Newhart

Larry:
I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl. This is my other brother Darryl.

George Utley:
Dick, I cleared out that obstruction in the chimney.

Dick Loudon:
Thanks George. What was it?

George Utley:
I don't know but when I woke it up, it ran away.

[Holding back tears]

Stephanie Vanderkellen:
I discovered I like bowling.

[She starts crying]

Arthur Vanderkellen:
I can't help it, I like that boy.

Dr. Robert Hartley:
[final lines, Dick wakes up as Bob from "The Bob Newhart Show"] I just had had the strangest dream. I just dreamt that I was married to a beautiful blonde and we owned an inn that was going to be turned into a golf club.

Emily Hartley:
[wakes up, turns the light on] That's it, no more shrimp before bed. [turns light off]

Emily Hartley:
[turns light back on, jealous] Beautiful blonde?

Dick Loudon:
[During Founders' Day, Dick has been placed in the stocks] My nose itches. [calling out] Anybody! Stratch my nose! Anybody! OK, 5 bucks! Anybody, scratch my nose for 5 bucks!

Larry:
Okay. [Hands Dick $5 and scratches his nose]

Dick Loudon:
Okay, anybody else, scratch my nose for 5 bucks!

Dick Loudon:
Ick.

Joanna Loudon:
And what would you say if you weren't a college graduate?

[in Larry's dream, he is a guest host on The Tonight Show]

Ed McMahon:
[voice-over] Welcome to The Tonight Show. And now here's your guest host... heeeerre's Larry!

[Larry enters from the behind the stage curtains to cheers and applause]

Larry:
Hi. I'm Larry. This is my sidekick Darryl.

[Darryl #1 is seen standing in front of a microphone where Ed McMahon usually stands]

Larry:
And this is my bandleader Darryl.

[Darryl #2 is seen standing by the Tonight Show band where Doc Severinsen usually stands]

Stephanie Vanderkellen:
Wait, there's something wrong with these pictures, I can't put my finger on it...

Dick Loudon:
You're not in them?

Stephanie Vanderkellen:
That's it!

Brad Pettibone:
[forlorn to Joanna] Why is it, my love, that so many moments are spoiled by wedlock?

Dick Loudon:
Tell me about it.

Stephanie Vanderkellen:
Frankly, Dick, being attractive can be a real burden.

Dick Loudon:
Yes, it's true.

Stephanie Vanderkellen:
You don't know how lucky you are.

Susan Polger:
Who do you think the Professor liked best? Mary Ann or Ginger?

Michael Harris:
Well, Ginger had all those great gowns. But I used to love when Mary Ann would get on that bike and make electricity.

Michael Harris:
Steph, did you ever want the Professor and Mary Ann to get together?

Stephanie Vanderkellen:
Aren't they other people?

Michael Harris:
Oh, Steph. I don't want 'kind'. I don't want 'nice'. I want you.

Michael Harris:
What is this?

Stephanie Vanderkellen:
Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. [begins to sob]

Michael Harris:
You made these by yourself?

Stephanie Vanderkellen:
[Sobbing] I tried but Joanna had to help.

George Utley:
Say, Joanna, this really looks good. Did I ever tell you that one of my favorite meals is pork chops?

Joanna Loudon:
Yes, you did, George, and that's why I made them.

George Utley:
Aww. My mother used to make the best pork chops. She bought 'em at this little store in town. It's not there anymore.

Joanna Loudon:
Well, these came from John Mason down the road. You know, he finally slaughtered that big of his, so these oughta to be really fresh.

George Utley:
[aghast] They slaughtered Phil?

Dick Loudon:
You um, you knew the pig?

George Utley:
I've known Phil for years. I used to feed him kernels of corn every time I went by there.

Dick Loudon:
Well, dig in.

George Utley:
I can't eat this.

Dick Loudon:
What, what are you talking about?

George Utley:
Phil was like a friend. I don't feel right eating him.

Dick Loudon:
George, the only reason that pigs exist is for people to eat them.

George Utley:
Well, I'm not eating this one.

Joanna Loudon:
And now that you're talking about it, I don't think I can either.

Dick Loudon:
Now I can't eat 'em.

Charles:
[after George hides Charles from Larry, Darryl, and Darryl] Thank you so much for concealing me, George. Master Darryl was getting to be too much for one manservant to endure.

George Utley:
I know you'd do the same for me if I ever ran away from Dick and Joanna.

Charles:
I don't think the Loudons would ever chase you through the forest naked while hurling squirrel pellets at your bum.

George Utley:
No, but I'm supposed to watch "Vermont Today," and that's just as painful.

Joanna Loudon:
What's going on?

Kirk Devane:
Would you please do me a favor and tell George that he looks like a boob?

George Utley:
Quit calling me that.

Joanna Loudon:
What is going on?

George Utley:
[to Joanna] Is there anything wrong with what I'm wearing?

Kirk Devane:
No, not if you're 4. But if you're a grown man, it's pathetic.

Joanna Loudon:
I was talking to Joanna. Kirk's upset because I'm wearing my new turtleneck.

Kirk Devane:
I'm upset because you're wearing it with your overalls. Any fool knows that it goes with the brown chords.

