Moesha

Myles:
Dorian, you can keep begging until Lil' Kim comes out with a gospel album. It ain't gonna happen.

Hakeem:
Niecy, your village called, and they miss their idiot.

[recurring line throughout the series, usually scaring everyone after being said]

Hakeem:
Boom!

Niecy:
I'm watching my figure.

Myles:
Then maybe you can tell the rest of us where to look for it.

Moesha:
You know I can dance like Janet.

Niecy:
Yup - Reno.

Moesha:
Niecy, which Tae-Bo tape is this?

Niecy:
Oh, girl, those tapes are too expensive. This is Tae-Po.

Moesha Mitchell:
You don't understand, sir. I'm supposed to be in there.

Tyrone:
No. *You* Don't understand, I'm suppose to keep you out here.

Moesha Mitchell:
Okay, I'll bring you a plate.

Tyrone:
I'm on a diet.

Moesha Mitchell:
I'll *sneak* you a plate!

Moesha Mitchell:
Come on, I'm the K-Vibe contest winner. Remember I was on the radio with P.J. and he gave me the tickets because my boyfriend was acting like he didn't wanna be with me...

Tyrone:
And I know *why*.

Moesha Mitchell:
Boy, just tell P.J. Carol was here. [P.J. Butter walks by]

P.J. Butter:
Hey, Carol.

Moesha Mitchell:
P.J.?

P.J. Butter:
Like Butter, Baby. [Mo takes a picture] Come on, We gotta go. We're waiting for you.

Moesha Mitchell:
Well, what about my friends?

P.J. Butter:
Alright, they can come in. MTV's waiting, we gotta go now.

Moesha Mitchell:
See, I told you.

Tyrone:
Just don't forget my plate!

Kim:
[trying to get inside concert with Niecy] Ey yo, ain't you know we Salt 'n Pepa?

Security Guard #2:
Look more like Ren and Stimpy.

Niecy:
Mo, we have looked everywhere: the arcade, the Magic Johnson theater, Mickey D's playland, the swap meet...

Kim:
Yeah, and I got 10 scrunchies for a dollar!

Moesha:
Kim, my brother is missing and you're shopping?

Kim:
Well, if we can't find him we can use them as armbands.

Cop:
Calm down.

Frank Mitchell:
Don't you tell me to calm down, I pay *your* salary!

Cop:
Then I need a raise.

Andell Wilkerson:
Baby? After all the free advice I been slinging around here?

Moesha:
Not me, Andell, my parents.

Andell Wilkerson:
Whew, girl, I thought I was gonna have to regulate.

Andell Wilkerson:
I think you need to reconsider that decision.

Moesha:
Why? Me and The Den Think Tank have already discussed it.

Kim:
Yeah, we done already moved to the refreshment part of this agenda.

Dee Mitchell:
I'm not getting any younger, your father and I are very much in love and we want to have a baby.

Moesha:
But you already got us.

Dee Mitchell:
And you're such a joy we want one more.

Kimberly Ann Parker:
[Everyone is showing passport photos] Dag, Q. They takin' colour pictures at the Central Booking now?

Moesha Mitchell:
[snatches Q's passport] Leave my baby alone.

Quinton 'Q' Brooks:
Yeah, Let's see *your* passport picture.

Hakeem Campbell:
Yeah, Yeah. Let's see it.

Moesha Mitchell, Quinton 'Q' Brooks, Hakeem Campbell:
[Kim shows passport and looks away] Dang!

Quinton 'Q' Brooks:
What, you're tryin' to scare your way in the country?

Kimberly Ann Parker:
Oh, Like you ain't had a bad hair day!

Quinton 'Q' Brooks:
[takes off Bandana to reveal his bald head] Not Lately!

Myles:
[Frank has spent $75,000 on the dealership] Looks like it's back to picking lemons.

Moesha:
Lemons? You better make that cotton.

Frank Mitchell:
You see, we got into a bidding war for the dealership.

