NYPD Blue

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
The future keeps telling us what the past was about. You make the past mean different things by the way you use the time that comes after.

Det. Bobby Simone:
You were pushing it, now you're under arrest. You're a collar, you understand that?

Richard Manzak:
You guys are fags, right? You're fags from some women's group.

Andy:
That don't make us bad people.

Katie Sipowicz:
I heard something in your voice, Andy, when you called me.

Andy:
I guess what you heard didn't include the words coming out of my mouth.

Katie Sipowicz:
I heard something and I checked my intuition, afterwards by prayer.

Andy:
Katie, this has gotta stop. After God tells you what to do, if I'm involved in the message, you check back with me.

Det. Danny Sorenson:
All right, into the cage for a while.

Julio Diaz:
For what?

Det. Danny Sorenson:
For breaking balls. You give me no cooperation, I'm gonna run you for warrants in every jurisdiction in America.

Julio Diaz:
Man, go out and get shot in the street.

Det. Danny Sorenson:
Yeah, why don't you write that up for Reader's Digest? "My Worst Day Ever So Far" by Julio.

Andy:
You got a lot of morons in your family? 'Cause that could be genetic.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
Keep me posted.

Andy:
Any cases you don't want us to keep you posted on? What's the point in saying that?

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
OK, then, get outta my office.

Andy:
Romeo's a rage-a-holic, which means he's often pissed off, unlike the vast majority of us gliding along devil-may-care.

Det. Danny Sorenson:
What's wrong with John babysitting?

Andy:
He's gay, that's what's wrong with it.

Det. Danny Sorenson:
I mean, c'mon, Andy, how long you known him?

Andy:
A long time, and he's been gay every day of it.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
Here's some free advice: get enough self-respect so when some fool starts talking to you like a n*gger, you don't go half nuts and jam yourself up needing to prove he isn't right.

Officer Reggie Fancy:
You got some funny ideas about self-respect.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
My idea's when I hear an ass out in the field braying, I don't feel any deep need to start braying back.

A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal:
As it happens, the courts have upheld that a confession can be obtained by ruse or trick, so long as an innocent man wouldn't be deceived.

Andy:
There's a relief.

A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal:
But that doesn't make me any more comfortable with what you've done.

Andy:
What's your name again?

A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal:
Arnold Rosenthal.

Andy:
Yeah, well, Arnold, why don't you leave me your card, and I'll be in touch the second that your comfort becomes important to me.

A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal:
I don't know what Sylvia sees in you.

Andy:
D*ckhead.

Henry Coffield:
I'm not a kid anymore, Simone. If you can't be kind about the people you feel kindness towards, you're no damn good.

Det. Bobby Simone:
The way I look at that, Henry: if we're still drawing breath, we have a chance to do something on our shortcomings besides piss and moan.

Andy:
How many times you want to get hit?

Ted:
You know, the last time you hit me I jumped up and sat on my own testicle.

Ted:
[Indicating discomfort about the hidden mike taped to his crotch] This is uncomfortable.

Andy:
The alternative location is up your ass.

Ted:
Alllll right. Let me learn to live with this.

Skel:
I was holding that deck for someone else.

Det. Danny Sorenson:
Does the guy you were holding it for call you "my friend the moron"?

Det. Danny Sorenson:
He's the fast-talker of the partnership, while you take care of the silent, brooding chores?

A.D.A. Valerie Haywood:
I've got a big problem.

Lt. Tony Rodriguez:
Oh, that's third floor. We're small to medium problems down here.

Det. Greg Medavoy:
Don't you keep a daily log or something?

Bus Dispatcher:
Daily log. What do I look like, Captain Kirk?

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
I don't take that from anyone, that what-do-you-expect thumb stuff.

Agent Francis:
[to Danny] You remind me of Donnie Osmond with your partner's personality.

Det. Danny Sorenson:
Agent Frances, I'm proud to say I've got all of Donnie's albums, including Mormon Hymns To Federal Agents Who Steal Their Weekly Paychecks.

Det. Danny Sorenson:
Where's a good homicide when you need one?

Det. Bobby Simone:
How you been feeling, Vince?

Det. Vince Gotelli:
I told you. I have generalized coronary artery disease, abnormal in the thallium stress test, and now I'm having difficult urinating.

Andy:
Coronary system failing, urinary system failing. Now he's at the stage, you ask him how he's feeling, he tells you.

Det. Greg Medavoy:
You pay a toll for ongoing uncertainty.

Dr. Wentzel:
You think you're a psychiatrist?

Andy:
No, I'm a Polack detective, knows you get away with murder, you leave the crime scene and you go about your life. It's you, you intelligent types, you always got to provide an alternate suspect.

Andy:
She make any derogatory references?

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
She said you were old and bald.

Andy:
Old?

Det. Danny Sorenson:
Bald?

Ronald:
Why are you so viciously callous?

Andy:
It's how I deal with my continuous grief.

Det. Bobby Simone:
We got the weapon from your apartment there, Rick.

Andy:
Always a right move tossing the piece, Rick, though at the time it may seem wasteful.

Big Rick:
[after confessing to a robbery-homicide] Money from the safe stashed in my apartment, black leather bag under some skin magazines in the corner behind the bed. I want to use that to pay for a lawyer.

Andy:
Don't exactly work that way, Big Rick, but if they try at the trial passing you off as the mastermind, you tell 'em what you just said.

Dr. Talbot:
He needs to be tranquillized.

Andy:
You pull a tranquillizer gun on me and the safari stops at the dentist! He's got the wrong elephant.

Det. Greg Medavoy:
[to a witness who's smoking in the car while on a stakeout] Put that out; it's affecting my sinuses.

Witness:
Gotta do something while I'm sitting here.

Det. Greg Medavoy:
Why you gotta do something? Why can't you just be?

Witness:
Be what?

Det. Greg Medavoy:
Just be what you are.

Witness:
I am being what I am. I'm a smoker.

Det. John Kelly:
How's the drying out going?

Andy:
Helps when the first week's unconscious. Now I go two, three minutes where booze never crosses my mind.

Andy:
That was positive, wasn't it? "Our pleasure"?

Det. John Kelly:
Fair.

Andy:
What should I have said? "Our pleasure, rooty-toot-toot"?

Andy:
[while examining the body of a decapitated man whose head is sitting in his own lap] You don't often encounter this method of suicide.

Andy:
[Sipowicz suspects Russell is drunk on a bar stakeout] What the Hell are you doing?

Det. Diane Russell:
Acting like a slut. Isn't that what the boss wants?

Det. Greg Medavoy:
[Medavoy has found out Lesniak is gay] But, but you had a boyfriend!

Det. Adrianne Lesniak:
And now I have a girlfriend, okay?

