Mississippi

Commodore Jackson:
My last encounter with the redskins was over thirty-five years ago. I was a mere stripling.

Skeptical Passenger in pilot house:
Is that so? [skeptically]

Commodore Jackson:
I whipped out my revolver...

Skeptical Passenger in pilot house:
Revolvers weren't invented thirty-five years ago. [sneering]

Commodore Jackson:
Uh... uh... I know that, but the Indians didn't know it. It doesn't matter - I threw it away.

Female passenger:
Oh, how exciting - please don't interrupt.

Commodore Jackson:
I had just swum the rapids. I had my canoe under one arm and a Rocky Mountain goat under the other.

Skeptical Passenger in pilot house:
How could you swim without the use of your arms?

Commodore Jackson:
Uh, uh... in those days I had, uh, I had very strong legs. Uh, excuse me [sheepishly doffs hat to woman] , very strong limbs.

Female passenger:
You must have been full of fire in your youth.

Commodore Jackson:
I had to carry fire insurance until I was over forty. As I arrived at the river bank, I was encountered by the entire tribe of the Shug Indians. The most ferocious... have you ever been to Shug country?

Skeptical Passenger in pilot house:
No, I haven't. [glaring at the Commodore]

Commodore Jackson:
Uh, that's fine. I unsheathed my Bowie knife and [slowly and dramatically] cut a path through this wall of human flesh, dragging my canoe behind me.

Female passenger:
[collapsing] Oh, oh, oh... oh.

Commodore Jackson:
Ah, I'm sorry. Perhaps I've gone too far.

Skeptical Passenger in pilot house:
What, what happened to the goat? [no trace of skepticism]

Commodore Jackson:
He was very good with mustard.

Gambler #1:
Four aces.

Commodore Jackson:
Huh?

Gambler #2:
That's funny... I've got four aces.

Commodore Jackson:
Oh, don't tell me. [starting to worry]

Gambler #1:
[brandishing a pistol] There's only four aces in the deck and the man that holds the first four wins.

Commodore Jackson:
...unsheathing my Bowie knife, I cut a path through this wall of human flesh, dragging my canoe behi [wooden Indian passes by the door whose top half is open, startling him]... [cough]... behind me. Since that time of course, the noble red man and his pale faced friends have smoked the pipe of peace. [another Indian passes by - pause and cringes] Why I wouldn't of more think now of harming a hair on a red man's head than I would sticking a fork in my mother's back. Heh... why, some of my best friends are Indians... Shug Indians.

Commodore Jackson:
Never mind what I told you! You do as I tell you!

Commodore Jackson:
I like women as I like elephants, I like to look at 'em but I wouldn't own one.

Commodore Jackson:
Even a dead fish can float downstream.