Mother and Son

[first lines]

Taxi Driver Barsha:
Can I give you a hand?

Arthur Beare:
No. No I'll be right.

Maggie Beare:
Well, well, well.

Arthur Beare:
It's alright mum. Nothing to worry about.

Maggie Beare:
This is a surprise.

Arthur Beare:
[to Barsha] Just over on the couch will do.

Maggie Beare:
I say, Arthur... Aren't you going to introduce me?

Arthur Beare:
Introduce?

Maggie Beare:
Yes. Come on.

Arthur Beare:
This is my mother.

Maggie Beare:
Yes, I'm his mother. Don't pay any attention to him, he forgets himself sometimes. And you are?

Taxi Driver Barsha:
Barsha.

Maggie Beare:
What is it?

Taxi Driver Barsha:
Barsha.

Maggie Beare:
That can't be right.

Arthur Beare:
It's Barsha, mum. Barsha.

Maggie Beare:
Alright, alright. I'm sure it's a very pretty name, when you say it nicely.

Maggie Beare:
No, no, no. You're much better off here with your Mummy Beare.

Maggie Beare:
[pointing to a saucepan] What's that doing there?

Arthur Beare:
You put it there.

Maggie Beare:
Oh, yes-yes. That's the Whats-her-name.

Arthur Beare:
Oh, the Whats-her-name, is it?

Maggie Beare:
Well, it's not a proper Whats-her-name. We haven't got a proper Whats-her-name anymore, so you'll have to make do with that, as best you can.

Arthur Beare:
Do what with it?

Maggie Beare:
You know, when nature calls.

Arthur Beare:
Nature already has called.

Maggie Beare:
What did you do?

Arthur Beare:
I went to the bathroom.

Arthur Beare:
I don't think I can stand this much longer.

Maggie Beare:
Is it the pain?

Arthur Beare:
It's you!

Maggie Beare:
No, don't you worry about me. I won't rest until I get you back on your feet.

Arthur Beare:
Well that's easy. [stands]

Maggie Beare:
Sit! Sit! Sit! Sit! [Arthur sits] Good boy.

Arthur Beare:
Do I get a bone?

Maggie Beare:
Now, you just be a good boy and let me look after you.

Arthur Beare:
You can't look after me.

Maggie Beare:
Fiddle-dee-dee.

Arthur Beare:
You can't even look after yourself anymore.

Maggie Beare:
Now, come on. Nurse knows best.

Arthur Beare:
You're not a nurse. You haven't been a nurse for forty years.

Maggie Beare:
That doesn't matter, I'm still the mummy.

Arthur Beare:
You're a senile old fool!

Maggie Beare:
This is worse than I thought.

Arthur Beare:
I'm sorry.

Maggie Beare:
You're delirious.

Arthur Beare:
I'm not delirious.

Maggie Beare:
I'll get the sponge.

Arthur Beare:
No, maybe it's about time we face this. Maybe you should see someone.

Maggie Beare:
No, no, no visitors. You're sick.

Arthur Beare:
You need help, mum.

Maggie Beare:
Not just to give you a little sponge bath.

Arthur Beare:
I don't want a sponge bath. All I want is a sandwich, but you're not even able to do that.

Maggie Beare:
Alright, I suppose the sponge bath can wait.

Arthur Beare:
Where are you going?

Maggie Beare:
To get you a sandwich.

Arthur Beare:
You don't have to go out, you can make one here.

Maggie Beare:
No. No bread.

Arthur Beare:
There's plenty of bread in the freezer.

Maggie Beare:
No, I threw it out. Hard as a rock. Now I'll be back in a minute. What sort did you want?

Arthur Beare:
I don't care.

Maggie Beare:
But I care. I want to get this right.

Arthur Beare:
Roast beef, cheese and chutney.

Maggie Beare:
Roast beef, cheese and chutney. Roast beef, cheese and chutney. Righto, I'll be back in a whats-her-name. Roast beef, cheese and chutney.

Arthur Beare:
I can't wait to be an orphan.

Hospital Worker:
No, you're looking for casualty. Now, it's just up there, near the front. And you can't miss it, because there's a big sign.

