Much Ado About a Webseries

Margaret:
Welcome to Messina Records! I'm your host, Margaret, here to give you an exclusive behind-the-scenes scoop into the world's hottest new indie label.

Cameraman:
You don't actually have to...

Margaret:
Let's get started! [Margaret smiles prettily and waltzes off]

Cameraman:
Oh God.

Benedick:
The tour was great. It was such a great success for the band: we got our name out there, got to play some righteous venues, and I'll tell ya what, the groupies weren't bad either.

Leonato:
Hello, hello, hello, always happy to see some fans. Although I'm not sure how you got past security. Oh well, let's have a photo, shall we?

Margaret:
Um, ma'am...

Leonato:
Say Messina!

Margaret:
Ma'am, I work here. The intern. Mar...

Leonato:
Marcy!

Margaret:
Margaret.

Leonato:
Of course.

Leonato:
This is where it all started. The Giddy Things recorded their first LP in this very studio. You smell that?

Borachio:
Um...

Leonato:
That is the smell of history being made.

Borachio:
Actually, it's leftover chilli dogs.

Borachio:
Yeah... they literally just recorded ten minutes of bad puns.

Hero:
Bea and Benedick have this... thing.

Bea:
Oh, gross, now you've made it sound like we're copulating.

Hero:
He's a good musician.

Bea:
If you're deaf.

Hero:
And he's not bad looking.

Bea:
If you close your eyes.

Hero:
He can be sweet.

Bea:
Compared to what? Rotten curry?

Margaret:
I just don't see how this is relevant...

Hero:
True love is always relevant.

Margaret:
Um, Benedick, wow, so cool. I sure would like to take a bite out of that piece of manmeat.

Hero:
Manmeat?

Margaret:
I'm not good at improvisation!

Bea:
They've got to be kidding.

Benedick:
This has to be a joke.

Bea:
But they sounded so serious...

Benedick:
I don't even know if Claudio can lie.

Benedick:
Alright, so maybe I'm a little vain, and self-absorbed, and 'morally loose,' but does that make me a bad person? Probably.

Bea:
I'll admit that he is charming, in that Fall Out Boy groupie circa 2007 way of his.

Don Pedro:
Claudio's right, you've got a crush on someone.

Benedick:
No I don't!

Claudio:
Who is it?

Don Pedro:
The intern?

Claudio:
The security guard?

Don Pedro:
That weird girl who's always following around John?

Claudio:
Is it Pedro?

Don Pedro:
Is it Claudio?

Don Pedro:
With any luck, the two of them confess their undying love for one another.

Claudio:
Or kill each other.

Don Pedro:
Either way, we'll finally have some peace and quiet around here.

Don John:
Pedro. Claudio. I - wait, are you having a rehearsal right now?

Claudio:
Oh, you know, just a jam session with the band.

Don John:
I'm in the band...

Claudio:
Oh, right!

Borachio:
Did I ever tell you that the recording booth is completely sound proof?

Margaret:
Huh, no I don't think you did.

Borachio:
What would you say to a little hands on demonstration?

Conrad:
Did you get the goods?

Borachio:
The deed is done. Literally.

Conrad:
You disgust me.

Borachio:
Feeling's mutual, sweet cheeks.

Dogberry:
Physical fitness is imperative. You've gotta be at the top of your game, and you've gotta be ready for anything! Take me for example. I know aikido!

Verges:
He does not.

Dogberry:
I know jiu jitsu!

Verges:
No.

Dogberry:
I know capoeira!

Verges:
...are you thinking of capicola? He does make a really good sandwich.

Dogberry:
Bokator! Kung fu! Krav magal!

Verges:
No, nope, name of his college roommate.

Dogberry:
And I can break a brick using just my face!

Verges:
I have seen him do it.

Hero:
The EP launch is tonight. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited. Life has been pretty great. Bea and I have come so far, and all our hard work is finally paying off, and Claudio. Well. He's perfect. But what if something goes wrong? Nothing stays perfect forever. What am I saying, of course it can!

Hero:
Bea?

Bea:
What?

Hero:
You're not wearing pants.

Verges:
[about Dogberry] We don't actually get to do stuff very often. He gets excited.

Hero:
What if fame changes things? What if Claudio decides he hates me? What if our relationship affects the band and I have to choose between him and you? What if...

Bea:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay. One: It will. Two: He won't. And three: Maybe, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, just enjoy the ride.

Benedick:
Something's funny about all this.

Bea:
Funny? Forgive me for not laughing. Claudio...