Andy:
[Rodriguez has announced he is leaving] If this is about Ortiz, deal with it. But if you're leaving because you're pissed off about the outcome of the trial, stay and fight ot! Leaving is a punk move and you know it!

Lt. Tony Rodriguez:
Ortiz is none of your business; and I've never punked out on anything in my life.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
[an overweight woman has demanded to see Sipowicz] Andy, there's no easy way to say this, but Jeri is having issues with Diane and Jill. She's demanding to see you.

Andy:
That ain't goin' to happen.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
Diane and Jill think she's painted herself into a corner with manslaughter and it doesn't need to go that way. Anyway, she says either she talks to you or she lawyer's up.

Andy:
That's what she needs to do then. Maybe we don't do enough of that. [Looks at Simone] See, this amuses you because you don't attract psychotics.

Det. Bobby Simone:
No, it doesn't. Well, yeah, it is amusing; but this could be real serious.

Russian woman:
Marina. Strangled and raped. What is wrong with this country?

Andy:
What's wrong with this country? I'll tell you what's wrong; it's all these foreigners coming over here.

Det. Bobby Simone:
Detective Sipowicz here is one of the few Native American Poles.

Det. Bobby Simone:
What happened, Vince?

Det. Vince Gotelli:
Two guys came in the bar, ordered a drink, then pulled their guns and held up the place. Then all of a sudden they started shooting. I pulled my piece and shot back. I think I hit one, but then I went down.

Det. Bobby Simone:
But you weren't hit, were you?

Det. Vince Gotelli:
No, chest pains. One of the guys left holding his shoulder. I wonder why I got chest pains at that moment?

Andy:
Might be a sign from God to stay out of these titty bars, Vince.

Det. Baldwin Jones:
[a suspect has demanded a phone book to call an attorney] Oh, you want a phone book, huh? [rips a phone book in half] Okay, you look in that part and I'll look in this part.

Suspect:
Damn! Now, wait a minute. A brother like you don't know his own strength! Tell me again what you want to know!

ADA Leo Cohen:
[to Lt. Fancy] Any breaks on the street shooting? I see you have your ace detectives Medavoy and Martinez on the case.

ADA Leo Cohen:
[to Kirkendall] I don't suppose you have any worthwhile leads in your case?

Det. Jill Kirkendall:
Hey, kiss my ass, Cohen.

ADA Leo Cohen:
Not an entirely unappealing thought, detective. I'll be in Anti-Crime if you need me.

ADA Sylvia Costas:
[Andy and Sylvia are having to adjust to the new baby] Andy, do you remember having sex?

Andy:
Aren't you afraid we'll wake up the baby?

ADA Sylvia Costas:
Well, you'll just have to hold off on doing your Tarzan yell and beating your chest.

Andy:
Yeah, I guess I could not do that this time.

Andy:
[Sylvia has surprised Andy by getting in the shower with him] Uh, Sylvia; you know I usually wash that part of my body down there myself.

ADA Sylvia Costas:
Would you like me to stop?

Andy:
Um, no. You seem to be doing a pretty good job of cleaning it.

Andy:
[to his AA? sponsor, whose son keeps beating him up] "Regret for the past is a waste of spirit." You told me that, remember?

[Martinez is trying to make small talk with Lesniak after he finds out she's gay]

Det. James Martinez:
So, ah, Greg tells me you're gay now. How's that workin' out for you?

Det. Adrianne Lesniak:
Fine. I'm in a stable relationship. James, I just didn't want you to keep hoping for something that wasn't going to happen.

Andy:
[making an announcement at the end of the shift] Could I have everybody's attention! Connie and Me are taking Theo to Disney World. Anybody's got anything to say about it; speak up now.

Lt. Tony Rodriguez:
So, uh, have a wonderful time.

[Connie has suspicions about Sipowicz and Russell]

Det. Connie McDowell:
You won't tell me what's going on with Diane; well, something is going on and I'm being lied to!

[Medavoy and Jones are discussing a DOA]

Det. Greg Medavoy:
Some of these working girls tell me this guy was a pimp. Imagine that; a white pimp. I mean, how does that happen, D?

Det. Baldwin Jones:
Equal opportunity, Greg.

[Jones walks out of the shower to find Haywood in his apartment]

A.D.A. Valerie Haywood:
I thought about what you said. You're right, I am uptight and have a hard time being spontaneous. So...

Det. Baldwin Jones:
So, what does that mean?

A.D.A. Valerie Haywood:
[removes her coat revealing sexy lingerie] So, we have about an hour before we both have to get to work. Any ideas?

Det. Connie McDowell:
Theo walked in on me while I was getting out of the shower this morning.

Det. Rita Ortiz:
Well, was this a glimpse or what?

Det. Connie McDowell:
Everything, I mean the Full Monty.

Det. Rita Ortiz:
Well, at least he has something interesting to use during sharing time at school this morning.

[Clark finds that his father has moved all his belongings into the hall]

Det. John Clark, Jr.:
Dad, what's all my stuff doing out here?

Det. John Clark, Sr.:
Are you going to do what I told you and leave the 15th?

Det. John Clark, Jr.:
No!

Det. John Clark, Sr.:
You goin' to keep working with that bum Sipowicz?

Det. John Clark, Jr.:
Yeah.

Det. John Clark, Sr.:
Then you are leaving this house.

ADA Sylvia Costas:
[after being shot] Andy, take care of the baby!

[an older woman is coming on to Sorenson]

Andy:
You know, sad thing is, back when I was drinking, many's the night I'd have thrown a hump into that.

[Cohen is trying to get back together with Kirkendall]

Andy:
OK, here's your chance, but if you get belligerent with her again, everyone is this squad will take it very personal.

ADA Leo Cohen:
I understand.

Andy:
If you don't understand now, you will about two seconds after you do it.

Det. Danny Sorenson:
My father died when I was like six years old. My mother, she couldn't take care of me and my sisters so she send us over here to live with her sister. I was born in Norway, but over here we lived in Albany. So, was I like your first Norwegian screw?

Officer Mary Franco:
Not even close.

Andy:
We're going to check out the other building this wacko manages. [to Jones] You might want to talk to this guy; he's carrying on about black demons and voices.

Det. Baldwin Jones:
What, do you want me to go in there with my tribal outfit on? [Disgusted, Sipowicz leaves]

Det. Baldwin Jones:
[to Fancy] Do you want me to go in there?

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
Well, do you have a tribal outfit?

Andy:
What's open?

John Irvin:
Not the coffee room.

Andy:
Why 'not the coffee room'?

John Irvin:
Lt. Fancy and Lt. Abner are in there with the door closed. They are having a frank discussion.