Maggie Beare:
What does it say?

Hospital Worker:
Casualty.

Maggie Beare:
Casualty. I'll err, just right that down. Now, um, casualty. [points to her envelope] Look, I've already got it, here. [reads] "Confidential".

Hospital Worker:
Good.

Arthur Beare:
Where have you been?

Maggie Beare:
I've been to London to visit the Queen.

[last lines]

Claude Price:
How's your time?

Maggie Beare:
What?

Claude Price:
Isn't it time you were going? Won't your family be missing you?

Maggie Beare:
Yes, I hope so.

Liz Beare:
Robert and I have had a discussion.

Arthur Beare:
Yes, I heard the shouting.

Liz Beare:
But old age isn't attractive, Arthur. Look, I don't want my children to see their grandmother deteriorate in front of them.

Arthur Beare:
Don't you want them to see her anymore?

Liz Beare:
They've got photos.

[first lines]

Maggie Beare:
[searching the phone book] Connell, Connelly, Connell. What time is it?

Arthur Beare:
About four.

Maggie Beare:
About four? I thought that's when you said they were coming.

Arthur Beare:
Yes, about four.

Maggie Beare:
And what time is it now?

Arthur Beare:
About four.

Maggie Beare:
They're late.

Arthur Beare:
[Maggie expecting a surprise visitor] Mum, it's not the royal family.

Maggie Beare:
I know that. They couldn't all come.

Arthur Beare:
[to Lorna] I know in the letter I said mum wanted to see you, but I didn't actually say anything to mum.

Maggie Beare:
Why not?

Arthur Beare:
Because I wanted it to be a surprise.

Maggie Beare:
Well the next time you want to give me a surprise, you just ask me first.

Arthur Beare:
Then it won't be a surprise.

Maggie Beare:
At least it won't be a shock.

Arthur Beare:
What's so special about this broach?

Lorna:
It was mum's. And she promised it to me before she died.

Maggie Beare:
She promised it to me.

Lorna:
She didn't even like you much.

Lorna:
She always told me how pretty I was. She never said that to you.

Maggie Beare:
Yes, she did.

Lorna:
No, Margaret. Not with those bucked teeth of yours.

Maggie Beare:
I haven't got bucked teeth.

Lorna:
Yes, we paid a fortune to get them straightened.

Maggie Beare:
At least it was better than those goggle-eyed glasses and squinty little eyes.

Lorna:
My eyes are beautiful. [to Arthur] Aren't they?

Maggie Beare:
[to Arthur] Mine are nicer.

Lorna:
[to Arthur] What do you think?

Maggie Beare:
You be the judge.

Arthur Beare:
Oh, gosh, it's so hard to choose.

Arthur Beare:
And mum, next time you want to do some washing, put some soap in.

Maggie Beare:
I did put soap in.

Arthur Beare:
Soap powder, it doesn't work with a cake of Palmolive.

[last lines]

Arthur Beare:
[to Wendy] Well, I suppose we could go. Couldn't we?

Wendy:
Alright.

Arthur Beare:
[to Lorna] See you later, Auntie.

Maggie Beare:
Yes, yes. Bye-bye Lorna. It was nice seeing you again.

Arthur Beare:
You're not coming.

Maggie Beare:
[points to Lorna] Well I'm not staying here with her.

Lorna:
I'm not staying on my own.

Arthur Beare:
You're both staying here.

Wendy:
Well, I suppose they could always come with us. They might like it. It's alright with me.

Maggie Beare:
Oh... Oh, I say, Arthur, this is the sort of surprise I like. I think this one likes me.

[first lines]

Maggie Beare:
I say, Arthur...

Arthur Beare:
[after Maggie has hidden Arthur's playing cards] Mum, please. I want to play cards.

Maggie Beare:
Now, supposing, you don't find them, err... what other games could you play?

Arthur Beare:
Nothing.

Maggie Beare:
Oh, now, come on, Arthur. You can think of something. There's Blind Man's Buff, and Pin The Tail On The Whats-her-name.