Dee Mitchell:
Are we talking desert storm or Star Wars?

Hakeem Campbell:
I felt like somebody was just watchin' me all night or something.

Moesha Mitchell:
Could have been that Coolio poster in your room.

Kimberly Ann Parker:
[Sifts through Hakeem's trash] You can tell a lot about a brother by going through his trash.

Moesha Mitchell:
And even more about the sister who goes through it!

Niecy:
But also take the pill as backup to the condom.

Kim:
The pill and the condom. Ain't you gonna overdose.

Moesha:
Kim, I am not going to answer all these personal questions. What does this have to do with birth control?

Kim:
[after seeing the question] Ooh. This is some kind of freaky clinic.

Moesha:
Whatever, I can get birth control at the drug store.

Kim:
Right.

[pregnant street woman walks by]

Kim:
Ooo, I hope you not goin' to the drug store she went to.

Aaron:
Come on, Mo, I never said I was a virgin.

Moesha:
No, but I didn't know you were a ho!

Myles Mitchell:
So, Mo. What'd you do on your first day of "Freedom?"

Moesha Mitchell:
Not that it's any of your busines, but, I hung out at the mall, stopped by the Den and got a tattoo.

Myles Mitchell:
[gleefully awaiting Moesha to get into trouble] Yes! It's Regulatin' time!

Dee Mitchell:
If you don't sit down and finish your dinner, I'm gonna regulate *you*!

Niecy Jackson:
[after a customer flees the tattoo parlour] Dang, y'all... If the White People runnin' you *know* it's time for us to go!

J.W.:
[During a self-defence session at the Den; J.W. pretends to be an armed robber] This is a hold-up! Give me all your money!

Kimberly Ann Parker:
[points to Andell] This is the Den, she doesn't have *any*!

J.W.:
Alright! Against the wall!

Myles Mitchell:
He doesn't have a gun; Let's get him!

[All the women and Myles attack J.W]

Dee Mitchell:
[hitting him with cushion] You have not had enough until we *say* you have had enough!

[she stops and Myles unsmasks him]

Kimberly Ann Parker, Myles Mitchell, Dee Mitchell, Moesha Mitchell, Andell Wilkerson, Niecy Jackson:
JW!

J.W.:
See, I told y'all you was gonna forget all that Self-defence mess! Y'all went straight up Street!

Moesha Mitchell:
And you got straight up *beat*!

Kimberly Ann Parker:
[after Mo calls for her to leave] Girl, I can't miss my commercial!

Moesha Mitchell:
But you're not even in the commercial.

Kimberly Ann Parker:
Oh, yes I am; I cast my shadow during one of the scenes and I wanna see if I made the cut!

Andell Wilkerson:
So We gonna have two more weeks of Winter?

Moesha Mitchell:
[Miles comes in after being beaten up] Miles!

Hakeem Campbell:
Ooh, Somebody bombed on him!

Dee Mitchell:
What Happened?

Myles Mitchell:
[bloodied and beat] It's Nothing; I just got into a little fight.

Hakeem Campbell:
Did you win?

Frank Mitchell:
Oh, Hakeem! Of course He did!

Dee Mitchell:
What Happened?

Myles Mitchell:
Some kids on the playground kept saying I thought I was all that, Just because I was in a commercial.

Dee Mitchell:
Oh...

Myles Mitchell:
But I went Steven Seagal on them.

Andell Wilkerson:
Mmm... And somebody went Jackie Chan on *you*.

Frank Mitchell:
Oh look, Miles got some mail. [chuckles then looks]

Dee Mitchell:
Frank, you're invading his privacy.

Frank Mitchell:
Dee, It's a window envelope; They *want* you to look!

Frank Mitchell:
[after Moesha runs away] Niecy, is she at your house?

Niecy Jackson:
Mr. Mitchell, I have six brothers and sisters, and a cousin on a futon. No-one runs away to my house.

Myles Mitchell:
[During Frank and Moesha's credit card conversation] Hey, Dad I got the belt, you ready to regulate?

