Mater's Tall Tales

[opening line]

Mater:
If I'm lyin', I'm cryin'.

Tow Mater:
[Skipper is sleeping] Excuse me! [Skipper is startled awake]

Skipper:
What?

Tow Mater:
Is the Skipper here?

Skipper:
I'm Skipper.

Tow Mater:
Can you learn me how to fly?

Skipper:
But, uh, you're a tow truck.

Tow Mater:
Well, the sign says you can teach anyone, guaranteed.

Skipper:
Oh, I gotta change that sign.

Tow Mater:
[reading sign] "Skipper's Flight School. We can teach anyone how to fly. Guaranteed!" Well, shoot! I'm anyone.

Mater:
The biggest stunt that Mater the Greater ever did was jumping Carburetor Canyon.

Lightning McQueen:
Jumping Carburetor Canyon? No way.

Mater:
Yes way. You remember. You was there, too.

[cut to stunt about to happen; Lightning is next to Mater, also painted up like him, also with rockets on his back]

Lightning McQueen:
*WHAT*?

[one of Mater's assistants puts buck teeth on Lightning's mouth]

Mater:
Ready, buddy?

Lightning McQueen:
*Ready*?

Mater:
Alright, then, git 'er done!

[the assistant lights the rockets on Lightning's back and pushes him off the edge; Lightning goes rocketing down the ramp and starts flying across; cut back to Radiator Springs]

Lightning McQueen:
Well, what happened?

Mater:
[subdued] You didn't make it...

Mater:
[walking atop a bunch of cars used for a stunt jump] 'Scuse me. Pardon me. Comin' through. Good to see ya. My bad. Hey, Ricky, how's the kids? Watch your hood.

Dispatcher:
Respond, all units! Respond, all units! Fire in progress at 1-2-zero-niner Carmichael Way!

Mater:
That's the old gasoline and match factory!

Dispatcher:
Right you are, Mater. Now go!

Lightning McQueen:
Mater, you're a doctor too?

Mater:
That's right, buddy. Got my MD, my PhD, my STP, and my GTO.

GTO:
Hey, doctor.

Mater:
[seeing Mator the UFO] Well, hey there. Welcome to Earth. My name is Mater.

Mator:
My name is Mator.

Mater:
Mator? Huh. Should I take you to my leader?

Mator:
Your leader.

Mater:
Alright then! [cut to Mater and Mator looking at a stack of liters of oil] Well, here's all my liters.

Mator:
Yum.

German Scientist Car:
[to Mater dressed as Dr. Abschleppwagen] So, Herr doctor, what does "dad gum" mean?

Mater:
[German accent] Ze "dad gum" means... [normal voice]... let's get outta here!