Metal Mickey

Metal Mickey:
I'm bored out of my skull.

Steve:
You haven't got a skull, Mickey.

Metal Mickey:
Ok, I'm bored out of my bucket.

Mother:
Do you think it's coming to eat us, dear?

Father:
No, Marjorie, it's coming for a cup of tea.

Mother:
Oh, we haven't any cups!

Father:
Ooh...

Mother:
Still, I suppose it would drink it's tea out of a dino-saucer. [laughs]

Haley:
You're being very helpful today, Mickey.

Metal Mickey:
I am a helpful robot. I am a pillock of society.

Granny:
Pillar, ya pillock!

Metal Mickey:
It takes on to know one.

Metal Mickey:
Oh, I felt all shivery... like someone was walking over my scrapheap.

Mad Mickey:
I am mean. I make the Kray twins look like the Nolan sisters.

Granny:
What is all this, anyway?

Ken:
Well, when we find Mickey, this should bring a reverse polarity to bear.

Granny:
Polar bear? Where?

Ken:
Which should create a valve heater reaction.

Granny:
Val what?

Ken:
And so integrate the condenser.

Granny:
Oh, I see.

Ken:
You do?

Granny:
Yeah. You're going to make - get a polar bear to dance the Valita in a tin of condensed milk.

Granny:
Had a nice day, being strong and nasty?

Mad Mickey:
Affirmative.

Granny:
Affirmative bulldust! Great soft pudding, you. You're about as hard as last weeks bananas.

Metal Mickey:
I feel so poorly. I've probably got galloping bot-rot and nobody cares.

Steve:
See, this demented dustbin is breaking up the happy home.

Metal Mickey:
I wish to say something that is very painful to me.

Ken:
Hm, what?

Metal Mickey:
Little squirt is correct.

Haley:
Oh boy...

Father:
[addressing his two guests] Come in, Mrs. Baraclough, come in sir.

Mother:
Oh this must be your area manager and his wife, dear.

Father:
No, it's Batman and Robin.

Mother:
Oh. Hello. We haven't got enough food for six, dear.

Mrs. Barraclough:
Now little girl, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Haley:
Oh, an adult.

Mrs. Barraclough:
[looking over Metal Mickey] I'll say this, it's unusual.

Metal Mickey:
You're pretty far out yourself, toots.

Father:
Now listen to me, Marjorie. Today's our anniversary. We're celebrating 22 years of togetherness. And if you don't hurry up, I'm gonna go without you.

Father:
Alright, lets stop, think and go back for whatever it is we've forgotten. Handbag? [Marjorie pats the handbag under her arm] Watch? [Marjorie points at her watch] Make-up? [Marjorie gently slaps her cheek] Knickers?

Haley:
[Haley is holding another baked cake gone wrong] Oh, round, black flat and horrible, what do you call that?

Metal Mickey:
A Bee Gees record.

Haley:
Oh, someone at the door. You go, Mickey.

Metal Mickey:
Why me?

Haley:
Well it might be the Jehova's witnesses.

Metal Mickey:
Oh yes. One look at me, they turn agnostic.

Metal Mickey:
Oops. If my aluminum could turn red, I'd be blushing.

Steve:
We can rebuild him... we have the empty bean tins.

Steve:
You know something, Ken, if there was another war on, mate, we could always melt that thing down and turn him into a spitfire.

Granny:
I'll give up my best saucepan to make a spitfire in the war...

Haley:
But there isn't a war.

Steve:
Well, lets melt him down anyway and turn him into a saucepan, eh gran?

Haley:
Lend us your tape measure, gran.

Granny:
What for? You measured them only yesterday.

Haley:
[indicating her chest] Well yes, but they're bigger now, I think.

Granny:
I've seen larger gooseberries.

Haley:
[Ken has managed to make Metal Mickey move] Shall I call dad now?

Ken:
No, I don't want to tell him until I've got him working properly.

Steve:
In 1989...

Mother:
Haley's alright.

