Louis Theroux's Weird Weekends

Louis Theroux:
It's like a real-life Jurassic Park, but without the dinosaurs.

Louis Theroux:
[Narrating] For the first time in my life, I was second billing to a Nazi.

[Louis is visiting a military-style training camp for Boer youths]

Louis Theroux:
They do know that the Anglo-Boer War is over, right?

Fritz Meyer:
Well, you must ask your Queen to apoligise. I think that'll be the decent thing to do.

Louis Theroux:
Queen Elizabeth? Yeah, I'll...

Fritz Meyer:
Yeah. Tell her to just say "I'm sorry".

Louis Theroux:
I'll give her a call this evening.

Eugene Terre'Blanche:
My task is to defend my people against the ideas to destroy my people.

Louis Theroux:
This is an exciting new country, a democratic country...

Eugene Terre'Blanche:
Exciting? Exciting? Why are you saying that? What is exciting, that the people who build the highways and the schools are not in the government anymore, is that exciting? The downfall of civilisation...

Louis Theroux:
[interrupting] Mr Terre'Blanche, I feel as though you're hectoring me a little bit, can we just lower the tone slightly?

Eugene Terre'Blanche:
No, no, you are having the interview with me, I'll choose the volume of the tone, do you understand me?

Louis Theroux:
Yes.

Eugene Terre'Blanche:
OK, then you accept it. And if you don't want to have your interview, take your cameras and go.

Louis Theroux:
OK, OK, understood.

Eugene Terre'Blanche:
I am not in court and you are not cross-questioning me, OK?

Louis Theroux:
No, I understand that. I just meant that...

Eugene Terre'Blanche:
So don't try to be cocky, my friend.

Louis Theroux:
I'm not trying to be cocky. I'm really trying to establish some kind of dialogue.

Eugene Terre'Blanche:
You take another tone, my friend, and NEVER tell me I must reduce my volume. I'm a Boer, and I don't need you or your publicity, my friend. All right?

Louis Theroux:
Can I just shake hands and say thank you very much - you have a firm handshake... Oh, that hurts, why are you squeezing it so hard?

Eugene Terre'Blanche:
What am I? Am I not a man?

Louis Theroux:
Meaning? Am I not a man, is that Shakespeare?

[Win Paris is appearing on a public access TV channel to promote his exercise invention]

Louis Theroux:
This is local cable access?

Robin:
Yes.

Louis Theroux:
So what would you say is roughly the audience of this show?

Robin:
I think our subscriber base is about 8000.

Louis Theroux:
What would be a good viewership for this show?

Robin:
If we have 10, that's good.

Louis Theroux:
10 what?

Robin:
10 people.

Louis Theroux:
[laughing] No, 10 isn't that good, is it?

Robin:
I tried to tell him the numbers are really small.

Louis Theroux:
So, that's fewer people than are in here right now?

Robin:
That's correct.

SBTV Technician:
[incredulous] They're singing a song called 'A Man Named Win'?

Win Paris:
[talking to some children on the public access TV show] When you have bad digestion you get constipated. You know constipated means? And I want you to be emancipated! Emancipated from constipated, I mean what could be better than that?

Louis Theroux:
[discussing what he will wear during his appearance on the Home Shopping Channel] I'm very fond of this orange shirt of mine.

Catherine Amis - Vice President of Programming:
You can be fond of it at home...

Louis Theroux:
[reading from a Thai phrasebook] Did you come? I like you being on top. [to Ronnie] Why have you highlighted "I like the rear entry position"?

[Louis meets a couple of women enrolling at Ronnie Conrad's Anglo-Thai Introductions agency]

Louis Theroux:
And how old are you?

Ann:
Nineteen.

Louis Theroux:
Nineteen?

Ronnie Conrad:
Well funnily enough, under 20 they're harder to place. They want a wife, not a daughter.

Louis Theroux:
Or a grandaughter.

[Louis watches a Thai girl filming an audition video, she sits in a chair with a placard on the table next to her displaying her name and a serial number]

Louis Theroux:
It's bit like a hostage videotape in a funny way. Do you know what I mean, Ronnie?

Ronnie Conrad:
Mmm... not exactly sure, no.

Louis Theroux:
"I am not being mistreated."

Ronnie Conrad:
Oh yes, yes.

[he laughs]

Ronnie Conrad:
No, it's not quite like that.

[Lake, with the help of an interpreter, is talking to a Thai woman]

Lake Palmer:
I would love... love? And cherish... I would...