Benedick:
Is as crazy about Hero as she is about him. He wouldn't lie about something like this.

Bea:
Well someone has.

Bea:
I just hate him so much. How do you not hate him?

Hero:
I hate what he did. I hate how much it hurts. But I don't think I hate him. I don't think I can.

Bea:
But he hurt you. He...

Hero:
I know. Love sucks sometimes.

Bea:
This is one thing you can't kiss and make it better.

Benedick:
I could try.

Benedick:
I love you.

Bea:
Well, that's...

Benedick:
Weird, right?

Bea:
Yeah.

Bea:
Victim? He's a victim? Oh, I'm sorry, I must have mistook him for someone else - see, I thought he was the man who called my best friend a whore on what was supposed to be he happiest night of her life. I thought he was the man who humiliated her, broke her heart, and then left her there. Was he the one whose hands shook so bad he could hardly hold his medication? Was he the one who cried himself to sleep? Was he the one who has to hide in shame for a crime he didn't commit? Don't talk to me about victims when Hero is hurting and he's the one who made her that way! He's no better than you!

Dogberry:
Civilians, don't worry. Nothing to see here. Carry on!

Borachio:
There's literally no one else here.

Dogberry:
Verges, the handcuffs!

Verges:
Well, we've got rubber bands, condoms, zip ties, and... ooh, Jolly Ranchers!

Dogberry:
Verges, the zip ties!

Dogberry:
Where were you the night that JFK was assassinated?

Borachio:
Uh, not even born yet?

Dogberry:
Alright, that's a solid alibi.

Borachio:
You don't have any evidence.

Verges:
[holds up Conrad's phone] Yeah we do, she live tweeted it all.

Borachio:
Goddamnit, Conrad.

Dogberry:
I'm glad that worked out. We're not technically allowed to lock them up. Or question them... or arrest them... I think we're allowed to give them a strongly worded letter...

Don Pedro:
Benedick, tell Claudio that being the dark and brooding one is John's job.

Don Pedro:
Let's just say if I had to choose between Benedick and my brother, I'd choose Ben any day.

Don John:
Dude, I'm right here.

Margaret:
One time he winked at me and my heart skipped a beat. No, really, I have an arrhythmia. It's hereditary.

Claudio:
What? No, we are not having a secret love affair - why do you ask?

Fangirl:
My fan fiction has received over thirty thousand notes on Tumblr.

Bea:
And they say romance is dead.

Benedick:
For you, maybe. Me? I've got lines of women - and the occasional middle aged man - just waiting for a shot at the ol' Benedick, if you catch my drift.

Bea:
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Don Pedro:
Hero! Bea! If it isn't my favorite indie-folk-pop-alt-rock duo here at Messina.

Hero:
We're the only folk-pop duo at Messina.

Don Pedro:
Exactly!

Claudio:
Isn't she great?

Benedick:
No. Oh, you mean Hero.

Benedick:
It all makes sense now. The glassy eyes, the singing, the love ballads at 2am. I just thought you were doing drugs, but this is way worse.

Claudio:
Just don't tell anyone.

Benedick:
Scout's honor.

Don Pedro:
[entering] Wait til you guys see the new equipment they got while...

Benedick:
Claudio's in love with Hero!

Claudio:
What if she doesn't like me? What if her dad doesn't like me? Worse, what if Leonato doesn't like me? What if she does like me but then Leonato doesn't approve and it starts a blood feud between you two, so we have to meet in secret, but fate pulls us apart and we end up committing suicide instead?

Don Pedro:
Well, that's...

Benedick:
Weirdly specific.

Leonato:
Do you know what this means? Hero is innocent. Hero is innocent! Oh, and Margaret? We will be discussing this later.

Margaret:
Great, now she remembers my name.

Claudio:
I would do anything to get her back.

Leonato:
She's a person, not a lost toy.

Benedick:
Love songs aren't punk rock.

Bea:
Last I checked, neither was Ben and Jerry's.

Benedick:
I like that about you.

Bea:
You like that seeing you punch other people turns me on?

Benedick:
No - wait, it turns you on?

Bea:
No!

Bea:
And what about me? What of my numerous and admirable good qualities did you fall for first?

Benedick:
Well it certainly wasn't your modesty.

Margaret:
Hero's innocent, they proved it!

Benedick:
Wait, how did they prove it?

Margaret:
Oh, um, just. Ya know. Dogberry and Verges and... science.

Claudio:
Hero, I - if you're watching this. You haven't answered my calls and that's - that's fair, I... I really f***ed up - I just. I wanted to know that you were okay, wherever you were. And apologize. So, um, if you're watching, this is for you.

