Opposite of Sex

Dedee:
Randy, be Christlike!

Lucia:
You're probably a blessing in disguise. F***ing good disguise.

Dedee:
I'd like a Long Island iced tea, please.

Bill Truitt:
Is that a good idea, for the baby?

Dedee:
Oh, please. This baby owes its life to Long Island iced teas, if you know what I mean.

Jason Bock:
If I save one kid from getting butt-f***ed, from having his ass totally reamed until it looks like the Lincoln Tunnel and he can't stand up for three weeks, then maybe all of this is worth... something. Teachers everywhere have to learn that no means no... at least until we've dropped out.

Dedee:
I just don't think it's something we should rush into.

Lucia:
Oh, no, no. But bring another human life onto the planet -- that's whim time.

Randy:
I'm just askin' that you stand by your man, like I'm standin' next to you! You know, a lot of guys, man, they woulda said that, "Shucks, man, she took up with them homosexuals. You know, she turned her back on righteousness."

Dedee:
Oh, yeah, but blowing you in the backseat of your car every day after band, that was a stairway to heaven, right?

Girl Student:
This is America, and we're Christians here -- aside from a few Jewish people who were just born that way -- and I can tell you one thing: Jesus Christ and his apostles were certainly not into "man-on-man action," which is how they describe it on their porno videos, which, I am proud to say, Blockbuster does not carry. Um, I work there and it's very family...

Girl Student:
Plus, that religion John Travolta belongs to.

Bill Truitt:
He made his bed, he can lie in it.

Lucia:
If there's room.

Lucia:
Why did he grow that beard? And his posture! He looks like Early Man.

Lucia:
Matt, this is not your baby, OK? It's some other idiot's baby, probably with an eighth grade education and a trunk full of Waco pamphlets.

Lucia:
Vagina, vagina, vagina. Does that word do anything for you?

Bill Truitt:
I don't think it does much for anyone, gay or straight.

Dedee:
I don't have a heart of gold and I don't grow one later, OK? But relax. There's other people a lot nicer coming up -- we call them losers.

Dedee:
God. How does a woman get so bitter?

Lucia:
Observation.

Lucia:
Are you having contractions?

Dedee:
No, this is my sleepy face! WHAT THE F*** DO YOU THINK?!

Dedee Truitt:
Lucia and Carl had their baby. You can imagine the pick of that litter. It was the kind of kid that if you played with it too much after a feeding, you threw up.

Dedee:
My mother was the kind of mother who always said she was her daughter's best friend. Whenever she did, I thought, "Great, not only do I have a shitty mother, but my best friend's a loser b*tch."

Lucia:
You've got a death wish. That's so selfish. I have one too, but I direct it toward others.

Matt Mateo:
I've never tried communism, but I know I wouldn't like that. It's the same thing. Or grits.

Dedee:
Sex always ends in kids or disease or like, you know, relationships.

Lucia:
This is how we do things on the Planet Maturia. We have much to teach you.

Sheriff Carl Tippett:
What's the point of sleeping with you if it doesn't get your attention?

Sheriff Carl Tippett:
Say the point of sex isn't recreation or procreation or any of that stuff. Say it's concentration. Say it's supposed to focus your attention on the person you're sleeping with, like biological highlighter. Otherwise, there's just too many people in the world.

Dedee:
This part where I take the gun is like, duh, important.

Matt Mateo:
I'm bisexual.

Lucia:
Puh-lease! I went to a bar mitzvah once. That doesn't make me Jewish.

Lucia:
Bill, I don't think he's as stupid we think.

Bill Truitt:
As you think, Lucia.

Lucia:
Fine! Goddammit! God... F***! Sh*t! I hope Tom Cruise is as straight as they come... I never thought he wasn't!

Lucia:
I don't know how you do it. You're always so nice and so calm. Tom was like that too. It's depressing.

Bill Truitt:
You're nice.

Lucia:
That's how I always felt around you too, like the Baroness in The Sound of Music. While everybody's just singing and climbing an Alp. And I just wanna STUFF THAT GUITAR UP THAT NUN'S ASS! And... ugh!

Jason Bock:
Ow, that's pierced! Ow!!

Bill Truitt:
Listen to me, you little grunge f*ggot. I survived my family, my schoolyard, every Republican, every other Democrat, Anita Bryant, the Pope, the f***ing Christian Coalition, not to mention a real son of a b*tch of a virus, in case you haven't noticed, and in all that time since Paul Lynde and Truman Capote were the only fairies in America, I've been busting my ass so that you'd be able to do what you wanted with yours! So I don't just want your obedience right now, which I do want and plenty of it, but I want your f***ing gratitude, and I want it right f***ing now, or you're going to be looking down a long road at your nipple in the dirt! Do you hear what I'm saying?!

Jason Bock:
Yes!!

Bill Truitt:
Take me to them!

Jason Bock:
OK, OK, just let me go!

Jason Bock:
Ow, ow! You're supposed to be my brother, man!

Bill Truitt:
Hey, I was brotherly, man. Think where else you're pierced. Let's go.

Lucia:
Oh, good, it's my delivery from 1-800-PITY.

Dedee Truitt:
Yeah, too bad he's a homo, right?

Lucia:
That's not how I would put it.

Dedee Truitt:
Well too bad he's however you would put it.

Dedee Truitt:
My name is Dedee Truitt. I'm sixteen, and this is Creve Coeur, Louisiana...which is French, I think, for like, 'f***ed heart'.

Dedee Truitt:
What'd you think, *I'd* be the dead one? I'm the f***ing narrator, guys! Keep up!

Dedee Truitt:
I know in movies you kind of feel sorry for girls like this, but in real life, you wouldn't be sitting next to her either.

Dedee Truitt:
Les was a real a**hole. To get cancer of the ass was, like, poetic. Almost as good as cancer of the dick, if they have that.

Jason Bock:
For all I know, you killed him.

Bill Truitt:
For all you know, I'm just getting started.

Lucia:
This is about trimesters.

Matt Mateo:
Yeah, I know. I want her to go back to school too.