Muppets from Space

[first lines]

Gonzo:
Hey, wait for me! Hold the boat! I'm coming! Noah! Mr. The Ark! I'm here. Barely made it. For a minute, there. I thought you were leaving without... [Noah stops him] Gee, Mr. Noah, sir, I'm gonna come too.

Noah:
What are you, anyway?

Gonzo:
Oh, uh... Good question. Now technically speaking, uh, let's say, put me down as a whatever.

Noah:
What do you mean? What is your species?

Gonzo:
Uh, well, I, I, I... I don't know. I guess there's only one of me.

Noah:
[Steps back, then points at gonzo] THEN YOU ARE DOOMED! [he walks inside, closing the door on Gonzo]

Gonzo:
Wait. Wait! Oh. Huh?

Noah:
[opens the door] Um...

Gonzo:
Yes, sir?

Noah:
You may need this. [grabs an umbrella to Gonzo, then closing the door on him again]

Gonzo:
But, but, but, but... [opens the umbrella, causing to rain] Oh! [screaming in fear] NOOO!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!! No! No! No! I don't wannna be alone! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! [dissolve to reality]

Gonzo:
[muttering] No, no, no, no, no, I don’t want to be alone. No, no. [snaps out of his dream, screams] NOOO!!!! [accidentally knocks his best friend Rizzo the Rat out of the hammock, screaming out the window] I DON'T WANNA BE ALONE!!!!!!

Rizzo:
[off-screen] You're not alone.

Gonzo:
[notices rizzo] Who-Who Said That?

Rizzo:
[As The Scene Shows Gonzo Looking Back And Forth Until He Notices The Window, Off-Screen] Gee. I Don't Know. Maybe It's The Rat Who's HANGING OUT OF THE WINDOW!!!!!!!!!

[Miss Piggy runs past Statler and Waldorf]

Statler:
Is breakfast over?

Waldorf:
No, why?

Statler:
Because I think the bacon just ran out.

Pepe:
[comes to the table] The raspberry flap overs will be out in a moment.

Robin:
Hey, Uncle Kermit, what will you do now that you're on vacation?

Kermit:
Well, Robin, once I get those house painters started, l'm gonna kick back and relax.

Pepe:
Kermit? When will you fix the oven, okay?

Kermit:
[confused] What's wrong with the oven? [An explosion is heard in the kitchen. Everyone on the table react to that sound.]

Pepe:
That.

Swedish Chef:
Yurski burski popovers kaboofed!

Kermit:
Yeah... I'll put it on the top of my list...

Pepe:
There is a menu correction, okay? We will now be serving bologna sandwiches. [everyone makes disappointed sounds. Swedish Chef says something to Pepe] But no bread. [Everyone makes a disgusted noise and leaves the table]

[Kermit sees Gonzo coming downstairs looking dejected]

Kermit:
Hey, Gonzo, aren't you performing at that Bar Mitzvah today?

Gonzo:
Nah. Electric Mayhem's covering for me.

Kermit:
[concerned] But, Gonzo, you never miss the chance to get shot out of a cannon. Something wrong?

Gonzo:
No. [beat] It's just that I'm sick and tired of being a one-of-a-kind freak, that's all.

Kermit:
Gonzo, you are 'not a one-of-a-kind freak! You're a... [falters]

Gonzo:
[annoyed] A whatever?

Kermit:
Well... yeah!

Gonzo:
You see?! See what I mean? I don't even know where I came from, or who I am!

Clifford:
Yo, Kerm.

Kermit:
Hmm?

Clifford:
You weren't expecting some house painters, were you?

Kermit:
Yeah, why?

Clifford:
They're just driving away.

Kermit:
What?!

Clifford:
Animal bit one of them!

Kermit:
Oh no! [The car engine of the house painters truck starts] Wait, guys! Don't let them go! [turns to Gonzo] You know what I think you are, Gonzo?

Gonzo:
What?

Kermit:
Distinct. [turns to run to the door to try and stop the painters] Wait, guys! He didn't mean it! He's just a musician!

