Machete Kills

La Camale?n:
?Hola, motherf***er!

Machete:
Machete don't tweet.

Machete:
Machete don't smoke!

Machete:
Machete don't fail!

Machete:
Machete don't joke!

Machete:
I'm not interested.

Mr. President:
Motherf***er, I'm not asking if you're interested. I'm the President of the United f***ing States, man.

Machete:
[Looking to a wall of weapons] What happen to the world peace?

Miss San Antonio:
F*** world peace.

Machete:
[Answering the phone] This is Machete!

Mr. President:
You know Mexico. Hell, you are Mexico.

Miss San Antonio:
Try not to be distracted by the cleavage and the hairspray. That's part of my cover.

Machete:
You're crazy.

Mendez:
With a capital C, muchacho.

Voz:
I just gotta say that you are one genuine article, Genghis Khan, high-caliber, f***er-people-upper.

Voz:
I never saw this.

Machete:
Machete happens.

Luz:
I thought Machete don't text.

Machete:
Machete loves everybody.

Luz:
Takes a b*tch to make a b*tch. And I smell fish taco.

Desdemona:
Ladies, give them hell. Save lover boy for mama. I have a special package for him. Killjoy! Give me my strap-on!

Luz:
I knew I smelt b*tch in the air tonight!

Miss San Antonio:
Payback's the only b*tch you need to worry about! This dress costs more than your F***ING LIFE!

Luz:
Didn't anybody ever tell you not to wear a dress to a gunfight?

Miss San Antonio:
Oh, baby, I always dress to the nines.

Luz:
I dress to kill.

Miss San Antonio:
Watch it now Pussycat. That's not a very ladylike kinda thing to say.

Luz:
I don't do ladylike.

Miss San Antonio:
So what then, you're just a regular old cranky b*tch? Or is it PMS?

Luz:
If it were PMS, you'd be dead already.

[first lines]

Lieutenant Brass:
Where the f*** are they?

Lieutenant Brass:
Immigration? What the f*** is this?

Sartana:
What the f*** does it look like? Get your ass on the ground.

Lieutenant Brass:
Sweetheart, I'd lose whatever strapdick you rode in on...

[shoots Lt. Brass in his leg]

Sartana:
Don't call me sweetheart.

Sheriff Doakes:
Well, I'll be goddamned.

Clebourne:
They say he doesn't die, sir. Been shot, stabbed. Doesn't ever die.

Sheriff Doakes:
Bull-f***ing-sh*t. This Pedro has just got a thick neck is all.

Miss San Antonio:
The M4 carbine long-range. It's got reflex sights, micro-polymer grip, a customized trigger. Fast enough to nip a jackrabbit on roller skates. That is, of course, you happen to come across a jackrabbit on roller skates.

Machete:
Good luck on that pageant.

Miss San Antonio:
I'm gonna need a lot more than luck! Did you see the ass of Miss Corpus Christi?

Mendez:
I got news for you, cabr?n. Killing me ain't in the cards. 'Cause I'm the ticking, ticking, wrath of Mexico, motherf***er.

Mr. President:
Machete, what's this I hear about you having Mendez in custody?

Machete:
Things got complicated.

Mr. President:
No sh*t! You were supposed to take him out, not give him a joyride on the Good Ship Lollypop! Damn it, I didn't recruit you for your sense of compassion. Machete kills. That's what he does! He doesn't save the bad guys! Now shoot that motherf***er!

Machete:
If he dies, you die. The missile is wired to his heart.

Mr. President:
Come again?

Miss San Antonio:
Machete, can it be disarmed?

Machete:
Only where it was made. VozTech.

Mr. President:
VozTech is the biggest weapons supplier to our military! You want to bring him all the way back to the f***ing manufacturer?

Machete:
I need your help getting him across the border. This is a part of something big. I can feel it.

Mr. President:
Last time I sent a black op team into Mexico, they got dead and I got the Oval ass-f***.

El Camele?n 1:
You wouldn't happen to have a Popsicle I could stick up my ass, would you?

Mendez:
Machete, this man is a dirty cop.

Police Captain:
Shut your f***ing mouth! Shut up, loco!

Mendez:
You shouldn't have said that, amigo. Because if you call me loco, then I'm afraid loco is what you get!

El Camale?n 2:
Your sense of direction doesn't inspire confidence, se?or. Allow me to translate.

[shoots him]

Desdemona:
Pucker up, lover boy. Suck on this!

