Mommie Dearest

Joan Crawford:
Tear down that B*TCH of a bearing wall and put a window where it OUGHT to be.

Joan Crawford:
Don't f*** with me fellas. This ain't my first time at the rodeo.

Joan Crawford:
Well, something good had to rub off.

Christina:
There's a liquor store to the right.

Joan Crawford:
I should've know you'd know where to find the boys and the booze.

Joan Crawford:
Why can't you give me the respect that I'm entitled to? Why can't you treat me like I would be treated by any stranger on the street?

Christina:
Because I am NOT one of your fans.

Joan Crawford:
No... wire... hangers. What's wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you: no wire hangers EVER? I work and work 'till I'm half-dead, and I hear people saying, "She's getting old." And what do I get? A daughter... who cares as much about the beautiful dresses I give her... as she cares about me. What's wire hangers doing in this closet? Answer me. I buy you beautiful dresses, and you treat them like they were some dishrag. You do. Three hundred dollar dress on a wire hanger. We'll see how many you've got if they're hidden somewhere. We'll see... we'll see. Get out of that bed. All of this is coming out. Out. Out. Out. Out. Out. Out. You've got any more? We're gonna see how many wire hangers you've got in your closet. Wire hangers, why? Why? Christina, get out of that bed. Get out of that bed. You live in the most beautiful house in Brentwood and you don't care if your clothes are stretched out from wire hangers. And your room looks like some two-dollar-a-week furnished room in some two-bit back street town in Okalahoma. Get up. Get up. Clean up this mess.

Joan Crawford:
Did you scrub the bathroom floor today? DID YOU?

Christina Crawford:
Yes, Mommie.

Joan Crawford:
Yes, Mommie what?

Christina Crawford:
Yes, Mommie Dearest.

Joan Crawford:
When I told you to call me that, I wanted you to mean it.

Christina Crawford:
Jesus Christ.

Joan Crawford:
I'd rather you go bald to school than looking like a tramp.

Joan Crawford:
The biggest female star he's got... ever had... and he's burying me alive. Survive. Survive.

Joan Crawford:
TINA. Bring me the axe.

Joan Crawford:
The sword cuts both ways

Joan Crawford:
Christina. Christopher. Damn it.

Joan Crawford:
You know what's missing in my life?

Greg Savitt:
A hit movie.

Christina Crawford:
It's not fair. You're bigger than I am. It's not fair to win twice.

Joan Crawford:
Ah, but nobody ever said life was fair, Tina. I'm bigger and I'm faster. I will always beat you.

Joan Crawford:
Oh, you lost again.

Christina Crawford:
It's not fair. You're bigger than I am, it's not fair to win twice.

Joan Crawford:
AH, but nobody ever said life was fair, Tina. I'm bigger and I'm faster. I will always beat you.

Christina Crawford:
Then I'm not gonna play with you any more. EVER.

Joan Crawford:
Don't you EVER use that tone of voice with me, missy. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO? I'll tell you what you're gonna do, you're gonna MARCH yourself UPSTAIRS to your room and you will STAY THERE until I tell you to come out.

Christina Crawford:
No I won't.

Joan Crawford:
No you won't? Yes... you... WILL.

Joan Crawford:
You will go up...

Christina Crawford:
I WON'T GO.

Joan Crawford:
ALL RIGHT, all right. You will stay in here until you are ready to behave...

Christina Crawford:
I WON'T. NO I WON'T. I WON'T.

Joan Crawford:
...AND TO APOLOGIZE.

Christina Crawford:
I won't.

Joan Crawford:
Get IN.

Christina Crawford:
AAAAAHHHHH, MOMMIE.

Joan Crawford:
Why must EVERYTHING be a CONTEST?

Greg Savitt:
Get up. There's no camera in here.

Greg Savitt:
If you are acting you are wasting your time, if you are not you are wasting mine.

Pepsi Chairman:
Apparently the Board has failed to realize the extent of your interest in the company, apart from Al's position. We... misjudged. We shall be... pleased... to have you stay on.

Joan Crawford:
Thank you, gentlemen. Now let's get to work...

Carol Ann:
Your mother's been practicing and practicing. You know how perfect she always wants to be. Well this time, she must be perfect. Do you understand?