Quinton 'Q' Brooks:
[Moesha arrives to pick up Q for the party] Hit the back, Homes.

Kimberly Ann Parker:
[flirtatuously] Yeah, Keemy.

Hakeem Campbell:
[gets out of the car] Yeah, I'm cool. I'll just walk to the party.

Quinton 'Q' Brooks:
All the way to Beverley Hills?

Hakeem Campbell:
To *China*, If I have to.

Quinton 'Q' Brooks:
With *those* Brand new Sneakers? You'll be barefoot by the time you hit Figueroa and butt-naked by the time you hit Western!

Hakeem Campbell:
[Conceeds irritatedly] Scoot over, Kim. And Don't try nothin'!

Kimberly Ann Parker:
Oh, I'm not gonna try nothin', I'm gonna try *somethin'*!

Moesha Mitchell:
[about Mary Ellen] Is this girl for real?

Haley Dillard:
Parts of Her are.

Quinton "Q" Brooks:
You think you can have your cake and eat it too?

Moesha:
Hello! That's what you do with cake. You eat it.

Hakeem Campbell:
[Hakeem walks in with his laundry] Hey, Mo. I need to wash my clothes

Moesha Mitchell:
But Hakeem, Why don't you take 'em down to the river and beat 'em on the rocks like you always do?

Hakeem Campbell:
Come on, I mean I've worn everything I own five times. See. [thrusts laundry bag at her] Smell?

Moesha Mitchell:
Dang, Hakeem. You shouldn't put that in my face, man. Go ahead; Make sure you put some bleach, deodorant *and* a grenade up in that mug!

Moesha Mitchell:
Hakeem, you were supposed to wear your suit. You are *not* gonna get a job looking like that. You look like a Gangsta Urkel!

Moesha:
Listen to this resume I wrote for Hakeem.

Kim:
Okay.

Moesha:
Hakeem Campbell: Crenshaw High honor student.

Kim:
Honor student? Maybe *Honorary*!

Dee Mitchell:
[after Dee finds out Moesha gave Hakeem Frank's new suit to wear to his interview and begins complaining in a Jamaican accent] Look at it, Just look at it! Look at that stain! Lord, I'll never get it out! Take it off, man, Take it off! [strips the jacket from Hakeem] Take it *off!*

Frank Mitchell:
Now you got her island up.

Kim:
You know, why are you always playing so hard-to-get?

Hakeem:
I'm not playing!

Andell Wilkerson:
Come on, y'all this is supposed to be a party. You should be dancing. Hey Niecy, I think that Cyclops has his eye on you. [Guy in Cyclops costume looks at Niecy]

Niecy Jackson:
He got his eye on everybody!

Kim:
Y'all are dysfun... Y'all are dysfun... Y'all can't get along.

Niecy:
Hola, muchacho.

Antonio:
Oh, and Happy Kwanzaa, sista girl!

Clark:
[after Clark causes an accident off-screen] It wasn't my fault, a bee flew into the car and I'm allergic to bees. I could have died if I had been stung!

Frank Mitchell:
So you slapped the driver upside the head and almost killed all three of us?

Clark:
Four, counting the bee!

Quinton "Q" Brooks:
[about Channing] That brotha's a teacher? Dang, who's head of the English department? Foxy Brown?

Hakeem:
You should've seen it - Ms. Parker set old Fullmore straight.

Niecy:
Ms. Parker, can you come to my trig class? Mr. Johnson is getting out of hand.

Nikki Parker:
I don't care if he runs amok - Nikki don't do trig.

[Moesha has missed a surprise party for Andell at the Mitchell home]

Kim:
What happened, Mo, did you forget where you live?

Kim:
[handing out free samples] Chicken, get yo' chicken here. Chicken. Free chicken. Half off the free chicken!

Moesha:
He is too young. You can still smell the milk on his breath.

Kim:
I don't care if it's Similac, baby is fine.

Sara:
[gathering pennies] Andell, if we split a Cherry Soda, can we still get the free refills?