Det. Diane Russell:
A very, frank, discussion.

Andy:
[to Jones] Don't go in there unless you hear glass breaking.

Det. Jill Kirkendall:
Suspects only get one phone call; so, you need to decide whether to call your lawyer or your drug dealer.

John Irvin:
Unless they are the same person.

Det. Danny Sorenson:
Ok, Nicki; we know you and Derek planned to steal Beller's art. Now. Derek pulling a gun on Detective Sipowicz moves him to the top of the list. What you want to do is try to help yourself by wearing a wire when we put you two together and getting Derek to admit that he was the one who planned the whole thing.

Nicki Cameron:
If I do that, will I be implicated in the theft?

Det. Danny Sorenson:
You're already implicated, Nicki; your cooperation in helping us nail Derek will buy you some good will with the DA and the judge.

Det. Diane Russell:
This is where you want to say yes, Nicki.

[Jones is questioning a suspect]

Det. Baldwin Jones:
Now, Arnell; I'm going to ask you some questions and I don't want you to lie to me. Where were you last night?

Arnell:
Man, I was home sleeping all... [Jones slaps Arnell, knocking him out of the chair]

Det. Baldwin Jones:
Arnell, I told you not to lie to me.

Angela Zirrelli:
Pete Magrini is a rat bastard prick who deserves the needle for killing his wife who was my best girl friend!

Det. Diane Russell:
And how do you know this, Angela?

Angela Zirrelli:
He told he during an intimate moment.

Det. Jill Kirkendall:
So, Pete Magrini told you during an intimate moment you were having with him while you were Dino's girlfriend and his wife's 'best girl friend'.

Angela Zirrelli:
Hey, I'm trying to give information here; not nominate myself as the next Mother Teresa. I'm tired of being a sexual football.

Det. Diane Russell:
Did Pete tell you he killed his wife and put her in a 50 gallon drum hidden in a building he used to own?

Angela Zirrelli:
No; he told me her body was buried behind his cousin Tommy's house in Englewood Cliffs.

[Jones and Sipowicz are questioning a suspect]

Elmo:
Man, I can't go to no jail! What am I going to do about my bar?

Andy:
Padlock it, Elmo, and reopen in three to five.

Elmo:
Three to five days?

Det. Baldwin Jones:
Check out Elmo; Mr. Positive Thinking.

Andy:
That's three to five *years*, nitwit.

Det. John Clark, Jr.:
So, Greg; you know my dad, huh?

Det. Greg Medavoy:
Yeah, from task forces and such; never worked in the same squad.

Det. John Clark, Jr.:
Listen, what do you know about 'Dutch Boy'?

Det. Greg Medavoy:
When your dad was working a foot beat in Brooklyn, he walked by Miller's Hardware...

Det. John Clark, Jr.:
Yeah, I know the place.

Det. Greg Medavoy:
Anyway, Clark noticed the door was open. It's a two story; street level and basement. Anyway, your dad goes in and when he goes into the basement; he sees what he thinks is a guy holding a gun. He identifies himself and when the guy doesn't drop the gun; Clark pulls his gun and shoots [starts laughing] . Clark's on the floor, calling for backup when he notices that the guy hasn't moved. [laughing harder] Anyway, he grabs his flashlight and notices that there's this white powder all over him. Then he notices that what he shot was a full size advertisement for 'Dutch Boy' paints and what he thought was a gun was the guy's paint brush. Meanwhile, he shot the brush off and there's two holes in the dummy's crotch. Man, he really got his balls broke over that one and... [notices the stunned look on Clark's face] uh...

Det. Baldwin Jones:
Uh, of course, anyone could have made the same mistake.

Det. Greg Medavoy:
Yeah, sure, could have happened to anybody.

Det. Baldwin Jones:
[Jones has been questioning a rapper about the shooting of another rapper] You know, I'm glad your lawyer showed up, 'cause now I can tell you what I really think. I think you are a punk-ass b*tch wannabe thug just like Jenksy and Andre said. Don't like it? You wanna jump; jump. [Rapper just looks at him] That's what I thought.

Lt. Thomas Bale:
[the squad is fed up with the controlling behavior of Lt. Bale] I expect to be kept informed of everything that is going on in this squad at all times.

Andy:
I'm planning to take a crap later. Would you like to be kept informed about that?

[Danny has been manipulated by a Federal agent and furious about it]

Det. Danny Sorenson:
Well, you'll have to work that out with the bosses, 'cause my inclination is to knock your teeth down your throat for moving me around like a gutter bum.

[Sipowicz is returning Bale's credit card that was found on a gay hustler]

Andy:
Listen, when we were tossing this guy's apartment, I found this. Thought you might want it back. Got to figure, a guy like this is probably dealing in stolen credit cards from all over [walks out as Bale looks stunned]

Lt. Thomas Bale:
[about the credit card] Detective; you know something about me and I want to know what you intend to do about it.

Andy:
Lieutenant, all I know is I found your credit card and returned it to you. That's all I know and all I want to know. 'Night, boss.

Lt. Thomas Bale:
Thank you, Detective.

Lt. Thomas Bale:
Sipowicz, I heard from a friend of mine that oversees the sergeant's exam. You passed.

Andy:
I did?

Lt. Thomas Bale:
Just thought you might want to know ahead of time, before it becomes public. Congratulations. So, you ready to become a boss?

Andy:
[Slightly stunned] I guess I'll find out.

[Fancy has been briefing Rodriguez]

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
Well, that's about it. You know, you haven't asked me any questions about the squad.

Lt. Tony Rodriguez:
Yeah, guess I better do that; wouldn't want to appear apathetic. Any squadroom romances I need to be aware of?

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
None right now.

Lt. Tony Rodriguez:
Okay. Any old school detectives that care more about solving cases than making the bosses happy?

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
Yeah. Sipowicz. He's... unique.

Lt. Tony Rodriguez:
Is he a good detective?

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
If a member of my family was murdered, I'd want Sipowicz to catch the case.

Lt. Tony Rodriguez:
I guess that's it then. Good luck, Captain.

[Sipowicz is supervising his first crime scene as a uniform sergeant]

Det. John Clark, Jr.:
All right, all right, step aside, homicide detectives comin' through. [shows his shield to Sipowicz]

Andy:
How long you been waitin' to say that?

Det. John Clark, Jr.:
[laughing] Every day since you were promoted.

Andy:
[Murphy and Ortiz are watching Sipowicz reprimand a uniformed officer] Hey! Get that damn car out of here! You're blocking the ambulance. What do you think you're doing?

Det. Laura Murphy:
[shaking her head and smiling] Sergeant Sipowicz.

Det. Baldwin Jones:
[Sipowicz shows up at a crime scene] Hey, Andy, what are you doing here? I thought when Bale's shooting was solved, you were going back to uniform.

