Mean Girls

Janis:
That one there, that's Karen Smith. She is one of the dumbest girls you will ever meet. Damien sat next to her in English last year.

Damian:
She asked me how to spell orange.

Janis:
That little one, that's Gretchen Wieners.

Damian:
She's totally rich because her dad invented Toaster Streudels.

Janis:
Gretchen Wieners knows everybody's business, she knows everything about everyone.

Damian:
That's why her hair is so big, it's full of secrets.

Janis:
And evil takes a human form in Regina George. Don't be fooled because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing slut faced ho-bag, but in reality, she's so much more than that.

Damian:
She's the queen bee - the star, those other two are just her little workers.

Regina:
Get in loser, we're going shopping.

Karen:
Ma'am, do you have this in the next size up?

Saleslady:
Sorry, we only carry sizes 1, 3, and 5. You could try Sears.

Gretchen:
I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me... but I can't help it that I'm so popular.

Regina George:
She thinks she's gonna have a party and not invite me? Who does she think she is?

Shane Oman:
You're right, hon.

Regina George:
I like *invented* her, you know what I mean?

Regina:
I know, right?

Chip Heron:
Hey, how was school?

Cady:
Fine.

Betsy Heron:
Were people nice?

Cady:
No.

Chip Heron:
Did you make any friends?

Cady:
Yes.

Regina:
But you're, like, really pretty.

Cady:
Thank you.

Regina:
So you agree?

Cady:
What?

Regina:
You think you're really pretty?

Cady:
Oh... I don't know

Short Girl:
Hey, get out of here.

Damian:
Oh my God - Danny DeVito! I love your work!

Karen:
There's a 30% chance that it's already raining!

Cady:
Half the people in this room are mad at me, and the other half only like me because they think I pushed somebody in front a bus, so that's not good.

Regina:
I know she's kind of socially retarded and weird, but she's my friend... so, just promise me you wont make fun of her!

Karen:
If you're from Africa, why are you white?

Gretchen:
Oh my God, Karen, you can't just ask people why they're white.

Regina:
I gave him everything! I was half a virgin when I met him.

Karen:
Do you wanna do something fun? Wanna go to taco bell?

Regina:
I can't go to taco bell, I'm on an all-carb diet. GOD Karen you're so stupid!

Gretchen:
Wait, Regina! Talk to me!

Regina:
No one understands me...

Gretchen:
I understand you!

Cady:
You're not stupid, Karen.

Karen:
No, I am actually. I'm failing almost everything!

Cady:
Well... there must be something you're good at.

Karen:
I can stick my whole fist in my mouth! Wanna see?

Cady:
No no no... Anything else?

Karen:
Well... I'm kinda psychic. I have a fifth sense.

Cady:
What do you mean?

Karen:
It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's going to rain.

Cady:
Really? That's amazing.

Karen:
Well... they can tell when it's raining.

Coach Carr:
Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, ok, promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers.

Emma Gerber:
Watch where you're going fat-ass!

Regina:
Why don't I know you?

Cady:
I'm new. I just moved here from Africa.

Regina:
What?

Cady:
I used to be home-schooled.

Regina:
Wait... what?

Cady:
My mom taught me at home...

Regina:
No, I know what home-school is, I'm not retarded! So you've actually never been to a real school before? Shut up! Shut up!

Cady:
I didn't say anything.

Karen:
I can't go out.

Karen:
I'm sick.

Regina:
Boo, you whore!

Janis:
Why didn't they just keep home schooling you?

Cady:
They wanted me to get socialized.

Damian:
Oh, you'll get socialized all right, a little slice like you.

Cady:
What are you talking about?

Janis:
You're a regulation hottie.

Cady:
What?

Damian:
Own it.

Gretchen:
What are you supposed to be?

Karen:
I'm a MOUSE. DUH.

Chip Heron:
This is your lunch, OK? I put a dollar in there so you can buy some milk; you can ask one of the big kids where to do that.

