Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide

Jennifer 'Moze' Mosley:
PUPPY BEAR! Oh, how I've missed you! [sees Ned giving her a strange look] Oh, how I wish you hadn't seen that!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
[hugging PuppyBear] Oh, how I've missed you! [Ned gives her a weird look] Oh, how I wish you hadn't seen that!

Simone Moma:
You tell the truth! Because that is what great artists do!

Ned Bigby:
Really? You think I'm a great artist?

Simone Moma:
Oh, no, no. You got lucky.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
I know what it's like to lose something... very special.

Ned Bigby:
Here we go-The PuppyBear Story!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
It was sixth grade. I should have outgrown PuppyBear, but I still brought him to school with me...

Ned Bigby:
You loved him! You lost him! He was ann ugly stuffed dog... bear... thing!

Ned Bigby:
To pee or not to pee -- that is the question!

Evelyn Kwong:
Mosely! Boys like you. Why don't they like me? I'M LIKEABLE!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Wel,, Evelyn... It may be... That you tend to come on too strong.

Evelyn Kwong:
I DO NOT COME ON TOO STRONG! Oh! You're right! Teach me. Teach me your expert boy ways!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
I don't think so.

Evelyn Kwong:
Please! Please! Please!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
And I'm not an expert. [Evelyn continues pleading] And begging never works on me.

Ned Bigby:
[Cookie is dressed in drag] Heeeeeeey! What are you doing?

Simon "Cookie" Cook:
Going undercover to find out what Lisa likes in a guy.

Ned Bigby:
I don't think it's this!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Now go on and tell him.

Ned Bigby:
I don't know...

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
I'll be your best friend!

Ned Bigby:
You are my best friend.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
...Right.

Ned Bigby:
[after Seth agrees to go to the dance with Suzie] Now I know why they call it a crush.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
[to Cookie about the Siberian Husky] It's puppy love. She won't be able to keep her paws off you.

Missy Meany:
It's not like we're guys!

Ned Bigby:
Never? I will never say never.

Jennifer 'Moze' Mosley:
You just did... three times.

Ned Bigby:
You heard him! He's going to try to steal Suzie with his kiss!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Quiet! The play's already started and it's too late to stop it now.

Ned Bigby:
It's never too late! I'm Ned Bigby and I never say "never!"

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
You just said it! Three times!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
I have to pee and I'm not gonna take it anymore!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
[Moze has made herself look grotesque] So, what do you think of my new look?

Ned Bigby:
Great! Jock Goldman's going to ask you out.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
But I hate him.

Ned Bigby:
Exactly! So when he sees you looking like this, he'll go running for the hills! I'm thinking of running for the hills.

Ned Bigby:
I need you to get me some clothes.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
What?

Ned Bigby:
I'm naked and I need you to get me some clothes.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
What? Why don't you have your girlfriend do it?

Ned Bigby:
Because I'm NAKED!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
I'm next in line to see The Wild Boy!

Ned Bigby:
I repeat: I'M NAKED!

Simon "Cookie" Cook:
I have to get on that bus or . . or...

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Or what?

Simon "Cookie" Cook:
I can't tell you! It might jeopardize my secret identity.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Oh, don't tell me you're the freak in the bird costume I heard about.

Suzie Crabgrass:
You know, we don't have to go to the Rose Garden. We can just talk a walk and look for your pants.

Ned Bigby:
Oh, we're going to the Rose Garden... and we're gonna TOTALLY make-out!

Ned Bigby:
Come on! We are men! For centries we have ruled and messed up this world!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Hey! If you can't stand the heat, get out of my extra-credit volcano!

Ned Bigby:
Come on! We are men... for centuries we have ruled and messed up this world.

Simon "Cookie" Cook:
Moze! I need you to be my fake girlfriend and make Lisa jealous at lunch today!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Sorry, I'm already fake going out with Ned.

Ned Bigby:
[Ned and Moze just kissed to prove to Missy they're dating] Ahem, very convincing.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Anything for a pal.

Ned Bigby:
Right, right. So, uh, how are you and Faymen doing? You know, just asking.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Huh? Oh, right, um... [Faymen comes in fighting Seth-both in Sumo Wrestling outfits] He's fighting for my honor. Or something...

Billy "Bully" Loomer:
What are you two losers doing?

Seth Powers:
I am fighting for Jennifer's honor in a sumo wrestling outfit, for she is my one true love!