Det. Rita Ortiz:
[looks at Sipowicz and smiles] Go ahead, tell them.

Andy:
They gave me the squad. Chief of D's told me last night at Medavoy's racket.

Det. John Clark, Jr.:
Really? Why didn't you tell anybody?

Andy:
I didn't want to distract from Medavoy's night. Anyway, it went out this morning.

Det. John Clark, Jr.:
Well, I don't know that I can work for you.

Det. Laura Murphy:
[smiling] I don't know if any of us can.

Andy:
[going along with the joke] That's OK. I was planning on bringing in my own people anyways.

Det. Greg Medavoy:
[Medavoy has been testifying before IAB] Whew, I'm glad that's over. Where's the lieutenant? I need to fill him in on what happened.

John Irvin:
Lt. Fancy left with Detective Jones to pick up a suspect. Detective Jones felt that the suspect needed to be picked up immediately and no one else was here, so...

Det. Greg Medavoy:
[Nervously] Baldwin had to get the lieutenant to cover for me and help pick up a suspect? How was Fancy? Was he, he upset or anything?

John Irvin:
Actually, he was smiling and seemed to be looking forward to it.

Det. Baldwin Jones:
[Fancy has been catching hell all day from the chief] Uh, excuse me, lieutenant. This guy we've got in the pokey gave us a place to pick up the suspect in that shooting this morning. Greg's at IAB and everyone else is out canvassing. Should I call Anti-Crime to go with me to pick up this guy?

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
[Looking at the phone and all the paperwork] No, I'll go with you.

Det. Baldwin Jones:
You'll go? Are you sure? Don't you have other things to do?

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
[Phone begins to ring as Fancy picks up his coat] Are you kidding? I'm going with you. John, I'll be on the air.

Det. Baldwin Jones:
I find out you been lyin' to us, I'll personally come back down here and beat your ass.

Elmo:
[to Sipowicz] You goin' to let him talk to me like that?

Andy:
Well, you know how some guys are. We've been tryin' to get him in an aggression management class.

Det. Connie McDowell:
[after Theo walks in on her getting out of the shower] Did you drop Theo off at school?

Andy:
I dropped him off at Hooters. He insisted.

James Sinclair Esq.:
[when Kelly tries to hire him] I think everyone is entitled to the best lawyer they can find, Detective. I just don't think they're all entitled to me.

Capt. Pat Fraker, IAB:
[Fraker is drunk and accusing Rodriguez of turning him in] You're a lying spic rat, Tony!

Lt. Tony Rodriguez:
[standing up] OK, Captain, now your choices are leave, or get your ass kicked!

Capt. Pat Fraker, IAB:
I want Sipowicz here, now!

Lt. Tony Rodriguez:
Leave now, Captain! [Fraker pulls his pistol and shoots Rodriguez]

Det. Danny Sorenson:
[discussing Det. Russell's choice to leave the 15th with Andy] . I was sick in love with Diane. I guess I had too high an expectation.

Det. Danny Sorenson:
That's just what I wanted tonight - just keepin' company with you.

Andy:
[looking at Simone] "Protude the point for me..."

Andy:
[Simone uses his middle finger to get the pen point out] "I keep sticking myself in the eye."

[Andy is struggling to walk down the stairs]

Det. James Martinez:
Hey, detective, how you making out?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
I don't know, kid. I can't sit down. I'm trying to figure out if a soda's worth having my next two birthdays on these stairs.

Det. James Martinez:
What kind of soda you want? I'm on my way back down.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Cherry.

Det. James Martinez:
Diet or regular?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
What, are you a smartass?

Det. James Martinez:
No!

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Regular.

Det. John Kelly:
How's the drying out going?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
It helps when the first week's unconscious. Now, I go two, three minutes where booze never crosses my mind.

Det. John Kelly:
You want some magazines or something when I come back tomorrow?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yeah... something dirty.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
I do have my doubts about you coming back, and I'm going to give myself time to make up my mind. And while I do, you're on restricted duty in the station house.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Great, I can make those paper clip chains.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
Andy, I don't know if you should be a cop, but you've got a lot of guts.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yeah, well, for awhile there, I was wearing them outside my clothes.

Judge:
We govern by law, not your whim.

Det. John Kelly:
Don't tell me how you govern. I work your streets. I clean up after how you govern. The way you govern stinks.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yanno, I always to figure I'd wind up dead in one of these joints, and you'd be the prick who'd find me.

Larry Sinks:
No offense, you look like the type.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
You wanna try Alaska, chickie? You wanna try banging eskimos for whale sandwiches? Because I will put you on ice!

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
[on the phone] Yeah, I heard the expression, "mutual respect." You ever heard the expression, "kiss my ass?"

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yeah, well, Arnold, why don't you leave me your card, and I'll be in touch the second your comfort becomes important to me, hmm?

Det. John Kelly:
You will be constitutionally protected from something that can save you 50 years in the joint.

Curtis Perriman:
Hey, I'm askin' for a lawyer now.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
You want me to go out on the street and hail one down for you?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
[sighs] Gimme a heads-up when it's gonna come to shots, I'll make for the fishtank.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
So let's not snag our pants on your sharp ethics, here, all right?

Corday:
Uh, I am having it analyzed in a laboratory. Once I've ascertained its legitimacy, I will involve the proper authorities.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yeah, well while you're ascertaining on that, why don't you tell me where I can find this psychic woman so I can ascertain on her.

Det. John Kelly:
You are just changing tax brackets and not changing friends.

Vartan Illiescu:
You cannot know what is in my mind.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
[Slams his head against the table] I'm gonna spread your brains about this room and look through 'em.

Vartan Illiescu:
You think you are big hero now, yes? Because beating me you have saved some rich people. You only do that, you could only beat me because I am poor, powerless immigrant in the richest country in the world.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
You're wrong there. This is America. I'd'a beat you, rich or poor.

Det. Bobby Simone:
You're no hero, Mr. Rudman. No. How it goes is, you lost your daughter, you lost your dignity. And now you've lost your humanity.

Det. Diane Russell:
First time's always the worst, you know.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
I just got a call from the Federal Marshals' office. What the hell were you doing at Giardella's hotel?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
I was in the neighborhood.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
I don't get you, Sipowicz. You know you're on probation, and you still go over there and put on a Bozo act!

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
Just how do you think I've tried to screw you, Sipowicz? I've watched you crawl inside a bottle and set up housekeeping. I've watched you have your own personal war with some low-life hood that makes you crazy for reasons I will never understand. The fact is, I've cut you slack, because you used to be a good cop.