Arthur Beare:
Oh, great. Come in, we haven't got any cards, but how about a game of Pin The Tail On The Whats-her-name, with a betting limit of a hundred dollars? They'll love that.

Maggie Beare:
There you are.

Arthur Beare:
They won't love it.

Maggie Beare:
Oh, make up your mind.

Maggie Beare:
Now, why didn't you say that in the first place? Naughty boy, playing games with your Mummy Beare.

[last lines]

Arthur Beare:
You don't think there's gonna be a next time. They'll never come here again.

Maggie Beare:
Oh, but they are. Next week. We'll let you play this time... if you're good.

[first lines]

Maggie Beare:
Mum, I'm home. Sorry I'm late. Mum? Where are you? Are you there, mum? Mum?

Arthur Beare:
[about Claude] I mean, who is he? What does he want?

Maggie Beare:
Who?

Arthur Beare:
Claude. I mean, a man his age asking a woman to go away with him. What's he after? Well, we know what he's not after.

Maggie Beare:
What?

Arthur Beare:
Never mind, you don't know what I'm talking about.

Maggie Beare:
Sex.

Arthur Beare:
Mum.

Maggie Beare:
You never know, he might think I'm sexy.

Arthur Beare:
Look, it's not my place to say this but I'm beginning to have real doubts about this whole idea.

Maggie Beare:
You're only jealous.

Arthur Beare:
Why? I don't know want to go away with him.

Maggie Beare:
I think you're frightened someone might take your Mummy Beare away from you.

Arthur Beare:
I wish someone would, but does it have to be him?

Maggie Beare:
He's the only one who asked me.

Arthur Beare:
Look, mum, I think it's terrific that you've met someone you like, you've met someone you want to spend some time with, but how much do we really know about him?

Maggie Beare:
He's got a sore foot.

Maggie Beare:
I say, Arthur... you know what this means?

Arthur Beare:
What?

Maggie Beare:
It means I can go away with What's-his-name.

Maggie Beare:
I say, Arthur... She's nice isn't she?

Maggie Beare:
I'll leave you two young things alone. I say, Arthur... [crosses both of her fingers]

Maggie Beare:
Yes, go and play outside, Arthur. It's the grown ups time now.

Arthur Beare:
Thanks, mum. I'll be in the sandpit if you need me.

[last lines]

Arthur Beare:
By the way, who did they get to look after the kids?

Maggie Beare:
Umm... Come on. We'll be late.

Arthur Beare:
Mum?

Maggie Beare:
They're looking forward to seeing their Uncle Arthur.

Maggie Beare:
Weren't you going to wear a proper suit?

Arthur Beare:
I told you, I haven't got one.

Maggie Beare:
Oh, yes, yes. I found one of your fathers.

Arthur Beare:
It's a dinner suit.

Maggie Beare:
Yes, yes. I know.

Arthur Beare:
I'm not wearing a dinner suit.

Maggie Beare:
What's wrong with it?

Arthur Beare:
We're going to a funeral.

Maggie Beare:
It's black. No? Well. Whose funeral is it, again?

Arthur Beare:
Uncle Andrew's.

Maggie Beare:
Uncle Andrew's, that's right. As long as it's not mine.

Maggie Beare:
Aren't I silly? I keep forgetting your name, don't I, Tom? What is it again?

Robert Beare:
Funny isn't it? It's nice to think that when, when Uncle Andrew gone to dust, my fillings will still be good as new. It makes me feel sort of immortal.

Maggie Beare:
I say, Arthur. I just remembered something.

Arthur Beare:
I wish the Doctor would hurry.

Robert Beare:
Yeah, you're nearly out of brandy.

Maggie Beare:
Oh dear, I think you're socks are still soaking.

Arthur Beare:
What do you think?

Funeral Assistant:
I think he snuffed it.

Robert Beare:
There you are. Expert opinion.

[last lines]

Maggie Beare:
But I say, Arthur. Who did poison him?

Liz Beare:
[after Maggie drops a bag of oranges into the open grave] I have never been so embarrassed in all my life.

Robert Beare:
It was just a few oranges, Liz. What's it matter?

