Me, Myself & Irene

Irene P. Waters:
Could we maybe get Charlie back out here for a huddle?

Hank Evans:
Sure, and while I'm at it, why don't you go climb that telephone pole and take a big steamy piss on the power lines! Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets. I'm here to save your life. But to do that, I'm going to need complete uninanonomonitity.

Charlie Baileygates:
Now you know the house rules, no b*tches after eleven.

Charlie Baileygates:
Do you people take checks?

Limo Driver:
Say that again. Do we people take checks? You mean a black man?

Charlie Baileygates:
No, I mean your company.

Limo Driver:
Don't give me that backtracking bullshit, that was a racist slur!

Lieutenant Gerke:
The guy's nuttier than a squirrel turd!

Chris Rock:
Toss my salad, fool what's that? Well having your salad tossed means having your a**hole eaten out with jelly or syrup. I prefer syrup.

Charlie Baileygates:
He's a funny motherf***er!

Hank Evans:
Vagiclean," huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco?

Mrs. Bittman:
Excuse me?

Hank Evans:
No, excuse me. There's no tag on this.

Hank Evans:
Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough.

Hank Evans:
Well f*** my ozone.

Hank Evans:
Hey ringworm...

Hank Evans:
Yeah I'm talking to you, you toxic waste of life. You gonna pick that butt up, or do I have to glue it to the end of my shoe and stick it in your big fat pimply a-hole?

Softball Player:
Hey buddy, chill out. It's just a cigarette.

Hank Evans:
Oh yeah? Well this is just a fist. But when I start throwing it around I can leave one hell of a mess.

Lee Harvey:
Hey, Jamaal, just cut my man some slack.

Jamaal:
Look I'm just trying to help him save face, okay? If he keep asking questions like that, motherf***ers gonna think he stupid.

Shonte Jr.:
I ain't stupid.

Charlie Baileygates:
Hey, morning boys. What's all the commotion?

Jamaal:
Oh you know, just school sh*t and sh*t.

Shonte Jr.:
Okay so I add up the atomic masses of the proton and neutron, I see's that, but what do I do with the goddam electron? Can I bring it over here?

Jamaal:
Enrico Fermi would roll over in his motherf***ing grave if he heard that stupid sh*t. I mean he would just turn over ass up in your face and wouldn't give a f***!

Shonte Jr.:
Damn. I can't figure out the atomic mass of this motherf***in' deutron!

Jamaal:
Sh*t, that's simple. Tell me this-what's a deutron made of?

Shonte Jr.:
A proton and a neutron.

Jamaal:
Then what's this motherf***in' electron doing over here?

Shonte Jr.:
I don't know.

Jamaal:
Well get it outta there then!

Charlie Baileygates:
I never said anything remotely racist!

Limo Driver:
Oooh, so it's the little people thing, than?

Charlie Baileygates:
No!

Limo Driver:
You think just coz I'm small you can just push me around? Well, come on my friend. Let's boogie! I'm gonna give a little lesson in low center of gravity!

Charlie Baileygates:
Hey, cut it! Stop it now, Sir!

Limo Driver:
Don't patronize me with that 'Sir' crap!

Jamaal:
Lee Harvey, what's the diameter of a chicken egg?

Lee Harvey:
4.08 centimeters.

Jamaal:
No what's that in inches?

Lee Harvey:
1.61, what the f*** you gettin' at?

Jamaal:
I got ten bucks saying I can squeeze a chicken egg up his ass without it breaking.

Shonte Jr.:
You can't put no chicken egg up his ass, Man, look at him, he a tightass.

Jamaal:
No, it can be done.

Lee Harvey:
I'll take that bet.

Officer Stubie:
I promise you when I find your old man, I am personally gonna f*** him up!

Hank Evans:
You know, I think you're a very special unit.

Irene P. Waters:
That's sweet.

Hank Evans:
I hope we get to know each other better.

Irene P. Waters:
Yeah, me too.

Hank Evans:
Do you swallow?

Irene P. Waters:
What are those for?