Faymen Phorchin:
No, she's mine!

Billy "Bully" Loomer:
No, she's mine! And I will fight for her!

Seth Powers:
Fine! But we're really tired from Girl Honor Fighting!

Seth Powers:
Hey! Jennifer's my girl, bucko! [Slaps Faymen with a white glove]

Faymen Phorchin:
Fine, but I must warn you, my friend. I am the jealous type! [Slaps Seth with his own white glove. They start slapping each other repeatedly]

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Guys! Guys! Don't be jealous over me! And where are you getting the white gloves?

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Why don't you just tell Missy the truth - you're not interested in her.

Ned Bigby:
Because the truth doesn't WORK on crazy people!

Jennifer 'Moze' Mosley:
So how'd things go with Fayman?

Ned Bigby:
Something tells me he doesn't like me. Actually, it was him!

Simon "Cookie" Cook:
Do you think Lisa Zemo is hot?

Gordy:
Um, I can't answer that due to the fact that I'm 40.

Gordy:
Wow you guys grew alot over the weekend

Jennifer "Moze" Mosley:
Gordy its been a whole summer

Gordy:
That was one heck of a party

Ned Bigby:
I just want you to know, I still picked you for my team.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
I picked a good book!

Jennifer 'Moze' Mosley:
What *is* a "moze" anyway? It sounds like some kind of gardening tool!

Simon "Cookie" Cook:
When are you going to steal the golden notebook?

Ned Bigby:
Not steal, borrow!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
I'm a little freaked out.

Ned Bigby:
Well, that couldn't have not worked any better!

Albert Wormenheimer:
OK, you figured it out! I'm A. Worminator!

Simon "Cookie" Cook:
You are? I mean, aha!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
[Moze just got an F on a test] Ah! Frowny face!

iTeacher:
I must say, I'm disappointed.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
But I bet you never failed a test. Guess we're not that much alike, after all.

iTeacher:
Nope, I never failed a test.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
YES! AWESOME! WHOO! I FAILED! Why am I cheering about that?

iTeacher:
You know, a little stress can be a good thing. It's like an alarm in your head that tells you to make adjustments.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Maybe I made too big an adjustment.

iTeacher:
Too much stress and you could end up teaching. From your house. In a box! But NO stress... and you could end up like GORDY!

Lisa Zemo:
You're talking to us? But you're really popular now.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Please, it's just a lame list!

Coconut Head:
If it was a lame list, then we'd be in the top ten and not the low seventies.

Martin Qwerly:
You know, I remember in the fourth grade when she was kinda ugly.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
You guys are popular, too! Just in the band and not the Laughing Vortex - You thought I was ugly?

Lisa Zemo, Coconut Head, Martin Qwerly:
Kinda, sorta, you had bad teeth.

[Ned walks in on Gordy reading "Green Eggs and Ham"]

Gordy:
[shocked] WHO DOESN'T LIKE HAM?

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
If there was ever a time to beat someone up for no good reason, it would be now.

Ned Bigby:
If you're trying out for cheerleading, and you're a boy... I have absolutely no tips.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
I need help. I can't decide... Did you get taller?

Ned Bigby:
Six inches.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
That's amazing! How did you do that?

Ned Bigby:
Socks.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Socks? How many?

Ned Bigby:
Forty pairs. [cuts to Ned's shoes, which are enormously big. Moze laughs, though Ned does not smile] You said you need help? [Moze holds a basketball and a volleyball in each hand, plus a cross country outfit]

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
I don't know what to pick. I love volleyball, but basketball is awesome. And Mr. Wright thinks I could win a cross country title.

Ned Bigby:
I have to wear size fifteen in shoes to have a chance to make it basketball! And you want me to feel sorry for you because you made everything?

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Yes... [Ned takes everything from her and throws it back on her in anger. She only catches the volleyball] OW!... But awesome! You knew I'd catch the thing I cared about most, and it was the volleyball!

Ned Bigby:
...Sure, let's go with that.

Ned Bigby:
The first words are the easiest.

[next word is flossonossmossapitifilcation]

Jennifer "Moze" Mosley:
OH,YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!

[Ned stops smiling]

Ned Bigby:
I... Am Fartacus!

Ned Bigby:
I'm meeting Suzie at the water fountain for a drink... of water.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Oh, you're thirsty? [sprays Ned in the face with her water bottle]

Ned Bigby:
Is something wrong?

