My Fellow Americans

Joe Hollis:
Well, Kaye. What an unexpected and bloodcurdling surprise.

Kaye Griffin:
You just know how to make a girl get all gooey inside, don't you. What have you heard about the Kramer scandal?

Joe Hollis:
Not a word. Now if you'll excuse me, my salad's getting cold.

Rita:
What you looking at? You been down to that farmer's market lately? It's brutal.

Joe Hollis:
Wait a minute. Is that President Kramer holding a gun on a naked guy in a blindfold?

Matt Douglas:
Well, I don't think you had anything to do with Charlie's death, but I'm pretty sure you're involved in this mess somehow.

Russell Kramer:
I'm involved? But, what about you? You were the one sittin' in the car next to a dead man.

Matt Douglas:
Well, now you know. I enjoy spending time with dead men. You don't believe me? Go ahead and die. It'll perk me right up.

Tanner:
Hello, sirs. No need for concern. It's only me... the twisted psycho.

Margaret Kramer:
Don't do that with the liquor, Russ. It's so... George Bush.

Russell Kramer:
Hail to the chief, he's the chief and he needs hailing. He is the chief, so everybody hail like crazy. Hail to... that's more or less how it...

Matt Douglas:
Look, Joanna, if the book goes, if it doesn't go, I don't really care. I'm only writing it 'cause, frankly, I don't know what else to do.

Joanna:
I'm sure you've got plenty of options.

Matt Douglas:
Not really. But I'll tell you one thing, I'll never be like Kramer, running around the country sucking up every dime that isn't nailed down. Now Jimmy Carter, there's a class act. He goes around building homes for poor people with his own hands. That's classy.

Joanna:
Well, you could do that.

Matt Douglas:
Yeah, yeah. Maybe in a couple of years, but, uh, right now, my attitude is, they didn't vote for me, let 'em freeze.

Russell Kramer:
Did you ever have one of her pizzas?

Matt Douglas:
Oh.

Russell Kramer:
It was like a wet dream with a crust.

Matt Douglas:
A wet dream?

Russell Kramer:
Huh?

Matt Douglas:
I don't think I need to hear Russell P. Kramer saying the words "wet dream." I'll wake up screaming every night 'til I die.

Russell Kramer:
There was only one assassination attempt on me. You had three.

Matt Douglas:
Two. The woman in Phoenix doesn't count. She only had a starter pistol.

Russell Kramer:
I was Time Magazine's Man of the Year.

Matt Douglas:
So was Hitler.

Russell Kramer:
Not twice.

Man in bathroom:
It's an honor, sir.

Matt Douglas:
I can't shake right now. Have to keep my hands on the First Penis.

Russell Kramer:
It's a kick in the balls. Sorry, sweetheart.

Margaret Kramer:
Please, I'm a politician's wife. I have a set of my own.

Russell Kramer:
Oh, yeah, I'm about to share my coffee with the Washington Love Machine. No dice. You could spit in a Petri dish and start a whole new civilization.

Russell Kramer:
When this is over, promise me we'll come back and look for my balls.

Matt Douglas:
Decaf. You p*ssy.

Matt Douglas:
Hail to the chief, if you don't, I'll have to kill you. I am the chief, so you better watch your step, you bastards.

Matt Douglas:
Let's stop talking. We're about to bond. It'll make me vomit.

Russell Kramer:
Well, as usual, the Republican comes up with a plan while the Democrat just aimlessly wanders in the woods.

Genny:
Wel... , uh, I'm sorry about that, sir. We're Republican.

Matt Douglas:
Well, at least you can admit it. That's the first step towards recovery.

Matt Douglas:
You're a whore. Admit it. Admit you're a big whore. Go ahead.

Russell Kramer:
Name three women from the District of Columbia that you didn't bang when you were in office -- what am I talking about? Name one.

Matt Douglas:
Screw you.

Russell Kramer:
Blow me.

Margaret Kramer:
Don't say "freaking", Russ. If you have to use the "F" word, go for the gold.

Russell Kramer:
Kaye. What a... lovely surprise. And how is my favorite television newsperson?

Kaye Griffin:
Oh, I'm your favorite? I thought Diane Sawyer was your favorite.

Russell Kramer:
She is. How is she?

Matt Douglas:
I hate these funerals. It's just awful when another good Democrat passes on.

Matt Douglas:
Oh, well, then it might not be so bad.

Russell Kramer:
When you were in the White House, who was the person you were most excited to meet?

Matt Douglas:
Nelson Mandella.

Russell Kramer:
I'm not a reporter.

Matt Douglas:
Ella Fitzgerald.

Russell Kramer:
Ah.

Matt Douglas:
Mandella was a great man, but he couldn't sing worth a sh*t.

Matt Douglas:
That went a little too easy. You guys are getting soft.

Greg:
Mr. President, once again, we really wish you wouldn't do that. You put yourself at great risk, sir.

Matt Douglas:
Oh, yeah, right. Let me ask you something. In all the years ex-presidents have had Secret Service protection, has there ever been even one assassination attempt on any of 'em?

Chet:
Uh, no, sir.

Matt Douglas:
I find that sad. The minute you're out of office they don't care enough about you to kill you anymore. People are FICKLE.

Greg:
Sir, uh, before we go in, Chet and I would really like to know how you got out of that bathroom stall without us seeing.

Matt Douglas:
Why don't you guys just relax? Take a night off. Go rent "In The Line of Fire" again.

Matt Douglas:
A cookbook. He wrote a cookbook. How dare he?

Joanna:
Well, you know, when he was President, he did cook for his guests all the time.

Matt Douglas:
That's not the point. Did George Washington write a book called "Your Wooden Teeth and You?" Did William Howard Taft write "Thirty Days To A Slimmer Ass?" It's shameful, just shameful.

Matt Douglas:
We're never getting to Ohio, not the way this guy drives. Every 500 feet, they stop to take another damn picture. The Donner Party moved faster.