Father:
Haley?

Mother:
Haley, your daughter. You remember...

Father:
Of course I remember. I suppose her head's stuck in one of those sloppy books?

Mother:
Oh, I don't think they do her any harm, dear.

Father:
They're rubbish. I mean love, romance, what on Earth's any of that to do with adult life, hm?

Mother:
Hm, not much.

Metal Mickey:
[admiring himself in the mirror] Wow, what a physique. Pretty neat, huh? Wow. Metal Mickey lives. Metal Mickey lives.

Metal Mickey:
Hands off, clever cloggs. I have my diginity.

Ken:
Well, I only wanted to see your workings.

Metal Mickey:
You can look at mine if I can look at yours.

Haley:
He's lovely.

Metal Mickey:
You're not so bad yourself, Stringbean.

Father:
[fiddling about with remote control] Oh look, Marjorie, Granny, I'm controlling the robot.

Granny:
Yes, dear, who's controlling you?

Metal Mickey:
Oh fiddle.

Father:
It can't stay here son, I mean, you know, this is there are a lot of valuable things in this bungalow, the double glasing, my plants, Granny.

Granny:
In that order.

Metal Mickey:
What are you doing, my little fruitbat?

Granny:
[laughs] Fruitbat. Cheek! It's a tea-cosey. My present to the family for Christmas. I always crochet them a tea-cosy for Christmas.

Metal Mickey:
Every Christmas?

Granny:
Yes.

Metal Mickey:
Why?

Granny:
'Cause it annoys them.

Haley:
Humans die, Stringbean, machines stop.

Metal Mickey:
Well that's still sad, isn't it?

Haley:
Is a lightbulb sad when you switch it off?

Haley:
Mickey, why are you laughing?

Metal Mickey:
I'm not laughing, I'm crying. My cry is very much like my laugh.

Ken:
Well, it's about Metal Mickey.

Father:
No, I'm sorry, Ken, I've mad up my mind on this one, this is a small bungalow and there's not enough room for another...

Granny:
[interrupting] useless piece of scrapmetal on wheels.

Janey:
Well I'll say it was me.

Haley:
Why?

Janey:
Well I'm not one of the family.

Steve:
Look, this is no time for idle boasting.

Janey:
No, I'll say: Mr. Wilberforce, it was me what destroyed your jungle.

Haley:
For what reason?

Janey:
Ehm... it was full of Japanese soldiers who didn't know the war was over?

Father:
Counterfeiting, involving us? Don't be silly!

Detective:
Are you calling a police officer silly, sir?

Father:
What? Oh, no, no, no, I wouldn't do that, don't be si... [catches himself]

Metal Mickey:
[having learned Granny's full name is Mary Edwina Berkenshaw] Edwina! haha hahahaha!

Granny:
Oh, give over, Mickey, else I'll belt you with these.

Clerk:
Madam, that is the Bible!

Clerk:
Now madam, for the last time. Do you plead guilty or not guilty?

Granny:
Well, how 'bout not very guilty?

Clerk:
State your name.

Metal Mickey:
Metal, Michael your blubbership.

Clerk:
That's not a proper name, I'll put it down as 'Exhibit A'

Metal Mickey:
Come on Fido, walkies. Oh dear, I sound like Barbara Woodhouse. Except, she's got a funny voice.

Metal Mickey:
So where's the oil, Stevie-baby?

Annabelle:
What on Earth is that?

Steve:
Oh, it's a robot.

Annabelle:
Still playing with toys, are we, darling?

Metal Mickey:
Steve is not a toy. He just walks like that.

Metal Mickey:
I have come to tell you that you have a secret admirer.

Annabelle:
[lifting weights] Aha.

Metal Mickey:
Someone who wishes to offer you all he's got.

Annabelle:
Hm.

Metal Mickey:
Spots, dandruff. All he's got.

Mother:
I do wish Steve was here.

Granny:
So do I.

Mother:
Still I'm glad he went on that school trip to Paris.