Andell Wilkerson:
No, Broke-ahontas.

Myles:
I want to get a job.

Moesha:
Now Myles, you know the circus is *not* in town.

Hakeem Campbell:
Mo, Why would you get cable for a 9-inch TV?

Niecy Jackson:
Yeah, Mo. I mean, getting cable for this TV is like buying glasses for a boy with no ears; He can see but it's not easy.

Moesha Mitchell:
[after her finances spiral out of control] Man, I should have known better than to ask the accounting firm of poor [looks at Kim] , broke [glances at Niecy] and Hungry [looks at Hakeem] for money!

Niecy Jackson:
Then let that be a lesson to you.

Kim:
[after she tells them about not getting the Brandy Tickets] But don't worry guys. I have an idea.

Niecy:
Yeah and I have an idea too. Kill Kim.

Moesha:
I don't look like Brandy! I'm cuter than her.

Hakeem:
I'm going to ask Jennifer Lopez on a date.

Moesha:
Oh, so you just beggin' to get tackled by security, huh?

Hakeem:
When she sees me, she'll take care of security.

Moesha:
Yup, I can hear her now - "Get him!"

Hostess:
[Moesha opens door] Moesha Mitchell

Moesha:
Yes?

Hostess:
Hi Melanie [unknown last name] MTV!

Moesha:
OH MY GOD, MTV!

Frank Mitchell:
Baby who is it.

Moesha:
Oh my god, Dad! MTV, MTV!

Hostess:
So are you ready to do this.

Moesha:
Yes! Do what?

Hostess:
Well, you did get my message?

Moesha:
Myles

Myles:
What? She did'nt say she was from MTV. She said Music Television.

Hostess:
Ok, no time for symantics. Look, I produce for the show fanatic. Are you ready to take your best friend Kimberly Parker to meet Leeann Rimes.

Moesha:
Oh My God. You read my letter. I sent that months ago.

Hostess:
Yeah, honey, we really gotta go.

Dee Mitchell:
Well hold on now. It is a school day.

Hostess:
Excuse Me. This is television.

Frank Mitchell:
Well Dee,it's ok if she misses one day. It's Fanatic. It's MTV. I love the show. I watch it all the time.

Hostess:
That's Great. Ok, Moesha. I realize that its early, ok. I'm just gonna need you to muster up some hurrah. I need you to look into that camera, take us out to the Limo and tell us how tickled pink your friend Kim is going to be to meet Leeann Rimes.

Moesha:
I'm sorry, I cant. Were not best friends.

Hostess:
Well thats fine honey. I just need you to be enthusiastic.

Moesha:
No, were not friends... at all.

Hostess:
I don't care... at all. I just need you to act like it.

Dee Mitchell:
Moesha. Just think why you wrote the letter. Whatever motvated you to write the letter is what your gonna have to use.

Hostess:
Oh, that was so beautiful. Did you guys get that.

Melanie Trottman:
There's your camera. And in 5-4-3-2-you're on.

Moesha:
[In a fast pitch] Ohmygod! My best friend Kim is gonna meet LeAnn Rimes. Ohmygod, she's gonna be so excited! She's gonna die! Ohmygod, she loves LeAnn. I don't know what else to say honey it that all you wanted?

Melanie Trottman:
Fine, thats all I need, let's go find Kim

Moesha:
Kim, ohmygod. You're gonna meet your favorite singer LeAnn Rimes.

Andell Wilkerson, Niecy:
The country singer?

Melanie Trottman:
[Breaks up Kim and Moesha's Fight] Alright, Alright Cut! Look! Ladies! I ran out of my Prozac, two days ago. And I have 22 shows to produce in 23 days and it is day 10. I do not need this. Now, you will act like you like each other. You will skip out of here arm and arm. And you will scream LeAnn's name as if shouting Jesus on a Sunday Morning.

Moesha:
Kim guess what.

Kim:
What!