Animal:
Musician! Musician! Musician! [Gonzo looks over at photos of the Muppets with their respective family members, before coming to photo of himself, alone]

Gonzo:
[depressed] Distinct, huh? More like extinct... [pours the alphabet cereal in the bowl, but spills a little bit on the table] Oops. [looks at the letters spinning around, then making the words, saying, "Watch The Sky"] "Watch the sky"? Hey! Hey! Rizzo, come here. I think my Kap'n Alphabet is sending me a message.

Rizzo:
[While holding a plate with bologna] I know what you mean. I had some guacamole and it's still taking to me.

Gonzo:
No. No. Really. Look. Look. I'm not kidding. [looking at the letter cereals] It was there just a second ago. I swear, Rizzo. It said, "Watch the sky."

Rizzo:
Are you sure it didn't say "You need help?"

Gonzo:
But, but...

Rizzo:
Maybe you and your cereal would like to be alone. [takes the plate of ] Oh, hey! ? My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R...?

Gonzo:
[he pours the cereal the bowl with letters, then grabbing a telescope] Cool. Huh? [he looks at the letters, then making the words, saying, "R U There"] "Are you there?" [calling out] RIZZOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Gonzo:
[excited] Hey, guys! The Cosmic Fish have spoken to me: I'M FROM OUTER SPAAAAAAAACE!

Rizzo:
[not listening] Yeah, yeah, that's great - Pepe, are you in or out?

Pepe:
I'm in.

Gonzo:
Remember guys, I built this new Jacuzzi for my alien family, so no eating in the spa.

Rizzo:
[guiltily] We gotta tell him the truth, Pepe.

Pepe:
You tell him, and I will smack you. I will smack you like a bad, bad donkey, okay!

Johnny:
Sal.

Sal:
Yeah, Johnny?

Johnny:
There are no cannolis!

Sal:
Yeah, [holds up a slice of cake] but try this cake, this is a beauty!

Johnny:
That is nice! Would you... [sees Gonzo, panics;] Gonzo, Gonzo! [Sal and Johnny turn away as Gonzo approaches]

Gonzo:
Go easy on the buffet, fellas, I just want... [stops, seeing the cake cut and gets shocked] Who...cut...the cake? WHO CUT THE CAKE?! WHO CUT IT?!?!

Johnny [feigning outrage] Oh, look at that!

Sal:
[feigning outrage] Who cut this cake?!

Johnny:
That's awful. They would've done... [walks off with Sal]

Gonzo:
The guests of honor aren't even here yet!

Fozzie:
Hey, great party!

Gonzo:
[sighs] Yeah... [looks up at the sky] I just wish they'd get here.

Sal:
[in the background] Hey, you! Did you cut Gonzo's cake?

Pepe:
You said you going to tell him, okay?

Rizzo:
Pepe, the Jacuzzi thing was your idea, and you have to tell him!

Pepe:
[beat] Si, I will tell him, okay?

[Gonzo appears on TV]

Clifford:
You better get down there, Kerm.

Kermit:
Relax, no one is going anywhere, okay?

Gonzo:
[on TV] You see, I was contacted through my breakfast cereal, and it was confirmed by the Cosmic Fish that I am from outer space.

Rizzo:
[to Kermit] So, you wanna go now, or wait for the commercial?

Kermit:
...Now. [gets off the couch]

Kermit:
Listen, aren't you taking this alien thing a little too far?

Gonzo:
Kermit, I realize that it may be hard for you to accept me as an alien... But I didn't choose to be one. And, well, I've always had alien tendencies - this just makes sense to me!

Miss Piggy:
[to the agents taking Gonzo and Rizzo away] Hey, studmuffin, hold it!

Agent Barker:
[to the other agent] I'll deal with her.

Miss Piggy:
[sarcastically] Oh, ha-ha you'll deal with moi? Look, chumpo, I'm just trying to get a story okay.

Agent Barker:
How about this story? It's about a big bad wolf and a little pig.

Miss Piggy:
No, that's three pigs okay.

Agent Barker:
[menacingly] Not in this version.