Betsy Heron:
Do you remember your phone number? I wrote it down for you just in case. Put it in your pocket, I don't want you to lose it. OK? You ready?

Cady:
I think so.

Kevin Gnapoor:
Look, I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but I only date women of color.

Cady:
I have to pee.

Gretchen:
Irregardless, ex-boyfriends are just off limits to friends. I mean that's just like the rules of feminism.

Regina:
Cady, do you even know who sings this?

Cady:
Um... the Spice Girls?

Regina:
I love her. She's like a Martian!

Mr. Duvall:
Did your teacher ever try to sell you marijuana or ecstasy tablets?

Mr. Duvall:
Coach Carr, step away from the underage girls!

Jason:
Did you see nipple? It only counts if you saw a nipple!

Gretchen:
And did you know she cheats on Aaron? Yes, every thursday he thinks she's doing SAT Prep but really she's hooking up with Shane Oman in the projection room above the auditorium. And I never told anyone because... I was SUCH a good friend...

Gretchen:
That is so fetch!

Regina:
Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen! It's not going to happen!

Gretchen:
That was so fetch!

Karen:
On Wednesdays we wear pink!

Karen:
You know who's looking fine tonight? Seth Mosakowski.

Gretchen:
Okay, you did not just say that.

Karen:
What? He's a good kisser.

Gretchen:
He's your cousin.

Karen:
Yeah, but he's my first cousin.

Gretchen:
Right.

Karen:
So, you have your cousins, and then you have your first cousins, and then you have your second cousins...

Gretchen:
No, honey, uh-uh.

Karen:
That's not right, is it?

Gretchen:
That is so not right.

Mr. Duvall:
Her name is Cady. Cady Heron. Where are you, Cady?

Cady:
That's me. It's pronounced like Katie.

Mr. Duvall:
My apologies. I have a nephew named Anfernee, and I know how mad he gets when I call him Anthony. Almost as mad as I get when I think about the fact that my sister named him Anfernee.

Cady:
I think I'm joining the Mathletes.

Regina:

Karen:
No! No, no!

Regina:
You cannot do that. That is social suicide. *Damn*! You are so lucky you have us to guide you.

Coach Carr:
At your age, you're going to have a lot of urges. You're going to want to take off your clothes, and touch each other. But if you do touch each other, you *will* get Chlamydia... and die.

Mr. Duvall:
Never in my 14 years as an educator have I seen such behavior. And from young ladies. I've got parents calling me on the phone and asking, ?Did someone get shot?. I oughta cancel your Spring Fling.

Mr. Duvall:
Now, I'm not gonna do that because we've already paid the DJ, but don't think I'm not taking this book seriously. Coach Carr has fled school property. Ms. Norbury has been accused of selling drugs. Now what the young ladies in this grade need is an attitude makeover. And you're going to get it, right now. I don't care how long it takes. I will keep you here all night.

Joan the Secretary:
We can't keep them past four.

Mr. Duvall:
I will keep you here until four.

Mr. Duvall:
So, uh... how was your summer?

Ms. Norbury:
I got divorced.

Mr. Duvall:
Oh. My carpal tunnel came back.

Ms. Norbury:
I win.

Kevin Gnapoor:
So, are you Puerto Rican?

Janis:
Lebanese.

Kevin Gnapoor:
I feel that.

Jessica Lopez:
I don't hate you cuz yo' fat... yo' fat cuz I hate you!

Homeschooled Boy:
And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs. And the homosexuals.

Damian:
You can't join Mathletes, it's social suicide!

Ms. Norbury:
Thanks, Damian.

Janis:
We gotta crack Gretchen Wieners. We crack Gretchen, and then we crack the lock on Regina's whole dirty history.

Damian:
Say crack again.

Janis:
Crack.

Janis:
Your mom's chest hair!

Ms. Norbury:
Oh, hi. Did you wanna buy some drugs?

