Mr. Belvedere

Kevin Owens:
What is that? You can't eat that. That's a cookie.

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
What? It's a graham cracker.

Heather Owens:
You're cheating on your diet.

Wesley T. Owens:
You're eating it with milk so that makes it a cookie.

Heather Owens:
He's right, you know.

Wesley T. Owens:
Neener, neener, neener.

George Owens:
Who are these from?

Marsha Cameron Owens:
They're from Robbie Rogers.

George Owens:
Robbie Rogers? You mean that wimp you met before you met me?

Marsha Cameron Owens:
He was not a wimp. He was sweet and kind and I'm not throwing these away.

George Owens:
Okay, then I will.

[George throws out Marsha's mash letters]

Marsha Cameron Owens:
George!

[Marsha throws out George's girlie magazines]

George Owens:
Hey, those are collector's items!

Marsha Cameron Owens:
Yeah, the trash collector.

George Owens:
Who's idea was it to clean out the attic anyways?

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
Yours, George.

George Owens:
Decided on who you're taking to England?

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
Not yet.

George Owens:
How about me? I wouldn't mind leaving the country.

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
Fearing hearing the patter of little feet.

George Owens:
Well, its sort of caught me off guard. I mean, Marsha and I pretty much agreed to stop after having Wesley.

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
That certainly would have stopped me.

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
Here's your coffee, Mrs. Owens.

Marsha Cameron Owens:
Oh, thank you, Mr. Belvedere, but Mr. Belvedere?

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
Yes, ma'am?

Marsha Cameron Owens:
This is double Dutch mocha, I wanted Swiss orange mint.

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
Oh, I'm sorry, let me draw you a map to the kitchen.

Karen:
Hi, I'm Karen. I'll be your waitress.

Kevin Owens:
Hi, I'm Kevin. I'll be your slave.

Robert Goulet:
It's not easy getting started in this business.

George Owens:
I know that.

Robert Goulet:
You know that? So you know what it's like, playing in every crummy dive, singing your heart out to somebody who's only interested in his cocktail or his cocktail waitress? I mean getting heckled and not getting paid. And you're lucky if they don't make you sweep up on the way out.

George Owens:
You mean all that happened to you?

Robert Goulet:
[emphatically] No.

Heather Owens:
What are you making?

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
Chocolate chip cookies. Would you like one?

Heather Owens:
No thanks, I already got something. [pulls out something black shaped like a rat] Don't worry, it's a gummy rat. Wanna bite?

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
What flavor is it, plague?

Wesley T. Owens:
I got my Halloween costume, I'm gonna go as the devil.

George Owens:
Makes sense.

Kevin Owens:
We need to go over some ground rules for the school dance. Rule number 1, you must stay at least 50 feet away from me.

Heather Owens:
Isn't that what most girls do?

Kevin Owens:
[trying to cheer up a despondent Mr. Belvedere] So listen, if it's any consolation, I think I know what you're going through.

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
You do?

Kevin Owens:
I mean way back when I was seven, I had my tonsils out. I thought it was all over. I'd never be able to swallow again. But time went by and before I knew it I was eating potato chips, pretzels... It was like the whole thing never happened.

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
Good God! Is that the kind of drivel I tell you?

Wesley T. Owens:
What's a matter, Mr. Belvedere? You didn't make any good stuff to eat. You wouldn't play games. You didn't even say anything snotty to Miles and now he thinks you don't like him.

Kevin Owens:
Look, Mr. Belvedere, you gotta start doing things the way you're told to at Mr. Cluck's, not the way you want to.

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
I don't even know what you're talking about.

Kevin Owens:
You don't ask people how they want their chicken. We only serve it one way.

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
I thought my Chick Marsalla was rather well received.

Kevin Owens:
It took you forty-five minutes to make it.

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
So? Good food takes time.

Kevin Owens:
It's not supposed to be good, it's supposed to be fast!

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
Is that why you serve it in a bucket?

Mrs. Bigelow:
[introducing George to the stage at the Good Citizenship Awards] Here he is, Pittsburgh's favorite sports columnist, until he got fired, George Owens.

Man:
Did you get the mattress and box spring I left on your lawn?

George Owens:
Yeah, we did. Thanks.

Man:
You using it?

George Owens:
No.

Man:
Why not?

George Owens:
Well, for one thing, it smells like someone's been raising goats on it.

George Owens:
[to the unruly crowd at the Good Citizenship Awards] I'm proud I'm George Owens, unemployed sports writer, and I'll tell you why. Because I got a great family. A family who sticks together through thick and thin. I mean my oldest kid and butler are out slinging chickens. My wife is taking in typing. And my youngest kid, he brings home money too. We're just afraid to ask him where he's getting it.

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
[In a postcard from Africa] To all my dear Owens, Married life has been rather hectic here in the Burungga Mountains. First Louise and I enjoyed our Abba Dabha honeymoon. Now we fill our days counting gorilla noses. I miss you dearly. But being around apes keeps the spirit of the Owens Family alive indeed. Oops! I must close. Louise is calling. Love to all, Lynn P.S. When you notice I've left my journal behind, don't bother to send it. Perhaps some day, I'll drop by and pick it up myself.

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
Is this the Owens residence?

Heather Owens:
Uh-huh.

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
I take it you are one of them?

Heather Owens:
Uh-huh.

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
Is there anyone here who speaks English?

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
[Kevin and George are competing about everything] What do you want breakfast?

Kevin Owens:
I'm feeling kinda hungry... I'll have three eggs and some toast.

George Owens:
I'll have four eggs and some sausage.

Kevin Owens:
I'll have five eggs and some Canadian bacon.

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
Do I here six eggs and a hog?

Heather Owens:
Mom, I need your advice. Say you have a date at the drive-in with this guy, and you know he's going to want to do more than just watch the movie - a lot more, what do you do?

Marsha Cameron Owens:
Well, I would explain to him nicely but firmly that while I like him a lot and I enjoy his company, that I'm just not that kind of girl.

Heather Owens:
What if you're afraid you might be that kind of girl?

Marsha Cameron Owens:
...Go to your room, you're grounded!

Heather Owens:
Thanks mom!

Heather Owens:
[Heather is trying to keep Wesley from telling on her] How about if I do all your homework?

Wesley T. Owens:
Don't threaten me Heather.

Angela Shostakovich:
Do you think I'm boring Mr.Bricklayer?

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
No, I think you're out of your mind.

Heather Owens:
I went to this great little diet bakery for a cake, the lady said there's only 50 calories in the whole thing.

Marsha Cameron Owens:
Great, what flavor did you get?

Heather Owens:
Tomato.

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
Wendy's still doing your homework?

Kevin Owens:
Yeah sometimes.

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
Kevin, the girl's in California!

Kevin Owens:
I know, the postage is killing me.

Angela:
Don't you ever wish you could change your name Mr. Babyboomer?

Mr. Lynn Aloysius Belvedere:
Yes but with you around I don't have too.