Mike & Molly

Mike Biggs:
Hey, ma! You feeling better today?

Peggy:
I put the potatoes in the oven, and not my head, so there's that.

Peggy:
My friend died.

Vince:
You had a friend?

Mike Biggs:
Why is it so dark in here?

Peggy:
I'm practicing for when I'm dead.

Mike Biggs:
Ma, don't be that way.

Peggy:
Nobody gets out of here alive, Mikey.

Mike Biggs:
[gives concerned look to Carl]

Officer Carl McMillan:
She's fine.

Peggy:
[brings out ham] Here. Eat it before it rots, a fate that awaits us all.

Mike Biggs:
[Molly asked what Carl is doing in Mike's apartment with the door chain locked] He's probably in there doin' some broad.

Molly Flynn:
[Punches Mike's shoulder] Mike, that's disgusting!

Mike Biggs:
Sorry. He's in there making sweet love to some broad.

Molly Flynn:
[Punches him again] So, you're telling me right now he's in there having sex on our bed?

Mike Biggs:
I don't think so. Carl likes to stand and deliver.

Molly Flynn:
[Referring to Carl having sex in Mike's apartment] How often does this happen?

Mike Biggs:
I don't know. I gave him the key about four years ago. So, what is that...? Once every four years?

Joyce Flynn:
[to Mike who is backed up against the counter] What do you men want from us? We cook for you, we clean for you. We destroy our bodies giving you children! [to Molly and Victoria] Not that I'd trade either one of you for my old b*obs.

Molly Flynn:
[Trying to assure Mike that they aren't becoming less sexually active] Listen to me. I didn't say not at all or never again. I said not now. Okay?

Mike Biggs:
Okay. So, we're still in that hot, crazy, can't get enough of that funky stuff phase, right?

Molly Flynn:
Absolutely. If I didn't have to eat, bathe or earn a living, I'd never unwrap my legs from around your mighty torso.

Mike Biggs:
Really?

Molly Flynn:
Mm, hmm. Yep, 24-7. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

Mike Biggs:
[Smiling, extremely proud of himself] Alriiiight!

Mike Biggs:
What are you watching?

Victoria Flynn:
A very informative documentary on UFO's and extraterrestrials.

Mike Biggs:
Yeah, but, you don't actually believe that we've been visited by aliens, do ya?

Victoria Flynn:
[Gives him a look] Yes, I do. And they're not just visiting. [Softly] They're here.

Mike Biggs:
Really.

Victoria Flynn:
[Dead serious] Haven't you ever been in a conversation with somebody and the whole time you're thinking, wow... this person's from another planet?

Mike Biggs:
[Looks her straight in the eye for a long moment] Yes.

Mike Biggs:
Hold on. Now you're telling me you believe in Bigfoot?

Victoria Flynn:
I didn't used to. Until I saw him running away from our campsite with a can of Pringles and a bag of weed.

Mike Biggs:
I see. So, Bigfoot stole marijuana from you.

Victoria Flynn:
That's messed up, right?

Mike Biggs:
Totally uncool, yeah.

Victoria Flynn:
What is camping without weed? I'll tell you what it is. It's just sleeping outside.

Mike Biggs:
You know, that's actually very true.

Victoria Flynn:
So, yes. I do believe in Bigfoot. And, yes. I think he's a total jerk.

Mike Biggs:
Dammit, my penchant for chivalry is nothing but a curse!

Joyce Flynn:
You know, when I was young, I was considered quite the catch. And not just because I put out.

Victoria Flynn:
[Smiling] Hey, Mike. If I blaze up, are you gonna get all piggly wiggly on me?

Mike Biggs:
You know, Victoria. You don't need to get wasted to have a good time.

Victoria Flynn:
[Her smile drops and she looks completely confused] What are you talking about?

Mike Biggs:
I'm just saying that a person doesn't need drugs or alcohol to enjoy themselves.

Victoria Flynn:
[Still confused, she looks at him as if he's speaking another language] I'm not following you.

Molly Flynn:
Let's go to bed.

Mike Biggs:
Alright. But, we're not gonna have sex *every* night. You okay with that?

Molly Flynn:
No. You're puttin' out.

Grandma Jenkins:
[Upon returning home, Carl is on the sofa drinking beer and watching TV] AW Hell NO!

