Mysterious Ways

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
What you do is... weird.

Declan Dunn:
I know, but you still want to know, don't you? [smiling]

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
Yes, well, I think that life's full of miracles; drive down a private street, find a parking space.

Declan Dunn:
What about Matt? [holding up a news paper about the boy who almost drowned]

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
I think what happened to Matt is extraordinary, but when you say it's the Hand of God, then I got questions.

Declan Dunn:
Such as what?

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
Like why God chose to revive Matt but yet he'd let another child drown.

Declan Dunn:
I guess that all depends on what you think the real miracle is, doesn't it?

Luther Skoals:
God don't care what goes on in here, father. No offense, but he don't care much what goes on in the outside world either. For what I've seen my whole life, you're on your own. And if your poor, it's even worse. One mistake, you end up here, no fair trial, no decent lawyer.

Declan Dunn:
[taken aback] What mistake?

Father Perry:
Declan...

Declan Dunn:
Is that what you call what you did to her?

Luther Skoals:
I was only trying to rob her. She's the one who put up the fight.

Declan Dunn:
Then you shot her.

Luther Skoals:
She should have given me the money.

Declan Dunn:
That's not a mistake... that's murder.

Father Perry:
Declan...

Luther Skoals:
Come on, man, if I was some Hollywood millionaire, some pro-ball player, I'd be out on the golf course right now chipping off that ol' green.

Declan Dunn:
Didn't you say, if he hit the tree at the right angle it would sufficiently, or at least, substantially decrease his airspeed? Right?

Miranda Feigelsteen:
I said a little. But it is possible that a lot of a littles could add up to a little bit more than a little.

Declan Dunn:
A lot?

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Enough.

Declan Dunn:
[wracked with guilt] Not only did I push him too far, but in the wrong direction. I mean, look at him! He's a mess!

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
[consoling Declan] Declan, wait a second. Are you saying to prove that he was pushed in the wrong direction, the Big Kahuna got him fired and gave him a staph infection?

Miranda Feigelsteen:
[puzzled] The Big Kahuna?

Declan Dunn:
Okay, okay, he bounced off the building, and that slowed him down a little, right? [to Miranda]

Miranda Feigelsteen:
A little.

Declan Dunn:
Then he bounced off the tree and slowed him down even more, right?

Miranda Feigelsteen:
A little.

Declan Dunn:
How much is a little?

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Less than a lot.

Declan Dunn:
How much-how much less than a lot?

Miranda Feigelsteen:
A little. [Declan walks away frustrated]

Miranda Feigelsteen:
People call me weird... [watching Declan throw pieces of toilet paper into the air, watch them fall and stick his finger in the air]

Declan Dunn:
That's because you are weird.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Declan, George is heavier than a piece of toilet paper.

Declan Dunn:
Believe it or not, I knew that. I talked to all the shop owners up and down the street here and they say this street is like a virable wind tunnel; comes ripping down here. so I called the Weather Channel, right.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
You have that number?

Declan Dunn:
Of course. I love the weather.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Yeah, weather's cool.

Declan Dunn:
Yeah, it is.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
How's your butt?

Declan Dunn:
All right. I mean, it's sore. How's yours? [not thinking]

Miranda Feigelsteen:
What? My butt's fine.

Declan Dunn:
His name is Moe. He-he-he has a bad foot and a bad ear and bad teeth and really bad breath and gas, but he's a cute dog and if-and if see - [stopping to chase after Peggy]

Declan Dunn:
You don't think it could have anything to do with the books flying off the shelves, do you? Or the furniture moving around by itself?

Peggy Fowler:
We didn't actually see the furniture move. And the books flying off the shelves could be the result of an overactive imagination.

Declan Dunn:
Peggy, the refrigerator was upside down!

Declan Dunn:
One of them was this cat in Jamaica. He claimed he was possessed, so I flew down there to check it out. But this local priest performed an exorcism on him. I was there for it. In the middle of this exorcism, the guy starts lifting off the bed, Peggy. He levitated and I saw it! I was there! My own eyes!

Peggy Fowler:
Jamaica?

Declan Dunn:
Yeah.

Peggy Fowler:
[sarcastically] Hah!

Declan Dunn:
What? You think I was smoking the left-handed cigarette? No! No! I wasn't! Absolutely not!