Damian:
Oh, my God! I love this song!

Janis:
I hate this song.

Cady:
I *know* this song!

Cady:
Oh, God...

Janis:
You dirty little liar!

Cady:
I'm sorry, I can explain.

Janis:
Explain what? How you forgot to invite us to your cool party?

Damian:
Janis, I cannot stop this car. I have a curfew.

Cady:
You know I couldn't invite you! I had to pretend to be plastic.

Janis:
Hey, buddy, you're not pretending anymore! You're plastic! Cold, shiny, hard plastic!

Damian:
Curfew, 1a.m., it is now 1:10.

Janis:
Did you have an awesome time? Did you drink awesome shooters, listen to awesome music, and just soak up each others awesomeness?

Cady:
You know what? You're the one who made me like this so you could use me for your eighth grade revenge!

Janis:
God! See, at least me and Regina George know we're mean! You try to act so innocent like, ?Oh, I use to live in Africa with all the little birdies, and the little monkeys?.

Cady:
You know what! It's not my fault you're like, in love with me, or something!

Janis:
What?

Damian:
Oh no she did not!

Janis:
See, that's the thing with you plastics, you think everyone's in love with you, but in realitly, everyone *hates* you, like Aaron Samules for example! He broke up with Regina and guess what, he still doesn't want you, Cady! So why are you still messing with Regina? I'll tell you why, because you are a mean girl, you're a b*tch! Here, you can have this, it won a prize.

Damian:
And I want my pink shirt back! I want my pink shirt back!

Mrs. George:
I just want you to know, if you ever need anything, don't be shy, OK? There are NO rules in the house. I'm not like a *regular* mom, I'm a *cool* mom.

Damian:
My nanna takes her wig off when she is drunk.

Ms. Norbury:
Your nanna and I have that in common.

Cady:
Hey!... Are we still in a fight?

Janis:
You still an a**hole?

Cady:
No. I don't think so.

Betsy Heron:
Where's Cady?

Chip Heron:
She went out.

Betsy Heron:
She's grounded.

Chip Heron:
Are they not allowed out when they're grounded?

Bethany Byrd:
Somebody wrote in that book that I'm lying about being a virgin because I use super jumbo tampons... but I can't help it if I've got a heavy flow and a wide set vagina!

Mr. Duvall:
Yeah, I can't do this.

Cady:
Grool... I meant to say cool and then I started to say great.

Mr. Duvall:
Hell, no. I did *not* leave the South Side for this.

Kevin Gnapoor:
Cady, this is your night. Don't let the hataz stop you from doin' ya thang!

Damian:
Janis Ian - Dyke.

Janis:
Oh, that's original.

Damian:
"Too gay to function?"

Janis:
Hey, that's only ok when I say it.

Jason:
Yeah! Take your top off!

Cady:
Wow. Your house is really nice.

Regina:
I know, right?

Gretchen:
Make sure you check out her mom's boob job. They're hard as rocks.

Janis:
Oh, I love seeing teachers outside of school. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs.

Regina George:
120 calories and 48 calories from fat. What percent is that?

Gretchen:
Uh, 48 into 120?

Regina George:
I'm only eating foods with less than 30 percent calories from fat.

Cady:
It's 40 percent. Well 48 over 120 equals X over 100 and then you cross multiply and get the value of X.

Regina George:
Whatever, I'm getting cheese fries.

Janis:
What is that smell?

Cady:
Oh, Regina gave me some perfume.

Janis:
You smell like a baby prostitute.

Cady:
Thanks.

Ms. Norbury:
You nervous?

Cady:
Yes.

Ms. Norbury:
Don't be. You can do this. There's nothing to break your focus, because not one of those Marymount boys is cute.

Damian:
Good news, they didn't get run over... Bad news, they're still flat.

Mrs. George:
Hey,hey,hey. How are my best girlfriends?