Father:
Yes, so am I. [chuckles] Never did like the French.

Granny:
[Granny and Metal Mickey are playing a game of Snap] Well you're slow this morning, Fluffy. You're not with it.

Metal Mickey:
I'm thinking about Haley.

Granny:
Haley?

Metal Mickey:
Lovely Haley. Sweet sixteen Haley. Our Haley.

Granny:
I didn't think you meant Bill Haley. Snap!

Metal Mickey:
Oh fiddle.

Mother:
I had a boyfriend once. Oh, we danced the quick-step devinely. We danced and we danced and we danced till dawn.

Metal Mickey:
What went wrong?

Mother:
Dawn was a better dancer.

Posh woman:
[about Metal Mickey] Really. The things they do to sell that instant patato.

Wilf:
I know what it is.

Pat:
Well what is it?

Wilf:
It's a flippin' Dalek.

Metal Mickey:
I am not a flippin' Dalek. I am Metal Mickey. There is only one of me.

Wilf:
I can see whey they never made another. [laughs]

Metal Mickey:
Are you an only child?

Wilf:
Eh, yes.

Metal Mickey:
I can see whey they never made another.

Wilf:
Are you subaquatic?

Metal Mickey:
No, I'm English.

Granny:
[Haley has left Granny sitting in her wheelchair] Oh, I knew I'd end up having to push meself.

Janey:
I can't do it!

Haley:
Oh. Is this the real Janey?

Janey:
No, this is a cardboard cutout. The real Janey is on a tropical island with Robert Redford.

Metal Mickey:
It's all my fault. I am so foolish. I am a metallic moron. I am a mechanical error. I am a structural defect.

Janey:
Oh, don't blame yourself, Mickey.

Granny:
You can't help being a twit.

Metal Mickey:
Thank you for nothing.

Mother:
Dear...

Father:
Hm?

Mother:
Why has Steve got the tea cosy on his head?

Father:
He's turned Muslim.

Mother:
Ah, and he was so looking forward to Christmas.

Steve:
[about their new piano] It was going cheap.

Janey:
Strange, they usually go 'plink, plonk'.

Steve:
Ha. Ha.

Haley:
What a lovely old piece.

Granny:
Oh, ta! I am rather wonderful for my age.

Granny:
Why have you got an American accent?

Manager:
Huh?

Steve:
Granny!

Granny:
All those with American accents should be send back to America.

Steve:
Granny, it is a Mid-Atlantic accent.

Granny:
Well, dunk him in the Mid-Atlantic then.

Manager:
Ok, ok, enough of these sentimental goodbyes, come on Mickey, let's go huh?

Metal Mickey:
Hot-diggedy-dog.

Manager:
Hey eh, hey Mickey?

Metal Mickey:
Yeah, yeah, yeah?

Manager:
Yeah, listen baby, Don't say, eh 'hot-diggedy-dog, 'cause it's old fashioned, huh?

Metal Mickey:
[posh accent] Old fashioned?

Manager:
Yes, come on, man talk hip, huh?

Granny:
Don't bother to say goodbye? You can kiss me on the gum-boils.

Barry Suede:
Yes folks, tonight we meet the real Metal Mickey. And just exactly who is Metal Mickey? And why have the fans gone nuts over this 'bolt from the blue'? Is he a copperbottom succes, or will all this glory just turn to rust? Well, lets find out when we meet the original singer-sewing machine himself, Metal Mickey.

Barry Suede:
Metal Mickey is a robot. Can you seriously love a machine?

1st Fan:
It could be worse.

2nd Fan:
[talks like a robot] We-could-be-Cliff-Richard-fans.

Metal Mickey:
Oh, I have been conned. I am a conned can. And I've lost my family. There's only one word to describe the way I feel: Yech.

Metal Mickey:
Dippy, I should not call you Dippy.

Mother:
Oh, I don't mind, dear

Metal Mickey:
Clever clogs is a clever clogs. Stringbean is a stringbean. Bootface is definitely a bootface. But you are not a dippy. I will not call you Dippy anymore.