Christina Crawford:
She wants everything to be perfect.

Joan Crawford:
Ohhhh... Helga. When you polish the floor, you have the move the tree. If you can't do something right, don't do it at all.

Helga:
I'm sorry, Miss Crawford...

Joan Crawford:
Gimmie the soap. You see, Carol Ann, you've got to stay on top of things every single minute.

Joan Crawford:
Carol Ann, will you get that?

Carol Ann:
Yes, Miss Crawford.

Joan Crawford:
Helga, I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the dirt.

Joan Crawford:
You drove Al Steele to his grave, and now you're trying to stab me in the back? Forget it. I fought worse monsters than you for years in Hollywood. I know how to win the hard way.

Joan Crawford:
SCRUB, Christina. SCRUB.

Joan Crawford:
Look at this floor. Do you call that clean? Do you?

Christina Crawford:
Miss Jenkins said it was clean.

Joan Crawford:
Miss Jenkins said it was clean? Do YOU think it's clean? Do YOU think it's clean? Look at that, DO you?

Christina Crawford:
Yes, I do.

Joan Crawford:
You are a lousy substitute for someone who really cares.

Joan Crawford:
Times are tough; still I treat you to a lovely evening, and I get smart-alek BACKTALK.

Vera:
Swell. This is really swell.

Tony:
Vera...

Vera:
I'm going to tell. Oh, I am, I am going to TELL.

Joan Crawford:
Bill... could you... could you CALL...

Bill (Actor In Soap):
You want me to call Cindy for you?

Joan Crawford:
Yes. You know, she, uh... she wants to...

Bill (Actor In Soap):
I know that she wants to have an affair with Robert. But, are you sure his divorce is final?

Joan Crawford:
If his DIVORCE is final?

Christina Crawford:
I came in and I found her like this. You think she needs an ambulance?

Carol Ann:
She doesn't need an ambulance. She's drunk.

Joan Crawford:
You know, a few minutes ago a reporter asked me what I thought and how I would describe the marriage between the soft drink King and the Queen of Hollywood. I told him I thought it was a hell of a match.

Alfred Steele:
That's my Pally.

Joan Crawford:
Oh, "Pally". That's what he calls ya when he can't remember your name.

Alfred Steele:
Don't let her kid you, I remember her name. It's Mrs. Alfred Steele. Right, Pally?

Joan Crawford:
Right.

Christina:
Don't you act for me. I wanna know: why did you adopt me?

Christina:
How are you, Miss Bennett?

Barbara Bennett:
Gad, call me Barbara. They're teaching you some fancy manners at Chadwick.

Joan Crawford:
That's not ALL they've been teaching her.

Alfred Steele:
Joan, you've got to understand it's a public company, for Chrissakes. This isn't Hollywood where someone takes care of things with a phone call, this is the REAL world.

Joan Crawford:
I told you! No wire hangers, ever!

You're just the grease on the axle that makes the slime of the world rotate!!

Young Christina:
[Entering Joan's bedroom after seeing her dolls are missing] My babies! Someone stole both my babies!

Joan Crawford:
That's good, darling. They were thoughtless, selfish, spoiled children - now they won't wake you up when you need your rest.

[Joan has just easily beaten Christina in a pool race]

Joan Crawford:
Oh, you lost again.

Young Christina:
It's not fair. You're bigger than I am, it's not fair to win twice.

Joan Crawford:
AH, but nobody ever said life was fair, Tina. I'm bigger and I'm faster. I will always beat you.

Young Christina:
Then I'm not gonna play with you anymore. EVER!

Joan Crawford:
Don't you EVER use that tone of voice with me, missy. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO?! I'll tell you what you're gonna do, you're gonna MARCH yourself UPSTAIRS to your room and you will STAY THERE until I tell you to come out.

Young Christina:
No I won't.

Joan Crawford:
No you won't? Yes... you... WILL! [slaps Christina's butt two times]

Young Christina:
OW! OW! I won't go!

Joan Crawford:
All right, all right! [drags Christina to the door of the pool house despite the girl's protests] You will stay in here until you are ready to behave, (Christina says “I WON’T GO!”.) and... and to APOLOGIZE! (Christina says “NO, I WON’T!”.) IN! [shoves Christina into the pool house and shuts the door]

Young Christina:
[sobbing, inside the pool house] AAAAAAH, MOMMIE!