[Lawrence interrupts them]

Lawrence Lynch:
[holding some forms] Oh sorry, Lake... Didn't know you hadn't - I was going to ask...

Lake Palmer:
[holding up a hand] Later.

Lawrence Lynch:
[stepping away] Yeah, OK.

Lake Palmer:
Later. [turns back to the discussion] Right, um, I would hope she - I-I-I... That's put me off now.

[Louis visits Lake Palmer and his new Thai bride in his hotel room]

Louis Theroux:
How's it all been going?

Lake Palmer:
It has been like a fairytale. We had very hectic two days. Very hectic, you know?

Louis Theroux:
I... I speak English.

Lake Palmer:
Ah - Oh, sorry.

Lake Palmer:
[recounting what's happened in the two days since he met his bride] Then Mr. Lawrence Lynch comes in with his wife and we say "Guess what? We have some news to tell you." [to his bride] Huh? He could not believe it, yeah? [turns back to Louis] I say "We're going to get married." He went "Ahhh! What?" He said that must be the shortest period of time in his entire history!

Louis Theroux:
Very quick. Too quick?

Lake Palmer:
Well, when you see a bargain, do you let it get away?

Louis Theroux:
What is it do you think that Thai women possess, in your view, that makes them so attractive to western men?

Lawrence Lynch:
Well, they're extremely beautiful...

Lake Palmer:
Femininity. They're so regal.

Lawrence Lynch:
You've got it, you've got it.

Lake Palmer:
They're so... so eman... uneman... is it unemancipated or emancipated? English women want to be men. A woman is a woman, and must be treated as such.

Louis Theroux:
Yeah. I have a hunch that western women will be a bit shocked by some of the things you're saying...

Lake Palmer:
That's good. Let them be shocked, probably change their ways a bit.

Louis Theroux:
You think so?

Lake Palmer:
Yeah!

Lawrence Lynch:
I think that maybe they should be shocked. I think the pendulum has maybe swung a little bit too far from the 1950s on to the situation now where perhaps the lady is wearing the trousers a little bit but still wants to treated as a lady.

Louis Theroux:
Lake, have you had bad luck with western women?

Lake Palmer:
I've had very bad experiences, I find it very hard to trust now. I just want to be happy.

Louis Theroux:
Nothing wrong with that.

Lake Palmer:
I want to love and I want to be loved back. But I find nobody wants me. If I could find happiness in England, would I be sitting here now? Would I pay the money to come out here?

Louis Theroux:
It's your first date.

[Lake shrugs]

Lake Palmer:
You've calmed me down a lot.

Louis Theroux:
Have I? I've been trying to wind you up.

Lake Palmer:
Have you? Bastard.

[he laughs]

Lake Palmer:
You haven't. No, you're alright. Lawrence wound me up.

Louis Theroux:
Did he?

Lake Palmer:
Yeah.

Louis Theroux:
How? What do you mean, why?

Lake Palmer:
Just his attitude sometimes.

Louis Theroux:
Why?

Lake Palmer:
Well, the way he carries on!

Lawrence Lynch:
It's just that time, I'm afraid, it's the time for you to meet your chosen lady.

Lake Palmer:
[while he tries to talk, Lawrence keeps butting in and doesn't seem to pay full attention, which agitates him] I will ask the questions in Thai, the interpreter tells me... right? And then-then-then, the interpreter tells the lady the things that... the things that I am offering...

[raises his voice]

Lake Palmer:
Well, listen!

[Louis winces at this little outburst, then laughs]

Lake Palmer:
The interpreter tells the lady the things that I'm offering.

Lawrence Lynch:
[off-camera] OK.

Lake Palmer:
All right?

Louis Theroux:
Try and stay calm...

Lake Palmer:
I am calm!

Louis Theroux:
It's just the way you said "LISTEN!"

Lake Palmer:
[exasperated] Well, he don't listen, does he?

Louis Theroux:
Keep it calm... keep it calm, keep it calm. Are you alright there, Lawrence?

Lawrence Lynch:
Yes...

[he does a jokey little shudder]

Lawrence Lynch:
I can take it!

[Louis goes back to Lawrence Lynch's agency for an update on how Lake Palmer is doing]

Louis Theroux:
So when we last met, Lake had been on a date with Sai. And what's happened since then?

Lawrence Lynch:
Um, we got feedback on the date next morning, and Lake was sort of lukewarm on it.

Louis Theroux:
No, he wasn't!

