Nice Dreams

Chong:
You know what we should in vest in? An old age home for hippies. Cause, think about it, hippies have been around since the 60's man, and now there isn't really a hip place for them to go anymore. So, you know, it would be a home where they could smoke all the dope they'd want and listen to all the music they want, you know.

Cheech:
Oh yeah, we could call in 'Laidback Manor'.

Howie Hamburger Dude:
Would you like to have a hamburger?

Sgt. Stedenko:
The surest way to make them bleed, is when you bust there ass, and steal they're weed.

Chong:
Hey, how much money do we have now?

Cheech:
All together?

Chong:
Yeah, all together?

Cheech:
Let's see, mmm, uh, oh man! We have 17 million dollars!

Chong:
Really?

Cheech:
Oh wait, well um, 17, something. Who cares, were rich, man.

Sgt. Stedenko:
You know we can not trust our own instincts, now I want you send this down to the analyzer and have it labbed. I'll take care of it.

Cheech:
Man, I can't believe you. Every time you do coke this sh*t happens.

Chong:
Hey, wait a minute man, how come every time I do coke you say that 'every time you do coke' thing?

Cheech:
Yeah real funny man... so funny I forgot to laugh...

Chong:
"When I die, I want to be cremated, and mixed with some good sh*t, and I want all my friends to her together and smoke me."

Cheech:
" Remind me not to be your friend when you die. "

Sgt. Stedenko:
The only way to catch a doper is when you yourself become a smoker. The surest way to make them bleed is when you bust their ass and steal their weed.

Cheech:
[talking to his plants] Oh, good morning, my darling. Oh, your buds are getting so big. Soon, you'll need a training bra.

Sgt. Stedenko:
[talking to a lizard] You... have beautiful eyes. Yes you do...

Chong:
Man, Sherlock Holmes does coke!

Cheech:
Hey, scratch my balls, man... anybody scratch my balls!

Chong:
Will you sell me some of that stuff, man?

Howie Hamburger Dude:
I sell sea shells.

Howie Hamburger Dude:
You're the guy from the hamburger train, right? Yeah, the hambur-

[sniffs]

Timothy Leary:
You want the key?

Cheech:
Hey, please, Doc. Get me outta here. Let me be free. I just want the key, okay?

Timothy Leary:
You're sure you want to be free?

Cheech:
Yeah! Yeah! I want to be free. Just give me the key, okay? Please.

Timothy Leary:
Come here. Stick out your tongue.

Cheech:
What?

Timothy Leary:
Stick out your tongue. [puts a cube on Cheech's tongue] There's the key.

Cheech:
This is not the key. I want the key.

Timothy Leary:
That's the key to the universe.

Chong:
Hey, listen, there's a lot of smart dudes who do coke, man.

Cheech:
Yeah? Like who?

Chong:
Like, Sherlock Holmes does coke. And he isn't so stupid.

Cheech:
Sherlock Holmes?

Chong:
You know what I wanna do when I die, man?

Cheech:
What?

Chong:
I'm gonna get cremated, man.

Cheech:
Yeah?

Chong:
Yeah. Then I wanna get my ashes put in a baggie, you know.

Cheech:
Yeah?

Chong:
Then I'm gonna have all my friends - we'll have a party and then everybody will smoke me. Mix it with some good sh*t, you know.

Cheech:
Remind me not to be one of your friends when you die.

Chong:
Hey, man, that dude looked kinda straight to be buying dope.

Cheech:
Hey, man, don't worry about it. I checked him out myself, man. He ain't a cop. I can smell cops a mile away, man. They smell like coffee and doughnuts.

Cheech:
We're rich. Hey, let's buy a villa in Costa Rica. That'd be great. We could just...

Chong:
I'm gonna get some more guitars.

Cheech:
Yeah?

Chong:
Yeah, I wanna get a Fender. No, I don't like Fenders, man. No, I'll get one anyway.

Cheech:
Let's get one of those big, white houses, man. You know, like, with a veranda, you know. With a porch. We'd be sitting out there sipping pina colonics, man.

Chong:
Pina colonics?

Cheech:
Yeah.

Chong:
What's that?

Cheech:
You know, they make them in a blender, man. You know.

Chong:
Oh, yeah.

Cheech:
Yeah. We'd have topless ladies, man. Maybe we'll make ourselves sun kings. You know, buy a little island. We'll put two little chairs on a little hill, and every day at noon we'll go up there and all the natives will bow down to us and we'll throw them joints, you know. I like to help the little people, man. Like, that's important in life.

Cheech:
Those are the ugliest chicks I ever saw in my life.

Chong:
No kidding, man. But if they're so ugly, how come you were hitting on them?

Cheech:
I wasn't hitting on them, man.

Chong:
Well, that part about asking them if they were models, man.

Cheech:
I was trying to be nice, man.

Chong:
Models for Kal-Can dog food.

Cheech:
[talking to his plants] Ooh, Oaxaca. Ooh, sensi. How are you, my darling? Oh, God, your buds are getting so big. I have to get you a training bra. You got some lint in your belly button there. There you go. All right. Okay, you guys, be cool.