Miss Congeniality

Clonsky:
You know you can't wear a swimsuit on this mission, right, Hart?

Gracie':
[laughs and then punches him in the arm] That's good.

Female officer:
What happened to world peace?

Gracie:
It comes and goes.

McDonald:
This is some of the fan mail we've gotten for you since the pageant. Letters, cards, chocolates.

Gracie:
Well, uh, I'll take the chocolates.

McDonald:
[reading from a letter] "Dear Miss Hart, I saw you on the pageant. The next night I was coming out of a party when this horrible guy grabbed me in the parking lot. So I did your SING self-defense, and he totally backed off. I've gone through some tough times lately, and you have no idea what it means to feel like you can stand up for yourself again. I just wanted to say thank you and you looked beautiful in your e--

Gracie:
Evening gown?

McDonald:
Evening gown.

Gracie:
She liked it?

McDonald:
Lori, Newark.

Gracie:
Sir, you're reading my mail. That's a-- That's a class-B misdemeanor.

McDonald:
Hart, I've been getting five calls a day for you to be on talk shows. The Bureau's had some bad publicity lately and the director thinks you could be the new face of the FBI.

Gracie:
Sir, I'm just a- I'm just a field agent.

McDonald:
Most field agents don't have the president calling them at home to congratulate them.

Gracie:
I still can't believe I hung up on him. I really did think it was Clonsky.

Sam Fuller:
You are about to feel some real pain if you don't back off.

Gracie:
Hey, you know what? Don't talk to me about pain, sister. I invented pain. All right?

Fuller:
No, you didn't just call me sister. Because I don't recall seeing a little, skinny-ass white girl at the table growing up.

Gracie:
Hey! First of all, thank you for calling me skinny. Second of all, what is your problem? And third of all, you better apologize to me or--

Fuller:
make me!

Gracie:
I don't make trash. Come on!

Joel Myers:
I can work with this. You will be my Mona Lisa, my Sistine Chapel. I will find the sculpture in the stone.

Gracie:
Slow down, da Vinci.

Joel:
How do you feel about a pushup bra?

Gracie:
How do you feel about a genital-shocking taser gun?

Joel:
I'm open to it.

Gracie:
Okay.

Joel:
How about you? Are you open to new experiences, like becoming the face of the FBI?

Gracie:
I did the pageant, I can do this.

Joel:
Dear, that was three days. This is your life. That was teaching a dog a few new tricks. This is teaching a dog to become a butterfly. Not that you're a dog. They generally have smoother hair.

...

Joel:
And, may I say, I also recently went through a breakup.

Gracie:
I didn't go through a breakup.

Joel:
Puffy eyes, no sleep, irritable. And some of the other agents told me about it. But believe me, you do as I say, and you will make him regret it, because people care about people who care about themselves.

Gracie:
[flicking through his folder of rules] So it's all in here?

Joel:
No, it's all in here. [taps the side of her head] America wants a star. So you have to become a star. You have to dress like a star, and you have to treat your friends like you're a star. You have to treat yourself like a star. Before you know it--

Gracie:
I know, I know. I'm a big star!

[At a book signing.]

Gracie:
Hey. Your name, please?

Priscilla:
Priscilla.

Gracie:
Priscilla.

Priscilla:
I have to do a book report. And I wanna do it on your book because I wanna be an agent too.

Gracie:
Oh, well, good for you. Thank you, Priscilla. Hi. Your name is?

Angela:
Angela.

Priscilla:
The other kids are doing their reports on Beyonce or Britney, but, if you come to my school and talk, they'd see why being an agent is so cool and stop getting on me.

Gracie:
I would really love to, but as you can see, the agency's got me pretty busy. But, what you could do is just pull your hair up every once in a while. It would really open up your face, because remember, people care about people who care about themselves.

Foreman:
I can't do this.

Gracie:
yes, you can. Remember what Louis Vuitton said, "It's in the bag." You can do this.

Foreman:
Okay.

Fuller:
He can't do this.

Joel:
He's going down like a fat woman on a greased fire pole.

Foreman:
I heard that.

Gracie:
Oh, God, I just don't see why I couldn't be Tina.

Fuller:
You don't see that?

Gracie:
I am the Tina Turner fan.

Gracie:
I got bad news. We want in those dressing rooms, we have to perform.

Fuller:
I am not going out there as a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be Tina Turner. I can't afford therapy on my salary.

Gracie:
Hi. I'm sorry to interrupt, I'm Gracie Hart of the FBI and our information indicated that a Priscilla was doing a book report on me, so I thought I would come by and see if I could be of any assistance.

Priscilla:
Oh, my God.

Gracie:
Hey, Priscilla.

...

Teacher:
Kids! Quiet!

Gracie:
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, put a lid on it, all right or I'm gonna have to rough you guys up a little, okay?

Teacher:
[winces] Miss Hart?

Gracie:
Until you admit that fighting is never the answer. Ever. Because what do we really want? Anyone? Nobody? Nobody knows? [Priscilla raises her hand] Priscilla, what do we want?

Priscilla:
World peace.