Lawrence Lynch:
Alright, a little bit more than lukewarm, but the lady was lukewarm at the end of the day. So that one fell on stoney ground. And he went on two more dates, and lo and behold, this particular lady caught Lake's eye, they had a half-hour together sort of expressing what they were looking for in partners, as we always do, and agreed to go out on their first date, at 7 o'clock that evening.

Louis Theroux:
So, this is two days ago this has happened?

Lawrence Lynch:
Indeed. Since then they've got married. They're married, they married this morning. We've just come back from their wedding about 3 hours ago. They're very happy.

[Louis' jaw has literally dropped]

Troy Halston:
[reading from a script for a gay porn film] I sure am glad I saved you from that city life.

Louis Theroux:
[reading from the script] Yeah.

[reads out a stage direction]

Louis Theroux:
This guy opens door, sees our couple piled in sweat and cum.

[turns to the camera crew]

Louis Theroux:
This is a little rude for the BBC.

Louis Theroux:
Did you always dream about working in porn when you were growing up?

Donna Warner:
It's what I wanted to do. Sex - just want sex, all the while, nymphomaniac, can't help it.

Louis Theroux:
Really?

Donna Warner:
Yeah. If I worked in an office I'd most probably shag the whole office and get the sack when I got to the boss.

Louis Theroux:
Or get a promotion more likely.

Sharon Mitchell:
The one thing that I've noticed about guys is that they come in very sweet, very open, very tentative and almost tender at times, and then as you see them film after film after film you kind of see that glazed look go over, and it's the look, it's the change, and you suddenly realise that you too could be a piece of meat, a hole in the wall or whatever fantasy is inside their head. It's a degree of the utmost impersonal.

Louis Theroux:
So, does that screw a person up, do you think?

Sharon Mitchell:
Yeah. Yeah, sure, it's gotta screw you up. I mean,

[laughs]

Sharon Mitchell:
I know that it screwed me up for many years! And I know that I had to get screwed up to actually work, for many years.

Louis Theroux:
You seem OK, you seem pretty well-adjusted.

Sharon Mitchell:
Well, yeah, um, yeah, but it took me a long time to kick the heroin.

[she laughs]

[On a porn film set, J.J. is about to do a sex scene]

Louis Theroux:
[whispering] How you feeling? Pretty good?

J.J. Michaels:
[whispering] Yeah.

Louis Theroux:
You got wood yet?

J.J. Michaels:
No.

Louis Theroux:
When do you do that?

J.J. Michaels:
When I'm having sex.

Louis Theroux:
[holding a script] Before we head down there, can we run a few lines?

Troy Halston:
Sure can.

[looks at the script]

Troy Halston:
So I walk in, and then I say...

[flatly]

Troy Halston:
"I love you."

Louis Theroux:
Come on, put some feeling into it.

Troy Halston:
I'm not being paid for this.

[they laugh]

Louis Theroux:
You're getting... I'm helping you, I'm not being paid...

Troy Halston:
Right, it's acting.

[he reads the line again]

Troy Halston:
[still wooden] I love you.

Louis Theroux:
Oh, come on! Say it with some feeling.

Troy Halston:
I don't even know you.

[they laugh again]

Louis Theroux:
It's acting.

Troy Halston:
[still the same robotic delivery] I love you.

Louis Theroux:
You're giving the same read every time. Go "I love you."

Troy Halston:
But you're going...

[hammily, with his arms open]

Troy Halston:
"I love you."

Louis Theroux:
Alright, that scares me. But that was better, yeah. So, try again.

Troy Halston:
[in the same way as before] I love you.

[Louis meets ex-Special Forces Colonel turned conspiracy theorist Bo Gritz]

Louis Theroux:
[narrating] OK, so I admit I was a bit intimidated at first. After all, he was the model for Rambo, had personally killed 400 people,

[the camera zooms in on a glass cabinet displaying lots of medals]

Louis Theroux:
and by the looks of it, stolen their medals.

Louis Theroux:
Is Almost Heaven a militia community?

Bo Gritz:
No, the answer is absolutely not. We don't have any cache of guns, there's no bunker. These three families may have a plan for attack with...

Louis Theroux:
You're talking about families here at Almost Heaven?

Bo Gritz:
I'm talking about three noodles right here. Three families, out of probably sixty or seventy up here, that think there's going to someday be a war against the government, and they were looking foward to attacking. I asked them "Who the hell are you gonna kill?" We have one federal employee that I know of, that's the postmaster.