Moesha:
Youre gonna meet LeAnn Rimes!

Kim:
[shouts] LeAnn Rimes!

Moesha:
Yes! Yes! Yes!

Kim:
Oh Yeah!

Moesha:
Woo Hoo!

Moesha:
[telling Hakeem about her dislike of Dee] I'm the one who's been taking care of everyone around here for the past three years. Cookin', cleanin', raisin' that knucklehead Myles. Shoot, I dang near raised you!

Kim:
Who is baby?

Moesha:
That's just Hakeem!

Kim:
Hakeem? Well, the brotha must've stepped into a phone booth or *somethin'*.

[about Kim's weight]

Kim:
It's just baby fat.

Taylor:
No, it's just fat, baby.

Dee Mitchell:
Myles, you better get a move on if you want a ride to school.

Moesha:
Oh, I'll walk him.

Myles:
"Walk me"? Do I look like a dog to you?

Kim:
So what does Ohagi mean? Young Black God?

Ohagi:
It means Conquering Warrior.

Kim:
Ooh, I surrender.

Kim:
Excuse me, Madame Fifi! But you blocking my view of Chocolate Thunder!

Taylor:
It looks to me like you've had enough chocolate.

Kim:
[Moesha shows up at The Den after being grounded] What's up, Shawshank? I thought you were doing five to ten.

Kim:
[shouts] Hello, Myles. How are you doing?

Niecy:
Kim, you don't have to shout. He's not deaf. He's just a little touched.

Hakeem:
He's not touched! He just likes to get high.

Moesha:
The Mitchells are your typical middle-class family. Lots of laughs, lots of hugs, lots of love.

Dr. Woods:
Lots of drama.

Moesha:
My name is Moesha Mitchell.

Morris Day:
Oh, Lawd, another "Esha" baby.

Morris Day:
[about CPQ sampling his song] You can't snip it, clip it, or flip it.

Morris Day:
No sampling, period.

Moesha:
But, Morris...

Morris Day:
I said period, not comma.

Coach Vines:
[Coach Vines breaks up the party in the girls' dorm] Alright, Disney Land is closed! Everybody, Out!

Kimberly Ann Parker:
But Mrs. Smith was just up here and she didn't say anything!

Coach Vines:
Please! Mrs Smith still thinks this is a *white* school!

Hakeem Campbell:
[after the Turkey is burnt] Happy Thanksgiving, Butterballs! Ooh, Blackened Turkey! My favorite. [Tries to taste some but Myles stops him]

Dee:
Hey, Miles. Got any special requests for the thanksgiving day menu?

Myles:
I'm not into holidays that tricked an entire race of people off their land.

Dee:
Who told you that?

Myles:
My reading teacher, Brother Ahmed.

Moesha:
You know, Brother Ahmed has a point. No truly conscious people celebrate Thanksgiving

Myles:
Yeah, I don't want anything to do with it.

Frank:
No, No, No. Wait just a minute...

Dee:
You know, Myles. It seems to me if a person is concious enough not celebrate Thanksgiving, then they couldn't *possibly* be tricked into the commercial trappings of Christmas.

Myles:
What's a commercial trapping?

Dee:
[smiles] A Bike.

Myles:
We're having Mac and Cheese, right?

Niecy:
[Coach Vines has sent the Basketball team home following their loss] Well, let's look on the bright side; The team that won are still here! And the Room *is* paid for. So it's time to What? Party!

[dances]

Moesha:
Uh, Niecy?

Niecy:
Yeah?

Moesha:
I don't know if you've noticed but we're in *Flagstaff*, A town named after a *pole*.

Jerome:
Something tells me the next time she sees you, she's gonna kill you!

Moesha:
Why do you say that?

Jerome:
Because she told me, the next time she sees you, she's gonna kill you!

Uncle Bernie:
Whoa, Sorry brother. Gonna have to pat you down.

Baggy Pants:
For what? You ain't no cop.