[Young Christina has a bloody piece of steak on her lunch plate]

Joan Crawford:
Christina, you haven't touched your lunch.

Young Christina:
It's raw.

Joan Crawford:
It's rare, not raw.

Young Christina:
But it's got all this red juice when you push on it.

Joan Crawford:
Then don't push on it. Darling, rare meat is good for you. The doctor said so. Christina, meat loses its vitamins if it's overcooked.

Young Christina:
But I've had my vitamins this morning. Pills.

Joan Crawford:
[to Carol-Ann] She negotiates everything like a goddamn Hollywood agent. Christina, eat your lunch. You are not getting up from this table until you have finished that meat.

Joan Crawford:
Why do you deliberately defy me?

Christina:
Why did you tell her I got expelled?!

Joan Crawford:
Because you did get expelled.

Christina:
That... is a lie.

Joan Crawford:
[smacking Christina hard across the face twice] You love it, don't you? YOU LOVE TO MAKE ME HIT YOU!

Barbara:
Joan!

Joan:
Barbara, PLEASE! PLEASE, Barbara. Leave us alone, Barbara. If you need anything, ask Carol Ann. [laughs bitterly] This is wonderful. THIS IS WONDERFUL. YOU - You deliberately embarrassed me in front of a REPORTER. A REPORTER. I told you how important this was to me, I TOLD YOU.

Young Christina:
[in Joan's room, looking into the mirror, imitating her mother] Oh yes, it was thrilling. So grateful to you all, my wonderful fans, who made me a star. Oh yes, it was thrilling. So grateful to you all, my wonderful fans, who made ME a STAR. [notices her mother standing behind her] ...Mommie!

Joan Crawford:
What do you think you're doing?

Young Christina:
Nothing. I'm just... I'm just... playing.

Joan Crawford:
What do you mean, "playing"? Are you going through my things? Making fun of me?

Young Christina:
I wasn't making fun of you. I was just trying to... I was acting, play-acting, like you're always doing.

Joan Crawford:
Look at yourself. [takes a metal hair accessory out of Christina's hair and throws it on the table angrily, and then grabs a hairbrush and begins to frantically try to brush the product out of Christina's hair.

[Having failed to brush the setting lotion out of Christina's hair, Joan begins to cut off all of Christina's hair]

Christina Crawford:
[crying] Oh, Mommie, I look awful!

Joan Crawford:
I know you look awful! YOU BE QUIET! YOU'RE ALWAYS RUMMAGING THROUGH MY DRAWERS, TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO MAKE PEOPLE LOOK AT YOU! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS LOOKING AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? TELL ME! You sit still now! This'll teach you! You're vain, spoiled!

Young Christina:
[sobbing] Mommie, I can't go to school like this!

Joan Crawford:
I'D RATHER YOU GO BALD TO SCHOOL THAN LOOKING LIKE A TRAMP!

Young Christina:
No, Mommie, please don't! Mommie, I can't go to school like this...

Joan Crawford:
You spoiled it! Why? YOU SPOILED IT JUST LIKE I SPOILED YOU!

Christina Crawford:
Why did you adopt me?

Joan Crawford:
[surprised] What?

Christina Crawford:
Why did you adopt me?

Joan Crawford:
Because I wanted a child. Because I wanted someone to love.

Christina Crawford:
Don't you act for me. I wanna know. WHY DID YOU ADOPT ME?!

Joan Crawford:
Maybe I did it for a little extra publicity... [realizes what she has just said] Tina! That's not true! You know that's not true.

Christina Crawford:
But maybe just a little true?

Joan Crawford:
[after an ugly fight] I didn't mean that, Greg. I didn't mean it.

Greg Savitt:
Get up. There's no camera in here.

Joan Crawford:
Greg, where ya goin'?

Greg Savitt:
Where I belong. Out of here.

Joan Crawford:
You belong here. I'm waitin' for ya.

Greg Savitt:
Good night, Joan.

Joan Crawford:
Please don't leave, because if you do, you'll never come back in again, no matter what you say, or ask, or do.

Greg Savitt:
I'll always wish you well, Joan. And I'll only speak well of you.

Joan Crawford:
Please don't go! Don't leave me here alone. Please.