[Andy is on the phone to a mentally unstable caller]

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
So you got your coat hangers hangin' from your windows, right? Did you string four hangers per pane? Radio and ultraviolet waves, yeah, yeah. Any attempt whatsoever to control your mind from beyond your windows, those hangers are going to neutralize. Right. What about the aluminum foil; did you cover your ceiling? Well, then, you're in business. You've got yourself an alien-thought-proof room there, right. Look, one other thing effective with these control rays is, uh, refuse to think about 'em, yeah. Take a walk, read a book. We call that the "delusion technique." You fend them off with what you're thinking, and it gradually weakens their hold. Alright, yeah. Wonderful, yeah... sure thing, keep in touch.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
[reacting to an incredibly stupid comment by another D] He chose this job over a career in neurosurgery.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Beep. Beep.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Neera Muh - Muka - Yanno, you'd think when these people migrate, they'd take pronounceable names.

Det. Bobby Simone:
Like "Sipowicz"?

Marv Eubanks:
Your badge is melting man!

Det. James Martinez:
Very good!

Det. Greg Medavoy:
"Your badge is melting?"

Det. James Martinez:
Hey, funny guy, eh? Better living through pharmacy!

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
We'll talk to the kids some more, see if the mother was away a lot, but I don't think there was a boyfriend.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
What are you basing that on?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
On the fact that in India, these women throw themselves on their husband's funeral piles.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
Still?

Evelyn Sekzer:
[groans]

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Anybody hear a dog howl?

Evelyn Sekzer:
I don't find that especially funny.

Det. James Martinez:
All right, try and sit still awhile, Marv... and try and get into a landing pattern, OK?

Det. Bobby Simone:
You know, I just shoulda kept my mouth shut about this backup deal.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
I try to teach you tact, I just can't get through.

Det. Bobby Simone:
At least we now know it was an Indian guy.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Now alls we got to figure out is what blood cult he belongs to.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
You know what this is about? Huh? You wanna know what this is gonna be about?

Det. Bobby Simone:
What?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
These people worship *cows*. They, they let 'em live in the house, they'd starve to death before they'd eat him, ok?

Det. Bobby Simone:
Andy, what does that have to do with this DOA?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Because 200 years ago some bride wasn't a virgin and that cursed a whole family line, and now the moon is in Jupiter's a**hole, and some great- great- great- great- grandson had to wreak vengeance, and that's what this is gonna be about.

Det. Bobby Simone:
So we now we got a theory to go on...

Det. Bobby Simone:
Uh, what's your last name?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
[aside] Why don't you quit while you're ahead?

Jatin Bhat:
Bhat.

Det. Bobby Simone:
B-a-t?

Jatin Bhat:
B-*h*-a-t. [waits a beat] The cat got out, they're going to be angry with me!

Det. Bobby Simone:
B-h-a-t, Bhat

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Cat - c-*h*-a-t

Rajesh:
Yes, my name is Mukhopadhyay.

Evelyn Sekzer:
[undertone] Good luck on me pronouncing that.

[last lines]

Sgt. Vincent Agostini:
Good night, Kelly.

Det. John Kelly:
Good night, Sergeant.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
"He embarrassed the job" [sniffs] And piss runs uphill, right, Captain? An you're a stand-up guy.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
It's IAB - they can't find their own heads up their asses!

Det. John Kelly:
I thought I was going to be sixty-five when I left this job, kicking and screaming for that age waiver.

Jack Hanlan:
Back then we had an Irish Department. Oh we had some Guineas, we had Jews, we even had a few N*ggers, but it was an Irish Department and this city was livable. Harlem before the '64 riots, you could walk down the street, you could do your shopping, you could talk to the Spades like they were people, they even treated each other like human beings. You're a young guy Kelly, you grew up in a different department, in a different city.

Det. John Kelly:
You think the old man could have had a heart attack or a stroke?

EMS Officer:
Sure. Before or after he fell thorugh the railing?

Det. Greg Medavoy:
The baton's been passed!

Lt. Susan Dalto:
[Dalto has just learned she has been reassigned] The Chief of D's just told me I've been reassigned.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
Oh, yeah? Where to?

Lt. Susan Dalto:
He didn't say. I guess someone with more juice than I have arranged this. I guarantee I'll find out who did this to me and they will pay.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
And I'd like to know how a supervisor alienates an entire squad in less than 48 hours. A squad who've shown they can deal with anything thrown at them. Meanwhile, you can start your 'investigation' by using the phone in the captain's office downstairs.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
[Dalto leaves. Fancy notices everyone looking at him] Just work your cases while I try to find out who my replacement is.

Norman Gardner:
You girls know the rules: your homework is late, I have to spank you.

Denise:
We know.

Norman Gardner:
Well, get in the position.

Denise:
[spanked] Ouch.

Suzie:
[spanked] Ouch!

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
If I got dick-fist, Brigham, my fist looks like your face.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Hey Medavoy, how come I gotta be Santa Claus?

Det. Greg Medavoy:
Well, uh, Stillwell psychoed out and Walker's got jaundice. No offense, but you're the fattest guy in the squad.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
That hypocrite bastard Haverill knows Fancy's doin' the job. He just wants to move his own man in there. Probably that ass-kisser Murphy.

Det. John Kelly:
How come he's got such a big smile for you?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Who knows? Screw him anyway.

Det. John Kelly:
You think he likes your sunny disposition?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
You got a problem with my disposition?

Andy's Father:
Not this Dornan... None of them! They *all* cost me my eye! They *all* cost me my job!

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
You think if he'd'a known about Angela's johnson down there that'd been an unhappy surprise?

Det. Bobby Simone:
That would have been the anchovy on the pizza.

Inspector Anthony Lastarza:
You're implying you had communications with Angelo Marino prior to his death?

Officer Janice Licalsi:
Uh... prior to his death, yeah. But nothing since.

Donna Abandando:
Yes, I got it all. An evil energy threatening the galaxy. Right. Also threatening you personally with a laser death squad. I got it. Nevermi... I'm not impatient. It's just, we're really busy here with crimes on planet Earth. Okay. Thanks for your phone call. [to Andy] A nut case.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yeah, I gathered.

Donna Abandando:
All part of my job.

Donna Abandando:
Yes, I remember you. I'm glad you called back. My superiors authorized me to release some classified information to you. This is on a top-secret basis. They want me to let you know the gravity shelf is in remission. The laser death team got recalled. Well, if the death team disobeys orders from shelf headquarters...

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
[whispering] Aluminum foil.

Donna Abandando:
In the small event that occurs, just crumple two pieces of aluminum foil and stuff them in your undershorts. It defeats their sensor rays. Definitely. This could collapse the empire of the gravity shelf. Yes, these are great days. Okay. Goodbye.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
[applauding] You saved the galaxy.

