.

Lance:
I'm thinking maybe they broke up.

Billy:
Who the hell is Miles Monroe?

Greg Glaverman:
He started Miles Per Hour Records. [Billy and Lance are blank] Miles Per Hour Records? One of the best indies in the country? It's right here in town! It's the label you guys wanna be on.

Billy:
Warner Bros is the label I wanna be on. With Van Halen.

Lance:
Yeah, yeah... and whatchimacallit, uh... D?sker H?.

Greg Glaverman:
[Watching Brian make out with Simone] I hope Brian's wearing a rubber. Guys, if there's one thing I've learned it's that chlamydia is not a flower. It's a cotton swab the size of a majorette's baton jammed in your urethra.

Billy:
Greg... we're dudes. We don't have urethras. We have d*cks. The only reason I'm in this band is for the chicks.

Lance:
Yeah. If I didn't wanna meet chicks, I'd sell furniture.