Mad About You

[a list of songs Ira plans to play at Jamie's wedding]

Jamie Buchman:
No, no, no, not "The Hokey Pokey."

Ira Buchman:
James, ya gotta have The Hokey Pokey. That's what it's all about.

Bruce Willis:
Can I give you a hug?

Paul:
Hey...

[they hug]

Bruce Willis:
Good, good. Can I give you a little kiss?

Paul:
[hesitates] Sure.

[receives a kiss on the cheek]

Bruce Willis:
Wanna make out a little bit?

Paul:
I don't... No.

Bruce Willis:
OK.

Ira:
[sniffing] Did you have a steak?

Paul:
What are you, part wolf? As a matter of fact I did, this morning.

Ira:
For breakfast? Paulie, I'm impressed.

Paul:
I'm working my way backwards through the day: for dinner, I'm having cornflakes.

Paul Buchman:
Why would a mango *need* body wash?

Jamie Buchman:
We're having lasagna. There is a recipe in the back of a Rice Krispies box.

Paul Buchman:
[on the phone] I'm kissing your knees.

Jamie Buchman:
Niece? I don't have a niece.

Jamie:
Do you want to tell me why I just lied to our closest friends?

Paul:
They wanted to take us to dinner.

Jamie:
The Bastards.

[Paul is licking wedding invitation envelopes]

Jamie Buchman:
How are you holding up?

Paul Buchman:
Well, if I had two more tongues, I'd be the happiest person on Earth.

Jamie Buchman:
(lights a cigarette) Second happiest.

Paul:
[on the phone with the vet] [to Jamie] Murray's last bowel movement?

Jamie:
Monday.

Lisa Stemple:
Can you believe this? [points to herself] Saturday.

[Jamie and Paul are lying in bed, Jamie's playing with Paul's chesthair]

Jamie:
I love chest hair.

Paul:
Hey, what you got there is plenty good.

Jamie Buchman:
Would you *please* tell Lisa what guys think, when women give in on the first date?

Paul Buchman:
[pauses] Yippie?

Paul:
Just like that: bing, bang, boom?

Jamie:
At this point, I'd settle for the boom.

Paul:
You don't want the bing and the bang?

Jamie:
I did when we started.

Paul:
And now?

Jamie:
I'm over it.

Paul:
You're a very complex woman.

Jamie:
You don't want the boom?

Paul:
'Course I want the boom. Guys ALWAYS want the boom. We only made up the whole bing and the bang just to get to boom.

Paul Buchman:
Why is it I love you any more in the middle of February than on, say, August 21st? You know, to me, every day with you is Valentine's Day.

Jamie Buchman:
So, in other words, you forgot to buy me a card.

Paul Buchman:
That's what I'm saying.

Paul Buchman:
What's the big deal with Valentine's Day? It's a made-up holiday. Nobody even knows who this St. Valentine guy was.

Jamie Buchman:
He was a Roman priest who defended the Christians and was beheaded by Claudius II on February 14, 269 A.D.

[Debbie is going to reveal to her parents that she's gay]

Jamie Buchman:
So, where you gonna eat?

Debbie Buchman:
I don't know. What is the right food for this conversation?

Jamie Buchman:
[after a beat] I want to say Chinese...

Debbie Buchman:
Yeah, why is that?

Paul:
All I know is I wanna wake up naked with you for the rest of my life.

Jamie Buchman:
You are a strange, amazing man.

Ursula Buffay:
[while explaining her campaign for Employee of the Month] Ursula, Ursula, she's our man! If she's not Employee of the Month, no-one can! I have to go to the bathroom.