Charlie Baileygates:
Oh! It's just this stupid thing. I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel... funny. No big deal.

Irene P. Waters:
What's it called?

Charlie Baileygates:
Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.

Irene P. Waters:
Stay away from me, Hank! I know what you have planned, OK? I saw your so-called "supplies."

Hank Evans:
Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman.

Irene P. Waters:
I was talking about the shovel and the lime.

Charlie Baileygates:
Will you stay with me, no matter what?

Layla:
Of course, Charlie.

Charlie Baileygates:
Well, what if I had to move to the Arctic and you could never come home and you had to eat whale blubber for the rest of your life, would you still stay with me?

Layla:
Yeah, I'd stay. But I hope that never happens.

Charlie Baileygates:
But you said you'd eat whale blubber.

Limo Driver:
She'll be eating blubber alright, just as soon as I free "Willy."

Lee Harvey:
Is your old lady happy?

Lieutenant Gerke:
Is my old lady happy?

Lee Harvey:
Yeah, because if your f***in' is anything like your police work then you couldn't hit the G-spot on a twelve pound p*ssy.

Hank Evans:
So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from?

Irene P. Waters:
Oh, all over.

Hank Evans:
Omnipresence. I like that in a woman.

Lee Harvey:
He's so stupid he thinks Calculus is a God damn emperor!

Shonte Jr.:
Yeah well you think Polypeptide's a motherf***in' toothpaste!

Hank Evans:
The name's Hank, f*** face, learn it!

Jamaal:

Shonte Jr.:
Thanks for watching our motherf***ing movie!

Charlie Baileygates:
You had enough?

Little Girl:
"I'm gonna tell my daddy on you, Charlie!

Charlie Baileygates:
Wrong answer. And the names Hank, f***face.

Irene P. Waters:
Calling that cop was unbelievably stupid!

Hank Evans:
Woa, woa, woa, wooa! Tweak the high end on your emotional EQ, sweetpeak. The funky chicken was Charlie's dance. I'm a tango man myself.

Colonel Partington:
Charlie, why didn't you take a vacation when Layla left?

Charlie Baileygates:
Why... why would I? Wives leaves their husbands everyday in this country... It's no reason to short change the department... it's not like I had the flue!...

Shonte Jr.:
Motherf***er! That Vince Foster was murdered!

Lee Harvey:
Would you quit hacking into them Pentagon files. Never mind who them crooked politicians be killing. You need to go your goddamn studyin'!

Shonte Jr.:
Man how the hell can they call Pluto a planet? No motherf***ing planet has an elliptical orbit. This sh*t don't make no sense.

Hank Evans:
Well looky here, it's a human Q-tip.

Guy on Street:
Hey big guy, you hear the news, my son Billy got the lead in his school musical.

Hank Evans:
Well I guess he likes the cock after all.

Hank Evans:
What are you staring at, f***face?

Hank Evans:
I got no beef with you. This is between me and the boy.

Whitey:
It's gonna be raining wine and roses tonight.

Jamaal:
It's gonna be raining my motherf***ing cookies if motherf***ern don't cut out this turbulence sh*t!

Charlie Baileygates:
So, Whitey, what happened to your family?

Whitey:
I killed them. I hacked them up with a hammer while they were asleep. Ma, Pa, Bro, Sis. She was awake, my sis. I was just released from prison on my 21st birthday. I wasn't ready to leave but they said I had to. F***ed up law huh?

Hank Evans:
There ya go, buddy. I parked it for ya. And by the way, you got a headlight out.

Officer Stubie:
Would someone please get this chicken out of my ass?

Irene P. Waters:
So I smoked some weed, is that illegal?

Charlie Baileygates:
I turn my back for one moment then you stick it up my ass. Literally!

Irene P. Waters:
For your information, you stuck it in your own ass!

Hank Evans:
What the hell are you still doing here?

Charlie Baileygates:
You can't just throw me away, Hank, we're in this together.

Jamaal:
Our daddy didn't kill no cop and he sure as sh*t didn't kidnap no skinny-ass b*tch!