Miss Piggy:
[frowns] Hey, Wait a minute, you're not part of an alien-protection agency! Who are you? Where are you taking Gonzo?! [He grabs her arm] hey! [A stand off between Miss Piggy and Agent Barker] Hi-yah!

Agent Barker:
I'm impressed! [Knocks down a standing post] Black belt, third degree.

Miss Piggy:
Hi-yah! [Knocks down wooden stand] Platinum belt, with an unlimited line of credit.

Agent Barker:
[grins] I like this party!

Miss Piggy:
Oh, ahh, tough guy, tough guy, ha-ha!! Come on, show me, show me! Oh, look, Cindy Crawford.

Agent Barker:
Huh?

Miss Piggy:
Hi-yah! [She hits him in the stomach] ha-ha-ha!

Agent Barker:
[chuckles] Where have you been all my life?

Miss Piggy:
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!! [They start dancing around until Agent Barker punches her in the face] Is that all you got?! [Miss Piggy keeps saying it after each punch on her nose until Agent Barker grabs her head and gives her a noogie] Not the noogie! HI!!!! [She punches him in the crotch and then he lets her go] Eh!

Agent Barker:
Ooh! [He falls on his knees] Oooooooooooooooh! [He tumbles to the ground]

Miss Piggy:
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! MAMA!!!!!!

[Later, on the set of UFO Mania Live]

Agent Barker:
[tied up] ...That's all I know!

Miss Piggy:
Okay, okay, so, let me get this straight now: This government agency, C.O.V.N.E.T., has abducted Gonzo, and taken him to its top-secret facility?

Agent Barker:
Yes, Miss Piggy.

Miss Piggy:
Well, thank you, darling. You've been most helpful. [excited] At last! [knocks over Barker] A real story! Intrigue, danger, new outfits, and it's mine, mine, mine! All mine! [runs off, then comes back, looking directly into the camera] Oh, come on, please, you think Ted Koppel never gets excited?

Miss Piggy:
Listen, everyone, listen. I've got great news! Gonzo has been kidnapped by the government, and it could be a life-threatening situation! [Everyone gasps in horror]

Kermit:
How can that be "great news"?

Miss Piggy:
Because... I've got the story! I've got the story! [gasps] I need to change! [runs up the stairs] Something that says, "Journalistic integrity"! Oh, I've gotta pee!

Kermit:
Oh, brother!

Fozzie:
What are we gonna do?

Kermit:
Okay, guys, it's up to us: We have to save Gonzo from a whole army of government agents!

Fozzie:
Well... I have a joke book.

Animal:
Drumsticks! Drumsticks!

Pepe:
I have some loose Jell-O, okay? [holds it up and wiggles it]

Kermit:
...Okay, well, that settles that. In circumstances like this, there's only one place to turn...

[Rizzo is in a rat maze in a laboratory with other rats]

Bubba:
[to Rizzo] Hey, Riz. Watch out for those red coicles.

Rizzo:
What red circles? I don't see any... [is all of a sudden electrocuted and is launched into the air]

Bubba:
Nobody ever listens...

Rizzo:
All right, that does it - We're busting out of this joint, boys!

Bubba:
No,Riz, no, even if we got over the wall, we couldn't turn the doorknob.

Rizzo:
Who needs doorknobs? [lifts up his "Mice Girls" poster to reveal a hole, while the other rats gape in shock]

Kermit:
We gotta get through that door.

Fozzie:
Should we just ask permission from those nice men with the rifles?

Kermit:
[exasperated] Fozzie, those are the bad guys!

[Everyone falls into a pile after becoming invisible]

Pepe:
Come on, Kermit. I will help you up, okay. [beat] Why, Kermit, you're so soft and plump...

Miss Piggy:
[threateningly] You got one second to get your hands off me, shrimp.

Pepe:
[mortified] Sorry, Piggy!

Dr. Van Neuter:
Let's see here... Have you ever experienced any achiness in your tentacles?

Gonzo:
I don't have tentacles!

Dr. Van Neuter:
Good, no achy tentacles, good... Head ever come off?

Gonzo:
No, I don't think so.

Dr. Van Neuter:
Good, good, good. Any gingivitis?