[Louis has been invited inside the home of one of the members of the Almost Heaven community]

Louis Theroux:
Is there anything in the way of a guided tour or...?

Mike Cain:
Well, it's kind of a typical house, I don't know if there's much of a guided tour, but come on.

Louis Theroux:
Well, see, there's a gun rack over there, that's not that typical.

Mike Cain:
Maybe not where you're from.

Louis Theroux:
No, not in Britain, that wouldn't be typical.

Mike Cain:
They don't let you have those back there, do they?

Louis Theroux:
No, they don't.

Mike Cain:
How do you live that?

Louis Theroux:
Well...

Mike Cain:
You know, for an American to live without a gun is like... you guys trying to live without tea.

Louis Theroux:
What do you think people in Britain are going to think when they see you on this tape?

Mike Cain:
[smiles] That I'm a radical nut. But that's OK. I think my kids think I'm a radical nut.

[In a tucked away cabin in the snowy hills, a hungover Louis wakes up to aging hippie Mike Oehler playing his guitar and singing]

Mike Oehler:
Got some huckleberry hotcakes and some barbequed bear waiting for ya down below here.

[Louis is riding in a big old Cadillac through snowy Idaho with Richard Butler and Jerry Gruidl of the Neo-Nazi group Aryan Nations]

Jerry Gruidl:
The scenery, especially in the winter, reminds me a lot of Cheltenham.

Louis Theroux:
[puzzled] Cheltenham, England?

[Reverend Jerry Gruidl is showing Louis the Aryan Nations church]

Jerry Gruidl:
There's no armed guards or anything. Anybody that's white is welcome all the time.

Louis Theroux:
What about people who aren't white?

Jerry Gruidl:
Well, uh, they would be very uncomfortable up here, I think.

Louis Theroux:
But would they be welcome?

Jerry Gruidl:
No.

Louis Theroux:
[smiling] No?

Jerry Gruidl:
No, what would be the point?

Louis Theroux:
Umm... just so they could have a look round?

Jerry Gruidl:
You know, from way early history times, even pre-Roman times, when Aryans got together and Aryans waved at each other, they'd give a salute.

[he does the Nazi salute]

Jerry Gruidl:
The n*ggers and all this, they're gonna give some palm up...

[he holds his hands out together, palms up]

Jerry Gruidl:
But Aryans, we have a palm-down salute.

[he laughs]

Louis Theroux:
Yeah. What's the significance of that?

Jerry Gruidl:
[demonstrating the Nazi salute again] Well, we're showing that our hand is empty, we have no weapon in our hand. Not begging for something.

[he holds his hand out]

Jerry Gruidl:
Oy vey. Oh, oy vey, I'm a poor Jew. Ooooh, I couldn't sell it to you any cheaper if you were my own mother!

[he cackles]

Louis Theroux:
You're a regular Benny Hill, aren't you?

Jerry Gruidl:
I like that program 'Are You Being Served?'.

Louis Theroux:
Really?

Jerry Gruidl:
Yeah.

Louis Theroux:
What bits do you like in it?

Jerry Gruidl:
Oh, I like that, uh... that, uh... the two ladies that work in, uh, ladies lingerie counter. The young voluptuous one. And the other one that usually has blue hair...

Louis Theroux:
Mrs Slocombe.

Jerry Gruidl:
Oh, I think she's hilarious, yes, I like Mrs Slocombe.

Louis Theroux:
What about Mr Humphries?

Jerry Gruidl:
Uh... Well, I try to ignore that part.

Louis Theroux:
Why?

Jerry Gruidl:
Uh... [he hesitates and scratches his chest] Uh... He's, uh, the one that's the fairy?

Louis Theroux:
Uh, the camp one. [imitating Mr Humphries] I'm free! I'm freee! [Gruidl giggles]

Jerry Gruidl:
No, I just ignore that.

Louis Theroux:
Why?

Jerry Gruidl:
Because he's a queer.

Louis Theroux:
But he's the funniest thing in it.

Jerry Gruidl:
Well, maybe to you. I think he's disgusting.

Louis Theroux:
But you said you liked the show and he's...

Jerry Gruidl:
Oh yeah, the show. They just, chuck that... They throw that in because they have to have the 'diversity'. They have to show that 'Oh, we love everybody.' See, up here, we're free to say 'Hey, I discrimate.'

Louis Theroux:
[doing his Mr Humphries imitation again] I'm free!