Jamie Buchman:
Oh my god, don't ever die. 'Give me my Romeo, and when he shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars, and make the face of heaven so fine that all the world would be in love with night.' Did I ever tell you I played Juliet in the fifth grade? I did. Opposite Steven Palumbo's Romeo. Oy. What an actor he was. He started crying during my monologue when he was supposed to be dead, because he said I was leaning on his arm. Oh my god, don't ever die. I have so much more to tell you, and I'm not interested in telling it to anyone else. And I'm not saying I'd be helpless. I mean, I'm bright and fairly good with money. I mean, I guess I'm cute, right? You would say, 'What, are you kidding me? You, my little friend, are a perfect example of beautiful.' And so I am. ' Cause I am nothing more or less than what I see in your eyes when you look at me. Do you know how long I waited for you? My mother used to say I was too picky, or afraid of commitment, and that's why I was still unmarried by the age of almost 30. But the truth is, I was just looking for you. Do you know how close I came to being a narrow, cold, mistrustful woman? But you have given me a life so big and full and good... and fun! I don't even know what we do, really, besides clean up and complain and wish we were sleeping, but with you, somehow... fun. And I'll tell you a secret. When we got married, I couldn't imagine still wanting to be with anyone all this time later. But I do. It's a miracle to me. You are a miracle. You've made me happy. Which is something I never, ever thought I'd be.

Jamie:
[to Paul after an operation] Oh my God, don't ever die. 'Give me my Romeo and when he shall die take him and cut him out in little stars and make the face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night.' Did I ever tell you I played Juliet in the fifth grade? I did. Opposite Stephen Polumbo's Romeo. Oi, what an actor he was. He started crying during my monologue - when he was supposed to be dead - because he'd said I was 'leaning on his arm.' Oh my God, don't ever die. I have so much more to tell you and I'm not interested in telling it to anyone else. And I'm not saying I'd be helpless I mean I'm bright and fairly good with money. And I guess I'm cute, right? You would say 'What are you, kidding me? You, my little friend, are a perfect example of beautiful.' And so I am. Because I am nothing more or less than what I see in your eyes when you look at me. Do you know how long I waited for you? My mother used to say I was too picky or afraid of commitment and that's why I was still unmarried by the age of almost-thirty, but the truth is, I was... just looking for you. Do you know how close I came be being a narrow, cold, mistrustful woman? But you have given me a life so big... and full... and good... and fun. I don't even know what we do really besides clean up and complain and wish we were sleeping but with you somehow: fun! And I'll tell you a secret: When we got married I couldn't image still wanting to be with anyone all this time later. But I do. It's a miracle to me. You are a miracle. You've made me happy, which is something I never ever though I'd be.

Paul Buchman:
You know what? I will, I will go with the Ziegfried. Alright, thank you, that's it.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
And Fran wants a shrimp cocktail.

Paul Buchman:
Oh yes, and one shrimp cocktail. Two. I'm sorry, make that two shrimp cocktails. And that's it.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
And crab legs.

Paul Buchman:
What are you, a sea lion?

Ira Buchman:
Hey, at least I took this place for seven bills.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Good for you.

Ira Buchman:
But you know, you beat them at the tables, they spring your ex-wife on you. Can't beat the house.

Paul Buchman:
See, this is what I never would've seen coming.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Just hold on.

Paul Buchman:
Seriously, who would've thought, the tragedy of natural selection.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
This is not a tragedy.

Susannah:
Excuse me.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
I mean for him.

Ira Buchman:
Look, I, I thought they could've been friends.

Susannah:
It's a cat and a bird. Figure it out.

Ira Buchman:
So now I know.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Ira, come on, tell her you're sorry.

Ira Buchman:
James, it's the circle of life.

Uncle Harold:
Who is this person?

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
What's the soup today?

Ursula Buffay:
Wait, I know this one.

Sylvia Buchman:
You got some kind of problem with Joan?

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Sylvia Buchman:
You know, you'd expect a little more open-mindedness from the liberals.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Silvia, let me just say one thing.

Sylvia Buchman:
What, now she's a member of a militia group?

Debbie Buchman:
Only if New York magazine says it's the best militia group with the nicest bombs and most fashionable uniforms.

Jamie Buchman:
You're dating your mailman?

Lisa Stemple:
Why not? He comes to see me every day. He brings me stuff...

Jamie Buchman:
Mail! He brings you mail!

Lisa Stemple:
Don't judge him!

Paul Buchman:
What does that say?

Jamie Buchman:
What?

Paul Buchman:
That sign back there.

Jamie Buchman:
What sign?

Paul Buchman:
Right back there.

Jamie Buchman:
I don't know, it's back there.

Jamie Buchman:
Maybe we should have a baby right now.

Paul Buchman:
Those are our options? I pull into a Chevron or we have a baby?

Jamie Buchman:
Look at it logically. I get pregnant now: September, October, November, December, January, February, March, April, May... Boom! The kids out before it gets hot again. Pull over!

