Nighty Night

[repeated line]

Jill Tyrrell:
Hiya, Don!

[repeated line]

Jill Tyrrell:
We'll settle up later. Otherwise it just gets nasty.

Jill Tyrrell:
How's Gordon?

Sue Forks:
He's dead, Jill.

Jill Tyrrell:
I know.

Jill Tyrrell:
Why does everything happen to *me*!

Terry Tyrrell:
Look, love, it'll be okay. It's not really that bad. It's *me* who's got the cancer.

[repeated line]

Jill Tyrrell:
Hi, Sue. How's you?

Jill Tyrrell:
I'm not a malicious woman and I will strike down the first person who says that I am.

[repeated line]

Jill Tyrrell:
Cappuccino'd be nice.

[repeated line]

Jill Tyrrell:
How many of those have you had, Sue?

Sue Forks:
Two.

Gary Furze:
Number two is Leonard Kent. Now he's a smashing guy, been with us for a couple of years. I haven't yet had the chance to pair him off with anybody, but don't let that put you off.

Jill Tyrrell:
Can we see his picture?

Gary Furze:
Of course you can.

Jill Tyrrell:
[long pause] What is that?

Gary Furze:
...I don't know. Shall we scroll on?

Jill Tyrrell:
Word to the wise Linda, please don't goggle at me when I'm in a consultation.

Linda:
[Wheezing] I need my puffer.

Jill Tyrrell:
Linda, you know my feelings on asthma, take a deep breath and get over it, and go get your buns in.

Linda:
[Wheezing] Sorry

Jill Tyrrell:
[to Joy] Just to say, can you not breathe too close to the clients, just while your dentures are settling in?

Jill Tyrrell:
We're not all fish lovers.

Gary Furze:
[at the dating agency]

Jill Tyrrell:
Can we see a picture?

Gary Furze:
Of course you can.

Jill Tyrrell:
[long pause] What is that?

Gary Furze:
I don't know. Shall we scroll on?

Jill Tyrrell:
Linda, you know my feelings on asthma. Take a deep breath and get over it.

Glen Bulb:
[Jill is holding up an incredibly large double-ended dildo] My, my! Some of you ladies must have very small...

Jill Tyrrell:
Mine's tight. Like a cat's anus.

Glenn Bulb:
Oh! Goodness! Some of you ladies must have very large...

Jill Tyrrell:
Mine's tiny. It's like a cat's anus.

Jill Tyrrell:
Now I am not a malicious woman Linda, and I will strike down the first person who says I am. But I will have to dock your wages.

Linda:
Thank you.

Jill Tyrrell:
I'll only dock half a day...

Linda:
Thank you.

Jill Tyrrell:
...so you still go home five pounds richer.

Jill Tyrrell:
[Phone rings, answer machine picks up] Hiya Cath, Hiya Don. It's Jill. I know I'm not allowed to speak to you anymore, but I'm just phoning to say I've shot myself. Bye.

Jill Tyrrell:
[after jumping onto Cathy's moving car] I just feel like I've lost everything. Lost my husband, lost my best friend, that's you Cath. I'll never have children.

Cathy Cole:
Really?

Jill Tyrrell:
I don't like them Cath.

Cathy Cole:
Oh.

Jill Tyrrell:
[speaking at Terry's funeral]... I am so grateful to Cathy for punching me in the face, throwing me out of her house and trying to run me over. She has taught me that my friendship and love are useless.

Jill Tyrrell:
I'll never have children.

Cathy Cole:
Really?

Jill Tyrrell:
I don't like them Cath.

Jill Tyrrell:
God, you look old, Sue. If you weren't talkin' I might try and bury you!

Jill Tyrrell:
I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you facially, Judy. I'm so sorry. But Linder can do you a little bit of a tidy up down below. Got a variety of styles available. What did you fancy down there, Judy?

Judy Bunce:
Nothing.

Jill Tyrrell:
Really? You want the Hollywood? Gentleman do seem to like the bald bun.

Judy Bunce:
I don't look down there.

Jill Tyrrell:
No. But somebody might, Judy. Albeit a nosy mugger!

Linda:
Sorry about what happened, Jill. With Terry. We just fell in love. He treated me special. Like I was someone special.

Jill Tyrrell:
Well, you know you're not, Linder. Okay.

Linda:
But he told me I was special.

Jill Tyrrell:
Yeah. With all due respect, Linder, Terry would think a window was special, okay. A very low IQ. Round about fifty. Puts him on a par with a donkey.

Linda:
What's mine, Jill?

Jill Tyrrell:
Sausage dog.

Dennis:
[Whilst playing with Stuart the horse]

Dennis:
Say somethin' SPICY to him Jill!

Dennis:
[Jill whispers into Stuarts ear]

Dennis:
What did you say?

Jill Tyrrell:
Hi Stuart, how's you?

Jill Tyrrell:
He's a killer! He's a killer!

Dennis:
Is that what you're suggesting Jill?

Jill Tyrrell:
Is that what you're suggesting DENNIS?

Jill Tyrrell:
I'm a born-again Christian Sue.

Jill Tyrrell:
Talk about skeletons, Cath!

Cathy Cole:
Oh, he'll fill out.

Jill Tyrrell:
I'm talkin' about sons I aint never heard of comin' out the woodworm.

Cathy Cole:
Well, he's been at boarding school down here.

Jill Tyrrell:
There's always one you love less.

[Cathy and Jill leave the house to find a very large steming pile of human waste on the lawn]

Cathy Cole:
Golly gum drops! Do you know anything about that, Jill?

Jill Tyrrell:
Don't know, Cath. Sue was pilin' them biscuits in. Maybe that Vicar, y'know, in his country.

Don Cole:
Jill, I'm gonna have to go. Cath'll be wondering where I've got to.

Jill Tyrrell:
Please stay with me, Don. Got a pot of Ravioli in my bag.

Don Cole:
Sounds great, Jill. But...

Jill Tyrrell:
Please, Don! We could share some meaty cushions!

Jill Tyrrell:
Apparently, Linder, Bruce would like to paint you. So I'd like you to go over there, please, take all your clothes off and leave him with these tissues.

Linda:
In case he starts crying?