Jerry Gruidl:
[giggles] Yeah, I'm free to discriminate.

Louis Theroux:
I'm freee! [he laughs, Gruidl starts to look uncomfortable] Say 'I'm free'. Do you want to? Do you want to say 'I'm free'? I'm freee!

Jerry Gruidl:
I'm not free.

Louis Theroux:
Why not?

Jerry Gruidl:
Because our country is in bondage to the Jews.

Louis Theroux:
[watching an old lady shooting a submachine gun at a firing range, astonished] Shirley's getting amazing accuracy.

Scott Levy:
So, you're doing a wrestling subculture movie?

Louis Theroux:
Yeah, we are, yeah.

Scott Levy:
Do you know who I am?

Louis Theroux:
Um...

Scott Levy:
You're filming a documentary on wrestling and you have no idea who I am?

Louis Theroux:
We've only just started, to be honest.

Scott Levy:
But didn't you do a little research before you started this endeavour?

Louis Theroux:
No.

[the wrestlers are practicing making videos where they deliver improvised angry threats to their opponents. Now Louis has a go]

Louis Theroux:
[still in his normal speaking voice] Waldo's the name. London, England's the place of origin. A new face on the block. I'm gonna wrestle Pistol Pez Whatley, the one and only, the legendary. Am I excited? Am I honoured? You'd better believe it. Is he going down? I hope so. He's good, but he's been in the business a long time and it's time for a new face to take over. Is it me? I hope so. I'm gonna throw every move I know, and I've been practicing, I've been trying really hard, and I'm gonna get in the ring, his time is over, maybe now it's time for a new face on the block, me - Waldo, the one and only, at the Georgia Dome this Saturday, tune in! Pistol Pez Whatley, the legend, with the utmost respect, I'm afraid to tell you, that I think you are going down.

[the cameraman stops the tape. Louis' first attempt draws amusement but approval from Pez and a couple of the other wrestlers watching]

Pistol Pez Whatley:
See, he's good with words already!

[At the WCW Power Plant training centre for wrestlers, as a token of respect, Louis has decided to join in with the wrestlers' workout led by 'Sarge', who adopts the style of a tough military drill instructor. The workout is very punishing and Louis is soon worn out and wants to stop but the other wrestlers won't let him, they crowd around him, shouting]

Louis Theroux:
[voiceover] I'd been trying my best, I just couldn't keep up. But dropping out wasn't an option. It seemed Sarge was still fuming over my questions at the Monday Nitro event.

[Sarge makes Louis lie on the floor and swing his arms and legs out, like in a star jump]

Sarge:
[shouting] MOVE YOUR ARMS! MOVE YOUR LEGS! SAY "SIR, I'M A DYIN' COCKROACH, SIR!"

Louis Theroux:
Sir, I'm a dying cockroach, sir!

[Sarge makes him get up]

Sarge:
These guys go through it every damn day, and you got the nerve to ask me that bullshit down at Nitro? What the hell? You don't think we're not athletes - hell yeah, we're the best athletes in the world! We do this 365 days a f***ing year!

[cut to him holding the scruff of Louis's T-shirt]

Sarge:
Finish 'em out!

Louis Theroux:
[shaking his head] I'm a dying cockroach.

Sarge:
I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE A DYING COCKROACH!

[points to his boot]

Sarge:
YOU SEE THAT FOOT? IT'S GONNA SQUASH YOU!

Sarge:
You see how ridiculous the questions you asked me down there are?

Louis Theroux:
[exhausted] Yes, yes, I do, yes.

Sarge:
Did you see why I am The Sarge, huh?

Louis Theroux:
Yes.

Sarge:
[shouting into Louis' ear] SPEAK UP! SAY "SIR, YES SIR!"

Louis Theroux:
Sir, yes sir!

Sarge:
Do you have any questions about our business, now, that you wanna know? Look at these guys, they started at 10 o'clock. Now you see why this is the toughest sport in the f***ing world, bar none! They gotta put up with my short, irritable ass every f***ing day!

[Sarge has made Louis exercise so hard, he's vomited. Finally he lets him stop]

Louis Theroux:
[voiceover] I wasn't sure what I'd experienced, I was just glad it was over.

Sarge:
[as Louis vomits from overexertion] Puke! That ain't nothin'! You ain't done nothin'! BLOW CHUNKS!

Wrestling Fan:
[reading out the placard he's holding] I'm gonna kick the crap outta Scott Steiner!