Liz Beare:
It wasn't the oranges. It was your mother trying to throw herself into the grave.

Robert Beare:
She was only trying to get her oranges back.

Liz Beare:
God, I hate funerals.

Robert Beare:
Don't have one. I'm not going to. I'm gonna leave my body to science.

Liz Beare:
Oh, good. You and Phar Lap. One with the big heart, and one with the big head.

Liz Beare:
People just don't die like that.

Arthur Beare:
What do they do, Liz? Make an announcement?

Liz Beare:
Mum, we think you might have poisoned Uncle Tom.

Maggie Beare:
I killed him?

Arthur Beare:
You didn't mean to.

Maggie Beare:
I might have. I didn't like him much.

Arthur Beare:
She'd have to go into the Guinness Book of Records for the world's most stupid will.

Maggie Beare:
I think that's disgusting. Would you like to see me walking down to the shop with no clothes on?

Maggie Beare:
I say, Arthur... What time will you be home?

Robert Beare:
I think possibly that mum might slightly favor me because I'm still happily married.

Arthur Beare:
Happily married? Your marriage is like a truce in Lebanon. Even on your good days, you still throw things at each other.

Arthur Beare:
[handing Arthur a bunch of flowers] Put them in a what's-her-name, Arthur.

Maggie Beare:
[pointing to Robert] Why can't he put them in a what's-her-name?

[last lines]

Arthur Beare:
[Arthur is locked in the bathroom after the handle falls off the door] Put the handle back on the door.

Maggie Beare:
It's alright, I'll put it somewhere safe. [walks off leaving him locked in the bathroom]

Arthur Beare:
Mum!

[first lines]

Arthur Beare:
Come on, mum. Hurry up. Robert and Liz are leaving.

Maggie Beare:
I'll be with you in a minute. I'm looking for something.

Liz Beare:
This is ridiculous. We've been here for an hour.

Robert Beare:
Half an hour. Forty two and a half minutes actually. Well nearly an hour.

Arthur Beare:
She says she's still looking.

Liz Beare:
This happens every time. We say we're only here for a short visit, and somehow she does something, and we end up stuck here for hours.

Robert Beare:
We'll give her two more minutes.

Liz Beare:
This is ridiculous!

Maggie Beare:
Found it, found it. All ready to go.

Liz Beare:
No hurry!

Liz Beare:
[Maggie is reading her will] I thought you were supposed to be dead first.

Maggie Beare:
Yes, err that's what most people do, but I wanted to see your faces.

Maggie Beare:
[reading] "To my son Robert's first wife Liz, I leave all my recipe books". Use them wisely, Liz. It's time those children had a proper meal.

Liz Beare:
God!

Robert Beare:
Liz.

Maggie Beare:
I'm afraid I've had some bad news.

Arthur Beare:
Tell me.

Maggie Beare:
A letter from the government.

Arthur Beare:
What sort of letter?

Maggie Beare:
They think I'm dead!

Arthur Beare:
And they wrote to you and told you that, did they?

Maggie Beare:
Yes.

Arthur Beare:
"Dear Mrs. Beare, We think your dead"? Well, they have to do that sometimes, you know, because some people are so dumb, they don't even know that they're dead. They keep walking around taking up seats on the buses.

Maggie Beare:
I'm not dumb.

Arthur Beare:
I know. And you're not dead either.

Maggie Beare:
Are you sure?

Arthur Beare:
Of course I am.

Maggie Beare:
Will you ring the government, and tell them?

Arthur Beare:
All you have to do is take the cheques, and put them in the bank.

Maggie Beare:
No, I don't want to do that.

Arthur Beare:
Why not?

Maggie Beare:
Because then the government will know how much money I've got. And if you have too much money, you don't get the pension. You should know that!

Arthur Beare:
And where are the cheques?

Maggie Beare:
In a safe place.

Arthur Beare:
Under the mattress?

Maggie Beare:
Are they? No, I don't think so, no.

Arthur Beare:
I knew you'd lost them.

Maggie Beare:
I haven't lost anything. I put them somewhere safe. Then I forgot... deliberately. In case someone tries to torture me.