George Utley:
Well, if you know that, then you must be the fool.

Joanna Loudon:
Kirk, he's just wearing it around the house.

Kirk Devane:
No, he's not. He came over to the cafe this way and announced in front of the whole room, "Look at the clothes Kirk picked out for me." It was humiliating. I thought the person that was there was going to leave.

George Utley:
I like my new turtleneck and I like it with my overalls.

Kirk Devane:
Okay. If you know so much about clothes, what are you going to wear with the brown chords?

George Utley:
The blue plaid shirt?

Kirk Devane:
Oh, p-yuke!

Joanna Loudon:
Kirk, I'm making a salad.

Kirk Devane:
Would you just stop making such a big deal about this and go change?

George Utley:
No.

Kirk Devane:
Then I never want to see you again.

George Utley:
Well, it's too bad because I'm coming over to your cafe for dinner tonight and I'm wearing this.

Kirk Devane:
Yeah? I'm not serving you.

George Utley:
Well, I'm staying anyway.

Kirk Devane:
Yeah? You can sit there until you ROT!

Larry:
Are you hungry?

Stephanie Vanderkellen:
I'm starved!

Larry:
What part of the squirrel do you like best?

George Utley:
Hi, I'm George. This is Larry's brother Darryl, and this is his other brother Darryl.

Stephanie Vanderkellen:
There's nothing sadder than a perky blonde on the skids.

[Joanne clearing dishes at tables in Kirk's diner for inmates in transit to prison]

Prisoner #1:
That was a delicious meal, ma'am.

Joanna loudon:
Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.

Prisoner #1:
If my mother could have cooked like you, I never would have killed her.

[Joanne slowly backs away from the table]

Dick Loudon:
[as Henry Bumpter] Alright, I'll do it. [Stephanie as Jody Bumpter enters the room] Tonight I'm going to dye... [Stephanie as Jody Bumpter gasps in shock and leaves the room]... my hair

Dick Loudon:
[Stephanie, Michael, Joanna and George try to get Dick to join in a group hug] I'd rather die... [Dick smiles]... my hair! [Everyone laughs]

Stephanie Vanderkellen:
All you people ever talk about is television. Everyone in my world is obsessed with TV.

George Utley:
I'm not.

Stephanie Vanderkellen:
Well, you're also not part of my world, George. Oh. OK. You're on the fringe.

'Smitty':
What you need is a chick. A mother hen for the girls and someone finger lickin' good for you.

'Smitty':
Smittyism no. 6: You want chicks you can't chicken out.

'Smitty':
So what you're saying is the grim reaper is coming for you at 7 o'clock? [Stephanie as Jody overhears this and reacts in shock]

Dick Loudon:
[as Henry Bumpter] Or to put it another way, I'm going to see Harriet tonight.

Dick Loudon:
And I, I understand you're a senior in high school?

Corey Bishop:
Yes, sir.

Dick Loudon:
And, and what are your plans after graduation?

Corey Bishop:
A bunch of my friends and me are going to go to the beach for a week!

Stephanie Vanderkellen:
You know, sometimes I think the whole world is against me.

Dick Loudon:
You're right, Stephanie. You know, every Thursday myself and four-and-a-half billion other people get together and try to figure out how to make life miserable for you.

Stephanie Vanderkellen:
Well tell them for me they're doing a great job.

Joanna loudon:
Have some coffee, Dick.

Dick Loudon:
I don't deserve coffee.

George Utley:
You deserve this.

Michael Harris:
[making introductions] Tracy, Dick.

Michael Harris:
Dick, Tracy.

First Darryl, Second Darryl:
[the Darryl brothers had not said a word throughout the entire series] QUIET!

Dick Loudon:
Your- your brothers can speak? Why didn't they say anything up 'till now?

Larry:
I guess they've never been this P.O.'ed before.

[last lines]

Dick Loudon:
You should really wear more sweaters.

Dick Loudon:
[final lines, Dick wakes up as Bob from 1970s The Bob Newhart Show] I just had had the strangest dream. I just dreamt that I was married to a beautiful blonde and we owned an inn that was going to be turned into a golf club.

Emily Hartley:
[wakes up, turns the light on] That's it, no more shrimp before bed. [turns light off]

Emily Hartley:
[turns light back on, jealous] Beautiful blonde?

First Darryl, Second Darryl:
Quiet!

Blake LeMaster:
If you're from Switzerland, where's your accent?

Kirk Devane:
I lost it in a bad fall.

Dick Loudon:
10 below is colder than you might think.

George Utley:
How far did you get?

Dick Loudon:
How far is the end of the driveway?

George Utley:
Oh about 80 feet.

Dick Loudon:
Okay, so about 40 feet.

Dick Loudon:
If we stick to it, soon we'll be able to get the mail.

Michael Harris:
Oh, Cupcake, our photo session is this Friday at six.

Stephanie Vanderkellen:
Perfect! Early evening is one of my five best times of day.

Joanna Loudon:
Didn't you two get your pictures taken *last* month?

Stephanie Vanderkellen:
Joanna, you'd get your picture taken a lot, too, if you looked like this.