Murder in Suburbia

[Ash and Scribbs watch DCI Sullivan walk to his car]

Scribbs:
If he turns out to be gay, I'm going to shoot myself.

[Ash and Scribbs have reported their progress to DCI Sullivan]

Scribbs:
Wasn't he wearing that shirt yesterday?

Ash:
[pulling a coin out of her pocket] Heads, his washing machine's broken. Tails, he's a dirty stop-out.

[tosses the coin]

Scribbs:
Well?

Ash:
You don't want to know.

[Ash and Scribbs have arrived at a school to interview the Headmaster - the bell rings and Scribbs starts running]

Ash:
What are you doing?

Scribbs:
Sorry. Force of habit.

[Ash and Scribbs have just interviewed a school Headmaster about his murdered secretary]

Scribbs:
He convinced me.

Ash:
Bet that's not the first time you made a Headmaster cry.

[Scribbs has been to a clothing consultant]

Scribbs:
They look at your hair and your skin tone, and decide what colour your clothes should be.

Ash:
So what did they say about you?

Scribbs:
That I was an "autumn" - that I look best wearing subdued tones.

Ash:
Subdued?

Scribbs:
Tones. Apparently bright colours don't suit me. The mistake I made was dressing as a "summer". Which is why I've been attracting the wrong kind of men.

Ash:
So you're saying the right kind of man's attracted to a woman in a mushroom-brown outfit?

Scribbs:
D'you think I look a bit...?

Ash:
No, Scribbs, you look fine. You look absolutely fine.

Scribbs:
Honest?

Ash:
Well, actually...

Scribbs:
Truth.

Ash:
You look like a fungus!

Ash:
What's my single, most important rule about men, Scribbs?

Scribbs:
Uh, they mustn't be married?

Ash:
No, the other one.

Scribbs:
No bad boys.

Ash:
Because?

Scribbs:
They're bad.

Ash:
And?

Scribbs:
They're boys.

Ash:
What are my rules about fun?

Scribbs:
Not here, not now?

[Ash and Scribbs are questioning William Marshal about the death of Christine Archer who had been due to give evidence about Marshal's fierce Rottweiler dog, Angel]

William Marshal:
[sobbing] I just want my dog. I just want my Angel back.

[discussing the interview afterwards]

DI Kate 'Ash' Ashurst:
He was actually crying over a dog.

DS Emma 'Scribbs' Scribbins:
I think it's sweet - it shows his sensitive side. Makes him look all vulnerable.

DI Kate 'Ash' Ashurst:
Makes him look all Sectionable.

[Ash and Scribbs are interviewing Malcolm Eysher at home when his wife Fiona walks into the room]

Fiona Eysher:
I thought you two had finished with us.

DI Kate 'Ash' Ashurst:
We just need to ask your husband some delicate questions.

Fiona Eysher:
Go ahead - just imagine I'm not here.

Malcolm Eysher:
[bitterly] I tried that years ago - doesn't work.

[to Ash, as they are driving to the scene of a murder]

DS Emma 'Scribbs' Scribbins:
Dead estate agent. At least something's gone all right today.

[Ash and Scribbs want to question Jeremy Stamford, about the murder of his colleague Phil Jakes]

Jeremy Stamford:
I'd love to talk to you but I'm stressfully busy at the moment. Waiting for some important clients, Mr and Mrs R Sole.

[he suddenly realises that the name spells Arsehole and that this is a prank by Phil]

Jeremy Stamford:
Sh*t! Sh*t! Bloody bastard! Bloody hell!

Scribbs:
D'you think there's some kind of IQ test you have to *fail* to become an estate agent?

Ash:
Yeah. It's the same test all my ex-boyfriends failed.

[talking about a murder suspect whose house they have just left]

Scribbs:
Phew! It's a relief to be out in the fresh air.

Ash:
Scribbs, you're all heart. Well, she's bereaved and she's moving - that's about as stressful as it gets.

Scribbs:
She's odd.

Ash:
True. Shocking carpets.

Scribbs:
Not *technically* a criminal offence.

Ash:
Well, it should be.

[talking about a murder victim]

Ash:
D'you want to know what Pennyless Phil was doing online all Monday afternoon?

Scribbs:
Does it involve women with large breasts?

Ash:
You know, your insight into the male psyche never fails to amaze me. He was on Hot Girlz with a Z for two-and-a-half hours, then on the football results of course, and then back to the Hot Girlz chatroom for 20 minutes.

Scribbs:
Those online relationships really stand the test of time.

Ash:
So there's three key motivating factors to any murder. Desire, despair and need. So for example, I'm in a queue at the bank, and I need to be served, and I despair because the idiot in front of me is telling the cashier his entire life story, and I very much desire that he dies now. What's the matter?

Alex:
That's all you ever talk about.

Ash:
Sorry?

Alex:
Murder, death. I don't know how you can stand it.

Ash:
It's my job.

Alex:
[Begins crying] I don't think this is gonna work.

Ash:
What, do you mean us? Well, there's other stuff I do, apart from the gruesome stuff. You know, there's fraud, car theft... robbery, armed robbery. [sighs] I'm not being funny, Alex, but you're the one who's breaking up with me, so, shouldn't I be doing that?

Alex:
[Sobs] I can't help it. I hate breaking up, even when it's my idea.

[at the wedding of Milly's son, the bride's father has been murdered]

Milly Goodman:
At my nephew's wedding they had a Wurlitzer in the garden. Something tells me we've just topped that!