Grandma Jenkins:
[Carl is leaving his grandma's and she gives him his porno tape] You better take this! I went to watch the view and I got one I didn't want to see!

Mike Biggs:
I did it once because I love you, and you're not going to make me do it again, because you love me.

Mike Biggs:
How is me salsa dancing going to help catch crooks?

Samuel:
I would imagine a criminal pointing and laughing is easier to apprehend.

Mike Biggs:
It's not a man. It's Carl.

Mike Biggs:
[at a restaurant] How's your snapper?

Molly Flynn:
[loopy on cold medicine] Fine. How's your penis?

Mike Biggs:
I'm alright, Nana. How are you?

Grandma:
Oh, I'm right with my savior and tight with my bookie!

Molly Flynn:
[Mike is upset that Molly wants him to eat fish for breakfast and give up caffeine, and protests] Well, clearly you know more than a team of Swedish doctors.

Mike Biggs:
Damn fish-eatin' Swedes! I *knew* they were behind this!

Molly Flynn:
Eat your fish.

Mike Biggs:
[Looks at the whole fish on his plate] I don't like my fish this way.

Molly Flynn:
Oh, nobody does! It's a horror show!

Mike Biggs:
It should be deep fried and served in a cardboard pirate hat like God intended.

Joyce Flynn:
Oh, I do love my glass of wine at the end of the day. It's almost as good as the one at the beginning of the day.

Vince:
Oh boy, Chinese. Is there any slippery shrimp?

Molly Flynn:
Just you.

Molly Flynn:
[Incensed and eating as quickly as she can] Nonsense. He called planning our wedding nonsense!

Joyce Flynn:
Sweetie, I don't think those pancakes are part of your diet.

Molly Flynn:
[Challenge in her tone] Do you wanna reach over here and try to take them away from me?

Joyce Flynn:
No hotdogs. And no pancakes. You're not eating this stress away. We're going to my yoga class.

Molly Flynn:
The hell I am! Me in a leotard surrounded by skinny, bendy women. I'd rather kill us all.

Victoria Flynn:
I'm scared! Make her a hotdog, Mom.

Samuel:
[to Carl while the guys are in a fishing boat on a lake] Please tell me why we are here. When did our people ever have good experiences on boats?

Vince:
Threats and ultimatums are the glue of love. Without it, we're no better than animals.

Vince:
What have you got against Paris? It's beautiful. Plus, if you can stomach pit hair on chicks, you can see free b*obs on TV.

Officer Mike Biggs:
You should be a travel agent.

Molly Flynn:
Mike's taking me to "La Boheme"

Joyce Flynn:
The opera? Have you told him that Elmer Fudd isn't in it?

Mike Biggs:
[At the opera with Molly] God, where is John Wilkes Booth when you need him?

Mike Biggs:
[to Molly after sneezing in the car] Here's a million dollar idea. Windshield wipers on the *in* side.

Victoria Flynn:
Pee-Yew! Something smells like dried rhino penis.

Mike Biggs:
For her it's one night, but Harry's gonna be prepping for days. Going to every big-and-tall shop looking for a shirt that's hip, sexy, and doesn't look like someone's tenting for termites.

Molly Flynn:
This isn't just about Harry, is it?

Mike Biggs:
Her name was Betsy Zajko. I was a sophmore and she was a senior. I'd just made third-string center on the football team so I was feeling pretty good about myself.

Molly Flynn:
Whiskey?

Mike Biggs:
Please. [Molly hands a glass to Mike and pours] Anyway, the summer before, her boyfriend had been killed in a dirt-bike accident, so she was vulnerable and most of the guys in her league were feeling a little gun-shy.

Molly Flynn:
Understandable.

Mike Biggs:
I mustered up the courage to ask her out, and to my amazement, she said, "Yes." I showed up to the dance with a new shirt, corduroy vest, and a pair of my dad's dress khakis.

Molly Flynn:
Ooh. Hello, sexy.

Mike Biggs:
Molly, please?

Molly Flynn:
Sorry.

Mike Biggs:
Anyway, by the end of the night, Betsy had slow-danced or dry-humped the quarterback, the fullback, pretty much anybody with a varsity letter and an erection.

Molly Flynn:
Oh, honey.

Mike Biggs:
Yeah, apparently, I was the warm-up act for the entire team. While they were enjoying the fruits of my labor, I was in the parking lot splitting a meat lover's pizza with the fat tuba player from the marching band.

