Nikki

Nikki White:
I've got this big audition to dance in Las Vegas.

Marion:
Somewhere near the airport I'm guessing.

Nikki White:
I'm not a stripper. I'm a dancer and not a stripper dancer. A dancer dancer. I have studied jazz, tap and ballet. I have busted my ass since I was four years old.

Marion:
Nice mouth for a ballerina.

Dwight White:
Hey, come on. Both of you back off. This is my going away party and Nikki may not have been invited Mom but she's still a guest.

Nikki White:
Thank you.

Marion:
You're right honey. Where are my manners. [She begins walking away] Well, they're obviously not under her skirt or we'd all see them.

Nikki White:
[to Dwight] Wow. This is my church skirt.

Mary:
[Immediately after performing a ridiculous Godzilla number in what appear to be dinosaur costumes] Well, that sucked.

Dwight White:
[about Nikki] She can't do ballet because her breasts are too big.

Dwight White:
You're not getting my mom drunk, Nikki.

Nikki White:
Look, when they clean a bear's teeth at the zoo, they don't just say, "Hop up in the chair and open wide." They shoot the thing with a dart first.

Dwight White:
Hey, you know maybe she's coming to make peace. Look, I swear once you get to know my mom you're gonna love her. [he checks his watch] Hey, we got a couple of minutes. You wanna go do it in front of her picture? She'd hate that! [the doorbell rings]

Nikki White:
Oh, there she is. Hey, want to do it in front of her? She'd *really* hate that!

Dwight White:
Nikki?

Nikki White:
Hey. Oh, God. Honey, I didn't want you to see me in this show. [he holds up a bouquet of flowers] And you bought me flowers and we can't afford flowers. Tell me you are a good husband and you stole those.

Martine:
This is something that's so shocking, so provocative, it could put the Golden Calf Showroom on the map. But I need someone special. Someone who can sing. Someone who can mesmerize an audience with her voice and wear a tall hat without tipping over.

Mary:
I can sing!

Nikki White:
I can sing too! And I played Abe Lincoln in third grade. Tall hat, no fall! [the girls all start talking at once]

Martine:
Bup-bup-bup-bup! Now ladies I'm sure that you all have your... skills but a truly gifted singer can make, well, even a grocery list sound like an operetta. So, Mary, sing me a posting on the notice board. [Mary goes over the board and sings]

Mary:
Roommate wanted. No smoking. No pets. Bi-curious a plus. [She takes the notice off the board]

Martine:
Hmm. Uh, Luna?

Luna:
Yes, Martine. [Luna goes to the board and sings] Will whoever stole my favorite pair of platforms give them back, you b*tch?

Martine:
Very nice. Yeah. Uh, Nikki? [Nikki clears her throat and goes to the board. She sings]

Nikki White:
Please sign this petition to get Martine canned [She blocks the notice from Martine, who tries to take a closer look at it] and bottled water because we want him well fed and hydrated. [Martine rips up the notice and storms off]

Nikki White:
Hey, who wants to go see some professional wrastling tonight?

Luna:
I'm in!

Mary:
Sure. I'll just go hitch up my trailer, put in my good teeth and... no.

Dwight White:
I am no stranger to humiliation. On my twelfth birthday my mom came to school dressed as a clown and handed out pocket combs. Later that day all the kids decided to see exactly how many pocket combs fit in my shorts. The answer was all of them.

Nikki White:
[singing] I've always wondered why famous people die in threes./If they're not crashing private planes they're skiing into trees./Two have died of late and with baited breath we wait./To learn the awful news, who's next?/Will Mark McGwire light on fire?/Or Michael Jordan be post-mortem?/Will a thousand voltas hit Travolta?/Who's next? Who's next?/Will Shania get hit by a twain?/Will Leonardo be decapitato?/History has shown that these folks don't never die alone. Until then I'm watching CNN./

Nikki White:
Excuse me. Honey, I think those are our seats.

Kid:
No, they're not.

Nikki White:
[chuckles] Yeah, I'm pretty sure they are.

Kid:
Well, we're sitting here so looks like you're SOL.

Nikki White:
[Nikki is shocked] Well, if we are you little S-head, I'll kick your A. [the kid and his friend run away]

Dwight White:
That's like the fiftieth time I had to lose to Thor so after the match I go right up to Jupiter. I get in his face and I'm like, "Listen, pal! Things are gonna be different from now on because if I'm gonna keep losing, I want to at least lose to a better class of wrestler."

Nikki White:
Wow, honey. You actually said that to him?

Dwight White:
Yeah. Except for the words. And the attitude. And the fact that he was standing on his desk holding my cap above my head and making me jump up and down for it.

Nikki White:
Well, I know how you can get on his good side and maybe get your cap back.

Dwight White:
All right. I'm listening.

Nikki White:
We set him up on a date with Mary.

Dwight White:
[laughing] No!

Nikki White:
Why not?

Dwight White:
Because he's my boss. And if the date goes wrong he'll hollow me out and smoke me like a pipe. And not in a good way.