No Strings Attached

Emma:
You look like a pumpkin, b*tch!

Shira:
We're sluts, Emma! We're dirty dirty sluts!

Shira:
God, I am single as f***.

Emma:
Congrats? For what, having sex with you?

Adam:
You did a good job, so... I thought you deserved a balloon.

Adam:
I'm warning you, if you take one step closer, I'm never letting you go.

Eli:
Who do you think you are, the old guy from "Up"?

Alvin:
She's just so hot.

Adam:
I know how hot she is.

Vanessa:
[peeking out into the hallway] That's really sweet, thanks guys!

Adam:
F*** you!

Eli:
You know what the best part about my gay dads is?

Adam:
What?

Eli:
They're never gonna eat out my ex-girlfriends.

Wallace:
You and your dad are tunnel buddies, huh?

Emma:
[wearing 3-D glasses] Wow... it looks like it's coming right at me.

Guy:
[after watching Adam walk to Emma's room naked] Yup, I'm definitely gay.

Eli:
Ten years from now you're gonna be having sex with your wife. And it's gonna be in the missionary position. And one of you is going to be asleep.

Patrice:
It's like a crime scene in my pants.

Emma:
I think monogamy goes against our basic biology.

Patrice:
Don't worry, we're all doctors here, so we've seen plenty of penises.

Emma:
Sometimes, my neck gets sore.

Adam:
Why?

Emma:
Because my brain is so big.

Emma:
I'm going to start peeing with the door open, it's going to get weird.

Wallace:
Look at my face.

Eli:
[banging his left fist on Adam's door] I can't focus on my porn with all this real sex going on around me!

Emma:
Do you wanna do this?

Adam:
Do what?

Emma:
Use each other for sex, at all hours of the day and night. Nothing else.

Adam:
Yeah, I could do that.

Emma:
Good. It's gonna be fun.

Adam:
I understand what's going on. You're all on the same cycle. This is very exciting. Your uterine walls will be shedding for the next three to five days.

Shira:
Nice memorization. Did you Google that?

Adam:
I may have. Because you're women. And I think that's a beautiful thing. Oh...

[takes out a CD]

Adam:
I also made you this.

[hands it to Emma]

Adam:
To help soothe your womb.

Patrice:
It's a mix!..."Even Flow." "Red, Red Wine."

Shira:
"Sunday Bloody Sunday"?

Emma:
Adam. You made me... a period mix?

Guy:
That's so romantic!

Patrice:
Frank Sinatra, "I've Got the World on a String"!

Adam:
It's a classic.

Adam:
You know, I don't want to freak you out, but I'd love to hang out with you in the daytime sometime.

Emma:
It's not really possible. I have no time. I work 80 hours a week doing 36-hour shifts. What I need is someone who's going to be in my bed in 2 a.m. who I don't have to lie to or eat breakfast with.

Adam:
I hate breakfast.

Emma:
Do you want to do this?

Adam:
Do what?

Emma:
Use each other for sex at all hours of the day and night, nothing else.

Adam:
[soundbite of music] Yeah, I could do that.

Emma:
Good.

Emma:
I'll be gone for like, an hour... I'm just getting some... Yogurt.

Alvin:
We don't get to pick who we fall in love with, and it doesn't happen like it should.

Emma:
I made you a Valentine's Day card.

Adam:
What? [laughs] It's perfect. Will you read it for me?

Emma:
[reads card] You give me premature ventricular contractions.

Adam:
I'm assuming that's a good thing.

Emma:
You make my heart skip a beat.

Adam:
Aww.

Emma:
Don't make fun of me!

Shira:
You bringing Adam to the Christmas party tonight?

Emma:
No. Things were getting too intense so we decided not to see each other until we hook up with other people.

Shira:
Okay. Yes. Good! We are getting laid tonight. This is going to be like Sideways only you're Paul Giamatti and I'm the guy who gets laid.

Emma:
I can't get laid?

Shira:
No. Tonight is about me, Emma. I'm feeling hot. I'm feeling good. I'm wearing bikini bottoms because my other underwear is dirty. Alright, we're hot. You feel hot?

Emma:
[shrugs] No one threw up on me today.

Shira:
We're sluts, Emma. We're dirty, dirty sluts!

Emma:
Okay.

Shira:
Remember, we're sluts!

Emma:
Yeah, I stuck it in.

