Never the Twain

Simon Peel:
I have small dinner parties. I like to have about half a dozen at a time.

Mrs. Goodhew:
What about Mrs. Peel?

Simon Peel:
So did she, that's why we're divorced!

Simon Peel:
[About Banks] I suppose he's rather modest for a Yorkshireman

Simon Peel:
[entering a cobwebbed room] Nobody's been in here for years.

Oliver Smallbridge:
It's like the inside of your wallet.

[Simon has lit a bonfire to blow smoke over Oliver's garden]

David Peel:
Dad, aren't you being a bit juvenile?

Simon Peel:
Certainly not. It's a privilege of middle age. Only children aren't allowed to be juvenile.

[David and Simon are discussing how Oliver will get his revenge]

David Peel:
He'd probably play his violin with the window open

Simon Peel:
Oh, no, Lucifer cured him of that, didn't you Lucifer. Jumped in and lept on him. Thought it was a mating call.

Simon Peel:
Yesterday he had his radio blaring in the garden. Well, I didn't lose my temper, no, no, I just telephoned him a little later on and politely asked him not to do it again.

David Peel:
Yes, at 4 o'clock in the morning!

Simon Peel:
He hardly needed a phone, you could hear him swearing from here!

Oliver Smallbridge:
[shutting the French windows to keep out the bonfire smoke] I'll wait till the Test Match and run my old motor mower. Completely ruins his television picture!

Lyn Smallbridge:
Mmmm. The subtle approach!

Oliver Smallbridge:
Whose side are you on?

Lyn Smallbridge:
The side of reason, sanity...

Oliver Smallbridge:
Oh, I see, my own daughter is against me now!

Lyn Smallbridge:
Oh, I'm against him too. Mr Peel is as barmy as you are.

Oliver Smallbridge:
Now, look here, Lyn.

Lyn Smallbridge:
I'm sorry, I take it back. Mr Peel is not as barmy as you are!

[Oliver has recieved a letter from Simon's solicitor]

Lyn Smallbridge:
Is it about that tree you chopped down?

Oliver Smallbridge:
A lot of fuss about nothing. He never used that greenhouse anyway!

[David and his father are discussing Oliver]

David Peel:
You've got such a lot in common. Same line of business, about the same age.

Simon Peel:
He's a bombastic windbag!

David Peel:
Well, there's that, too!

Simon Peel:
There's a great deal of difference between antiques and junk.

David Peel:
Yes, it depends whether you're buying or selling!

Simon Peel:
One day, I hope you'll be keeping my account books.

David Peel:
Which set?

Oliver Smallbridge:
I'm not rushing you girl. It's just I want you to have what your dear mum had, God rest her. A strong, reliable, sensitive man to look after her.

Lyn Smallbridge:
Oh, You never told me about him!

Oliver Smallbridge:
I *was* refering to myself!

Oliver Smallbridge:
[on his future grandchild] I can see him out there in the garden, happy, childish laughter. Shouting. Screaming. Kicking balls over his fence. Well, drive that Peel fellow raving mad, you know.

[while visiting an auction room, Oliver has picked up a blunderbus when Simon arrives]

Simon Peel:
[examining the blunderbuss] Uhm. Lot 27. Not really suitable for your shop, you know. That's genuine!

Oliver Smallbridge:
Well, well, Peel. Fancy meeting you here, and me with an unloaded gun!

[Oliver puts the blunderbus down]

Simon Peel:
I didn't expect to see you here. There's no sign of your horse and cart outside!

Oliver Smallbridge:
[pointing to the sale list] I'll tell you what. There's something that'll interest you, boy. Stuffed Moose, Stuffed Boar, go nicely with your shirt!

Simon Peel:
[walking towards an open chest and picking up an African Tribal mask] This would suit you perfectly. Every home should have one - a family portrait!

[Simon hands the mask to Oliver and walks away, just as the auctioneer appears]

Auctioneer:
[Iidicating the mask] I'll let you have that cheap, governor, fiver, on account it's *supposed* to have a curse on it.

Oliver Smallbridge:
Curse? Can you deliver it?

Auctioneer:
Certainly.

Oliver Smallbridge:
[handing the mask to the Auctioneer] Done - to Simon Peel!

Auctioneer:
Lot 12, A Chinese vase.

Simon Peel:
[looks around] 30 pounds.

Oliver Smallbridge:
40.

Simon Peel:
50.

Oliver Smallbridge:
60.

Simon Peel:
You're wasting your time, you know. Its a fake.

[Simon turns towards the Auctioneer]

Simon Peel:
70.

Oliver Smallbridge:
80.

Simon Peel:
90.

Oliver Smallbridge:
100.

