Napoléon

Charles Talleyrand:
Well, Marquis, how is this little mission of ours going? We've prepared the ground successfully, I hope?

Marquis de Caulaincourt:
Well, I've been preparing balls, concerts, banquets, hunting parties, firework displays... The Emperor wants to dazzle the Czar with a display of his power. His Majesty says nothing helps negotiations more, especially with a man as civilized as Alexander.

Charles Talleyrand:
Yes, well, the sovereign of Russia may very well be civilized, but his people are not. In France, of course, it's the other way round.

British Officer:
He won't open if you call him General, Sir. He insists on being called by his title.

Hudson Lowe:
Title? Emperor? Majesty? Poppycock. He's Bony the Ogre, and always will be. Knock again!

Napol?on:
The English are calling upon my men to desert by flooding our lines with this drivel. It'll have no effect on them!

Mar?chal Joachim Murat:
I'm not so sure. The men have had enough. Most of the time we have to force them to obey!

Napol?on:
Have the officers discipline them again. That's why they're here.

Mar?chal Joachim Murat:
The officers, they say that you torture your soldiers, and that you will never be able to seize Egypt.

Napol?on:
I have, Murat, Egypt is ours, almost ours. Cairo is a French city. The Nile Delta has been pacified, and all there is left to subjugate a few Turkish regiments.

Mar?chal Joachim Murat:
Turks and Arabs, supported by the English. Be realistic, Bonaparte. We can't go on, especially with the plague on our heels.

Napol?on:
The doctors assured me that the epidemic could be contained.

Mar?chal Joachim Murat:
The doctors can do nothing against fear.

Napol?on:
I can.

Napol?on:
Let me do this, I need you.

Plagued French Soldier:
But General, I can't do anything more for you, I'm dying.

Napol?on:
Precisely.

Joseph Bonaparte:
Listen, listen to them! Just say the word, and you'll have twenty five million French citizens behind you!

Napol?on:
Right now, I'm hungry.

Caroline Bonaparte:
I'm here to bring you Murat's support.

Napol?on:
Murat? Who authorized you to speak for Murat?

Caroline Bonaparte:
He and I love each other.

Napol?on:
Murat is over 30, and you're not yet 20. I don't think our mother will approve. I don't think I will approve!

Sieyes:
My dear fellow, politics isn't war. It takes much longer to say something meaningless, than to fire a gun.

Napol?on:
How should I address you? Monsignor, since you were a bishop, Your Excellency because the Revolution made you ambassador to England, or Minister because you are in charge of France's foreign relations?

Charles Talleyrand:
Most people call me Talleyrand. Just Talleyrand.

Napol?on:
Ah, yes, like just "God"?

Charles Talleyrand:
Or Satan.

Lucien:
The deputies have dissolved the Directory. In its place, they have created an executive consular commission, composed of General Bonaparte, and citizens Sieyes and Roger Ducos, who will bear the titles of Citizens and Consuls of the French Republic. This decree will take place. Officers, present arms to the Consuls of the Republic! Long live Bonaparte!

French Soldier:
How would you like to approach this, Monsieur?

Marquis de Caulaincourt:
With style, and good manners. We shall knock politely on the front door.

French Soldier:
And what if he doesn't open it?

Marquis de Caulaincourt:
In that case, I regret, I shall be obliged to ask you to barrel it down.

Napol?on:
Talleyrand! [Talleyrand turns] You are sh*t. Sh*t in a silk stocking.

Jos?phine de Beauharnais:
Look at me. Why don't you look at me? You've done it. You've done a dreadful thing. Although I begged you not to, and so did your mother, your entire family.

Napol?on:
This affair doesn't concern you, or my family. It's an affair of state. It concerns the government of France, and me.

Jos?phine de Beauharnais:
And you, yes, you! You could have pardoned him. You didn't need anyone. You only had to say one word. One little word!

Napol?on:
If he - had asked me to spare him... but those Bourbons are so stupidly proud.

Jos?phine de Beauharnais:
Proud, yes, but innocent! He wasn't even in France during the attempt to your life.

Napol?on:
His friends were. And even if they didn't do it, they did it for him.

Jos?phine de Beauharnais:
This foul deed will bring a curse upon us. Sorrow to you, and sorrow to me, because I couldn't stop you! [Josephine leaves for the door]

Jos?phine de Beauharnais:
And sorrow, to all who had a hand in this crime!

Mar?chal Joachim Murat:
My dear Bonaparte, I trust you don't see my marriage to Caroline a bad match.