Molly Flynn:
Yeah, I've got a similar story. Mine ends with me splitting a bag of White Castle hamburgers with a very grabby equipment manager. He's a she now. [Clinks glass and whiskey bottle] I buy my Mary Kay products from her. [Refills Mike's glass and takes a swig from the bottle]

Molly Flynn, Victoria Flynn:
"Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm getting married in three months and I got squat." [Flips pages] I don't remember writing any of this.

Victoria Flynn:
Did I dream this or were you in the backyard last night drunk and throwing a knife at a tree?

Molly Flynn:
[Makes funny face] No, I don't think so, Snoop Dogg.

Molly Flynn:
[Takes knife and throws at cupboard. It hits it perfectly] How long was I out there?

Officer Carl McMillan:
I can't stand the thought of a friend of mine riding around on a dirty city bus.

Samuel:
I ride the bus.

Officer Carl McMillan:
And it suits you.

Joyce Flynn:
I know he's not your father, but he treats me like a queen. And you can crack walnuts on his johnson.

Molly Flynn:
Leaving just seemed like the right thing to do.

Mike Biggs:
Through the window?

Molly Flynn:
You know, anybody can leave through a door.

Molly Flynn:
To be honest, I don't have a very good excuse for what I did.

Mr. Wisney:
You don't need a good excuse. You're in a union.

Samuel:
How's your wife doing? Have her marbles been located?

Victoria Flynn:
[Referring to going back to school] I'm gonna do it. I mean, if not now, when? Besides, I'm going to take a history class and if I wait much longer, there's gonna be a lot more to learn.

Mike Biggs:
The worst thing you could do is fill people with hope!

Molly Flynn:
Stop quoting your mother's pillows!

Mike Biggs:
[to another fan at a Cubs game while Molly is crying due to missing her dad] She's a little upset. She thought it was bobble head day.

Mike Biggs:
Look at me, Carl. It's the 9th inning and I have not had *one* hotdog!

Vendor #2:
You want everything on it, big guy?

Mike Biggs:
Walk away! Walk away! Walk away!

Joyce Flynn:
When I die, pull out the stops; I want to look peaceful but do-able.

Peggy:
My motto's always been: A little powder, a little paint, makes you something that you ain't.

[first lines]

Peggy:
Here's some hors d'oeuvres. The crackers are low-cal and taste like tree bark, so I doubled up on the spray cheese.

[last lines]

Molly Flynn:
I love you, Mike.

Officer Mike Biggs:
I love you, Molly.

Molly Flynn:
Dinner was delicious. Good for you, finding a man who knows his way around a kitchen.

Officer Mike Biggs:
I know my way around a kitchen.

Molly Flynn:
I meant cooking, not finding an Oreo in the dark.

Joyce Flynn:
[Joyce is hugging on Vince just as Molly walks in] Lucky for us, there's more than one way to skin a cat.

Molly Flynn:
I pray to God you're talking about skinning an actual cat.

Dennis:
Your mother is a sensitive and delicate flower handily disguised by a hateful and abusive demeanor.

Molly Flynn:
[They've just become engaged] When did you get this ring?

Officer Mike Biggs:
About two weeks after I met you.

Officer Carl McMillan:
[Fighting tears] Look at me. I'm gonna be a best man.

Officer Carl McMillan:
[Making wedding plans] I'm thinkin' next spring, sunset, Lincoln Park when the azaleas are in bloom.

Samuel:
But, with an indoor option in case of inclement weather.

Victoria Flynn:
Or rain.

Molly Flynn:
[Referring to Vince] Mom. Go walk him, please!

Molly Flynn:
Oh, c'mon, don't listen to Vince. If he's not saying something dumb, he's saying something stupid.

Mike Biggs:
[Discouraged about dieting] As long as there's pie, I'm not safe.

Molly Flynn:
No. As long as there's *me*, you are.

Victoria Flynn:
[High after smoking a joint] Has it been a long time since I've talked?

Mike Biggs:
So are we still serving him coffee?

Molly Flynn:
Yeah, sure. Just 'cause he's dead to us doesn't mean we can't be polite.

Officer Carl McMillan:
I'm just saying: good guys finish last. I mean, why do you think I'm still single?