Det. Mike Roberts:
How did you handle the big four-oh, Andy?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Well, as far as I can remember, I dedicated that year to Seagram's 7.

Arnold Rudman:
My offer stands: a million dollars. I want the man dead.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
[to Simone, in an undertone] Would that be in unmarked bills?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
The operation's a piece of cake; I had it on both cheeks.

Dr. Harold Pincus:
How's *your* rear?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Not setting off any metal detectors.

Inspector Aiello:
You and Sipowitcz cover the back alley.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Sure you don't want us to cover Port Authority in case he tries to escape by bus?

A.D.A. Sylvia Costas:
Ask me again.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Will you marry me, Sylvia?

A.D.A. Sylvia Costas:
Yes, I will!

Katie Sipowicz:
He could use God's help now.

Andy:
Short term he oughtta settle for getting his head out of his ass.

Katie Sipowicz:
Language!

Det. Bobby Simone:
It's like what James Brown said: "Money won't change you, but time will take you on."

Lou the Werewolf:
I need to see Detective Kelly.

Sgt. Vincent Agostini:
He's busy right now, Lou. You need to take a seat over there.

Lou the Werewolf:
Can you cuff me to the bench?

Sgt. Vincent Agostini:
The C.O. doesn't want anyone unnecessarily restrained in public areas.

Lou the Werewolf:
Unnecessarily?

Sgt. Vincent Agostini:
I don't wanna hear it, Lou.

Lou the Werewolf:
And you don't wanna see it either. I'm telling you! You wanna see a werewolf in a blood rage?

A.D.A. Sylvia Costas:
Normally, I would be very happy with the package, but in this instance, I am a little concerned.

Det. John Kelly:
In the area of...?

A.D.A. Sylvia Costas:
Does it need saying, Detective Kelly? My chief witness thinks that he is a furry carnivore.

Det. John Kelly:
Let me tell you something about Lou. He has his ways, but down deep...

A.D.A. Sylvia Costas:
...he's a stand-up wolf.

Andy:
[While being held hostage] Get Lt. Rodriguez! I need a couple of joints!

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Hey, did you know that New York City tap water tastes better than bottled water? That's not me saying that. That's independent testing.

Simon Rickman:
The man who robbed me was just under six feet tall, 160 pounds, peaches and cream complexion and tousled, strawberry-blonde hair. No scars or distinguishing makrs on his face or arms, but he does have a pierced scrotum. He, uh, wears a little gold ball there.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
You got a good look?

Simon Rickman:
Oh, yes. From all angles.

[on the value of a stolen Oscar]

Sammy Meyers:
I've heard rumblings. Very preliminary. A colleague didn't have the item yet, but he'd been approached. He wanted to know a ballpark worth.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yeah, what would that be?

Sammy Meyers:
Twenty-five.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Thousand?

Sammy Meyers:
You think that's inflated? When a matchbook John Lennon wrote "screw you" on brings in fifteen?

Richie Catina:
Take care. I'll be in touch soon.

Officer Janice Licalsi:
[In an undertone] Don't get cancer, Richie.

Simon Rickman:
Well, I get my oscar back and lecture on free will

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
That's why this is a great police department.

Det. John Kelly:
Look at this... I'm ankle-deep in water over here!

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
It's full of hair... I keep telling you, somebody's hair keeps clogging up the drain.

Det. John Kelly:
You know, well, I guess that rules you out as a suspect.

ADA Sylvia Costas:
I'd say res ipsa loquitur if I thought you knew what it meant.

Andy:
[grabbing his crotch] Hey, ipsa this, you pissy little b*tch!

Alfonse Giardella:
Lois has got people down in Orlando. She thinks she's moving down there.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yeah? Did you tell her she could work Disney World?

Alfonse Giardella:
Say something smarter then that, Sipowicz. You're gonna be dead a long time.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
I'd rather be dead than walk around with that mop on my head!

Det. John Kelly:
When was the last time you tried going on the wagon?

Andy:
When was the last time you tried growing tits?

Andy:
[flapping Alphonse's toupee on his head while holding a gun to his throat] Mr. Wig says, "Alphonse has to go outside now."

Andy:
You get to a point, the hand's been dealt and played.

Det. John Kelly:
You want to get in some trouble?

Det. James Martinez:
I'm up for that.

Lt. Tony Rodriguez:
You know, we were all immigrants once. Unless "Sipowitz" is a Navajo name.

James Sinclair Esq.:
Is there any special reason for you to be in jail right now?

Janice Licalsi:
It's where I'm endin' up, I thought I might as well get used to it.

James Sinclair Esq.:
We're all gonna die. It doesn't mean you have to camp out in graveyards.

[Medavoy and Martinez enter the station covered with garbage from the sanitation dump as everyone around them holds their noses from the stench]

Det. Greg Medavoy:
I expect the aroma to be with us for several more days, despite we're gonna dispose of our overalls. Not to mention the itching, even with the cortisone cream.

Det. James Martinez:
[to Kelly] But, good news. We found the body, John.

Det. John Kelly:
Yeah? I thought the Lieutenant said that you were wrapping it up.

Det. James Martinez:
Medavoy took a guess that it might be in Section 7-6 instead of Section 6-7. We went over to the other station and found it.

Det. Greg Medavoy:
Yeah, we extended our little visit because why would anyone had given us the correct information on the location of the body when this way we... we could extened our exposure to the stink and the bird poop?

Det. John Kelly:
That's a good point, Greg.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
[enters] What's that smell? Somebody puke in here?

Det. Greg Medavoy:
[sarcastic] Yeah, that smell is called Eau de Garbage Dump! You like it? My overalls are drenched in it!

[Medavoy and Martinez walk by the derelict 'Buck Naked' after returning from the sanitation dump]

Buck Naked:
Hey, who sliced the provolone?

Det. John Clark, Jr.:
uh Boss down at Mac's, they have this thing - I don't know if you've heard of it before - it's called "Cold Beer" and let me tell you, they invented it in response to that look on your face.

Lt. Tony Rodriguez:
Maybe

Det. John Clark, Jr.:
Apparently money - Which I currently have in my pocket - can purchase this item.

Det. Bobby Simone:
[opening lines] [Sipowicz arrives for work and looks at his new reading eyeglasses when Bobby Simone enters the locker room]

Det. Bobby Simone:
Morning. How's it going?

[Sipowicz warily walks up to Simone]

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Andy Sipowicz.

Det. Bobby Simone:
Oh, Andy. Bobby Simone. Good to meet you.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Uh... yeah.

