Nurse

[calling an end to his session with Liz]

Herbert:
My dear, I really do need to masturbate now.

[Liz has been encouraging Herbert to get a smoke alarm fitted in his house]

Herbert:
I do appreciate your concern, my dear, but if I were to die of smoke inhalation, it would actually be rather a good way to go. Whereas if an alarm went off, it would simply alert me to my impending doom, and that would be no fun at all.

Herbert:
When I was young, I was taught that sex was the filthiest, dirtiest thing imaginable, and that you should save it for someone you loved.

Nurse Liz:
Are you a Catholic, then, Herbert?

Herbert:
I was indeed, though I lapsed a long time ago. But I shall be forever grateful to the Church. The sense of guilt, shame and remorse it engenders means that sex is never anything less than exciting.