Nacho Libre

Nacho:
I am the gatekeeper to my own destiny and I will have my glory day in the hot sun.

Nacho:
Chancho, when you are a man, sometimes you wear stretchy pants in your room. Just for fun.

Nacho:
Do you remember that one time when everyone was shouting my name, and I used my strength to rip my blouse?

Nacho:
Underneath the robe you find a man. Underneath the man you find his nucleus.

Nacho:
Get that corn outta my face!

Nacho:
I looked like a fool last night. What took you so long!?

Nacho:
It sucks to be me right now.

Nacho:
I get to sleep alone in my bed every night for the rest of my life. It's fantastic.

Nacho:
Don't you want a little taste of the glory! See what it tastes like!

Nacho:
You are crasssssy!

Nacho:
(singing) When the fantasy has ended, and all the children are gone. Something good inside of me, helps me to carry on. I ate somes bugs, I ate some grass. I used my hand, to wipe my tears. To kiss your mouth, I'd break my vow. No, no, no, no, no, no, way Jose. Unless you want to then, we break our vows together! Encarnaciòn! Encarnaciòn! Encarnaciòn!(diddle-diddle-dee, diddle-diddle-dee) Encarnaciòn!

Nacho:
I know it is fun to wrestle. A nice pile-drive to the face; or a punch to the face; but you cannot do it because it is in the Bible not to wrestle your neighbor.

Nacho:
Tonight, I will fight the seven strongest men in town, maybe the world. And I will win because our heavenly father will be in the ring with me. And he and I will win 10,000 pesos.

Nacho:
[While taking a dump] Those guys were a couple a woosies eh.

Nacho:
Well to tell you the truth.

Nacho:
My life is good. Really good.

Nacho:
[To a boy who doesn't want to eat his food] Be grateful, Juan Pablo. Today is especially delicious.

Nacho:
[To a security guard, when he grabs Nacho's new shirt, at a party] Eh. Let go my blouse.

Nacho:
I like your cow

Nacho:
Pssssst Chancho... I need to borrow some sweatssss. Chancho: are you leaving us? Nacho: No, Chancho, I would never leave you. I just need some sweatssss.)

Nacho:
So anyways, let's get down to the nitty gritty

Nacho:
They don't think I know a butt load of crap about the gospel. But I dooo. Okay?

Nacho:
[To some spectators at his first wrestling match] Save me a piece of that corn for later.

Nacho:
Nachoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

Nacho:
I need professional help. I need Ramses!. He's the baist. I must learn his hwaaaays.

Nacho:
Anaconda Squeeze!

Nacho:
This man lived a good life. He had a wonderful woman, a lush garden,...and a collection of Russian nesting dolls. May he rest in peace.

Nacho:
Okay. Maybe I am not meant for these duties. Cooking duty. Dead guy... duty. Maybe it's time for me to get a better duty!

Nacho:
I don't want to get paid to lose. I wanna win!

Nacho:
They give me no eagle powers! They give me no nutrients

Nacho:
Hey! Take it eeeaasy!

Steven (A.K.A. Eskeleto):
I don't Believe in God, I believe in science

Steven (A.K.A. Eskeleto):
Nacho, I know someone who can help you

Steven (A.K.A. Eskeleto):
Summon your eagle powers!

Steven (A.K.A. Eskeleto):
I think me and my friend are ready to go pro.

Steven (A.K.A. Eskeleto):
How did you get up here so fast?

Steven (A.K.A. Eskeleto):
I don't know why you always have to be judging me, just because I only believe in science.

Steven (A.K.A. Eskeleto):
I hate all the orphans in the whole world!

Steven (A.K.A. Eskeleto):
Not anymore...I like them!

Steven (A.K.A. Eskeleto):
You gave them permission to hurt me like this.

Steven (A.K.A. Eskeleto):
We saw you from the village... People in the village: Hola Nacho!

Steven (A.K.A. Eskeleto):
Dear Lord, please bless Nacho with nutrients and strength. Amen.

Nacho:
I thought you hated all the orphans in the whole world

Esqueleto:
Not anymore...I like them!

Nacho:
It sucks to be me right now!

Esqueleto:
How come?

Nacho:
How come you think? I used to really like Ramses. I wanted to become him! But it turns out, he's a real douche.

Sister Encarnación:
Well, my favorite color is light tan. My favorite animal is poopies. I like serving the lord. Hiking, playing volleyball...

Nacho:
You gotta be kidding me. Everything you just said, is MY favorite thing to do, every day!

Nacho:
I'm not listening to you! You only believe in Science. That's probably why we never win.

Esqueleto:
We never win because you are fat!

Sister Encarnación:
Where are we going, Ignacio?

Nacho:
I saw a bum here, there were two bums actually. And I said to myself, "Let's talk to these guys about the Gospel."

Sister Encarnación:
Well, where are they?

Nacho:
I don't see them. They should be coming back.(Leans against wall and whips head fast)

Sister Encarnación:
Where is your robe, Ignacio?

Nacho:
It was... stinky. But these are my recreation clothes. (Tightens butt)

Sister Encarnación:
They look expensive.

Nacho:
Thank you... (Turns toward Sister Encarnación) I mean, yes! They may have the appearance of riches.(Kneels down) But beneath the clothes, we find a man. And beneath the man, we find, his...nucleus.

Sister Encarnación:
Nucleus?

