Oliver Beene

[on walking in on his parents having sex]

Oliver:
Oh my god you're killing each other.

Narrator - Adult Oliver:
I realized whenever Coach wanted to insult you he would call you by a certain junk food he was craving.

Jerry:
You dropped out of junior college.

Charlotte:
To have your baby.

Jerry:
Oh sure blame it on Ted.

Narrator - Adult Oliver:
An old proverb goes, "bring me the boy at ten and I'll show you the man he will one day become."

[Jerry has just walked in on Ted making out with an African-American girl]

Jerry Beene:
What have you got to say for yourself?

Ted Beene:
Don't you people ever knock?

Narrator - Adult Oliver:
Black, white, or Martian green, one thing is for sure; a bunch of kids pouring gasoline into a rocket is never a good idea.

Narrator:
Last time Dad drank gin, he spent all of the next day in the can.

[Jerry is head-first in a trash can]

Michael:
Sweetie, the thing about colors is, you can't wear them all at the same time.

[describing Harvey Dillman]

Narrator - Adult Oliver:
Rebel, bad seed, moron.