My Best Friend's Girl

Tank:
[sitting watching "Ghost" and crying] God, I'm a fag.

Tank:
She's gonna cry tears that form "call Dusty".

Professor Turner:
The truth will set you free but before it does; It's gonna piss you off!

Tank:
I would kick you in the ass, but my foot might get sucked in.

Alexis:
Well I would kick you in the dick, but my foot might get Herpes.

Professor Turner:
One of my teaching assistants and a very, very hard working woman.

[teaching assistant exits]

Professor Turner:
Last night I f***ed her to within an inch of her life. True story. I'm champin' her, head through the headboard, and I flip her over and she screams give me a choker. I play the choir boy and say what's that? Starwiped her five minutes later and she's bugging like an epileptic at a strobe light convention. Now I'm getting scared and as I'm working out the 911 phone call in my head she goes [makes farting noise motioning away from mid section] like an airbag. And that was Tuesday night.

Tank:
The only funny thing that will ever come out of you, is me!

Tank:
I tried like a motherf***er to follow you in. But this door does like a lock thing when you are inside. Anyway here is what I'm thinking, we start with a blow job. I turn what most girls think is a chore into a training session.

Tank:
Is that your phone? Want to Answer your phone? Or are you most interested in me right now? Answer your phone! Oh no wait that is my phone.

Tank:
How was I suppose to know it was your sister? How was I suppose to know? It was dark, I was drunk and I thought it was you. Oh she's pregnant,too? You tell your sister, I will make a donation to planned parenthood in her honor.

Tank:
She could use a little more famine and a little less fried.

Rachel:
Tank, okay since you have yet to ask me anything at all. I should tell you a little bit about myself, I'm a social worker, yea I know what you are thinking, It is challenging work but so important.

Tank:
Woah, woah there big time. I'm a customer satisfaction rep at Airmeister air filtration systems. That is important work because without air, we cannot live.

Tank:
Look at you all white and thin. I bet if I laid you on this bar she could snort you.

Tank:
Whats the plan for tonight? Bring this girl back here. Pop open a bottle of chloroform. Insert tab A in slot b, repeat as necessary.

Tank:
[Holding up number from Alexis, who he just met] Daddy bee's got the honey.

Ami:
If "ifs" and "buts" were c*cks and nuts, I'd be getting gang banged right now.

Ami:
Pretend it is a year aboard. Instead of going to Europe. You are just going to bang a shitload of dudes.

Alexis:
She's my roommate.

Tank:
I bet she gives great head.

Dwalu:
Treat her like a bowling ball [likes three fingers] STRIKE!

Tank:
How do I bump into her?

Craig:
She's a high school English teacher.

Tank:
I can't really hang around high school these days unfortunately.

Tank:
You are what we call a two bagger. That means I wear a bag on my head, just in case the one in you breaks.

Tank:
[Addressing Alexis] Well at least I can hide my shame in my pants. What really sucks is having the ass the size of a miniature Mediterranean donkey.

Dustin:
What about frosting my tips?

Tank:
What are you, a mini wheat?

Tank:
[after Dustin's eyebrow has been buzzed off] We can fix this right?

Burt:
Oh sure, why don't we just pop back into my DeLorean.

Professor Turner:
She f***s like an epileptic at a strobe light convention.

Professor Turner:
Making love? what is wrong with you? what is this some red book interview?

Hilary:
You're like the anti-cupid.

Professor Turner:
See I always knew your mom was the best it was ever going to get for me. And I never asked the more important question which is, was I the best it was ever going to get for her?

Tank:
I would part you like the red sea and let you call me Moses. I would open you up like a public pool on memorial day.

Tank:
What do you call that stuff AJ?

AJ:
"Afganhi cusho kryptonite".

Tank:
Killed Superman - I'm just a man

Ami:
You really like a super special kind of a**hole?

Tank:
And I ride the special kind of a**hole bus to school.

Tank:
I bet back in the day you were one hot slice of f***berry pie.

Merrilee:
You bet your sweet ass I was.

Tank:
You can stop trying to be clever Alexis because the funniest thing that will ever come out of you is me.

Tank:
If I do this I'm gonna make it the finest tanking of my career, my bloody f***ing masterpiece. Dusty she's going to lose her sh*t like a sh*t collector with amnesia. I'm talking about a Turkish twist epic mind F*** of a tanking. Ok? Her brain is going to be rocking back and forth in the shower for like 3 weeks [makes whimpering noise] . Ok? I'm talking about demonic f***ing Tank. I'm going to be flying up into the sky. She's going to cry tears that form call Dusty on the ground. Yes? Am I doin' it? Tell me I'm doin' it!

Heavily Pierced Kid:
Welcome to Cheesus Crust where pizza's a religious experience. How may I ordain your order?

Tank:
How is the Pizza of Nazareth?

Heavily Pierced Kid:
People worship it.

Hilary:
I am deeply offended.

Tank:
I know these prices are outrageous which is why I carry my Flavor Savior Card; fifteen percent off to those who eat here religiously.

Kindly Stripper:
When it comes to love, there is only one thing you can trust. It's not your friends. It's not your head. Its that little voice inside your clamburger. [In a different voice] Listen to me

Tank:
Look at me. You look like Chewbacca and Sasquatch had a baby, and that baby took a sh*t, and that sh*t was blinded in a knife fight moments before styling your hair.

Tank:
Weddings, they get me hot and hard know what I'm sayin'? What you got goin' on down there? BOOM!, I want that in my f***in' mouth.

Ami:
Hey, Alexis sent me to go look for ya so let's go.

Tank:
Just havin' a little chit chat with my friend. Takin' a breather, breathing. F***in' goddamn what do ya call that sh*t AJ?

AJ:
Afghani kush krytonite.

Tank:
Kryptonite killed Superman, I'm just a man.

Ami:
You really are like a super special kind of a**hole, aren't you?

Hilary:
You people are sinners!

Heavily Pierced Kid:
You people should have thought about that nineteen years ago before you stopped my mother from going into that clinic! Have a blessed day.

Tank:
Yet, I am concerned that you've had a few too many drinks and now your fingers are in this bowl like it's one of your sorority sisters.

Tank:
I mean, baby, get your head in the game. Nothing tastes as good as looking good.

Tank:
Easy, Urlacher. Ever notice it's the linebackers concerned with people not eating? If the p*ssy police here would stop ordering her french fries tempura...

Claire:
I just had a child!

Tank:
Well, congratulations. I'm sure he was probably delicious. Looks like you downed the whole thing.

Tank:
[to Alexis' mother] So, are we gonna do this or what?

[Stands up, steps in front of Alexis' mom and drops his pants] Come on, it's not gonna suck itself!

Dustin:
You need to get her back.

Tank:
But I don't deserve her.

Dustin:
No, you do. Tank, if you were willing to give her up, trust me, you deserve her.

Tank:
That's f***ed up. You're right. She's my angel and it's time she knew.

Dustin:
Yes. So what's stopping you?

Tank:
I propositioned her mother for a blow job.