Napol?on:
You're my friend, Murat, and that's worth all the titles in the world. When I give my friendship, I never give it back. But a crown can be lost, and I would be grateful if you would stop calling me "my dear Bonaparte." Remember to call me Sire when you address me.

Letizia Bonaparte:
Emperor or not, your white britches will always be covered with stains. I don't know what you do with your britches!

Louis Bonaparte:
He wipes his pen on them, of course!

[Bonaparte family laughs]

Mar?chal Joachim Murat:
The road to Namur.

Napol?on:
Perfect. The Pope will think we've run into him totally by chance. I cannot let him imagine that I would make an effort to meet him. I owe him no more respect than to any petty little king.

Napol?on:
Excuse this dreadful mud, Holy Father, but it's been raining so much lately.

Pope Pius VII:
I've always wondered if the Pope, like his Divine Master, could walk on water. I cannot, evidently. But I do have other powers.

Napol?on:
Such as crowning me Emperor?

Pope Pius VII:
Yes, but also marrying you.

Napol?on:
Marrying me? But I am married!

Pope Pius VII:
During our long and tedious journey, one of my Cardinals told me that you and the future Empress have not been united before God.

Napol?on:
Well, that may be true, but our civil marriage is no less valid.

Pope Pius VII:
To me, it is meaningless. But rest assured, I shall be delighted to bless your union before God.

Napol?on:
I have no intention of getting married a second time.

Pope Pius VII:
Well, unfortunately, I cannot crown a man Emperor, who is living in a state of Sin.

Napol?on:
Very well, then, a discreet ceremony - without unnecessary witness.

Pope Pius VII:
When one has the Pope as a witness, Sire, no-one else is necessary.

Napol?on:
A man's scale is determined by his destiny, not by nature.

Napol?on:
[regarding his coronation as Emperor] I intend to crown myself.

Pope Pius VII:
Then why am I here?

Napol?on:
To bless my reign.

Pope Pius VII:
Now, who exactly are you asking to bless your reign, Sire? Almighty God? Or his humble deputy on Earth, the Pope?

Napol?on:
Humble? Is that the word you use to describe the thunder of organ music, clouds of incense, altars full of flowers, robes trimmed with gold?

Pope Pius VII:
You confuse God with religion.

Napol?on:
On the contrary, I separate them. On the one hand, a theory: God. On the other, a certitude: religion. It gives human society a framework. People would have no reference points without religion, we saw the results of that, when during the Revolution the churches were looted and the priests guillotined. The country toppled into anarchy, chaos, and madness of the Reign of Terror. We can do without God, but not without religion.

Pope Pius VII:
Do without God? Can you live without faith in the immortality of your soul? Without belief in the everlasting life?

Napol?on:
If you have ever been in a battlefield, you would not believe in God, either.

Pope Pius VII:
But I spend all my days and all my nights on a battlefield, Sire! The whole world is a battlefield! And every man who suffers is a terrible defeat for me. Place the crown on your own brow if that is what you wish. I will pray it does not become too heavy for you to bear.

Napol?on:
Have you ever regretted being Pope?

Pope Pius VII:
It terrifies me, Sire. Every day that God gives.

Napol?on:
For God's sake, Caulaincourt, you sound like a midwife!

Countess Marie Walewska:
[kisses Napoleon's hand] Welcome, sire. A thousand times welcome. All Polish soil awaited to rise up, and - [is lost for words]

Napol?on:
And what?

Countess Marie Walewska:
I don't know anymore. I've prepared so many things to say, but now that I see you, I'm lost for words.

Napol?on:
So am I, mademoiselle. So am I. Which means we will have to see each other again, once we have both found the words we need. Would you like that?

Napol?on:
When such an old man marries such a young wife, he should learn to cover her with jewels. So should we forgive him, and see if something can be done about it?

Countess Marie Walewska:
Sire, that's not what I want from your Majesty. My country no longer exists. Prussia, Austria, and Russia have dismembered it. Return Poland to me.

Marquis de Caulaincourt:
Sire!

Napol?on:
Not now!

Marquis de Caulaincourt:
She is here!

Napol?on:
Who?

Marquis de Caulaincourt:
She, Countess Walewska!

Napol?on:
Here? Here.

Marquis de Caulaincourt:
In the bedroom. Was I wrong to convince her to come here?

Charles Talleyrand:
Man was given speech to disguise his thoughts, and words to disguise his eyes. Don't trust anything, or anyone.