Mr. Duvall:
Miss Smith, why would Regina refer to herself as a ?fugly slut?

Janis:
There are two kinds of evil people in this world. Those who do evil things and those who see evil things and don't try to stop it

Cady:
Everyone in Africa knows Swedish

I WANT MY PINK SHIRT BACK!

You go Glenn Coco

Janis:
That one there, that's Karen Smith. She is one of the dumbest girls you will ever meet. Damian sat next to her in English last year.

Damian:
She asked me how to spell "orange."

[Cady snickers]

Janis:
And that little one? That's Gretchen Wieners.

Damian:
She's totally rich because her dad invented Toaster Strudel.

Janis:
Gretchen Wieners knows everybody's business. She knows everything about everyone.

Damian:
That's why her hair is so big. It's full of secrets.

Janis:
And evil takes a human form in Regina George. Don't be fooled, because she may seem like your typical selfish, back-stabbing, slut-faced ho-bag. But in reality, she is so much more than that.

Damian:
She's the queen bee. The star. Those other two are just her little workers.

Janis:
Regina George... How do I even begin to explain Regina George?

Emma Gerber:
Regina George is flawless.

Lea Edwards:
She has two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus.

Mathlete Tim Pak:
I hear her hair's insured for $10,000.

Amber D'Alessio:
I hear she does car commercials... in Japan.

Kristen Hadley:
Her favorite movie is Varsity Blues.

Short girl:
One time, she met John Stamos on a plane.

Jessica Lopez:
And he told her she was pretty.

Bethany Byrd:
One time, she punched me in the face. It was awesome.

Damian:
[about Regina] She always looks fierce. She always wins Spring Fling Queen.

Janis:
Who cares?

Damian:
I care. Every year, the seniors throw this dance for the underclassmen called The Spring Fling. And whomsoever is elected Spring Fling King and Queen automatically becomes head of the Student Activities Committee. And since I am an active member of the Student Activities Committee, I would say, yeah, I care.

Janis:
Wow, Damian, you've truly out-gayed yourself.

Gretchen:
Well, I mean, you wouldn't buy a skirt without asking your friends first if it looks good on you.

Cady:
I wouldn't?

Gretchen:
Right. Oh, and it's the same with guys. Like, you may think you like someone, but you could be wrong.

Karen:
Hold on. [presses a button on her phone] Oh, my God. She's so annoying.

Gretchen:
Who is?

Karen:
Who's this?

Gretchen:
Gretchen.

Karen:
Right. Hold on. [presses another button; to Regina] Oh, my God, she's so annoying.

Regina:
I know! Just get rid of her.

Karen:
[to Gretchen] Okay. What is it?

Gretchen:
Regina says everyone hates you because you're such a slut.

Karen:
She said that?

Gretchen:
You didn't hear it from me.

Cady:
Little harsh, Gretch.

Gretchen:
Whatever, she has a right to know.

Karen:
[to Regina] I can't go out. [fake cough] I'm sick.

Regina:
[sarcastically] Boo, you whore. [hangs up; Karen gapes in shock]

Cady:
[voice-over] The weird thing about hanging out with Regina was that I could hate her, and at the same time, I still wanted her to like me.

Regina:
OK. You have really good eyebrows.

Cady:
Thanks.

Regina:
[pushing Gretchen] Move.

Cady:
[voice-over] Same with Gretchen. The meaner Regina was to her, the more Gretchen tried to win Regina back. She knew it was better to be in The Plastics, hating life, than to not be in at all. Because being with The Plastics was like being famous. People looked at you all the time, and everybody just knew stuff about you.

Short girl:
That new girl moved here from Africa.

Bethany Byrd:
I saw Cady Heron wearing army pants and flip-flops, so I bought army pants and flip-flops.

Jason:
That Cady girl is hot. She might even be hotter than Regina George.

Mr. Duvall:
I hear Regina George is dating Aaron Samuels again. The two were seen canoodling at Chris Eisel's Halloween party. They've been inseparable ever since.