Declan Dunn:
[playing with one of Miranda's instruments] Anything that moves, shoot it!

Declan Dunn:
[correcting himself] Anything that moves by itself, shoot it on video.

Miranda:
Ahem, Declan?

Declan Dunn:
Yeah?

Miranda:
[annoyed] Stop playing. It's not a toy.

Declan Dunn:
[still playing with Miranda's instrument] Okay.

Miranda:
[losing her patience] Stop playing with my techs!

Peggy Fowler:
You may have partially convinced me there is a higher power at work in the world, but I refuse to believe there is an evil force doing bad work.

Declan Dunn:
What are you talking about? You don't believe in Hell? Is that what you are saying?

Peggy Fowler:
No.

Declan Dunn:
What? No-no come on! You can't have the good without the bad; the Ying/Yang, no free will. [being kicked out of her office]

Peggy Fowler:
If you want Hell, read the morning newspaper.

Miranda:
"'The chicken is undercooked'?" [reading some translations Declan brought]

Declan Dunn:
Some demonic threat, huh?

Prof. Rudy Sullivan:
Miranda, there's always an explanation; we may not be evolved enough to be able to deduce what it is, but, ah, the explanation is there. Has to be.

Declan Dunn:
How you feeling?

Prof. Rudy Sullivan:
You mean, after the initial shock wore off?

Declan Dunn:
Yeah.

Prof. Rudy Sullivan:
A whole 'nother layer of shock underneath.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Surgery Planet. I love Surgery Planet!

Joe Stanislaw Sr.:
You want some advice? [as Sean helps him down the stairs]

J.T. Stanislaw:
No.

Joe Stanislaw Sr.:
Don't grow old.

J.T. Stanislaw:
I'll remember that.

Harry the Super:
This is gonna sound strange.

Declan Dunn:
We love strange!

Declan Dunn:
What? In a hurry, huh? You gotta learn to slow down. Smell the Kibble. [to his dog]

Miranda Feigelsteen:
That's you? [looking at an old photo of Declan as a kid]

Declan Dunn:
Yes.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
You were adorable.

Declan Dunn:
Why do you sound so surprised?

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
You really do keep an open mind, don't you?

Declan Dunn:
Close your mind, miss the fun.

Peggy Fowler:
[talking about the apparition of her dead patient] I want to communicate with him, so I can help him, somehow.

Declan Dunn:
You want to shrink a ghost? That's cool.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
I found an old e-mail from his lawyer. turns out Mike was going to sell the land to a developer who's gonna put a strip mall there.

Declan Dunn:
A strip mall? Hum. What if... what if the animals out there found out about that place?

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Sorry? [confused]

Declan Dunn:
Yeah. What if they found out he was plannin' to turn their home into a strip mall? They got together and they decided to whack him.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Oh, so you're saying the animals overheard Mike talking about selling the land, understood what he was saying, communicated with each other... and they came up with a plan to whack him. Good theory.

Declan Dunn:
Remember that kid I was telling you about the other day?

Miranda Feigelsteen:
The one you put to sleep with your lecture?

Declan Dunn:
He didn't fall asleep because of my lecture. I have a stimulating curriculum.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Okay. So what about him?

Declan Dunn:
Gave a pop quiz, right? He got sixteen out of twenty.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Good.

Declan Dunn:
Sixteen out of twenty wrong, Miranda.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Not good.

Declan Dunn:
One of the questions was: name the 20th century Canadian communications theorist who stated that the media will create the global village. His answer: Yoda.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Yoda's Canadian?

Declan Dunn:
Hey.

Emma Shepard:
Hey!

Declan Dunn:
I went to the zoo but they said you left and came back here.

Emma Shepard:
Yes, I did, sorry. I actually managed to get some pretty good footage. [speaking of a chimp that the zoo was trying to get to breed with another female]

Declan Dunn:
Oh yeah?

Emma Shepard:
Yeah, producers want me to cut something down for the morning show.

Declan Dunn:
Oh yeah?

Emma Shepard:
Um hum.

Declan Dunn:
Cool. Any luck with the chimp?

Emma Shepard:
I'm not sure. He seems to be showing signs of interest in this new female they brought in for him, see? He's giving her his banana.

Declan Dunn:
[Declan blinks and holds back a laugh, then looks at the TV] Huh. For a second I...