Maggie Beare:
I say, Arthur. I could lend it to you.

Maggie Beare:
I wish I'd never heard of this money. It's the roof of all evil.

Robert Beare:
Mum, where exactly did you put the money?

Maggie Beare:
[referring to the tea canister] In the tea whats-her-name.

Arthur Beare:
Why did you put it back there?

Maggie Beare:
Because it was safe. No one knew it was there. Except me, and I wasn't sure sometimes.

Maggie Beare:
[to Robert about Arthur] He tried to attack me with a big stick!

Arthur Beare:
It was a wooden spoon.

Arthur Beare:
[finding jars of old medication] How many times have I told you to throw these out?

Maggie Beare:
You leave them alone!

Arthur Beare:
[pointing to different jars] These are older than I am. These ones have got Dad's name on them.

Maggie Beare:
Yes, well, that's alright. He left them to me in his will.

Robert Beare:
Here's one with your name on it, Artie. Worm tablets.

Maggie Beare:
Worm tablets? Have you been scratching lately?

Maggie Beare:
What's a volvo?

Arthur Beare:
A car.

Maggie Beare:
Sounds more like a biscuit.

Maggie Beare:
[handing Robert a term deposit slip] Here we are.

Robert Beare:
What's this? This isn't the money?

Maggie Beare:
Ah... yes, yes. Five thousand dollars.

Robert Beare:
No mum, this is a term deposit slip. You've put the money in the bank?

Maggie Beare:
Yes, Arthur told me too.

Robert Beare:
[to Arthur] She's put it in for two years.

Maggie Beare:
You were right, Arthur. They do pay interest. Twelve percent. That's more than you were going to give me.

Robert Beare:
But we can't touch the money for two years.

Arthur Beare:
You're supposed to be buying me a car.

Maggie Beare:
There's no rush, surely. I'll take the money out in two years and buy you a proper car.

Maggie Beare:
There's no rush, surely. I'll take the money out in two years and buy you a proper car.

Bank Teller:
This is a pension cheque.

Maggie Beare:
Yes.

Bank Teller:
It's wet.

Maggie Beare:
Yes. It was in the tea pot. The silly thing, it was hiding there.

Bank Teller:
It's a fairly old one too.

Maggie Beare:
Oh, is it? Well I might have a newer one in here. Yes. [takes out a bundle of old pension cheques]

Bank Teller:
How many more of these have you got?

Maggie Beare:
A few. They're all a bit wet I'm afraid. I was going to iron them, but I couldn't find the iron. I suppose it was hiding too.

Bank Teller:
I think I'll have to ask about these. Have you got any identification?

Maggie Beare:
Pardon?

Bank Teller:
Well, something to prove that these are your cheques?

Maggie Beare:
Oh, uh, they're mine. They've all got my name on them. Mrs. Margaret Beare.

Bank Teller:
Yes, but how do I know this is you?

Maggie Beare:
Who else would I be?

Bank Teller:
Have you got a driver's license?

Maggie Beare:
Where do you get one of those?

Bank Teller:
Have you got anything to identify yourself with?

Maggie Beare:
Erm... yes, yes. Here we are. [hands the teller an old black and white photograph] This was taken some years ago on a picnic, but you can see who it is. I'm on the left.

Bank Teller:
Excuse me a minute. [goes to get the bank manager]

Maggie Beare:
[to the people waiting in line] I'm sorry. I never had this trouble with Mr. Temple.

Maggie Beare:
I'll have you know that I'm a very highly respected and valued customer of this bank.

Bank Manager:
Well, yes you are. But you haven't got an account here.

Maggie Beare:
Oh, yes I have.

Bank Manager:
No, you used to. You had a joint account with your husband, but you closed it.

Maggie Beare:
Yes, well I had to. He passed away. They don't let you have a bank account with someone when they're dead. You should know that, surely?

[first lines]

Robert Beare:
What do you mean you're not going?

Arthur Beare:
I hate picnics.

Robert Beare:
Well so do I, but you expect me to go. And take mum.

Arthur Beare:
Oh, for heavens sake, it's not going to kill you to take her out for once.