Greg Savitt:
If you're acting, you're wasting your time. If you're not, you're wasting mine.

Joan Crawford:
I'm not actin'! I'm not actin'.

Greg Savitt:
Good night. Good luck. Goodbye.

Louis B. Mayer:
Joan, my Joan, you're in a position to do me a favor that will be as big a favor for you as it is for me.

Joan Crawford:
You don't have to ask! You only have to tell me.

Louis B. Mayer:
Good. I want you to leave Metro.

Joan Crawford:
Leave Metro? Leave Metro?

Louis B. Mayer:
Your pictures one after another are losing money. Theater owners voted you "box office poison". Still for years I've paid no attention. You know me, Joan. I don't give up so easily. We'll pay you off on your contract. But you can't afford to make three or four more losers for us.

Joan Crawford:
It's the scripts, L.B. Bad pictures, bad directors...

Louis B. Mayer:
Bad with you, good with others.

Joan Crawford:
No, listen to me L.B., I have been BEGGING YOU... begging you for a good script. Now you've always given me my share of bad movies because you knew I'd make them work. Well I can't keep doing it, L.B.!

Louis B. Mayer:
Listen with your ears and not with your pride. With me, feeling is more important than money. You're a great star! You're Hollywood royalty! But styles change. You'll leave. We have 'creative differences'. Other studios will think they're smarter than L.B., they'll try to finesse me. You'll be offered two, three, four films. You may even get a hit!

Joan Crawford:
[in tears] Will you be sorry then?

Louis B. Mayer:
I'm sorry now. But here there's no feeling, no hope. New faces, new voices, breath of fresh air, who knows. Don't do this to yourself.

Joan Crawford:
I'll have my maid and studio people clear out my bungalow. I've got a lot of years to collect.

Louis B. Mayer:
It's done, Joan. They've packed your things, they're loading your car.

Joan Crawford:
You mean everybody already knows?

Louis B. Mayer:
That we parted friends because we didn't agree.

Joan Crawford:
Will you walk me to my car? [L.B. doesn't answer] "Hollywood royalty".

Carol Ann:
[embracing Christina at Joan's funeral] Chris-tina! Tina!

Christina Crawford:
Carol-Ann.

Carol Ann:
My little Tina. She always loved you so very much, Christina.

Christina Crawford:
I need to believe that. I need so much to be able to believe that now.

Carol Ann:
She did.

Lawyer:
[reading from Joan's will after her death] It is my intention to make no provision herein for my son Christopher or my daughter Christina, for reasons which are well known to them.

Christopher Crawford:
What reasons?

Christina Crawford:
[laughing bitterly] Jesus Christ.

Christopher Crawford:
As usual, she has the last word.

Christina Crawford:
Does she? [pause] Does she... ?

Barbara:
Joan!

Joan Crawford:
Barbara! Barbara please, please Barbara, leave us alone. If you need anything ask Carol Ann.

Joan:
I don't know what to do with you.

Christina :
WHY NOT!?

Joan:
I don't ask much of you, girl! Why can't you give me the respect that I'm entitled to?! Why can't you treat me... like I would be treated by any STRANGER ON THE STREET?!

Christina:
Because I am not... one of your FANS!!!

Joan Crawford:
[addressing the fans camped out in front of her house on Oscar night] I would rather be here with you than anywhere else in the world. You, all of you here and everywhere, gave me this award tonight. And I accept it from you and only you. I love all of you. Now please forgive me, good night.

Joan Crawford:
[addressing the men in the Pepsi boardroom] DON'T F*** WITH ME FELLAS! This ain't my first time at the rodeo. You forget the press that I delivered to Pepsi was MY POWER. I can use it any way I want. It's a sword... that cuts both ways.

Christina Crawford:
[lecturing her baby dolls after making Joan mad] You were very, very bad to wake Mommie up like that. VERY naughty. I told you, Mommie has to be beautiful today. This afternoon, she has to see MISTER MAYER. Today is so important. You are thoughtless and selfish. You must learn to think about other people. You are bad, bad spoiled children.

Christina Crawford:
Adopted children are luckiest because they were chosen.

Joan Crawford:
[yelling at her children for making noise when she is trying to take a nap] Christina, Christopher! DAMMIT!!!