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
This is you, your friend Dwayne, and who's this? [pointing at a comic drawing Jonathan made]

Jonathan:
Dwayne's girlfriend Lisa.

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
I thought Dwayne said that he didn't have a girlfriend.

Jonathan:
He's lying.

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
Why do you think he'd lie about that?

Jonathan:
[shrugs his shoulders] By some miracle if I had a girlfriend like that I'd tell the world.

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
You don't think a beautiful girl would be attracted to you?

Jonathan:
Would you be attracted to me? And don't say "Yes" because we both know you'd be lying. Wouldn't even give me a chance; one look and you'd go running.

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
Well, you're not giving yourself much credit.

Jonathan:
Yeah, well, after the five hundredth girl laughs in your face you kind of start to get a complex.

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
Well, why do you think they'd laugh at you? Your looks?

Jonathan:
For starters.

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
Well, do you agree with them? Do you think you look funny?

Jonathan:
Doesn't matter what I think. It won't change a thing. I could buy new cloths, I could change my hair, I could be the most successful business man in the world. Even if people saw my face on the cover of Fortune magazine their first thought would always be the same: what a dork.

Dwayne Banbury:
You don't lower yourself to their level. And maybe some day they'll finally rise to yours.

Dwayne Banbury:
Hey ladies, there's-there's plenty of room at our table. [waving to two attractive girls walking by; they giggle and walk off]

Jonathan:
Are you nuts? Them sit here?

Dwayne Banbury:
If you don't shoot the ball, you won't score.

Declan Dunn:
[on the phone with Miranda] I want to see if you can find any physical explanations for how he survived the fire. You know, run some tests.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Sure. I like working with fire.

Declan Dunn:
[worried] I know. Just do me a favor. Promise me you'll be careful this time.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
[annoyed] Yes, Declan.

Declan Dunn:
Okay, bye.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Bye.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
[smiling] Torch one building and everyone thinks you're a pyro.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
[seeing Declan staring at First Class] Stare all you want. They're not opening the curtains.

Declan Dunn:
I hear laughter up there. Do you hear it?

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Yes. They laugh a lot in First Class.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
[reminiscing] It's a happy joyful place.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Stare all you want - they're not opening the curtain. [to Declan, who is looking at the curtain to First Class]

Declan Dunn:
I hear laughter up there, you hear it?

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Yes, they laugh a lot in First Class. It's a happy joyful place.

Declan Dunn:
I wanna see if you can find any physical explanation for how he survived the fire. You know, some tests.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Sure, I like working with fire.

Declan Dunn:
I know, just do me a favor and promise me you'll be careful this time.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Yes, Declan.

Declan Dunn:
Okay, bye.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Bye. [hangs up the phone] Torch one building and everyone thinks you're a pyro.

Father Perry:
What are you doing? [after Declan pops open a glass vile]

Declan Dunn:
Just a vile; I figure I'd scrap some of that gunk of the Virgin Mary, bring it in, have it analyzed. [speaking of the tears the window pane Virgin Mary cried]

Father Perry:
I really don't think you should be scrapping gunk off the Virgin Mary right now. [looking at people praying at the church window]

Father Perry:
What are you looking for exactly?

Declan Dunn:
Holes in the glass, imperfections, maybe a tiny rigging of some sort.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Optical illusion; somebody plants the blood or what ever it is during the night. Window's up high, nobody spots it until the service and everybody think, "Ahhh, owww, she's crying - it's a miracle".

Father Perry:
It's been quite a week. I kind of hoped it would continue right threw Christmas day and beyond. Here I had this great miracle happening in my parish... and then I didn't. Or did I? I saw some pretty amazing things this week: people who had lived side-by-side for years never talking to each other, suddenly getting together for pot luck suppers; I saw a group of kids cleaning up an abandoned apartment building, fixing it up for the homeless; teenage boys came to confession, in droves and I had to keep the confessional open until ten o'clock last night, telling me they weren't going to be in gangs anymore. So I got to thinking last night: what is a miracle? Isn't it when we see the Hand of God just when we least expect it? And by that definition, we've had one hell of a miraculous week. Let us pray.

Declan Dunn:
You know, some of the stuff we investigate is really strange.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Yes it is.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Maybe this is some kind of telekenetic thing. You know, like Carrie.

