Miss Congeniality

Gracie Hart:
You think I'm gorgeous, you want to kiss me... You want to hug me... You want to love me... You want to hug me... You want to smooch me... You want to...

Gracie Hart:
It's lite beer, and she's gonna throw it up anyway.

Stan Fields:
Miss Rhode Island, please describe your idea of a perfect date.

Cheryl "Rhode Island":
That's a tough one. I would have to say April 25th. Because it's not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket.

Gracie Hart:
I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven't slept all night, I'm starved, AND I'm armed! Don't MESS with me!

Gracie Hart:
Donut Nazi.

Gracie Hart:
I would so like to hurt you right now.

Victor Melling:
As long as you smile.

Victor Melling:
What no armored car?

Gracie Hart:
That would be in my other dress.

Kathy Morningside:
Of course he had a gun. This is Texas! Everybody has a gun. My florist has a gun!

Stan Fields:
I don't own a gun. My ancestors were Quakers.

Victor Melling:
Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown.

Eric Matthews:
Is this you not arguing? 'Cause you suck at it.

Victor Melling:
The last time I saw a walk like that was in "Jurassic Park."

Kathy Morningside:
I would much rather cancel the show than have my girls blown up.

Stan Fields:
Especially without their knowledge.

Stan Fields:
And we'll be right back with our five final lesbians - interviews!

Eric Matthews:
We were just looking for someone to go undercover at the Miss United States Pageant, sir.

McDonald:
And I'm the best we got. That doesn't inspire much confidence.

Eric Matthews:
Don't look at me like I betrayed you.

Gracie Hart:
No, betrayal implies an action, you just stood there!

Gracie Hart:
Gracie Lou Freebush?

Eric Matthews:
I thought you'd like that.

Gracie Hart:
Yeah, well. My IQ just dropped ten points.

Eric Matthews:
Operation "Thong" has commenced.

Gracie Hart:
Why don't you stun-gun yourself?

Eric Matthews:
I knew she'd like that one.

Victor Melling:
Why is New Jersey called "The Garden State"?

Gracie Hart:
Because "Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State" wouldn't fit on a license plate?

Gracie Hart:
You think I'm gorgeous... You want to kiss me... You want to hug me... You want to love me... You want to smooch me... You want to hug me.

Stan Fields:
What is the one most important thing our society needs?

Gracie Hart:
That would be... harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan.

Gracie Hart:
And world peace!

Stan Fields:
Isn't she lovely? Thank you, Gracie Lou.

Gracie Hart:
And thank *you*, Stan.

Victor Melling:
That was charming. Are you drunk?

Gracie Hart:
I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go unscrew my smile!

Eric Matthews:
Why don't you shut up.

Gracie Hart:
Why? You're shutting up enough for both of us.

Gracie Hart:
Look I know what I'm gonna do. I haven't done this since high school but it's like riding a bike.

Victor Melling:
You are not having sex on this stage.

Gracie Hart:
I didn't know that was an option.

Victor Melling:
This woman has no talent!

Eric Matthews:
Geez Vic! You don't gotta shout it out in front of her!

Victor Melling:
Your hair should make a statement.

Gracie Hart:
As long as it doesn't say 'Thank you very much for the Country Music Award'!

Victor Melling:
I'm sorry, what was the question? I was distracted by the half-masticated cow rolling around in your wide-open trap.

Gracie Hart:
Yeah, I was dating him for a while because he told me he had an incurable disease...

Gracie Hart:
Yeah, I didn't realize it was stupidity.

Victor Melling:
Glide! Glide! Don't pick your feet up. Don't, don't... Why are you picking your feet up?

Gracie Hart:
Because I'm preparing to run away!

Gracie Hart:
Look, she's gonna cry again.

Gracie Hart:
"Oh, if I only had a brain."

Gracie Hart:
My teeth - What are you going to do with my teeth?

Victor Melling:
Hopefully, remove the beer stains and steak residue.

Cheryl "Rhode Island":
My idea of a perfect date would be a man who takes me to a romantic dinner, and then we walk along the beach barefoot discussing books and - and music and - and movies.

Karen "New York":
No wonder you're still a virgin.

Karen "New York":
I just want to let all the lesbians out there know if I can make the top ten, so can you!

Gracie Hart:
In Hawaii don't they use aloha for hello and goodbye?

Miss Hawaii:
Yeah, so?

Gracie Hart:
so if you're on the phone with somebody and they won't stop talking and you say, ok aloha, don't they just start over again?

