Mo

[Mo Mowlam and Adam Ingram arrive at a meeting of the Protestant Orangemen who want to stage a march past a staunchly Catholic housing estate]

Adam Ingram:
Should I try telling them I've got a season ticket to Ibrox?

Mo Mowlam:
Well, at least you're a Prod, Adam, and a bloke. I bet this is the first time there's ever been a fanny in the building.

[as they walk in there is heckling and jeering]

Mo Mowlam:
I take that back - the place is *full* of c*nts.

[Mo Mowlam is chairing a meeting between Martin McGuinness and Gerry Adams of the Sinn Fein / IRA and Senator George Mitchell who will be chairing the Peace Talks. Both sides are trying to score points off each other. Mo defuses the situation by taking off her wig]

Mo Mowlam:
Sometimes aren't there just times when all you want is a bloody good scratch.

Martin McGuinness:
I suppose so.

Mo Mowlam:
I tell you what, boys. Let's start this meeting again. Only this time, no c*cks on the table.

[after the meeting]

Mo Mowlam:
How did I do, George?

Senator George Mitchell:
I have to say you have the most unorthodox negotiating technique I've ever seen in my life. My answer is: "brilliantly". I think we're in business.

[Mo Mowlam is meeting Loyalist Protestant prisoners in the Maze Prison after Republican IRA Catholic prisoners broke into a Loyalist wing and shot one of their friends dead]

Mo Mowlam:
The Irish Republic will renounce all territorial claim on Northern Ireland which will remain part of the UK for as long as the majority here want it to. But everyone will have to make *painful* compromises. People will have to share power with sworn enemies. And perhaps see men back out on the streets who may have killed their friends and family. It'll be very very painful. But the prize is peace - for generations to come. I think you're big enough to grasp it.

[Mo Mowlam has just been on the phone to Reverend Ian Paisley]

Mo Mowlam:
Paisley says there are terrorists and at least one homosexual in the building.

Adam Ingram:
Well we'd better get Security onto that one. Is he sure there's only *one*?

[they laugh]

[Tony Blair is giving a speech and is thanking all the people who played a part in the Peace Talks. When he mentions Mo Mowlam's name, the audience get to their feet and cheer]

Tony Blair:
I think I can say without fear of contradiction that's the first time there's been a standing ovation in the *middle* of a speech. And the person getting the ovation isn't even the person making the speech.

[as Mo Mowlam comes out of the Commons, Peter Mandelson is waiting for her]

Mo Mowlam:
What are you doing here?

Peter Mandelson:
Observing the Northern Ireland debate.

Mo Mowlam:
What the f*** for?

Peter Mandelson:
I have a long-standing interest in Northern Irish affairs. My grandfather, as you know, was a very distinguished Unionist.

Mo Mowlam:
*F**** your grandfather. You're after my job - aren't you?

Peter Mandelson:
Of course not. Though a cabinet reshuffle is on the cards and in politics one must never rule anything out.

Mo Mowlam:
Don't lie. Smarming round Trimble. Probably telling Tony to sack me too, you devious c*nt.

Peter Mandelson:
Is this really the demeanour one would expect of a minister of the crown?

Mo Mowlam:
You won't *f***ing* win!

Peter Mandelson:
If you carry on like this, people are going to ask if there's something wrong with you.

Mo Mowlam:
[angrily] If you want a friend in politics, buy a f***ing dog!