McMillan & Wife

Sally McMillan:
Forgive me?

Police Commissioner Stewart 'Mac' McMillan:
Forgiven.

Sally McMillan:
Oh no! Not so easy! Make me suffer.

Police Commissioner Stewart 'Mac' McMillan:
[shouting] Suffer!

Carol Hanover:
[Carol is afraid to fly and has covered her eyes. Mac returns to his seat] Mac, is that you?

Police Commissioner Stewart 'Mac' McMillan:
No.

Carol Hanover:
That's not funny.

Carol Hanover:
[Later a flight attendant hands them pillows] What is that?

Police Commissioner Stewart 'Mac' McMillan:
A purple pillow.

Carol Hanover:
That's not funny.

[McMillan reaches Sam, the Coroner, after a new autopsy has been done on Tom Ryan]

Coroner:
Well Commissioner, when you're right, you're right. We blew this one.

Commissioner Stewart McMillan:
Nobody's perfect, Sam.

Coroner:
I am, usually.

Commissioner Stewart McMillan:
Usually perfect? That's like saying slightly pregnant. What did you find?

Coroner:
Well, like you speculated, this guy was poisoned. We didn't find it.

Commissioner Stewart McMillan:
You didn't find it because you weren't looking for it.

Coroner:
The man has two bullet holes in his back, it never occured to us to look for poison. How many times do you have to kill a guy?

Commissioner Stewart McMillan:
What kind of poison?

Coroner:
Poison mushrooms. Extremely toxic, even in minute amounts it's always fatal.

Commissioner Stewart McMillan:
Slow or fast-acting?

Coroner:
Slow. He could have ingested it, went to bed, and died in his sleep. This particular poison requires very specific tests.

Commissioner Stewart McMillan:
Yeah. His dinner was poisoned.

Coroner:
Must be. How'd you find it?

Commissioner Stewart McMillan:
Scientific deduction, Sam. My wife talked to a short-order cook whose dog was poisoned the same night he was.

Coroner:
You think the killer was the cook?

Commissioner Stewart McMillan:
No, I figured he fed his dog food scraps from the hotel every night, and that the poison that killed the dog was the same poison that killed Tom Ryan.

[the office phone rings, and it is a call for McMillan, who gets very bad news about a suspect the department has been tailing]

Coroner:
[after McMillan hangs up] Anyway, Comissioner, if you find the guy who served Tom Ryan his dinner, you've found your killer.

Commissioner Stewart McMillan:
Not necessarily. The guy who served Tom Ryan his dinner is in County General. They found him shot three times in the chest.

Commissioner Stewart McMillan:
Mildred, as I told you before, no burglar is going to break into this house. We don't have anything of great value. Other than you.

Mildred:
Y'know, Commissioner, for a Scotsman you got a lot of blarney in you.

Commissioner Stewart McMillan:
What have you found out, Enright?

Sgt. Charles Enright:
Well, we're off to see Mr. Buchanan who runs the moving company, sir, but we searched both kinds of barrels in storage there but there's no barrel with a body in it.

Commissioner Stewart McMillan:
What do you mean both kinds of barrels?

Sgt. Charles Enright:
Well, there are two kinds of barrels, there are storage barrels and there are shipping barrels.

Commissioner Stewart McMillan:
And the barrels we received are shipping barrels?

Sgt. Charles Enright:
Right. Now I found it's not possible to store a shipping barrel but a shipping barrel you can store.

Sally McMillan:
I'm not sure I follow that.

Sgt. Charles Enright:
Let me simplify things. There are two kind of barrels: there are shipping barrels and there are storage barrels. A shipping barrel you can store and ship but a storing barrel you can only ship - I mean store; so you can ship a shipping and store a shipping but for storing you can only ship - I mean store...

[Mac looks at a plate of unappetizing food that Sally's mother has just uncovered]

Commissioner Stewart McMillan:
Ah, my favorite: shoelaces and eggs.

Sally McMillan:
Half right. Try again.

Commissioner Stewart McMillan:
Okay, shoelaces and... I give up!

Freddie O'Neal:
[after Mac takes control of the plane and evades the attackers] Mac, that was first class! How many lessons you have?

Sally McMillan:
Six.

Freddie O'Neal:
You did that with six lessons? That's wonderful!

Sally McMillan:
You haven't heard what number seven was.

Commissioner Stewart McMillan:
[Panicked] How to land!

[Mac is holding a note from Mildred]

Sally McMillan:
I was wondering where Mildred had gone.

Commissioner Stewart McMillan:
Well, this'll certainly tell you. It says, 'Grow tall, ant hill, tea bag... say apple tournament'.