Emma:
[wakes up] Adam!

Adam:
What?

Emma:
We fell asleep and we were spooning.

Adam:
We were?

Emma:
Yeah. And we were spooning with our clothes on which is like 10 times worse.

Emma:
That hole is my b*tch!

Eli:
I'm not saying Alvin and I did mushrooms together, but I'm not prepared to say we didn't.

Katie:
Mom is so excited. She was like screaming and crying last night! Oh, and she's going to fly down with Bones and help me shop for the dress.

Emma:
[interrupts] Who? Bones? Who's Bones? Katie, who's Bones?

Katie:
He's mom's friend. I wasn't supposed to tell you about him.

Emma:
She has a boyfriend named Bones? What is he a drifter?

Katie:
No!

Emma:
Why didn't she tell me?

Katie:
Emma, you're so good at being alone. Mom and I aren't like that.

Emma:
What's that supposed to mean?

Katie:
Just, it's true.

Lucy:
That was such a fail on my part.

Shira:
[to Emma] Can I say something? And don't take this the wrong way because you know I'll be your friend no matter what. You've been kind of depressing to be around lately and I might start avoiding you in the hallway. Just thought you should know.

Sandra Kurtzman:
You know I worry about you sometimes.

Emma:
Why? Is this about me not having a date?

Sandra Kurtzman:
No, I know you can dance alone. I know that you'll be fine. You're always fine.

Emma:
So?

Sandra Kurtzman:
I don't know. When we lost your father I couldn't stand to see you in pain and I think you knew that. I think that you got good at being strong for me. [pauses] I'm telling you be hurt. I can take it. The world can take it.

Emma:
[teary] Okay.

Lucy:
Chuck! If I catch you taking pictures of your dick one more time I'm taking that thing away.

Emma:
Adam, you're wonderful. If you're lucky you're never gonna see me again.

Emma:
Dr. Metzner? Adam, what's going on? What happened?

Dr. Metzner:
He sprained his wrist punching a wall.

Emma:
You texted me that you were dying.

Adam:
It really hurt.

Dr. Metzner:
I gave him some Hyrdocodone for the night. It's a very strong painkiller. You might want to have Dr. Kurtzman here drive you home. And here is a prescription for an anti-inflammatory. [hands to Emma] Don't worry, you're in good hands. Your girlfriend here is a very talented doctor.

Emma:
No! I'm not his girlfriend.

Adam:
She is not my girlfriend.

Dr. Metzner:
Oh sorry. I saw that he listed you as an emergency contact. My mistake. Oh by the way, I enjoyed your dad's TV show. Great Scott! It's funny stuff.

Adam:
I'll tell him you said that. [pops pill]

Lucy:
F*** you, Chuck! You're very talented but f*** you!

Adam:
My dad invited me to dinner and he's bringing Vanessa. You have to come with me.

Emma:
No, I don't. I just worked 14 hours. I'm not gonna meet your parents.

Adam:
You know what? Just help me. These are really powerful painkillers. I can't feel anything.

Emma:
[slaps Adam] Feel that?

Adam:
Yeah. I felt that.

Alvin:
How long have you two been together?

Emma:
Oh, we're not.

Adam:
We're sex friends.

Emma:
Yes we are.

Adam:
Friends with benefits. F*** buddies.

Alvin:
[surprised] Great Scott!

Emma:
Don't list me as your emergency contact. I won't come.

Adam:
Isn't that against your Hypocratic Oath?

Emma:
Yeah. I'd let you die!

Patrice:
This is a frat party. You just have to be drunk and look hot. Watch and learn. [gets on table and yells to the whole party] Hey! Hey! I'm so drunk!

Adam:
Don't call my penis cute. Even if it's dressed up as a Care Bear and it's giving you a care stare.

Emma:
Don't dress up your penis. Ever!

Eli:
I'd have sex with a pioneer, for sure.

Emma:
I'm Emma Kurtzman. You tried to finger me!

Alvin:
Come on. Hit me!

Adam:
What? No. I'm not going to hit you. I don't want to hurt you.

Alvin:
You're not going to hurt me. Come on! [flexes] Come on, quick before I get a hernia!

Emma:
You want to go with me to this stupid thing?

Emma:
The height difference! When we stand next to each other it looks like he's kidnapping me.