Declan Dunn:
Telekenetics move things with their mind, they don't start fires and cause power surges.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Maybe she's pyrokenetic, like Firestarter.

Declan Dunn:
That's it - not lending you any more of my Stephen King novels.

Declan Dunn:
You stopped the bleeding. Where'd you learn that trick?

Peggy Fowler:
Oh, I don't know... medical school?

Declan Dunn:
Oh... right.

Miranda:
Finished the bumper analysis.

Declan Dunn:
Yeah? What did you get?

Miranda:
You've been feeding Mole beer again.

Declan Dunn:
No, I haven't.

Declan Dunn:
[seeing Peggy's confused expression] What? He uses my bumper as a fire hydrant.

Peggy Fowler:
[amazed at Mole's accuracy] How does he hit it?

Miranda:
Exhibit A. Mechanical worksheets on all the buses. Tell me what that number is.

Declan Dunn:
Smudged. Fifty something. Fifty... eight maybe.

Miranda:
Looks like a six.

Declan Dunn:
Three... or eight. Not a six.

Miranda:
Declan, you're blind as a bat. It's a six.

Peggy Fowler:
Let me see. I'm a doctor. I'm an expert on bad handwriting. It's a three.

Peggy Fowler:
[talking about Miranda] I don't get her yet.

Declan Dunn:
What's not to get? Take your I.Q. Double it. Add black velvet and you're halfway there.

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
[discussing Warren's birthmarks] So what, now you believe him?

Declan Dunn:
Hey, come on. You saw his belly. You saw the marks.

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
He has birthmarks on his stomach. Big deal!

Declan Dunn:
In the same exact place Lewis Kane got stabbed? Come on. That's a little bit more than ironic to me.

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
If you give me enough time I can find a murder victim whose wounds match the freckles on my thighs.

Declan Dunn:
[flirting] You have freckles...on your thighs?

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
[blushing] Shut up!

Warren:
[pulling his shirt up] Check it out! Gone! All three of them. Without a trace. That's pretty wild, right? I totally freaked. But then I was like, oh you guys see miracles like these all the time. So, no biggie.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
[amused] Yeah. Disappearing birthmarks.

Declan Dunn:
[bewildered] No biggie.

Warren:
No biggie.

Warren:
You believe me, don't you?

Miranda Feigelsteen:
I believe that you believe that.

Warren:
I mean, this guy's different than me; he's real old. He's like you, he's your age, he's like 40. [talking to Declan]

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
What are you doing? Is this legal? [looking at Miranda accessing information from some online server]

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Do I have to answer that?

Declan Dunn:
Not without your lawyer present.

Declan Dunn:
[gets zapped by Miranda] Yow! God! What was that?

Miranda:
One watt.

Declan Dunn:
Warn me! Ow!

Declan Dunn:
[gets sprayed with water] Miranda, what are you doing?

Declan Dunn:
[gets zapped again] Ouch! Stop it! What was that?

Miranda:
Two watts.

Miranda:
Oh, Declan. Don't be such a baby. It's only three watts.

Peggy Fowler:
What's that?

Miranda:
Ossicles.

Peggy Fowler:
I know what a middle ear is. What's *that*?

Miranda:
Rocket.

Peggy Fowler:
[panics and turns to Declan] Why is she carrying a rocket?

Peggy Fowler:
[turns to Miranda] Why are you carrying a rocket?

Miranda:
I didn't want to leave it in the truck.

Declan Dunn:
A thousand watts, and he lived?

Miranda:
Actually, it's only three to ten percent you die from being struck by lightening. Ninety percent survive.

Declan Dunn:
How do you know that?

Miranda:
The chat room for survivors on the net. Pretty tight club.

Declan Dunn:
Cool. They got their own website, huh?

Miranda:
Yeah, well, paper chewers have their own website, Declan, it's the millennium.

Declan Dunn:
What's a paper chewer?

Miranda:
I don't know.

Peggy Fowler:
Why is she carrying a rocket?

Miranda:
I didn't want to leave it in the truck.

Peggy Fowler:
I think that's a bit of a stretch.

Declan Dunn:
Bit of a stretch? My whole life is a bit of a stretch. What have we been doing since we met?

Peggy Fowler:
I don't think that's a good idea. It could be dangerous.

Declan Dunn:
Yeah, you coming?