Samuel:
Because women have caller ID?

Mike Biggs:
Carl, you're my best friend in the world, but you're a hot head and a loud mouth.

Officer Carl McMillan:
That's just when we have to play good cop, bad cop.

Mike Biggs:
It's actually more [placing his hand on his chest] embarrassed cop, and [waving his hand towards Carl] source of embarrassment cop.

Victoria Flynn:
You know, when I first graduated from cosmetology school, there were no jobs anywhere. And I thought, oh my God, I just wasted three weeks of my life.

Samuel:
So, how did you find work?

Victoria Flynn:
Two words. Right place, right time.

Mike Biggs:
At the rate Me and Molly are paying down our debt, our first home's gonna be a nursing home.

Samuel:
Boo-hoo. My credit rating is so bad, I can't even get into debt.

Victoria Flynn:
I know this is weird coming from your stoner sister, but you've got a problem.

Christina:
That's two secrets you've blown!

Grandma:
Way to go double O' Stupid!

Officer Carl McMillan:
Luck is the residue of design.

Peggy:
Art museums. Just a way for perverts to look at nude babies with wings.

Joyce Flynn:
What makes her so special?

Molly Flynn:
She's just full of life, and she's traveled all over the world.

Joyce Flynn:
So did I. I was a flight attendant.

Molly Flynn:
You didn't explore the jungle. You explored airport bars.

Joyce Flynn:
Hey, those bars can be just as dangerous. There's creepy predators, exotic diseases, and either place you're gonna get bushwhacked.

Mike Biggs:
The last thing you want to do is get on her bad side.

Molly Flynn:
Is there a good side?

Mike Biggs:
Yes, and believe it or not, you're on it. Your tires aren't slashed, no dog turds in the mailbox, and the women in her church don't think you have syphilis.

Molly Flynn:
Oh, God!

Mike Biggs:
Why do you think that amazing house across the street from her gets sold every year?

Molly Flynn:
I thought it was black mold.

Mike Biggs:
She's the black mold.

Kay McKinnon:
You know, I almost drowned in the Amazon. I've even had worms living in my eyeballs, but the worst pain in my ass has been being friends with you.

Peggy:
You're no walk in the park. I get you one week every three years. You're like a yeast infection!

Kay McKinnon:
Well, my dear, consider yourself cured.

Peggy:
Kay has seen every inch of this filthy planet.

Kay McKinnon:
Yeah, there's only one place I wouldn't dare go back to.

Molly Flynn:
Somalia?

Kay McKinnon:
Florida. Awful place. Mickey Mouse, meth, and mullets. Let the Cubans have it.

Peggy:
My father sent me this trunk just after my mother died.

Molly Flynn:
Oh, that's sweet. [Stops Peggy from opening it] She's not in here, is she?

Peggy:
[Referring to her mother] After Daddy went to bed, she'd sneak out on the porch, smoke her pipe and just cry.

Molly Flynn:
Why was she crying?

Peggy:
I told you. It was on that farm. We barely scraped by. [Her voice gets quieter] And when things get really bad, Daddy got angry.

Molly Flynn:
Angry, how?

Peggy:
He started hitting. The walls. The dog.

Molly Flynn:
You?

Peggy:
He tried, but Momma wouldn't let him. So, he turned it all on her.

Molly Flynn:
[Sadly, softly] Peggy, I had no idea.

Peggy:
How could you? No one knew. First chance I had, I lit outta there and never looked back.

Molly Flynn:
Well, of course, I mean what choice did you have?

Peggy:
[Fighting tears, disappointed in herself] I left her there. She protected me all those years, and I just abandoned her.

Molly Flynn:
I- I'm sure that all your mother ever really wanted was for you to be safe.

Peggy:
Who was keeping her safe?

Molly Flynn:
Well, you were a kid. There was nothing you could do about that.

Peggy:
I could have stayed.

Molly Flynn:
[Both of them fighting tears now] Then you wouldn't have lived the life that you were supposed to live. And I never would have met the strongest woman that I've ever known. Or my amazing husband.

Peggy:
[Taking a deep breath] It's always about you. [They both laugh through their tears] Guess that's why I hold onto Mikey so tight. I don't want to- abandon anyone ever again.

Molly Flynn:
He knows you're not going anywhere. We've both come to terms with that. [They laugh and Peggy hugs her close]