Patrice:
You always do this. You always find something wrong with everybody who likes you. And I date guys who have real problems. I date guys who steal my credit card and then they tell me it's my fault because I left it out. You find these perfect guys and then you're like, it will never work he's too happy.

Emma:
What's up, Dr. Metzner! [shocked] Did I just say what's up to Steven Metzner?

Patrice:
That was really hard to watch.

Emma:
Look I know I'm supposed to want to be in a relationship, but I just end up with a broken heart and a bunch of his old t-shirts.

Emma:
Ring ring! It's the pumpkin patch. They want their pumpkins back!

Lisa:
We're not pumpkins!

Joy:
We're ladies!

Emma:
But you're so orange! [Adam tries carrying Emma inside] Hey! Someone call Charlie Brown! We found the Great Pumpkin!

Alvin:
Let's smoke some weed!

Adam:
So, what's up with not calling me back?

Emma:
I'm not good at this stuff.

Adam:
At what? Talking?

Emma:
Yeah, talking. Communicating. Relationship stuff. If we were in a relationship I would become a weird scary version of myself. My throat starts constricting. The walls start throbbing. It's like a peanut allergy, like an emotional peanut allergy.

Adam:
Well, I can't date you either. You're not my dad's type.

Adam:
You're crazy. I felt like Flava-Flav.

Emma:
I can't believe you chose those girls.

Adam:
You jealous?

Emma:
Don't do that. Don't just disappear like that on me.

Adam:
You told me to.

Emma:
You shouldn't listen to me.

Adam:
Alright, I won't.

Young Adam:
So, I'm pretty good at archery.

Young Emma:
That'll be useful if you ever have a time machine and your time machine breaks and you're stuck in the Medieval Ages.

Young Adam:
You're funny, it's weird.

Young Emma:
Yeah. I'm weird.

Young Adam:
Me too.

Young Emma:
Yeah, well everyone loves you and your dad's like famous or something.

Young Adam:
My parents are getting a divorce. That's why I had to go to camp. [cries]

Young Emma:
Are you crying?

Young Adam:
No.

Young Emma:
Look, I'm not really an affectionate person. People aren't meant to be together forever.

Young Adam:
You think so?

Young Emma:
Yeah.

Young Adam:
Can I finger you?

Young Emma:
No.

Katie:
[answers phone] Hey! How did it go? Did you find him?

Emma:
Yeah, he was with a girl. It's his girlfriend. And I was in a bush.

Katie:
Oh crap. [pauses] Are you still there?

Emma:
[crying] Yeah.

Katie:
Okay, get in your car and drive away. How much money do you have on you?

Emma:
Uh, like 10 bucks.

Katie:
Okay, the box of 50 doughnut holes is $5.79. You're gonna need two boxes.

Emma:
[crying harder] I lost him!

Katie:
I'm so sorry. I love you.

Emma:
I know. [hangs up]

Alvin:
When you're married and you do blow, try to stay away from women who want to f*** you. Even ugly women. Blow is blind, Adam. Blow is blind.

Adam:
You're an a**hole.

Alvin:
But you're not. You got a good heart, Adam. Try to keep it.

Eli:
Hey!

Patrice:
Did we? Yes, we did. We went to college together. You have two gay dads.

Eli:
Yeah, I'm the man with the two gay dads.

Patrice:
They helped me move my boxes sophomore year.

Eli:
They're the best. I love them. I'm super straight, though.

Patrice:
Okay.

Adam:
[answers phone] Hello?

Emma:
Hi. It's Emma Kurtzman from Camp Weehawken.

Adam:
Yes. What is it?

Emma:
So my sister's getting married in Santa Barbara tomorrow and, I don't know. I heard your show was tonight. Congratulations.

Adam:
Thank you.

Emma:
I know this is random. I just, um, I miss you. I miss you so much.

Adam:
Ok. I don't know what to say. You're calling me because you're at your sister's wedding and she looks happy and everyone is happy and you're not

Emma:
I thought. [pauses] I don't know what I thought. I guess I wanted to hear your voice. I mean, I know we broke up but.

Adam:
[interrupts] Emma. We didn't break up. We never started. Look, I gotta go. I'm still at work. Have fun at the wedding and tell your sister congratulations for me. Bye. [hangs up]

Emma:
[looks at phone] Aw f***.