Shonte Jr.:
Damn, do you think daddy's getting too much stress?

Lee Harvey:
I think he's getting too much shredded wheat by the mothaf***in' look of it!

Hank Evans:
Ever been b*tch slapped?

Narrator:
It's funny how a man reacts when his heart has been broken. Some men break down and cry like a baby. And some others take an uzi and climb a clock tower.

Irene P. Waters:
I never wanted to sleep with you, Hank! Okay, you tricked me!

Hank Evans:
Yes, I tricked you. It was deceitful, it was disgusting and despicable. But just for once, see it from my side.

Hank Evans:
I was horny.

Hank Evans:
I noticed you conveniently left out your eating disorder.

Irene P. Waters:
I don't have and eating disorder.

Hank Evans:
Whatever you say, slim.

Hank Evans:
Warden. I want my own cell.

Charlie Baileygates:
Irene?

Irene P. Waters:
Hmm?

Charlie Baileygates:
Why am I peeing like I was up all night having sex?

Narrator:
Well, it seems old Hank had pulled a fast one.

Hank Evans:
Holy Jesus in heaven! it's a giant Q-tip.

Irene P. Waters:
Hank!

Hank Evans:
What? I'm jokin' with the guy. Bringin' a little sunshine into his life. Careful, you'll peel.

Irene P. Waters:
You should be furious. I just dropped kicked you right in the face.

Charlie Baileygates:
Hey, it happens.

Charlie Baileygates:
Well, we can't be calling you Milky if your comin' with us, so what's your name?

Whitey:
Casper, but my friends call me Whitey.

Charlie Baileygates:
Uh, okay.

Lee Harvey:
You keep f***in' around and you gonna get that scholarship to Yale taken away. End up at Stanford with a muthaf***in' sling blade.

Jamaal:
Sh*t, yo' ass gonna be lucky to get into Duke, gettin' a muthaf***in' 1430 on yo' SATs.

Lee Harvey:
Sh*t, muthaf***a you know I had the flu.

Jamaal:
You'd have to have a muthaf***in' aneurysm to get a 1430, sh*t.

Hank Evans:
Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

Irene P. Waters:
Did you just refer to yourself in the fourth person?

Hank Evans:
Charlie's like origami, he folds under pressure.

Hank Evans:
What are you staring at f***er? You wanna start me up? Just open the choke and pull the cord, pal. There's gonna be an earthquake and you're dancing on the fault line.

Irene P. Waters:
Charlie may not have a long one, but he's real good on he up and down game.

Hank Evans:
What? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Can we just speak English here?

Hank Evans:
Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'!

Irene P. Waters:
Ok, look, I don't know what that means!

Jamaal:
These two motherf***ers can do the shopping, and I'll do the cooking.

Lee Harvey:
Man, you'll do the cooking? Man, you're the one who thought you got chipped beef from a toothy blowj*b.

Hank:
Still wanna skip-rope in the street?

Little Girl:
I'm gonna tell my daddy on you, Charlie!

Hank:
Wrong answer. And the name's Hank, fuckface.

Charlie:
Alright, Hank, truce?

Hank:
For now, f***er.

Charlie:
Hank, we're shot.

Hank:
Come on, you p*ssy. It's just a flesh wound.

Charlie:
[seeing Lieutenant Gerke in the road] Oh, sh*t!

Hank:
Don't worry about him. [runs over Lieutenant Gerke]

Charlie:
Hank, what have you done?! Oh my God!

Hank:
Don't you just love it?

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans:
Yeah, she's pretty much screwed. Come on, I'll buy you a beer.

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans:
This is my body! Do you understand that? I'm calling the shots from now on, Hank. I don't need you to fight my battles for me. If you back down from something this important, you're nothing at all. YOU'RE NOTHING AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans:
Had enough? Up yours.

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans:
Arrivederci, deadwood.

Charlie Baileygates/Hank Evans:
That was me. Yeah, big deal. The guy's got his glassjaw.