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
I JUST DON'T WANT YOU TO BE THIRSTY ANYMORE, OK?

Crony:
There's Cookie! It's like taking pants... From a baby with candy!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Nice blouse.

Ned Bigby:
Thanks, but it's not a blouse. It's really comfortable. The buttons face the other way which is kinda weird...

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
That's because it's a *girl's* shirt, Ned.

Ned Bigby:
What? No way. What makes you say that?

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
'Cause I'm wearing the same one in pink right now.

Students:
[to Moze, after she tried to help the Student Teacher] Teacher's pet, teacher's pet, teacher's pet!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
I am not a teacher's pet.

Girl sitting behind Moze:
She's right. She is a Student teacher's pet.

Students:
Student teacher's pet, Student teacher's pet, Student teacher's pet!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
You don't look so good.

Ned Bigby:
I'm a mess. I can't eat, I can't sleep...

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
You can't sleep...?

Ned Bigby:
I've been wide awake in every class!

Ned Bigby, Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely, Simon Nelson 'Cookie' Cook:
[simultanously] We need tips.

Ned Bigby:
Cookie, for you it's simple. Focus on your notebook. Not Miss Enstile. Only look up when it's absolutely necessary.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
What about me?

Ned Bigby:
Ask a question on Miss Morrison's last lesson. This will give the new guy a place to start.

Simon Nelson 'Cookie' Cook:
What are you gonna do?

Ned Bigby:
[gravely] Something I said I would never do in my entire life. It's time to become... Teacher's Pet. [Moze and Cookie both gasp in unizon]

Simon Nelson 'Cookie' Cook:
You'd be marked for life! Teacher's Pet is hated by the whole class!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
[disgusted] I feel dirty just standing next to you.

Ned Bigby:
I hate green.

Simon "Cookie" Cook:
I love green!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Why do you two hang out? You're complete opposites.

Ned Bigby, Simon "Cookie" Cook:
He keeps me centered.

Gordy:
Hey, do you like Ned?

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
What? Why? Does Ned like me?

Gordy:
Pssh! I don't know! But if he did, that would be weird, huh? Or would it?

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
It's just that we've been friends for so long and going out could totally ruin that. And he completely bombed my boyfriend test. BUT YEAH, I THINK I LIKE HIM!

Ned Bigby:
Go find out if Moze likes me.

Gordy:
What? I am not Cupid, you know! I have a job!

Ned Bigby, Gordy:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Gordy:
Fine, I'll go find out.

Dr. Xavier:
[holding out rollerblades] Here! Put these on!

Simon "Cookie" Cook:
But isn't that stealing?

Dr. Xavier:
In my country we call it "Brachtenstung"

Simon "Cookie" Cook:
What's that mean?

Dr. Xavier:
Stealing. But I'll bring them back later.

Palmer Noid:
I like you.

Ned Bigby:
Please don't.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Sorry. I guess I'm not used to you calling me 'Jennifer.'

Ned Bigby:
That's because I've been calling you 'Moze' since the first grade, remember?

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Yeah...

Ned Bigby:
There were three Jennifers in class, but only one Moze. And there still is only one Moze! Wanna know what a 'Moze' is? It's a super-cool girl who happens to be my best friend.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
You are such a dork sometimes!

[playfully shoves Ned]

Ned Bigby:
I know. Jennifer.

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Call me 'Moze.'

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
What is Ned Bigby's perfect girl?

Ned Bigby:
Okay. My perfect girl would have to be funny, smart, athletic, have a great smile, and be a great friend. And I'll know when I see her, because golden light will hit her just right, and the angels will sing!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Oh, please.

[gets suddenly enshrouded with golden light]

Simon "Cookie" Cook:
Find yourself the perfect girl?

Ned Bigby:
I'm not asking for much. I just want a girl whose, funny, athletic, smart, has a great smile, is a good friend, isn't afraid to take charge once in a while, likes sports and call me demanding, but I like them on the tall side!

Simon "Cookie" Cook:
You just described Moze.

Ned Bigby:
What? Very funny! I've know her forever, we're just friends! And I'll know my perfect girl when I see her!

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Hey, guys.

[gets enshrouded by golden light]

Ned Bigby:
Okay Gordy, enough with the lights!

Gordy:
What? I fixed them, and I got the Choir back in the music room.

[Ned looks back at Moze]

Jennifer Ann 'Moze' Mosely:
Why are you looking at me like that?