Paul Buchman:
What?

Jamie Buchman:
You have to admit it makes sense! You don't want me pregnant for all that humidity.

Paul Buchman:
It doesn't make any sense!

Jamie Buchman:
Why not?

Paul Buchman:
It makes no sense! First of all... First of all, you're still on the pill. Second of all, and maybe this is just me, I don't think you bring a child into the world just to beat the heat.

Dr. Mark Devanow:
Why don't you get a pig? Much smarter than a dog.

Paul:
Boy, we haven't, haven't seen you around here in ages.

Ursula Buffay:
Yeah, I got thrown out of my apartment.

Jamie Buchman:
Oh. Where have you been staying?

Ursula Buffay:
With friends.

Fran Devanow:
Come on, you're doing much better than Sophie.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
You really think?

Paul Buchman:
What, you want a puppy?

Ira Buchman:
Yeah, sure, they'd probably make a great mix.

Paul Buchman:
Sophie and Murray - how do you figure?

Ira Buchman:
Come on, Sophie's a show dog: classy, sophisticated, smart? Murray's a big good-natured slob. 'd be like if you two have kids.

Paul Buchman, Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Thank you.

Paul Buchman:
Hey, you would know. Lance Brockwell. Who is that?

Ira Buchman:
Lance Brockwell.

Paul Buchman:
Yeah.

Ira Buchman:
Oh no. He played for San Diego in the sixties. Remember the whole thing with the, with the young girl?

Paul Buchman:
[speaking to Murray] Because you have no thumbs. You see, that's, that's like a big structural flaw. You'll find that most, most documentaries are made by, uh, higher primates, while, uh, you people, you just sniff each other socially.

Paul Buchman:
I didn't know. I didn't know. People apparently, before a wedding, they give each other a thing. I didn't... who invented this?

Ira Buchman:
The Incans.

Paul Buchman:
Seriously.

Lenny:
Yeah, sometimes they give earrings, sometimes a necklace, or cloth.

Paul Buchman:
I had no idea. I just...

Paul Buchman:
But excuse me, it's my bed.

Sister Dorothea:
Not anymore.

Paul Buchman:
No, but you have a whole lot of beds coming from British people.

Sister Dorothea:
When?

Paul Buchman:
When? Whenever.

Sister Dorothea:
Well, I can't live on faith.

Paul Buchman:
Warm, warmer, hot, cold.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
How can I be hot and cold at the same time?

Paul Buchman:
Malaria.

Jamie Buchman:
[When Paul first asks her out] You do realize if this doesn't work out, I'll have to blow my brains out.

Paul:
Well, just as long as there's no pressure.

Paul:
This is me having a great time.

Jamie Buchman:
Really? And you never been with a man?

Paul:
Why? What did you hear?

Jamie Buchman:
I'm just making sure.

Jamie Buchman:
How do I know you are not some axeman?

Paul:
[shows Jamie his hands] Do these look like hands that have ever held an axe?

Jamie Buchman:
How do you know I'm not a married woman?

Paul:
No ring.

Jamie Buchman:
How do you know I'm not a married woman who'd just been mugged?

Paul:
Oh boy, you're making this very hard.

Jamie Buchman:
What would you do if you were at work and some woman walked in with your dry cleaning?

Paul:
I'd say 'ma go away'!

Jamie Buchman:
I miss him.

Fran Devanow:
You were gonna dump him anyway!

Jamie Buchman:
But not until after the holidays!

Lisa Stemple:
I guess I got hungry.

Paul Buchman:
So basically you brought me a bag?

Lisa Stemple:
Whatever happened to "it's the thought".

Paul Buchman:
Here's a thought...

Paul Buchman:
What, how, how was that different?

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Because it was. When we met, it was fate.

Paul Buchman:
Don't, don't start with the fate thing.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Well, that's what it was.

Paul Buchman:
How-Who-Who told you that?

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Nobody told me that.

Paul Buchman:
See, because they're not helping you.

Paul Buchman:
She already said she was busy.

Ira Buchman:
When?

Paul Buchman:
In front of the pterodactyls and then again she said she was busy in front of the paleozoic mollusks.

Ira Buchman:
So what?