Mother:
Well what will you call me, dear?

Metal Mickey:
I will call you: mother.

Manager:
Ok, what gives?

Mother:
Oh, Mr. Jason, isn't it?

Manager:
No, dovey, I'm the Sheik of Araby.

Mother:
Oh, Mr. Jason that makes me feel quite at home.

Father:
[Mother has brought Mickey home] Marjorie, it's Ken's robot!

Mother:
No dear, it's the abominable snowman.

Father:
Oho, silly me.

Granny:
I wish I had a robot to help me with my homework when I was little.

Metal Mickey:
Homework was easier then.

Granny:
Why, in what way?

Metal Mickey:
History was a lot shorter.

Steve:
Ok, who was that little creep I saw you bopping the night away with tonight?

Haley:
He was not a creep. He said I looked a bit like Farrah Fawcett.

Steve:
Which bit?

Father:
You son, are an idiot.

Steve:
Must be hereditary, dad.

Granny:
Don't bully me, I'm sweet, gray haired old dingeling.

Metal Mickey:
You tell 'em, fruitbat.

Haley:
Look, Mickey, don't stir it, this is all your fault.

Metal Mickey:
I know, I'm a naughty little genius.

Mother:
My mother the scientific genius...

Granny:
My daughter, the half-baked noodle.

Metal Mickey:
Houston, we have a malfunction.

Jonathan:
Desk drawer. Ah, it's locked.

Harry:
Pity. Must be private.

Jonathan:
Harry, we're crooks. We're allowed to open private draws.

Granny:
Aw!

Father:
Granny are you alright?

Granny:
It's me hearing aid.

Father:
Well, what, did it hurt?

Granny:
Worse. It's just picked up Terry Wogan.

Sergeant:
And you call the robot Metal Mickey?

Steve:
Yeah.

Sergeant:
Can I ask you something?

Steve:
Yeah.

Sergeant:
What you call your hairdryer?

Steve:
Well actually, I don't call it anything, but Metal Mickey calls it Ethel.

Father:
Can't wait to tell them at work. They will laugh...

Haley:
It's not funny, dad!

Father:
When I say something funny, my staff laugh.

Janey:
It's a condition to their employment.

Jonathan:
Who are you then, Grandma?

Granny:
Don't you recognize me?

Jonathan:
No.

Granny:
Cor, you never heard of Wonder Granny?

Jonathan:
Eh?

Metal Mickey:
Wonder Granny. Like Wonder Woman. Only slightly older.

Granny:
I only got to spin round twice. You know what happens?

Harry:
What?

Granny:
My vest gets wrapped up. [Mickey laughs]

Steve:
[Steve and Janey are armwrestling] I'm Big Daddy.

Janey:
And I'm Margaret Thatcher. [she beats him]

Granny:
[Gran is recounting the first time she met her son in law] Oh you know, he says Mrs Berkenshaw, he says, my family was in financial circumstances. Oh, I said, so was mine, I said. Mine was in iron and steel.

Haley:
Where they?

Granny:
Yeah. In a manner of speaking. My mum ironed, dad stole.

Mother:
Busy with your flowers, dear?

Father:
No Marjorie, I'm sliding around on a roller skate in a grass skirt with a banana on my ear.

Mother:
Oh, that reminds me.

Father:
What?

Mother:
I forgot banana's.

Metal Mickey:
Isn't this exciting?

Miss Beadle:
Yes indeed.

Metal Mickey:
I don't know why I fancy you. After all, you are nasty, creepy, mean...

Miss Beadle:
Go on, go on.

Metal Mickey:
Grim, rude, stupid.

Miss Beadle:
You're amazing!

Metal Mickey:
Sorry, not stupid.

Metal Mickey:
Bye bye Dippy. By the way, Herbert Hoover will break down tomorrow.

Mother:
How do you know?

Metal Mickey:
He told me. He's not been feeling very well.