Lucy:
So then when I was, like, 11 I was in therapy because I was, like, obsessively biting my hair and then three months in my therapist died. I know! So that was, like, kind of a bummer. But yeah, that's why I hate planes.

Emma:
I can't stop thinking about him.

Katie:
Who? Adam?

Emma:
Yeah. I know it's over and I'm looking. It's just that no one is as.

Katie:
[interrupts] Tall?

Emma:
He's so tall.

Katie:
So tall.

Emma:
And he's so, like.

Katie:
Happy?

Emma:
Annoyingly happy, all the time. But he has this. [pauses] He has the best heart.

Adam:
Go on a date with me.

Emma:
[laughing] You're heavily sedated.

Emma:
Taxi! [gets in car] Take me to Adam's house!

Taxi Driver:
Okay, ma'am, where's that?

Emma:
Where Adam lives!

Adam:
I can't keep doing this. I'm not gonna see you again.

Emma:
I know. That makes sense.

Adam:
Bye.

Emma:
This isn't really my place. I mean, who am I? I just have sex with your son sometimes.

Adam:
Yes she does!

Emma:
But, there is really no reason for you to bring a child into this world since you're acting like children already.

Vanessa:
That was really mean.

Emma:
Yeah, I'm mean. But you're f***ing crazy. Because given the choice between Adam and his dad. Given the choice between Adam and anyone, really, I'd choose Adam. Every time. [to Adam] Do you want to get out of here?

Adam:
Yeah. F*** this.

Emma:
Oh, by the way. It's the best sex of my life. [yells] Great Scott!

Adam:
[to Shira] Listen, I want you to know that I respect you.

Shira:
Thank you!

Adam:
Normally I would remember the name of someone that I've

Shira:
[interrupts] What? Oh my God. Did you think we had sex? We did not have sex!

Guy:
Hey Adam. You left your socks in my room.

Adam:
Did I?

Guy:
You did.

Adam:
Did I, by chance, leave my pants in your room?

Guy:
No. When we met you weren't wearing pants.

Adam:
Come on, it's one date. Just do it.

Emma:
Why? So I can wear make up and act perfect all night?

Adam:
So, did I just pass out on your couch?

Emma:
No. Then you did this thing. It was like, a dance?

Adam:
Dance?

Emma:
Yeah, like. [impersonates Adam's dance]

Adam:
I shook my dick at you?

Emma:
Yeah.

Adam:
Oh, sh*t. I'm sorry.

Emma:
No, no. It was exciting. It was like, you were cheering while you were doing it. You were like, "look at my dick!"

Adam:
Did you look at it?

Emma:
Yeah I looked. It was nice. You have a really nice penis.

Adam:
Nice?

Emma:
Seems kind of like carefree.

Shira:
I just pulled a penis out of a Vitamin Water yesterday, so we are cool with penises here.

Adam:
[Calling Emma] You can't just suddenly call me and say you miss me!

Emma:
I know...

Adam:
No, do not call me to say you miss me. Do not text me, do not e-mail me... do not write it on my wall! If you really miss me, come here and tell me that!

Adam:
You eat like a baby dinosaur; you don't even chew.

Adam:
Hey, you can't call me and tell me that you miss me. I don't want to have that conversation on the phone. So you can't text me and you can't e-mail me and you can't write on my wall. Like, if you really miss me, you need to grow up and get in your car and come and see me.

Sam:
I'm the guy she marries, Adam. You're the guy she f***ed a couple of times in the handicapped bathroom.

Guy:
I love it when we're all on the same cycle. We all get to be passive-aggressive and fight.

Patrice:
You are not even a woman.

Adam:
Hey!

Emma:
What?

Adam:
Thank you for what you did back at the restaurant.

Adam:
Go on a date with me.

Emma:
You're heavily sedated.

Adam:
Come on,it's... It's one date. Just do it.

Emma:
Why? So I can wear make up and act perfect all night?

Adam:
Yeah. I'll pick you up, and we can talk about our favorite books and our favorite TV shows. I'll pay for everything and you can reward me with an over-the-jeans cock rub. Like a real date.

Emma:
Is that really what you want?

Adam:
This Friday.

Patrice:
[Into front door intercom] Hello?

Adam:
Hi, it's Adam.

Patrice:
[Looks at Emma, who shakes her head "no", then back into intercom] Go away.

Adam:
I've got cupcakes. [Gets buzzed in]