Paul Buchman:
So must you be humiliated era by era?

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
What is that?

Paul Buchman:
That, ooh, that's 200 million years of plaque.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Well, put it back.

Paul Buchman:
You know how long this guy survived before us?

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
I can't believe it. They really don't like me.

Paul Buchman:
I... I just want to win, Lord. I just want to win.

God:
What if you can't?

Paul Buchman:
How's that?

God:
What if you can't win? Do you still want to live?

Paul Buchman:
Yes... but not as much.

Jamie Buchman:
Why don't you use Ira's passport?

Paul:
Oh, there's a bad idea.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
I thought I'd never get over it. And then after those three weeks in the convent, I ran into him...

Paul Buchman:
I'm sorry, I'm sorry - convent?

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
It wasn't an actual convent. It was like a preparatory thing for novices.

Paul Buchman:
You were going to be a nun?

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Yeah, I was very confused.

Paul Buchman:
I'll say. You're not even Catholic. Gee, see this is why I don't like to leave the apartment.

Marvin:
This could have been my night, Ira. I could have taken Macho Man apart. Instead what happens? He wins and I get a one way ticket to Palookaville.

Ira Buchman:
Come on Marvin, it worked out great.

Marvin:
You're my manager Ira. You shouldn't have done that to me. You should have looked out for me a little bit instead of telling the guy exactly where to bite me.

Ira Buchman:
You saw a lot of money tonight, kid. You're gonna see a lot more very soon.

Marvin:
I understand. I could have had class. I could have been a contender instead of the first wrestler ever defended by his mother. Which is what I am, let's face it.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
I'm flirting?

Paul Buchman:
Yes.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Is it that obvious?

Paul Buchman:
Yes.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
I'll give you $20 to go to a movie.

Lisa Stemple:
Stop being my big sister, I'm older than you.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
You do these things without thinking.

Lisa Stemple:
That's right. That's how I live. I just close my eyes and I leap.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Yeah, while I'm running all over town with a net.

Lisa Stemple:
Who's Annette?

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
A Net. A Net. Nevermind.

Paul Buchman:
You know what? It's not that bad. It's like waiting for a bus on a cold night. Try it.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
I told you, I'm being cremated. I can't believe you don't want to die with me.

Paul Buchman:
Hey, don't take it personally. It's not that I don't want to die with you. I just, I don't, I don't want to die, period.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
So we're breaking up.

Paul Buchman:
I guess so. You know, you're off to the furance, I'm off to the freezer.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
We said, "'til death do us part."

Paul Buchman:
Well, you'll be dead.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
But you won't.

Paul Buchman:
Well, then come with me. Come on, we'll get, there's a family plan. We'll get a discount if we just freeze our heads. Come on.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Look, I believe when you go, you go. All good things must pass.

Paul Buchman:
Like my apartment?

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Like your apartment.

Paul Buchman:
[asked why he is in the toilet] I'm voting.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
[exasperated with Alan's intrusion] Somebody kill him and blame me!

Paul Buchman:
You know who I am? I'm a U.N. peacekeeper, babe. I am Boutros Boutros-Ghali... Buchman.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
So you cleared it up with Ira?

Paul Buchman:
Yes, I did. We sat down, I was very honest, I was very forthright. I'm a very impressive young man.

Jamie Buchman:
There are lots of things I want, but only one I really need. And if you ever decide to leave me, I will find you, and I will bring you home, 'cause you'd be wrong.

[last lines]

Jamie Buchman:
Thank you for a wonderful engagement.

Paul Buchman:
It has been my pleasure.

Jamie Buchman:
Why would you want to be called Sonya? Your grandmother thought of "Mabel." You know, it's an acronym.

Mabel Buchman, as a Teenager:
A what?

Jamie Buchman:
The letters M-A-B-E-L stand for "Mothers Always Bring Extra Love".

Mabel Buchman, as a Teenager:
Well, "Sonya"'s and acronym, too.

Jamie Buchman:
It is? For what?

Mabel Buchman, as a Teenager:
Some Other Name, You As....

Paul Buchman:
Okay, ma, what's going on? What's the trick?

Sylvia Buchman:
What? No trick. Thank God, the dish.

Sylvia Buchman:
She suggested I should gather the family and have them decide now who will get what of mine after I go over.