Eric Matthews:
This earpiece lets you hear anybody on our frequencies, and they can hear you.

Gracie Hart:
Don't need that, with all this foil in my hair I'm getting HBO.

Kathy Morningside:
Oh, Oh Victor. You'll take the bags to the room. I realize it's been awhile since you've been with us, but you remember how everything goes, don't you?

Victor Melling:
One little mistake and I'm a bloody bellhop!

Miss Hawaii:
Oh I know and it's an honor to have made it this far, I mean especially when you come from such a small state,

Cheryl "Rhode Island":
Oh that's so true. Us Rhode Islanders...

Miss Hawaii:
Umm I wasn't finished. Did it sound like I was finished?

Cheryl "Rhode Island":
I'm sorry. I,

Karen "New York":
Big Deals, what are you apologizing to her for? She's obviously been drinking too much Coppertone.

Gracie Hart:
Good evening, I know the program says I'm supposed to play the water glasses for you, but some of the girls got dehydrated.

Gracie Hart:
Oh good. I guess it's time to go apply at my local Hooters.

Gracie Hart:
What? Hemorrhoid ointment? You really think the judges are going to be looking that closely?

Victor Melling:
It's for the little baggies under your eyes.

Gracie Hart:
Really.

Gracie Hart:
Oh good, hairspray. Something I finally recognize.

Gracie Hart:
What are you doing?

Victor Melling:
It stops the suit from riding up.

Gracie Hart:
Riding up where?

Victor Melling:
Just... up!

Gracie Hart:
That is enough!

Victor Melling:
Why do you make things difficult for me?

Gracie Hart:
Oh yeah. I can see this is an incredibly embarrassing situation for YOU!

Eric Matthews:
Just imagine that she's me and there's something you wanna know but I don't wanna talk about it. What would you do?

Gracie Hart:
You want me to beat it out of her?

Eric Matthews:
Wo wo wo. Wait a minute, what are you doing?

Gracie Hart:
I can't talk girl talk with a guy in my head! I can't even do it with me in my head!

Kathy Morningside:
New Jersey, as you know, there are people who consider the Miss United States Pageant outdated and anti-feminist. What would you say to them?

Gracie Hart:
Well, I would have to say that I used to be one of them. And then I came here and I realized that these women are smart, terrific people who are trying to make a difference in the world. And we've become really good friends. I mean, I know we all secretly hope the other one will trip and fall flat on her face... but oh wait a minute, I've already done that! And for me this experience has been one of the most rewarding and liberating experiences of my life.

Victor Melling:
My god, I did it!

Gracie Hart:
And if anyone, anyone tries to hurt one of my new friends, I would take them out. I would make them suffer so much that they'd wish they were never born. And if they ran, I would hunt them down. Thank you, Kathy.

Victor Melling:
A brief shinning moment and then that mouth!

Kathy Morningside:
You know, you think you saved something tonight, but all you did was to destroy the dream of young women all over this country.

Gracie Hart:
What? You think that their dream is to get blown up?

Eric Matthews:
You gotta admit, part of you is going to miss this.

Gracie Hart:
I know I am going to miss the heels because they do something for my posture. And suddenly very aware and proud of my breasts.

Eric Matthews:
Funny, so am I.

Victor Melling:
I knew I'd never get you here, unless you had the chance to shoot something.

Gracie Hart:
I'm going to get chip faced.

Gracie Hart:
Oh, Vic's gonna kill you. You in big trouble.

Eric Matthews:
You look good wet.

Gracie Hart:
Shut up!

Victor Melling:
If I'd ever had a daughter, I imagine she might have been something like you... which is perhaps why I've never reproduced.

Eric Matthews:
Maybe we could have dinner...

Gracie Hart:
What do you mean? Like a date?

Eric Matthews:
No! Just casual dinner... If we happen to have sex afterwards so be it!

Cheryl "Rhode Island":
Once I stole a pair of red underwear from the department store. My mom wouldn't buy them for me - she said they were Satan's panties!

Victor Melling:
He's with me.

Eric Matthews:
I'm not "with him" with him, you know? It's not like...

Victor Melling:
Come on, Muffin!

Gracie Hart:
The last time I was this naked in public I was coming out of a uterus!

Gracie Hart:
Where am I gonna keep my gun?

Eric Matthews:
Nowhere I wanna know about!

