North

North:
Do I need a lawyer?

Winchell:
North, this is America. Everybody needs a lawyer.

Waitress:
One Coca Cola and

Waitress:
one Sex On The Beach.

Arthur Belt:
Aren't I naughty.

North's Father:
I saw some blood in my stool this morning.

Pa Tex:
Well I reckon we'll wake up early and eat, then we'll dig for oil and eat, then we'll rope some doggies, bust a few broncs and maybe get a bite to eat. You like Tex Mex?

North:
Sure, I'm a big fan of any food that straddles two borders.

Pa Tex:
That's my boy.

North:
What are you doing here?

North:
No I mean, have you ever been an Easter Bunny?

Pa Tex:
Careful, Son, Gabby's killed men for less than that.

North:
Oh, sorry.

North:
How can Labor Day be next week? I just got here.

North:
No wonder we stopped for lunch 49 times.

Pa Tex:
Remember before when I told you that everything I own is the biggest and the best? Well you're already the best. Now there's nothing left but to make you the biggest.

Ma Tex:
And don't fret about not being able to clean up your plate. Why soon your stomach will stretch and stretch and your capacity for food will grow and grow.

North:
You say that like that's a good thing to have happen to your stomach.

Pa Tex:
It is.

North:
Why?

Ma Tex:
Then you'll be like Buck.

North:
Who?

Pa Tex:
Our first son. The biggest boy this big state's ever seen. Why he could eat more in one day than anyone else could eat in a whole month.

Ma Tex:
That's why Buck hated February.

North:
Where the hell are my parents?

Winchell:
North, did you say the word 'hell'? My, the summer's really broadened you.

North:
Winchell, I've got exactly 10 minutes to find my parents and if you don't tell me where they are, I'll show you how the summer's broadened me you little a**hole!

North:
How does that get me into a good college?

Governor Ho:
Well since we don't use the letters B, C, D and F, you're pretty much guaranteed to get straight A's.

Arthur Belt:
This is working out bigger than we thought.

Winchell:
Bigger than *you* thought. That's why you're only gonna be president.

Governor Ho:
There is only one barren spot on our whole island. Unfortunately, it's Mrs. Ho.

Amish Father:
Greetings, North, I am thy new father and this good woman who art my wife, is thy new mother. And these are thy new brothers who art named Ezikeo, and these are thy new brothers who art named Art.

Winchell:
Now is the time to say, "just because you were born 25 or 30 years before me, it doesn't make you smart! It doesn't make you right! It just makes you look old! It just makes you smell worse in the morning!"

North's Dad:
If you wanna know how to build a rocket to fly a man into outer space, don't come to me. If you need somebody to perform a delicate brain operation, I'm not your man. However if you have any questions what so ever on the quality of a good pair of pants, look no further!

Winchell:
As of next Monday, no parent will be permitted to see an R-rated movie, unless accompanied by a kid.

North:
What metaphor is that?

North:
Winchell, you put out a three-page leaflet with a circulation of 90.

Winchell:
Might even land me a Pulitzer.

Attorney:
Your honor, the defense rests.

North:
Adam, what are you doing here?

Adam:
Listen very carefully. I'm not here. You never saw me. We're not even having this conversation right now. Got that?

North:
Got what?

Adam:
Perfect.

North:
What are you doing here?

Gabby:
Well I finished all my chores, I thought I'd get a little shootin' in.

North:
No I mean, have you ever been an Easter Bunny?

Gabby:
Easter Bunny?

Pa Tex:
Careful, Son, Gabby's killed men for less than that.

North:
Oh, sorry.

Gabby:
No harm done.

Ma Tex:
[to North] We'd like you show you how much we're looking forward to having you as our new son. Ready, Pa?

Pa Tex:
Ready, Ma!

Ma Tex:
[singing] We had a son who was trampled by a ton of longhorns, but you're very cute to fill his boots as flat as they may be.

Pa Tex:
[singing] You'll yell "yippie yi yo" with the rodeo til' the day's done.

Ma Tex:
[singing] Then you'll make a lot of pals with buffalo gals.

Pa Tex:
[whispering] Just leave some for me!

Ma Tex:
Hey, there!

Ma Tex, Pa Tex:
[singing with a chorus] We'll barbecue steaks and stew, feed you pumpkin pie, til' your can's bigger than the big ol' Texas sky!

Ma Tex:
[singing] You'll grow tall and play football, be famous!

Pa Tex:
[singing] You'll grow more, own a chain of stores, marry Betsy Lou!

Ma Tex, Pa Tex:
[singing with a chorus] Oh, North, North! Grow bi-i-i-i-ig!

[song ends]

Pa Tex:
'Nother rib, son?

News Reporter:
Arthur Belt, the rising politician who drafted the bill...

Arthur Belt:
[Winchell shuts off the TV] Wait! They were talking about me!

Winchell:
Relax, Arthur, pretty soon you'll be hearing your name so much even YOU will be sick of it.

Arthur Belt:
I highly doubt it.

Joey Fingers:
A bird in the hand is always greener than the grass under the other guy's bushes.  It's a metaphor used by gardeners and landscaping people in general.