Monkey Business

Groucho:
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars? AFRAID? You bet I'm afraid!

Groucho:
Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Groucho:
Mrs. Briggs, I've known and respected your husband Alky for many years. And what's good enough for him is good enough for me.

Groucho:
...Columbus was sailing along on his vessel...

Chico:
On his what?

Groucho:
Not on his what, on his vessel. Don't you know what vessel is?

Chico:
Sure, I can vessel...

Madame Swempski:
I don't like this innuendo.

Groucho:
Well, it's like I always say: Love goes out the door when money comes innuendo.

Lucille:
I wanna sing. I wanna dance. I wanna ha-cha-ha.

Groucho:
Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean... flee to my lodge in the hills.

Groucho:
How about you and I passing out on the veranda; or would you rather pass out here?

Woman at Party:
Sir, you have the advantage of me.

Groucho:
Not yet I haven't, but wait till I get you outside.

Captain Corcoran:
Stockholders, huh? Well, you look like a couple of stowaways to me.

Groucho:
Well, don't forget, my fine fellow, that the stockholder of yesteryear is the stowaway of today.

Chico:
My father was-a partner's with Columbus.

Groucho:
Your father and Columbus were partners?

Chico:
You bet.

Groucho:
Columbus has been dead 400 years.

Chico:
Well, they told me it was my father.

Groucho:
I'll thank you to let me do the reporting around here. Is it true you're getting a divorce as soon as your husband recovers his eyesight? Is it true you wash your hair in clam broth? Is it true you used to dance in a flea circus?

Gibson, First Mate:
I'm sorry to have to report there are four stowaways in the forward hatch.

Captain Corcoran:
Stowaways? How do you know there are four of them?

Gibson, First Mate:
Well, they were singing Sweet Adeline.

Groucho:
If this is the Captain, I'm gonna have a few words with him. My hot water's been cold for three days. And I haven't got room enough in here to swing a cat. In fact, I haven't even got a cat.

Groucho:
Are you the floorwalker of this ship? I want to register a complaint.

Captain Corcoran:
Why? What's the matter?

Groucho:
Matter enough. You know who sneaked into my stateroom at three o'clock this morning?

Captain Corcoran:
Who did that?

Groucho:
Nobody, and that's my complaint.

Captain Corcoran:
I want you to know that I've been Captain of this ship for 22 years.

Groucho:
22 years, eh? If you were a man, you'd go in business for yourself. I know a fellow started only last year with just a canoe. Now he's got more women than you could shake a stick at, if that's your idea of a good time.

Groucho:
Oh, engineer? Will you tell them to stop the boat from rocking, I'm going to have lunch.

Groucho:
You're just wasting your breath, and that's no great loss either.

Groucho:
I'm going back in the closet, where men... are empty overcoats.

Zeppo:
Everybody seems to be having nearly as much fun as I am.

Groucho:
If you look at it, it's a barn. If you smell it, it's a stable.

Lucille:
But from the time he got the marriage license, I've led a dog's life.

Groucho:
Are you sure he didn't get a dog's license?

Groucho:
Nice old piece of melodrama, kidnapping a girl. You've been reading too many dime novels.

Groucho:
I know, heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns.

Groucho:
With a little study you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now.

Groucho:
You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.

Gibson, First Mate:
Who are you?

Groucho:
I'm the tailor.

Gibson, First Mate:
Oh, that reminds me, where are my pants?

Groucho:
You've got 'em on.

Chico:
Mustard's no good without roast beef.

State your business. I’ve got to shiver my timbers