[Sipowicz walks out of the locker room and into the squad room where he sees Lt. Fancy arriving for work]

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Hey, Lieutenant. It's no good. It's not gonna work out. I just met this new guy.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
Simone?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yeah. It's not gonna work out.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
What happened?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Don't get me started. His attitude is all wrong. "How you doing?" That type of thing.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
He asked you how you are doing?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yeah. I can't... it's not going to work out.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Hey, how's it going?

A.D.A. Sylvia Costas:
I was just seeing Abruzzo. Is that the new detective?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
[nods] Simone, what kind of name is that?

A.D.A. Sylvia Costas:
First or last?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
If it was his first, he'd be a girl.

A.D.A. Sylvia Costas:
Last name... Simone, sounds French to me.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yeah, maybe.

Det. Bobby Simone:
[into a phone] Hey, I went through a lot of trouble getting that red cock. I don't want to argue with you! You tell Billy that he can't come around my place anymore with his blue-barred cock! Okay... thanks.

[Simone hangs up and sees everyone in the station looking at him]

Det. Bobby Simone:
I breed birds. Racing pigeons.

A.D.A. Sylvia Costas:
[to Sipowicz] Tell him you keep fish.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Assistant D.A. Costas, this is Detective Simone.

Det. Bobby Simone:
How do you do?

A.D.A. Sylvia Costas:
How do you do.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
[to Simone] They gave you that address?

Det. Bobby Simone:
Yeah, she's working Seventh Avenue.

A.D.A. Sylvia Costas:
[to Simone] Must be interesting raising pigeons.

Det. Bobby Simone:
It's a lot of fun, gets you outdoors.

A.D.A. Sylvia Costas:
You guys and your hobbies.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Takes me 22 years to make second grade, this guy gets there shoving away squeegie-bums.

[Officer Roy Larson emerges from the locker room wearing nothing but a towel]

Off. Roy Larson:
Hey, Kelly! You wanna sit on a butt like cottage cheese, be my guest. Meanwhile, I'll be sittin' on this.

[Larson smacks his rear and walks off toward the locker room, while a surprised Lt. Fancy walks in]

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
You gotta admit, Lieutentant... the guy's got a hell of a muscular ass.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
[referring to Off. Roy Larson back in the locker room] What'll it take before somebody drops a gorilla net over this guy?

A.D.A. Sylvia Costas:
And because there are no legal penalties that any of you can expect to suffer, and because none of you exhibits the slightest moral sense or quality of character which would bring you to confront your disgraceful complicity in what happened to this girl on your own... because it's clear that there's no guidance forthcoming from anyone's parents - [turns to Councilman Manos] whose father are you, Councilman?

Councilman Paul Manos:
I- I'm Ted's father.

A.D.A. Sylvia Costas:
[Looks him in the eye] Well, you're obviously a cynic and an opportunist, and by my husband's account, a coward and a liar. [turns back to the boys] and none of the other parents have even seen fit to make a phone call...

Carey:
My parents are in Greece...

A.D.A. Sylvia Costas:
Which is why I am so confident that you boys will leave this room to lead lives filled with the disgusting and contemptable behavior, the selfish and empty viciousness that you displayed so precociously in the matter of this girl's death. [Goes to leave, smiles sweetly at the Councilman] Okay?

Det. Bobby Simone:
This kid here, we could've talked to him all day, his parents are in Greece.

Thelma Morris:
I think my voice made her jump.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Hi, I'm Detective Sipowicz.

Donna Abandando:
Hi, I'm the new detectives administrative aide, Donna Abandando.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
This is Detective Medavoy.

Donna Abandando:
[to Medavoy] Hi. Donna Abandando.

[Medavoy just stares blankly at Donna, unable to speak]

Donna Abandando:
[to Sipowicz] Is he all right?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Uh... Detective Medavoy has taken a vow of silence until they sort out this mess in Bosnia.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
What about the topless bar undercover, Lieutenant?

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
I thought I'd reassign it.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Well, uh, you think that's necessary? Kelly's gonna work interrogation with Conklin and Roberts. He's gonna be schoolin' Martinez. I'd just be like a fifth wheel.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
So you'd prefer to stay on the topless assignment?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Well, I think that's the most bang for our law enforcement buck, manpower-wise.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
Take Medavoy.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
[disappointed] Yes sir.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
We go in, we patronize, we see if the girls are offering anything that isn't on the menu, huh? Kinda like a busman's holiday for me. Objective's to squeeze the owner, who's laundering money for Tony Rago.

Det. Greg Medavoy:
Yeah, listen... uh, Andy...

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yes, Medavoy. You will be seein' naked broads. You gonna have a problem with that?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
An A-plus in the tit department, Monique.

Det. John Kelly:
What's on your mind, James?

Det. James Martinez:
I wanted to ask you, when you sent me outside, you gave me your gun and so forth, uh... I wanted to ask you what happened in there, why the guy gave it up.

Det. John Kelly:
You mean, did I beat it out of him?

Det. James Martinez:
Yeah, if that's why he confessed.

Det. John Kelly:
I didn't beat him.

Det. James Martinez:
Then why'd he give it up?

Det. John Kelly:
Because he's guilty, and he knew I was willing to beat it out of him to get the truth.

Det. James Martinez:
So if it came to it, you would have beaten him?

Det. John Kelly:
Let me put it to you like this. I never raise my hand to a guy if I think he's guilty or if I'm trying to find out if he's guilty. But if I'm sure he's guilty and the case is gonna walk unless I raise my hand, I do what I gotta do.

Det. James Martinez:
Even though you're breakin' the law?

Det. John Kelly:
Okay, you're askin' me if I believe in the Constitution. Yes, I believe in the Constitution, and I hang on to that as long as I can. But in the case of a murderer like this, who's gonna walk, I leave my gun and my jewelry outside, along with the Constitution.

Det. James Martinez:
And if you're wrong about this guy?

Det. John Kelly:
Well, then God forgive me. If you... if you want, I can make somethin' up prettier than that, James. But that's the way it is.

Donna Abandando:
Hi, I'm the new detective's administrative aid, Donna Abandando.

Andy:
*Phew* like to say that three times fast?

Donna Abandando:
Yeah, I know. Those two together... they're quite a mouthful.

Andy:
[Looking at cleavage] Amen to that!

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
All right, by the numbers, otherwise your nuts would be saying, "good bye Johnson, hello eyeballs."