Kathy Morningside:
Twenty-five years of bitching beauty queens and what do I get? Fired! They steal my life. They steal my beauty pageant!

Gracie Hart:
Hey! It is not a beauty pageant. It is a scholarship program.

Kathy Morningside:
Yeah, yeah.

Gracie Hart:
YES!

Eric Matthews:
You also said you couldn't make her beautiful in a few days and look how gorgeous she is. I mean, comparing with the car wreck she was before...

Cheryl "Rhode Island":
In a way America is like a ship and if we work together that's when the ship can get safely home.

Victor Melling:
Terrific answer!... DAMMIT!

Gracie Hart:
There's something I can do for the talent, that I know how to do it since High School.

Victor Melling:
You're not gonna have sex on stage.

Gracie Hart:
I didn't know that was an option alright? All I have to do is call room service.

Gracie Hart:
Oh my gosh, it's the crown!

Victor Melling:
Yes, you can taste it now can't you!

Victor Melling:
You will wear the crown, be the crown! You are the crown!

Gracie Hart:
You ate pizza, you stole panties! You're a wild woman!

Cheryl "Rhode Island":
My parents don't like anything ostentatious. And they really don't like fire.

Frank Tobin:
Mom, you're a genius.

Kathy Morningside:
No, just really pissed off.

Eric Matthews:
Listen to me you old fruitcake!

Victor Melling:
How dare you, you cupcake!

Victor Melling:
The interview is the most important part of the pageant. It counts for 30 percent of your total score.

Gracie Hart:
What's the other 70 percent, cleavage?

Victor Melling:
In place of relationships, you have sarcasm and a gun!

Gracie Hart:
Oh, *I* have sarcasm? When every word that comes out of your mouth is dripping with disdain?

Victor Melling:
Ah! But that is because I am a miserable, grumpy elitist - and that works for me!

Eric Matthews:
Hart, listen to me. I've waited five years to run my own op. You think i'd blow it on the wrong girl?

Gracie Hart:
No no no I know the only reason you picked me was because I was the only one who looked half decent in a bikini and wasn't on maternity leave.

Eric Matthews:
No, that's why they *let* me pick you. You wanna know why i picked you?

Gracie Hart:
Lost a bet?

Eric Matthews:
Because you're smart. You're funny. You're easy to talk to when you're not armed. Look, give yourself a break. Cut Vic and the other pagent ladies some slack cause if they ever get a chance to see what I see then... they're gonna love you.

Gracie Hart:
Sir, that is one really really purple Russian, sir!

Dear Miss Bullock my name is Pattricia Fisch bach.Lackawanna County,Pa. is part of the Poconos.I needed to tell you , a junior high school girl did your SING , from a behind attack, it totally worked and she got home safely. I just had to let you know, your attack tactic saved one more child. I'm not the Mother,but Thank you so much. Your also much more beautiful than Miss Julia Roberts. pfischbach1@outlook.com God Bless You.

Eric:
All right, here are your new IDs. For pageant identity.

Gracie:
Gracie Lou Freebush?

Eric:
Yeah, remember, you like that name.

Gracie:
Yeah, well, my IQ just dropped 10 points.

Vic:
[teaches Gracie how to glide] See? Glide. It's all in the buttocks. Don't I look pretty?

Gracie:
It takes a very secure man to walk like that.

Vic:
Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown.

Gracie:
I would so love to hurt you right now.

Vic:
As long as you smile. Now...why is New Jersey called "The Garden State"?

Gracie:
Because it's too hard to fit "Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State" on a license plate?

Kathy:
You think you saved something tonight, but all you did was to destroy the dream of young women all over this country.

Gracie:
What? You think their dream is to get blown up? Y'know, you got a really good shot at that insanity plea.

Kathy:
(gets in the car) Yeah, well, I earned it, honey! 25 years of bitching beauty queens, and what do I get?! FIRED! They steal my life! They steal my beauty pageant!

Gracie:
Hey! Hey! It is NOT a beauty pageant! It is a scholarship program.

Kathy:
Yeah, yeah.

Gracie:
Yes.

(she shuts the door of the police car, and it drives off with Kathy inside)

Gracie:
Enjoy your running the Miss San Antonio Women's Correctional Facility Pageant. Huh? Huh? (laughs and snorts; to Eric) Get it? The Women's Correctional Facility--?

Gracie Hart:
Hey! I'm GLIDING here!

Victor "Vic" Melling:
There are no words.

Victor "Vic" Melling:
Eyebrows. There should be TWO.