Robert Beare:
Well if it's no big deal, why can't you take her?

Matron:
No sign of her.

Arthur Beare:
Where is she?

Matron:
To be perfectly honest, I don't know.

Arthur Beare:
You can't have lost my mother.

Matron:
Why not? You did.

Arthur Beare:
We'll just have to call the police again.

[last lines]

Maggie Beare:
Take me home, Arthur.

Maggie Beare:
[after spraying the flowers with body deodorant] Doesn't the garden smell lovely this time of year?

Arthur Beare:
Well, there's nothing definate yet. But, there's a slight possibly that I might be getting a new job.

Maggie Beare:
I thought you already had a job?

Arthur Beare:
This is another job.

Maggie Beare:
Two jobs, Arthur? Is that fair? Some poor people don't even have one job these days.

Arthur Beare:
I have to leave the job that I've got now.

Maggie Beare:
Is that wise with jobs so scarce? Your father never left a job, Arthur. He was reliable. He had the same job for forty eight years, and he never had one day off. Except, when he went to the war, of course. But that was different.

Arthur Beare:
This is different.

Maggie Beare:
You're not going to the war. It's over, surely?

Arthur Beare:
I might be going to work in Canberra.

Maggie Beare:
In Canberra?

Arthur Beare:
Yes mum.

Maggie Beare:
Well, well, well. I knew they had the government, but I didn't know anybody worked there.

Maggie Beare:
Where is it? Do you know?

Arthur Beare:
What are you looking for?

Maggie Beare:
Something to cook the water in. We're having tea, remember?

Arthur Beare:
What happened to the electric kettle?

Maggie Beare:
Ah... It got broken!

Arthur Beare:
Already? We've only had it for two weeks.

Maggie Beare:
Yes, well they don't last long.

Arthur Beare:
Not around you, they don't. [picks up the electric kettle, which has a big burn mark on the bottom] Mum! You didn't put this on the gas again, did you? It's an electric kettle, you're supposed to plug it in.

Maggie Beare:
Yes, I know that. I plugged it in, but then I had to unplug it.

Arthur Beare:
Why?

Maggie Beare:
Because the cord won't reach from over there, to over here.

Maggie Beare:
I'm not surprised Deirdre left you. I wouldn't want to be married to a winging little weaky.

Maggie Beare:
Your father wanted you to be a Doctor. He was very disappointed.

Robert Beare:
He was proud of me, when I was a dentist.

Maggie Beare:
Not when you took out all his teeth.

Maggie Beare:
He need a jolly good kick in the what's-her-name.

Maggie Beare:
[to Robert] You selfish little bugger!

Robert Beare:
Mum!

Maggie Beare:
Well you are! I stay well away from you and Liz, so I won't be a bother to you. I wait till you come and see me, and I wait, and I wait.

Robert Beare:
And I come and see you.

Maggie Beare:
Not as often as Arthur does.

Robert Beare:
He lives here.

Maggie Beare:
Yes. Well, he's given up everything to look after me, so that you can carry on with your toitey toitey friends, and never give a thought to me. Well, no more! It's Arthur's turn, now. If he really wants this job, I won't stand in his way, and don't you either!

Maggie Beare:
You're not very nice, Robbie! Perhaps that's why noone likes you. It's as well that I'm your mother and I can tell you these things.

Robert Beare:
I brought you some flowers.

Maggie Beare:
Yes. Yes. And they're lovely. But you're still a selfish little what's-her-name.

Maggie Beare:
This toaster's on the blink. I was making cheese on toast, but now the cheese won't come out.

Maggie Beare:
I say, Arthur. You haven't had your lunch!

[last lines]

Maggie Beare:
I did the right thing, Arthur. I told you to go. Why couldn't you do the right thing and say no. The sad part is I thought I could trust you.

[first lines]

Arthur Beare:
I don't know. What do you think I should do?

Diedre Beare:
Take the job.

Arthur Beare:
No, really.

Diedre Beare:
This is funny, you know. When we were married you never wanted my advice. What happened?

Arthur Beare:
We got divorced.