[last lines]

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
I worked a case once. A couple's kid was missing. A 14-month old kid. He wondered away in a park, and we're looking everywhere, and there's flyers we got out, they're interviewed on the radio. The guy's a dog trainer in from the Midwest who came here so he could take this special course with a German Shepherd that he's got. And the wife's half an oilier. You can tell that she likes to drink. I'm just getting this bad feeling about the both of them. So, I go at her a little bit. We're up there in their transient apartment they rented, and finally she says... whatever happened, it wasn't her. So now I'm looking at the husband. He's this... he's this horse-balled tough guy. A fake marine. And he's talking to me about how pets have to be disciplined, and the breakdown of discipline... and I'm getting worried what might have happened with this a**hole. And now she starts screaming that it wasn't her. She was asleep. The baby peed while the father was changing it one night and... uh... it urinated in the guy's face. He threw the baby down on the floor, and fractured its skull, and the baby lay there and died. And what happened with the baby, I wanted to know. And she's still screaming that it wasn't her and I'm looking at this dog, and this a**hole husband is trying to get the dog away from me. This German Shepherd dog with a drooping round belly. Now, I got to cut open this dog to find out what's going on. I take the dog over to the vet's. We cut its large belly open... we got to murder this poor dog and... there's the pieces of the dead child... hacked apart... inside the dog. The sick couple tried to hide their dead baby by hacking him apart and surgically hiding its pieces inside their dog.

[after a long pause]

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Father Kankarides wanted to know if I lost my faith. I got faith in you.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
Hey, Andy, you come up with that address?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
You mean where "Donna Reed" was calling "Little Earl"?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yeah? Maybe I can take my mind off the pain thinking about you up in Ossining gettin' acupuncture up your dirt chute.

Mike Roberts:
I'm covered in blood and brains, all that's missing is a little pink pillbox hat.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Well Lisa, you gotta dead body growin' in your garden. We wanna dig it up. We're just kinda wacky that way.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
[Detectives Andy Sipowicz & Greg Medavoy rush into a garage where Rickie Esposito is attempting to hang his wife] Rickie Esposito, you're under arrest.

Rickie:
What for?

Dan Breen:
Remember: G.R.I.P. Growth. Resolution. Intention. Purpose.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
[mutters] Yeah. Grip this.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yeah, Bensonhurst, John, this is a likely locale, huh? The guy lives here, wants to rob a liquor store in downtown Manhattan, all he's got to do is make like what, nine, ten subway transfers?

Det. John Kelly:
Well, maybe he had business downtown, and came back and did the store then.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yeah, right. Maybe his doctor's down on James Street, huh? The one that gives him his hormone injections that pump him up to 6'3" when he's about to pull a job, and then shrink him down to his normal 5'9" right afterward.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Hey, Walker, we don't have to hold hands, but would you mind not talking to me like I'm Timmy the Laundry Boy?

Det. Walker:
This is notice: I'm not taking any crap from your fat friend.

Det. John Kelly:
Why don't you give him a square shot?

Det. Walker:
I'll give him the shot he earns. But I'm telling you, if that drunk screws up my case...

Det. John Kelly:
You haven't been paying attention. He hasn't had a drink in over two months, Walker, so why don't you take your attitude and shove it up your ass?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
I've got to exhibit a continuous positive approach. Even with this dimbulb over here.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
[comes over to Kelly and Det Walker who are discussing him] This is something the whole class can appreciate?

Det. Walker:
I wanna pick him up, Sipowicz thinks he may be too short.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yeah, let's pick him up, maybe he was wearing lifts.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Just keep both hands your po-po and try to make wee-wee.

[Lt. Fancy and James have just discovered Greg binging on peanut butter]

Det. Greg Medavoy:
You caught me cheating.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
I never got to like chunky.

Det. James Martinez:
You want us to get some of that plain?

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
I'm better without the temptation.

Det. Greg Medavoy:
That's me as well. I've got motive in my nervousness, so I gotta deprive myself of opportunity.

Det. James Martinez:
Otherwise, he might murder Mr. Peanut.

Russian Woman:
How could this happen? What's wrong with this country?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
What's wrong with this country? What's wrong with it is too many people from other countries screw it up.

Det. Bobby Simone:
Detective Sipowicz here is one of the few Native American Poles.

Gomelsky:
She was a person, had a family, send money to her family in Chernobyl.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Their letters back have kind of a green glow to 'em?

[a Nigerian drug mule has just died after the bag of drugs has broken inside his body]

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Welcome to America.

[Sipowicz and Simone are walking up to an art gallery]

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
You know, statistics show 85 percent of these art guys are homos.

Det. Bobby Simone:
Yeah, huh?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yeah. 85 percent, minimum.

Geri Turner:
Do you have just a minute for me?

[Geri gets very close to Andy]

Geri Turner:
Do you see what's under my blouse?

[She starts undoing buttons]

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
What, are you crazy?

Geri Turner:
Oh, I'm not talking about my breasts.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Button your blouse.

Geri Turner:
My undergarment is rubber. It's holding all my fluids in.

[Andy quickly walks toward the coffee room]

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Bobby. That girl is a menace.

Det. Bobby Simone:
Geri?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Just made a pass at me. Said she's wearing a diving suit under her clothes.

Det. Bobby Simone:
How is that a pass?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
I'm telling you what her intentions were.

Det. Greg Medavoy:
I guess the one DOA, he's now the dealer *formerly* known as Prince.

Fat Cat:
What's goin' on, man?

Det. Bobby Simone:
Gerard Markham?

Fat Cat:
Oh, you call me that, my mama must've sent you.

[Bobby cuffs Fat Cat]

Fat Cat:
That mean we goin' in?

Det. Bobby Simone:
That's right, Fat Cat. We are going in.

Fat Cat:
See, you call me that, now I know who you're talking about.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yeah, you keep talking like we're chums, blimpy. We'll give you the secret handshake back at the station house.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Your buddy just give you up, Trent, or am I taking that wrong? Is there anything you want to do about that, or, uh, you want to start thinking about being a husband to some guy named Joe?

Det. George Harper:
Now I'm ashamed I was ever on this job.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
I guess that makes it unanimous.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
That's how Patterson felt after the first Johansson fight.

Lt. Arthur Fancy:
Had to go back a while, Andy - a white heavyweight who could punch?

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
If you feel the need to put your bulletproof vest back on, Daryl, that's probably a tipoff you're hanging out with the wrong guys.

Det. Greg Medavoy:
What was it between you and that guy?

Donna Abandando:
Gregory, he thought he was Don Juan!

Det. Greg Medavoy:
He was muttering your name on that wire.

Donna Abandando:
I can't help what he muttered. And you're being silly... which I find very sweet.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Regret for the past is a waste of spirit.

Det. Greg Medavoy:
You still here?

Steve Richards:
Me? Uhhh... not any more.

Bartender:
All right, but I didn't know anything about any whacks. Zeppo said he owed him some money.

Det. Andy Sipowicz:
Yeah, right, and I'm an Indian Princess.

det. Medavoy "am I talking to a decent person or someone acting like that jerk caterpillar in Alice in wonderland ?"