Mr. Destiny

Larry Joseph Burrows:
35 years old, and my life is sh*t.

Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar:
Can't be all that bad.

Larry Joseph Burrows:
It's not that it's bad, you know, it's just that it's ordinary.

Larry Joseph Burrows:
So, Mike, do you do this a lot, I mean, you know, change peoples' lives and stuff?

Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar:
I've been known to make a few adjustments now and again.

Larry Joseph Burrows:
How can my life change so much just because I hit one stinking baseball?

Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar:
Well, you see Larry, one's destiny is a very complicated thing. Every incident in a person's life affects everything else that follows it. Instead of missing the baseball, however, you hit it. Then you became a hero, married the prom queen, and so on, and so forth, until you find yourself exactly where you are. So you see, hitting that baseball has spun your life off in an entirely new direction.

Larry Joseph Burrows:
Are you an angel or something?

Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar:
Not exactly, no.

Larry Joseph Burrows:
Then what are you?

Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar:
Have you ever been faced with a decision, and you weren't sure what to do?

Larry Joseph Burrows:
Yeah, sure, plenty of times.

Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar:
And then something inside you made you choose one direction over another?

Larry Joseph Burrows:
Yeah. So?

Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar:
So that's me. I make the suggestions, and you make the choices. That's how destiny works, Larry - very subtly. Welcome to your new life, Larry. I hope you like it.

Larry Joseph Burrows:
Is there anything else that's gonna come as a shock?

Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar:
It all will, to some degree.

Larry Joseph Burrows:
To what degree?

Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar:
You'll see. Things have changed, Larry. You have to take the bad with the good. You didn't think everything was gonna be perfect, did you?

Larry Joseph Burrows:
Well, I... I..., I suppose not.

Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar:
This is your life, Larry. Learn to enjoy what you've got.

Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar:
You'll find a lot of people don't like you, Larry.

Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar:
Congratulations, Larry. It's a brave man who takes control of his own destiny.

Mike the Bartender at Universal Joint Bar:
Your destiny has been changed, Larry, by request, I might add. And you must take responsibility for the circumstances of your new life. They are, after all, of your own making.

Larry Joseph Burrows:
Well, if I made 'em, I can unmake 'em!

Larry Joseph Burrows:
How well do you remember 1970?

Duncan the Tow Truck Driver:
Somebody here call for a tow truck?

Cindy Jo Bumpers:
I wish I'd known it was your birthday, I would have gotten you something.

Larry Joseph Burrows:
Well, Cindy Jo, you've already given me more than you could possibly know. Really.

Larry Joseph Burrows:
Destiny's a pretty big concept, when you think about it. Where you are in life, how you got there, what would have happened if one thing or another had been different. To be honest, I never gave it much thought, myself, until today, June 14th, my 35th birthday, and without a doubt, the strangest day of my life. Do you remember the old story that starts, "This guy goes into a bar"? Well, I'm the guy, and here's the story.

Larry Joseph Burrows:
Why is it when you do something terrific, nine times out of 10 you're all alone, but when you screw up really big, the whole world is watching?

Ellen Jane Burrows:
Oh, honey, were you thinking about that silly baseball game again?

Larry Joseph Burrows:
Why is it every time you have a mouthful of freeze-dried, your boss walks in on you?

Jackie:
When I played for the Bears, they used to call me "Cement Head". But you can call me Jackie.

Larry Joseph Burrows:
Why is it every time your best friend's kissing you on the head, a beautiful woman comes along and catches you?

Larry Joseph Burrows:
Maybe it was because it was my birthday. Maybe it was seeing Cindy Jo. I don't know. But all morning I'd been thinking about what it would have been like if my life had turned out differently.

Clip Metzler, Larry's Best Friend:
Well, you know what your problem is? Nothing's ever good enough for you. Way I see it, you've got the perfect life. You've got a wonderful home, a terrific wife, a good job, and the best friend money can buy. What else could a guy want?

Larry Joseph Burrows:
A little excitement would be nice.

Jewel Jagger, Forklift operator:
You wouldn't want me to fork you to death, would you?

Larry Joseph Burrows:
Why is it every time you break into your boss's office, he always walks in on you?

Niles Pender:
Lose something, Burrows?

Larry Joseph Burrows:
Something tells me I have.

Larry Joseph Burrows:
How about that! The desk is wired to my ass!

Larry Joseph Burrows:
Sometimes I get the distinct feeling I'm missing out on something.

Harry Burrows:
Well, what she's got - and she's got plenty you don't need.

Larry Joseph Burrows:
You sure?

Harry Burrows:
[pause] Not absolutely. But if I ever tried to find out, your mother would kill me.

Larry Joseph Burrows:
You're the dad every kid dreams of, you know that?

Ellen Jane Burrows:
Larry, if we had such a great life together, why'd you want it changed?

Larry Joseph Burrows:
(pause) I guess... I just didn't know what I had.

Ellen Jane Burrows:
I was wrong about you. I think you're a wonderful man. I wish it could've been different between us. I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Sorry.

Larry Joseph Burrows:
[long pause as Ellen walks away] Wait a minute, that's bullshit! It was meant to be!

Larry Joseph Burrows:
Thanks. Thanks for everything. The good and the bad. Boy, you sure do know how to make a point. Oh, and listen, Mike - whatever you've got planned for the rest of my life? It's perfect.

Mike the Bartender:
[toasts] Happy birthday, Larry.

[last lines]

Mike the Bartender:
Saw the game, kid. Tough break.

Young Larry Burrows:
You said it, mister. I blew it good.

Mike the Bartender:
Don't worry too much about it. Remember, you've got your whole life to look forward to. Things will work out just fine. Trust me.

Young Larry Burrows:
[walking away] Old fart. What the hell does he know?