Auctioneer:
100.

Simon Peel:
You're just trying to be difficult. 150.

Oliver Smallbridge:
200 pounds.

Auctioneer:
200 pounds I'm bid now. Any advance on 200? Going for 200.

[bangs gavel]

Auctioneer:
Gone. Sold, Smallbridge. Give it to him.

Oliver Smallbridge:
[taking the vase in his hands] Don't feel too badly about it, Peel. You can't win em all.

Simon Peel:
No, but you can win some of them.

[Simon points to the vase]

Simon Peel:
You know, considering that it *is* a fake, I didn't think I'd get such a good price for it.

Lyn Smallbridge:
Daddy, are you in a good mood?

Oliver Smallbridge:
Never better. Somebody unloaded a skip outside Peel's shop. Blocked his car in - He had to come home by bus. Cost me a tenner, but well worth it.

Oliver Smallbridge:
You're too young to have boyfriends!

Lyn Smallbridge:
Well, how am I supposed to provide all these grandchildren, from a mail order catalogue?

Simon Peel:
It's just that it seems like only yesterday that I was taking you on my knee and telling you about the birds and the bees.

David Peel:
It *was* only yesterday - it was very embarrassing!

[Simon has answered his phone, to find Oliver on the other end]

Oliver Smallbridge:
Tell that boy of yours to stop it at once.

Simon Peel:
[looks towards David] Eating peanuts?

Oliver Smallbridge:
Mucking around with my girl.

Simon Peel:
Now, look here, Smallbridge

[David moves away from the sofa and out of shot]

Simon Peel:
I hardly think you're in a pos... now, just a minute. Your daughter and my...

[looks up, to find David has left the room]

Simon Peel:
David.

Oliver Smallbridge:
They want to get married.

Simon Peel:
Married?

Oliver Smallbridge:
If we don't put a stop to it, we'll be related.

Simon Peel:
Oh my god, they'll have children, they'll look like you!

Oliver Smallbridge:
[Glaris at the phone, before putting the reciver back against his ear] There's nothing else for it, we'll have to meet.

Simon Peel:
Yes, I suppose, well, you'd better come round here.

Oliver Smallbridge:
Not likely. You'll set that cat on me. You come round here under a flag of truce.

Simon Peel:
That's what you said last time. You ambushed me with a lawn sprinkler.

[David has escaped to the Smallbridge house]

David Peel:
Are you sure it's safe? Is that great hulking monster about?

Lyn Smallbridge:
No, he's gone next door to see your father.

Simon Peel:
We'd better try to be civilised about this. It's an emergency, and there's no point in trying to score childish points off each other.

[lays a sheet of newspaper on a nearby chair]

Simon Peel:
Do sit down.

Oliver Smallbridge:
[sits on the newspaper, and looks around] Not a bad bit of furniture. If you're thinking of selling, I'd give you a balloon for it.

Simon Peel:
I didn't know you were interested in antiques.

[moves to the drinks cabinet]

Simon Peel:
We must try to keep this as painless as possible. Scotch?

Oliver Smallbridge:
Well, I won't say no - providing you taste it first.

Oliver Smallbridge:
We've got to tackle this problem with a bit of subtlety - why don't you move to Australia?

Simon Peel:
I wouldn't get a good price for the house, not when people saw the neighbours.

Simon Peel:
You could try dropping a few hints to your daughter - it's a fun life as a modern day nun.

Oliver Smallbridge:
What about your son?

Simon Peel:
He's too tall to be a nun.

Simon Peel:
I notice you don't mind being called a crook.

Oliver Smallbridge:
Well, I've never denied being an antique dealer. The only difference between me and you is you cock your little finger every time you pick their pockets.

Simon Peel:
I run an honest business.

Oliver Smallbridge:
What? You'll be telling me you pay V.A.T. next.

Simon Peel:
I said honest, not simple minded!

Oliver Smallbridge:
I started at the bottom, you need brains there.

Simon Peel:
Well, your brains are in your bottom!

Oliver Smallbridge:
What about Lyn? The apple of my eye, the girl I refuse nothing to?

Lyn Smallbridge:
[opening the door] Can I come in?

Oliver Smallbridge:
No.

Simon Peel:
This is my house. I decide who can come in.

Lyn Smallbridge:
[entering the room] So can I?

Simon Peel:
No.

Simon Peel:
I refuse to have Smallbridge genes in my house.

Lyn Smallbridge:
I'll wear a skirt.

[Simon and Oliver look down, and burst out laughing]

[David enters the room, after Lyn tells him that Simon and Oliver have given their consent for the wedding]

David Peel:
But, but, but, but, but...?

Oliver Smallbridge:
But, but, but, but, but... Seems I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining an outbard motor!