Paul Buchman:
Go over.

Sylvia Buchman:
Pass on.

Burt Buchman:
Die. You're not gonna pass on. You're gonna die.

Burt Buchman:
Let me tell you something. No matter when I die, it's gonna piss me off.

Paul Buchman:
Hey, listen, me too.

Uncle Phil:
Give your uncle Phil a firm embrace!

Paul Buchman:
How stupid are we?

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
[holding her arms out as wide as she can] Thiiiiiiiiiiiiis stupid.

Paul Buchman:
You had a jealous fight and he threw you through the door! Are you all right?

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Now why do you assume he would throw me through the... why wouldn't I throw him through the door?

Paul Buchman:
Physics.

Paul Buchman:
Who's reading Surfer Digest?

Dr. Mark Devanow:
I am.

Paul Buchman:
Log Cabin Living. Soldier of Fortune?

Dr. Mark Devanow:
See these guys? See this guy here, right here, with the ammo belt? That's me.

Paul Buchman:
You have a tattoo that says "Meet your maker"?

Dr. Mark Devanow:
You see? What you're seeing there, very common syndrome, very common. You learn about this first year in med school.

Paul Buchman:
What, what's that?

Dr. Mark Devanow:
The doctor as God, as Deity. You see, the thing is, the patient comes in here with this fragile psyche, and they have to build the doctor up, to, uh, to almost God-like status, ascribing to him superhuman qualities so that in their mind, they can trust the doctor with the operation.

Paul Buchman:
It's just a minor procedure.

Dr. Mark Devanow:
You know what I'm saying.

Paul Buchman:
Yeah.

Alan Tofsky:
I'm designing album covers.

Jamie Buchman:
I started my own PR firm.

Alan Tofsky:
Peter Gabriel.

Jamie Buchman:
Coca-cola!

Alan Tofsky:
You're handling Coca-cola?

Alan Tofsky:
No... I'm just... thirsty's the thing...

Paul Buchman:
Alright, it was years ago, but it was on Halloween, right? So I was dressed up like Superman. So I'm dressed as Superman. I was standing there, minding my own business, as Superman is wont to do, and all of a sudden, the Escobar brothers, they come out of nowhere...

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
The Escobar brothers?

Paul Buchman:
Yes, the Escobar brothers: Matty, Felipe and Jesus. So they, they'd just turned 10, so they were like a reign of terror.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
I thought you were Superman.

Paul Buchman:
They don't respect the uniform.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
I'm so sorry. Who died?

Debbie:
Oh, just one of my clients. It's a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
It's a love story about two gymnasts.

Paul Buchman:
What's the matter with you?

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
What?

Paul Buchman:
Why, why would you want to see a bad movie?

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
You know what? You're homophobic.

Paul Buchman:
Why would you insist on seeing a bad movie?

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
You've never even seen it.

Paul Buchman:
I never will see this movie.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
That's because you're homophobic.

Paul Buchman:
No.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
It's the same reason you won't let a man give you a massage.

Paul Buchman:
No, that's because I, no, that's not true at all. I don't think if a stranger, if a stranger is rubbing oil on my buttocks...

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
That is not it. The word penis makes you uncomfortable.

Paul Buchman:
You think the gods are up there everyday saying, "Let's screw with the Buchmans today and see if they pass the test?"

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
What test?

Paul Buchman:
The test.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
What gods?

Paul Buchman:
The gods, the gods - Zeus and Jicama.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Jicama is the white stuff in salads you don't like.

Paul Buchman:
What do I mean?

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Hecuba.

Paul Buchman:
Hecuba. Zeus and Hecuba.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Hecuba wasn't a god. She was the Queen of Troy.

Paul Buchman:
Alright, so here's what I'm thinking: a, I've gone insane, or 2, the gods are really screwing with us.

Lisa Stemple:
I'm telling you: be the Pope.

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Why?

Lisa Stemple:
Are you kidding? Free rent, all the loose-fitting clothing you could wear, plus we could drive around in that little bubble car.

Paul Buchman:
You figured out what you wanna do?

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Yeah, I've narrowed it down.

Paul Buchman:
Yeah, to what?

Jamie Stemple Buchman:
Whatever

Paul Buchman:
Cuz I, I hear that convent thing is spectacular.