Gonzo:
No.

Dr. Van Neuter:
Great. What about problems with that beaky thing you've got there? Itching, swelling, flaking?

Gonzo:
Well, some flaking a couple years ago-

Dr. Van Neuter:
[throws away clipboard] Oh, who cares? It's showtime!

[The Muppets try to escape using the "Door in a Jar", but it only creates a door too small for them to get through]

Kermit:
Gee, that's disappointing...

Miss Piggy:
[sarcastic] Perfect. Somebody knock and see if Barbie's home.

Pepe:
Works for me. Adios! [uses the door]

Rizzo:
What?! [runs after him, but is unable to open the door] Oh, I cannot believe that little shrimp left us behind! [Pepe opens up a larger door next to them]

Pepe:
I am not a shrimp - I am a king prawn! Let's go, let's go! Come on!

Miss Piggy:
Midnight the lone Alien stands before a naked Sky the moon is tense my hair looks great!.

Shelly Snipes:
What?!

Shelly Snipes:
I don't believe this!.

Miss Piggy:
Oh! Uh, Shelly.

Shelly Snipes:
You back stabbing underhanded little coffe pig.

Miss Piggy:
What?

Shelly Snipes:
This is my show, my story, my microphone [Shelly takes the microphone and the camera man starts filming her instead of Miss Piggy] This is Shelly Snipes reporting please ignore this little sow [Miss Piggy takes back the microphone and the camera man starts filming her again]

Miss Piggy:
Disregard this women I don't know what-- [Shelly pulls her ear] AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! Hi-yah! [She hits her in the stomach and tackles her]

Both:
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Miss Piggy:
[She raps her legs around Shellys head] Wah! [She gets up but Shelly grabs her hair and pulls her down] Wah! Yah! [her legs go flying through the air] [Shelly also pounds miss piggy then gets up and spits out a weave from miss piggy until she gets sprayed by her]

Shelly snipes:
What am I doing?

Miss Piggy:
Um, you are about to give me your job and give everyone here a cup of coffee.

Shelly Snipes:
Oh yes of course right away.

Miss Piggy:
I love this stuff.

Singer:
[to himself] Where is he?

Agent Rentro:
I didn't overhear anything...

Singer:
[looks up] Did I ask you if you overheard anything?

Agent Rentro:
[guilty] No, sir.

Singer:
Because if you did overhear anything, l'm sure you would tell me.

Agent Rentro:
Yes, sir.

Singer:
Or do I have to remind you of Mr. Jumbo's Circus Town and Wild Animal Revue? [Rentro looks afraid] [angrily] Where's he going?! [Rentro stays silent] Oh, look; Sunday's half price at the petting zoo...!

Agent Rentro:
Okay, okay! They're going to Cape Doom!

Singer:
Good, good. Get me the Subatomic Neutro-Destabilizer. [Rentro looks at him blankly] The Subatomic Neutro... [gives up] Oh, the really big gun.

Agent Rentro:
The really big gun! Yes, sir! The really big gun... [retrieves it from a secret compartment, and hands it to Singer] Really big gun.

Singer:
[holds out hand] Clip.

Agent Rentro:
[hands it to him] Clip!

[Singer loads the gun]

Singer:
Let's head for my car.

Agent Rentro:
[stops] Oh. Problem there, sir. [Singer stops] Remember those parking tickets you asked me to take care of for you? And I said that-

Singer:
Oh, just say it.

Agent Rentro ...Car's impounded. [Singer glares at him] Oh, we can take my company car!

Singer:
...Fine.

Agent Rentro:
Great!

[After Singer's gun fails to fire at Gonzo and his family]

Kermit:
[relieved] That was a close one.

Agent Rentro:
Not as close as you think, my friend. [holds up gun clip] [imitating gun:] "Please load weapon"!

[last lines]

Gonzo:
What a great day! That was probably the best day of my whole life! [pause] But, there's one' thing I don't understand.

Kermit:
What's that, Gonzo?

Gonzo:
Why did they ask me to build a Jacuzzi?

[Pepe chuckles]