Benedick:
Well, I'm glad to see I didn't permanently damage you.

Claudio:
I was hoping for a little scarring actually. Thought it might make me look a bit more rugged.

Benedick:
Rugged? No.

Don Pedro:
You're the pretty one, remember?

Claudio:
Hi, my name is Claudio. I'm really good at music and really bad at jealousy, and I've been mad about you since the first day we met.

Hero:
I'm Hero. Very good at baking, very bad at crossword puzzles, and equally mad about you.

Hero:
You and Benedick hooked up and you didn't tell me? Oh my God, you are the worst best friend ever.

Bea:
Well to be fair, there were some pretty pressing matters.

Hero:
Nothing is more pressing than one true love, Bea!

Don John:
But then Claudio joins, and suddenly everyone's all "Ooh Claudio, you're such a natrual talent" and "Ooh Claudio, your skin is so soft and perfect" and "Ooh Claudio, let me have your stupid babies." Ugh, who cares if he writes his own music and plays nine instruments and is a charming, selfless humanitarian? Was he here when we were cutting the EP and playing every dive bar in Padua? No! He was too busy "volunteering" in "Tazmania."

Conrad:
Have patience. As a wise Disney princess once said "Conceal, don't feel."

Don John:
That's literally the dumbest thing I have ever heard.

Don John:
Can I count on you?

Conrad:
To the death, my lord.

Borachio:
I didn't really have any plans until Game of Thrones, so sure.

Bea:
[about Don John] He's a human Valium. I almost prefer Benedick.

Hero:
I bet you do.

Bea:
I said almost. If John is Valium, then Benedick is Ritalin.

Hero:
And what you need is Dayquil?

Bea:
All I want is someone with a nice butt and a trust fund who makes me breakfast in bed and never actually speaks to me, is that so much to ask?

Margaret:
I don't get paid enough for this.

Borachio:
To women!

Don John:
To fratricide!

Borachio:
I dunno what that is, but I bet it's hot.

Bea:
Benedick thinks he's so punk rock, and he plays the synth!

Benedick:
What's wrong with the synth?

Bea:
Nothing, if you're in an 80s porno.

Benedick:
Don't you at least think he's cute?

Bea:
Are you looking to score? 'Cause I'm pretty sure he's into girls, but tequila does magical things.

Don Pedro:
And that's how Benedick got that weird scar and The Giddy Things got banned from Wawa.

Conrad:
I live tweeted the whole party and gained like 900 followers in three hours. And, I got to touch John's butt. I haven't slept in 36 hours... I will never wash this hand again.

Borachio:
I found a condom. In my ear.

Bea:
It sounds like my angsty middle school phase in here.

Bea:
Come on, faces as pretty as ours aren't meant to frown.

Benedick:
What's that? Borachio's fallen and can't get up? And she needs me to tune all the instruments in the building? And - nope, I'm too hungover for this.

Leonato:
Oh we are going to market the hell out of this. Two talented, beautiful people getting together - who couldn't love them?

Don John:
I hate them.

Benedick:
One word: Yoko Ono - wait, that's two words, edit that out.

Bea:
I'm happy for them, really... which is why I'm eating a pint of ice cream by myself right now.

Bea:
Do you hear that?

Leonato:
What?

Bea:
It's the 18 cats I'm destined to own meowing in the distance. I better go check on them.

Claudio:
Has she really never been interested in anyone?

Hero:
Never.

Margaret:
Well, there was that one company party where she and Hero...

Hero:
That was one time, and tequila makes me bi.

Don Pedro:
Come on! They're perfect for each other!

Claudio:
Are you trying to play matchmaker or start World War III?

Don John:
Borachio, give me an update.

Borachio:
So now that Joffrey's dead, Margaery's all over Tommen - jailbait, amiright - and Tyrion's on trial for murder, and Sansa...

Don John:
Borachio! I'm talking about Hero and Claudio.

Borachio:
Oh, yeah, they're definitely hitting it.

Don John:
What am I going to do about them? I need ideas. Conrad!

Conrad:
Give me three knives, a can of Vaseline, and a concrete mixer, and all your problems will go away.

Don John:
Too much, but I like the commitment.

Benedick:
What does Hero have that the rest of the band doesn't? Well, aside from... never mind.

Benedick:
Love is for pussies. And the British.

Don Pedro:
Unrequited love does make for some choice songwriting.

Don Pedro:
A man could do worse: she's talented, passionate, very good taste...

Claudio:
In everything except men, apparently.