Cady:
[voice-over] I was a woman possessed. I spent about 80 percent of my time talking about Regina. And the other 20 percent of the time, I was praying for someone else to bring her up so I could talk about her more. [out loud] She's not even that good-looking if you really look at her.

Janis:
I don't know. Now that's she's getting fatter, she's got pretty big jugs.

Cady:
[voice-over] I could hear people getting bored with me. But I couldn't stop. It just kept coming up like word vomit. [out loud] I have this theory that if you cut all her hair off, she'd look like a British man.

Janis:
Yeah, I know. You told me that one before.

[After being dumped by Aaron, Regina is crying and holding hands with Gretchen and Karen in her bedroom]

Karen:
Did he say why?

Regina:
[sniffling] Somebody told him about Shane Oman.

Gretchen:
Who?

Regina:
He said some guy on the baseball team.

Karen:
Baseball team?

Regina:
I gave him everything. I was half a virgin when I met him.

Karen:
You wanna do something fun? You wanna go to Taco Bell?

Regina:
I can't go to Taco Bell, I'm on an all-carb diet! God, Karen, you are so stupid! [stomps off]

Gretchen:
Regina, wait! Talk to me! [goes after Regina]

Regina:
Nobody understands me.

Gretchen:
I understand you.

Cady:
You're not stupid, Karen.

Karen:
No. I am, actually. I'm failing almost everything.

Cady:
Well, there must be something you're good at.

Karen:
I can put my whole fist in my mouth. Wanna see?

Cady:
No. That's OK. Anything else?

Karen:
I'm kind of psychic. I have a fifth sense.

Cady:
What do you mean?

Karen:
It's like I have ESPN or something. My breasts can always tell when it's gonna rain.

Cady:
Really? That's amazing.

Karen:
Well, they can tell when it's raining.

Cady:
[after humiliating Regina] Regina, wait! I didn't mean for that to happen!

Regina:
To find out that everyone hates me? I don't care!

Cady:
Regina, please! Regina, stop!

Regina:
[turns to Cady and walks toward her] No! Do you know what everyone says about you? They say that you're a home-schooled jungle freak, who's a less hot version of me! Yeah! So don't try to act so innocent! You can take that fake apology and shove it right up your hairy— [gets hit by a bus]

Cady:
[voice-over] And that's how Regina George died. No, I'm totally kidding. But she did get hurt. Some girls say they saw her head go all the way around. But that's just a rumor. Some people swear they saw me push her in front of the bus. That was an even worse rumor.

[deleted scene; Cady is frowned upon]

Cady:
[voice-over] I couldn't apologize to Ms. Norbury without getting blamed for the whole burn book. And then, she said it. The worst thing you could hear from any adult.

Sharon Norbury:
[alarmed] Your parents have been eaten by cannibals!

Cady:
[voice-over] Okay, the second worst.

Sharon Norbury:
I'm really disappointed in you, Cady.

Cady:
So are we still in a fight?

Janis:
Are you still an a**hole?

Cady:
I don't think so.

Janis:
Well, then I guess we're OK.

On wednesday, we wear pink!

Cady:
[voice-over] In the regular world, Halloween is when children dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it.

Cady:
[voice-over] Calling somebody else fat won't make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter. And ruining Regina George's life definitely didn't make me any happier. All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.

Janis:
Where you sit in the cafeteria is crucial because you got everybody there. You got your Freshmen, ROTC Guys, Preps, JV Jocks, Asian Nerds, Cool Asians, Varsity Jocks, Unfriendly Black Hotties, Girls Who Eat Their Feelings, Girls Who Don't Eat Anything, Desperate Wannabes, Burnouts, Sexually Active Band Geeks, The Greatest People You Will Ever Meet, and The Worst. Beware of The Plastics.

Janis:
This is Damian: he's almost too gay to function.