David Peel:
[while Simon and Oliver are preparing drinks] How did you get them to agree?

Lyn Smallbridge:
Well, I told them that we love each other, and that they were being unreasonable, and, I also told them a little white lie...

Oliver Smallbridge:
[handing drinks to David and Lyn] Here's to my grandchild.

Simon Peel:
Here's to *my* grandchild, and the happy mother and father to be.

[David looks at Lyn, and drops his glass]

[David is compiling an invitation list for the wedding]

David Peel:
I've got to get this list down somehow.

[Points to the list]

David Peel:
I mean, well, this one. He's likely to be rude and get into a fight.

Simon Peel:
Well, cross him off.

David Peel:
Hmm. I thought you wanted to come!

Simon Peel:
When have I been rude?

David Peel:
The last time you saw Lyn's father.

Simon Peel:
That was a fair comment - he *does* dress like a burst mattress!

Simon Peel:
I say, have you seen this? "Oliver Smallbridge, best prices paid for antiques, announces the engagement of his daughter Lyn, to David Peel"

David Peel:
He's advertised it! I didn't think he was too pleased!

Simon Peel:
He's not [pointing to the paper] he's put it in the obituary column!

David Peel:
I didn't know we had such a large family.

Simon Peel:
Well, you're not making it any smaller, are you?

Simon Peel:
Things have changed since my day you know.

[spotting something in the newspaper]

Simon Peel:
I say, an exhibition of local antiques!

David Peel:
Oh, you're not that old, Dad!

Oliver Smallbridge:
[looking at Lyn's engagement ring] Very nice. What's holding up the curtain?

Oliver Smallbridge:
I've got a lot of expenses coming up, you know. I've got to pay for the cars, the reception, cartridges for my shotgun.

Lyn Smallbridge:
I suppose you'd rather I was marrying a boy just like you.

Oliver Smallbridge:
Good God, no! I was a smutty-minded little hooligan!

Lyn Smallbridge:
[about David] We used to watch each other from a distance.

Oliver Smallbridge:
Oh, yes, and how did my future grandchild happen... semaphore?

Oliver Smallbridge:
[Oliver is looking in the wall mirror] I don't look a day over 39... not in a certain light.

Oliver Smallbridge:
[standing behind Oliver] It's called a total eclipse. What's her name?

Oliver Smallbridge:
Veronica Barton. How did you know?

Lyn Smallbridge:
You've been pulling your stomach in ever since you came home.

Lyn Smallbridge:
[Oliver tells Lyn about Veronica's porcelain figures] Has she accepted your offer?

Oliver Smallbridge:
Haven't made it yet!

Simon Peel:
Very good looking woman, Mrs Barton.

David Peel:
Aren't you a bit long in the tooth for that sort of thing, Dad?

Simon Peel:
What a charming phrase. It's not like football, you don't have to retire when you're 30.

David Peel:
Did you score?

Simon Peel:
If you must know, she gave me a cup of tea and, er, we shook hands.

David Peel:
Wow, you've never even met before! Sorry. Well, there wouldn't be anything wrong with it. You're flesh and blood.

Simon Peel:
And long teeth!

Simon Peel:
[Simon has taken Lucifer to the vet]

[Peering into the cat basket]

Simon Peel:
Now, Lucifer, you're to behave yourself. Don't do anything disgusting from either extremity

[closes the lid, then notices the woman next to him has a budgie in a cage]

Simon Peel:
Don't let him see that budgie, he'll think this is a takeaway!

Simon Peel:
[Oliver enters the waiting room with Bruno] Well, well, well. Why are you bringing that great hairy thing in here?

Oliver Smallbridge:
Are you addressing me?

Simon Peel:
Certainly not!

[points to Bruno]

Simon Peel:
I'm talking to the dog!

Simon Peel:
[Simon walks into the front room in a bad mood] It'll give me great pleasure to thump Smallbridge on the nose!

David Peel:
What's he done now?

Simon Peel:
[Opening the Whisky] He's been trying to force his grubby attentions on Veronica. They were seen last night in Flagrante Delecto!

David Peel:
What?

Simon Peel:
The new Italian restaurant in the High Street.

Simon Peel:
What are his intentions towards her? That's what I'd like to know.

David Peel:
Probably the same as yours.

Simon Peel:
Filthy swine!

Simon Peel:
There are certain things in life that are more important than money. There's friendship, respect...

David Peel:
Nookie!

Simon Peel:
...Nookie. We don't all have your priorities, you know!

Simon Peel:
I had a white wedding.

Oliver Smallbridge:
[confused] Did you?

Simon Peel:
Yes, when I got the bill I turned white.