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
It's perfectly normal to feel anxiety, but if you don't face your fears, it will consume you. [speaking to Declan, who was robbed at gun point]

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Peggy's right. when I was a child I was afraid of clowns; big noses 'n' the big shoes. I had a panic attack at the circus. Extremely embarrassing. So my parents took me back stage and introduced me to a clown. And he shook my hand and he gave me a balloon. And the balloon popped and scared the hell out of me. I hate clowns.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Did you two...

Declan Dunn:
What?

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Ever have any late night... excavations?

Declan Dunn:
No. No! Well, once.

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
It's not like she has any special powers or anything. You just believe she can give you luck, you alter your behavior and create the good luck.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Like Dumbo and his magic feather. He believed he could fly only if he had his magic feather.

[to Declan who looks confused]

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
That's right, but the feather didn't do anything; he just thought it did. But he could fly all along.

Declan Dunn:
Guys, Dumbo could fly because he had big ears.

Miranda Feigelsteen:
Yeah, that is true. The unique airflow design generated the substantial if needed to counter the weight of a free-falling pachyderm.

Dr. Peggy Fowler:
Guys, I'm trying to make a point here.

Martha Corday:
What is that? [looking at the mark on Declan's dog's stomach after rubbing his belly]

Declan Dunn:
He's a boy. We all have that. [not knowing what she was looking at precisely]

Declan Dunn:
[realizes he and Peggy attended the same college] The Class of '84?

Peggy Fowler:
Yup.

Declan Dunn:
[remembers Peggy] Your hair was shorter!

Peggy Fowler:
Yeah.

Declan Dunn:
You sat in the front row and always argued with him.

Peggy Fowler:
Yeah.

Declan Dunn:
You were a real pain in the ass.

Peggy Fowler:
[laughing] That would be me.

Declan Dunn:
[reminiscing about college] You know, I really wanted to get to know you.

Peggy Fowler:
Really?

Declan Dunn:
Yeah. In fact I was even planning on asking you out.

Peggy Fowler:
[blushing] Oh, really?

Declan Dunn:
My hand to God, true. You know, it took me two weeks to work up the nerve to finally sit next to you.

Peggy Fowler:
[remembering Declan in college] You were the guy who wore those big thick glasses!

Declan Dunn:
I even changed my socks for you.

Peggy Fowler:
[very flattered] Oh, nice.

Lindsay Kasper:
[amused seeing Declan crawling around in her room] You think I climbed through the vent?

Declan Dunn:
[slightly embarrassed] No, he, he. I was just adjusting the... screw, because it...

Lindsay Kasper:
[very amused] He thinks I climbed through the vent.

Declan Dunn:
That would be silly if I thought you went through the vent.

Peggy Fowler:
Yeah.

Lindsay Kasper:
[giggling] Yeah!

Miranda:
[concerned about Lindsay] Kid's going to feel like a science experiment.

Declan Dunn:
No, she's not. We're going to make it fun.

Declan Dunn:
[seeing the blank look on Miranda's face] Fun! You do fun, don't you?

Miranda:
[with a blank look on her face] I can do fun.

Lindsay Kasper:
[seeing Miranda's gadgets in her bedroom] Wow!

Declan Dunn:
Hey! Wow's a good word. Pretty nifty, huh?

Lindsay Kasper:
Yeah!

Declan Dunn:
[gesturing and whispering to Miranda] Make it fun. Make it fun.

Miranda:
This is a... a fun cathode ray magnetometer.

Lindsay Kasper:
Awesome!

Miranda:
[telling Lindsay a bedtime story] Once upon a time, there was a little girl in Portland who produced parts of entangled photons, which demonstrated they could transfer the polarization state from one photon to another.

Declan Dunn:
Hey, Scheherazade. You did it. She's out.

Peggy Fowler:
[to Miranda] You don't like pancakes?

Declan Dunn:
What kind of a person are you? You don't like pancakes?

Miranda:
I had a bad experience once.

Declan Dunn:
You can't change the past. You just... no matter waht you do, try as you might, you know, what's done is done. Strange though, because let's say for-for a second he's telling the truth; his prayers were somehow answered - he was allowed to go back in time. Makes you wonder why. I mean, if you can't change the outcome of things, what's the point of dragging threw all that again, you know?