Nacho:
Yes.

Nacho:
(In low voice) I don't like the way those guys looked at you. (To bums) Hey! Can't you see this woman's a nun?! And if you have a problem with that, then you can just fight me.

Nacho:
Oh, you messed with the wrong guy this time!

Nacho:
Ever seen these moves? (jumps and hisses)

Boy:
Can't we ever have like a salad or something?

Nacho:
Be grateful, Juan Pablo. Today is especially delicious.

Nacho:
Ok. Orphans! Listen to Ignacio. I know it is fun to wrestle. A nice piledrive to the face... or a punch to the face... but you cannot do it. Because, it is in the Bible not to wrestle your neighbour.

Chancho:
So you've never wrestled?

Nacho:
Me? No. Come on. Don't be crazy. I know the wrestlers get all the fancy ladies, and the clothes, and the free creams and lotions. But my life is good! Really good! I get to wake up every morning, at 5AM, and make some soup! It's the best. I love it. I get to lay in a bed, all by myself, all of my life! That's fantastic! Go. Go away! Read some books!

Monk:
What is this?

Nacho:
Leftovers. Enjoy.

Monk:
There is no flavor. There are no spices. Where are the chips?

Nacho:
Somebody stole them.

Monk:
Did you not tell them that they were the Lord's chips?

Nacho:
I was trying to!

Monk:
You are useless Ignacio!

Elderly Monk:
Silence brothers! This is the worst lunch I ever had.

Monk:
Your only job is to cook. Do you not realize I have had diarrhea since Easters?

Nacho:
Ok... Maybe I am not meant for these duties. Cooking duty. Dead guy duty. Maybe it's time for me to get a better duty!

Nacho:
It is true. I am Nacho. Maybe you have seen me on TV. NACHOOOOOOOOOO!

Monk:
Who?

Nacho:
I'm a little concerned right now. About your salvation and stuff. How come you have not been baptized?

Esqueleto:
Because I never got around to it, okay?

Esqueleto:
I don't know why you always have to be judging me, because I only believe in science.

Nacho:
(Walks over to Esqueleto with bowl filled with water doing Father, Son and Holy Spirit Sign.)But tonight, we're going up against Satan's Cavemen and I thought it would be a good idea if you...(stands next to Esqueleto and pushes his head in the bowl which comes back up quickly)...PRAISE THE LORD! Felicidades.

Monk:
Orphans, smile and be happy,for God has blessed us with a new teacher. She hails from the Oaxaca Parish Convent of the Immaculate Hearts. Sisters, ladies, mountains of Guadalupe -- sister Encarnaciòn.

Nacho:
. You son of a b*tch!??? So what I'm only a wrestler. I hope you have Ramsey's sit on your face until eagle eggs come out!

Sister Encarnación:
Where are we going, Ignacio?

Nacho:
I saw a bum here, there were two bums actually. And I said to myself, "Let's talk to these guys about the Gospel."

Sister Encarnación:
Well, where are they?

[Nacho looks around.]

Nacho:
I don't see them. They should be coming back. [leans against wall and whips head fast]

Sister Encarnación:
Where is your robe, Ignacio?

Nacho:
It was... stinky. But these are my recreation clothes. [tightens butt]

Sister Encarnación:
They look expensive.

Nacho:
Thank you... [turns toward Sister Encarnación] I mean, yes! They may have the appearance of riches. [kneels down] But beneath the clothes, we find a man. And beneath the man, we find, his... nucleus.

Sister Encarnación:
Nucleus?

Nacho:
Yes.

[Bums walk by. Nacho leaps up and over to Sister Encarnación.]

Nacho:
[in low voice] I don't like the way those guys looked at you. [To bums] Hey! Can't you see this woman's a nun?! And if you have a problem with that, then you can just fight me.

[Makes his way to the bums. Grabs one bum's jacket and rips it. Turns to face Nacho.]

Nacho:
Oh, you messed with the wrong guy this time!

[Takes shirt off and whips it at Sister Encarnación.]

Nacho:
Ever seen these moves? [jumps and hisses]

[Esqueleto and friends appear with pitchforks. Nacho looks confused. One bum punches Nacho.]

Nacho:
[after his robe catches fire and reveals his stretchy pants] Yes! It's true. I am Nacho, the luchador.

Monk:
Who?

Nacho:
Maybe you have seen me on TV. [pause] NACHOOOOOOOOOO!

Elderly Monk:
No! This is forbidden!

Guillermo:
I knew it. He is not a man of God.

Esqueleto:
Oooh.

Lady:
I forgive you. Come here, soldier.

Esqueleto:
How did you get up here so fast?

Lady:
Shhh! Secret tunnels. Some people say wrestlers make bad lovers, that they save themselves for the ring. [whispers] I love you.

Esqueleto:
Huh?

Lady:
I love you!

I hate all the orphans in the whole world.

Ignacio/Nacho:
[robe catches fire] I smell cookies

Ignacio/Nacho:
I get to lay in a bed by myself, all of my life. It's fantastic.

Ignacio/Nacho:
I went to a wrestling match. Lucha Libre.

Ignacio/Nacho:
Nipple Twist!

Steven (A.K.A. Eskeleto):
I look hideous.

Steven (A.K.A. Eskeleto):
GET OFF ME!

Ignacio/Nacho:
Nachoooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!