Uncle Bernie:
Nope, [produces baseball bat] *Batman*! [pats him down]

Quinton "Q" Brooks:
[During a recording session] Shorty, you're makin' Hakeem nervous

Moesha:
The only thing that makes Hakeem nervous is a closed sign on a KFC door!

Dee Mitchell:
[Seeing Moesha's makeup] Oh, Oh no... Honey, I've seen *clowns* with less makeup on than this! Who did this to you? [Kim points to Niecy]

Niecy Jackson:
I did. [Dee removes the makeup] Well, If y'all need me, I'll be under the Big Top!

Kim:
I wanna get my knowledge on, you know, like that commercial say, "A mind is a terrible thing."

Niecy:
[Moesha and Hakeem stare at her] To *waste*, Kim. To Waste.

Hakeem:
What's up, Jetsons!

Frank Mitchell:
Jetsons?

Hakeem:
Yeah, you and George got the same haircut.

Hakeem:
Mo, Look; I *cannot* let you go out like this. Just tell Dee that Ohagi threw the party at *my* house.

Ohagi:
Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! Let's not put on our stupid caps now.

Moesha Mitchell:
Why? You seem to like *yours*!

Hakeem:
[On the door at his house for the ditch party] Did you want our "Back To School" special?

The Student:
[excitedly] Yeah, What's that?

Hakeem:
Take your cheap butt back to school!

Dee Mitchell:
The Vice Principal, Like, Like all teachers is responsible for the welfare and safety of all students during school hours. Now what if something bad had happened during that ditch party?

Moesha Mitchell:
Oh nothing bad happened. Except when they played that Hammer-Vanilla Ice remix!

Dorian Long:
All right, lil' man, Frisky is gonna need a walk before I get back.

Myles:
Where are you going?

Dorian Long:
To a Hallowe'en party.

Myles:
Well, you better go as a kangaroo and put that dog in your pouch, 'cuz I ain't the one.

Moesha:
Aren't you having a good time?

David:
Yeah, but if we go to my house, we can have a GREAT time. Know what I'm sayin'?

Moesha:
[puzzled look] No.

David:
I'm talkin' about gratitude, girl! Shoot, I paid twenty dollars for those tickets!

Moesha:
[jaw drops]

David:
Hey, don't act like you never been on a date before!

Moesha:
David, what happened? I thought you were nice.

David:
Why have nice... when you can have NASTY? I'm good, baby. Check my references. Pick up the phone, dial randomly, and if a woman answers the phone, ask her about me.

Moesha:
David, you handled him really well! Have you ever thought about doing stand-up?

David:
I AM standing up.

[about school newspaper]

Kim:
Well actually, I kinda like what Taylor did for the fashion section. She put my picture on the front page.

Niecy:
Yeah, as a "fashion don't".

Kim:
Girl, nobody actually *reads* the paper.

Moesha Mitchell:
[the Mitchells are arguing about how to get rid of Andell who has overstayed her welcome and Moesha comes home] You guys are gonna disturb Andell!

Dee Mitchell:
Andell is *already* disturbed!

Moesha:
Excuse me, but I'm just trying to run The Den like a real business.

Q:
A real business has customers!

Quinton 'Q' Brooks:
[Niecy joins Hakeem, Kim and Q as a dancer for their group] Niecy, the name of the group is CPQ.

Hakeem Campbell:
Yeah, That's Campbell...

Kimberly Ann Parker:
Parker...

Quinton 'Q' Brooks:
and Q! There's no Niecy.

Hakeem Campbell:
Yeah, Yeah, You pull another stunt like that and you'll be back home dancin' in front of your mirror!

Niecy Jackson:
[Turns on Hakeem] I don't appreciate you peepin' in my window!

Frank Mitchell:
[Falling out after losing at Golf] If Coach Vines says to jump off a cliff, will you do it?

Dee Mitchell:
Yes! If I knew I was gonna land on *you*!

“Some days I just don’t like my body especially butt I mean Yesterday it seemed fine but toots enormous ahhhhh”

*like white on rice baby*