[fires her boob guns]

Grasa:
Easy, hombre. You wouldn't shoot a man in a wheelchair, would you?

Machete:
No.

[Machete shoots at an air tank, sending Grasa and the wheelchair rolling into enemy gunfire]

Mendez:
Special Agent Mendez.

Machete:
How many of you are there?

Mendez:
Sorry, that's classified.

Voz:
Mendez wasn't my only boogeyman. North Korea, Russia, I have a Mendez everywhere. And in a matter of hours, they'll launch on one another, throwing the world into gargantuan, unrecoverable anarchy. Too many syllables? The world is f***ed.

Machete:
Why?

Voz:
This world must end in order for a more perfect one to emerge. And like it or not, Mr. Machete, you're coming with me.

Freedom Force Leader:
Drop it! Reach for the sky before I put that illegal face in a tussle.

El Camale?n 4:
You have it all wrong. This is all a big mistake.

Freedom Force Leader:
Only mistake you made was dancin' across that border, muchacho.

El Camale?n 4:
No, no, you don't understand. I am not Mexican.

Freedom Force Leader:
Don't move your hands, amigo!

El Camale?n 4:
Sir. really, listen to my voice. Do I sound Mexican? I am from Ontario, for f***'s sake!

Freedom Force Leader:
Canadian and Mexican. Double-whammy. Smoke this fool!

[the Freedom Force members gun down El Camale?n 4]

Miss San Antonio:
Really? You're gonna make me kill a blind chick? I'm pretty sure they're gonna take my crown for that.

Luz:
That's all right. They'll just give it to the next bimbo who spreads like butter.

Elon Musk:
Good luck, Mr. Machete. Get the bastard.

Title Card:
[mock movie trailer] In a land beyond space and time...

Trailer Voice Guy:
A new world enslaved. This is a land in need of a hero. [Trejo removes his space helmet] They call him... MACHETE. [echoing] Machete Machete.

Trailer Voice Guy:
He knows the score.

Space Babe:
We need a leader. We need a revolution. We need you, Machete.

Trailer Voice Guy:
He gets the space babes. [deep kiss]

Luz:
The people needs us, Machete. This is a new network. It's all... galactic and sh*t.

Machete:
He thinks he's God in heaven. So heaven must fall.

Trailer Voice Guy:
And he kills the bad guys. Starring Danny Trejo, Michelle Rodriguez...

Luz:
Eat photons, b*tches!

Trailer Voice Guy:
...Alexa Vega. With Justin Beaver, as Bleep. And Lady Gaga, as [provoctive music] whoever she wants to be. With special guest star Leonardo DiCaprio, as the Man in the Silver Mask. [in a lower voice] Actor subject to change. [louder] Machete Kills Again... in Space. [lower voice again] Rated X for cigarette use, prolonged sexual content, pervasive language, and space violence.

Police Captain:
Why help the U.S.?

Machete:
'Cause I'm the only that can.

Police Captain:
You're always the sensitive one, Machete.

Mendez:
Vengeance never dies, it only changes targets.

Voz:
My molecule blaster doesn't quite work yet - keeps turning sh*t inside out.

Luz:
One minute they're tearin' ass for the border, the next they're vanished. Disappeared without a trace. It's like aliens abducted by goddamn aliens.

Miss San Antonio:
[to Machete] Look at you, smarter than the average Mexican.

Miss San Antonio:
For crying out loud, will one of you well-paid, well-trained gentlemen please shoot that motherf***er!

Voz:
When you gotta go, go inside out.

Miss San Antonio:
So now what happens?

Luz:
Ask the last guy who shot my eye out.

Luz:
I can't see, but I can still kick your ass.

Voz:
That's why I'm taking you with me.

[last lines]

Mr. President:
I'm President Rathcock, and I approve this message.

Voz:
Get that Bastard! Try not to get too many of yourselves killed in the process! [laughs]

Messenger:
Lady... please. Help me.

La Camale?n:
You and all your drug dealing compadras just derailed my pursuit, so frankly... I'm leaning in another direction entirely.

Messenger:
Give me mercy.

La Camale?n:
There's about three things I can give you. And they are all in the chamber of this gun. Straight up, or with some flair?

Messenger:
What?

La Camale?n:
Straight up, or with flair?

Messenger:
Whatever is the more interesting way to die.

[she shoots him by turning the gun upside down]

La Camale?n:
Weirdo.