Orange County

Shaun:
I have to go to college.

Cindy:
Why?

Shaun:
Because it's what you do after high school.

Lance:
Do you want me to get naked and start the revolution?

Principal Harbert:
People, June is just around the corner, let's talk graduation speakers. Ideas?

Shaun:
Toni Morrison, she's in town that same weekend for a book signing. She's won the Nobel Prize.

Principal Harbert:
Interesting... Dana, didn't you say you have a cousin who was friends with Britney spears?

Bud Brumder:
A writer? What do you have to write about? You're not oppressed. You're not gay.

Shaun:
Mom, you know that money can't buy happiness.

Cindy:
Oh grow up! Yes it can.

Shaun:
Mom, you know money can't buy happiness...

Cindy:
Oh grow up, yes it can!

Shaun:
But you and Dad have money and you're both miserable.

Cindy:
...He's miserable?

Lonny:
Dude, face the fear.

Arlo:
Dude, let's go get lit and jump off the roof of my house.

Ashley:
Look Shaun, I'm sorry you didn't get into Stanford. But if you think that going here is the only way that you can be the person you want to be, well then I just feel sorry for you.

Lance:
It was, it was a total electrical fire, it as like a the switches had sparks comin' out and the sockets an a... it was like the fourth of July man.

Firefighter:
Why aren't you wearin' your pants Joe?

Lance:
I tripped and a then I had to take them off to run faster out of the flames

Don.Durkett:
SEAN! You're my same height, that is neat.

Shaun:
Lance, I want you to stay in your room.

Lance:
Why?

Shaun:
Because you're an embarrassment.

Lance:
OK!

Shaun:
Hey guys, what's up?

Chad:
Hey, what's up dude? Hey dude, check this out. Last night we're at this party, and little Arlo here,he decides to like confess his undying love to me. Did I tell ya he was a fruitcake or what?

Arlo:
Bro, that's not true. This is the real story dude. Chad crashed at my house right, and I woke up in the night, he wa fondling my...

Chad:
Dude, I lost my keys. I was looking for 'em.

Mr. Burke:
Shaun! I read your story. You used a lot of big words. Great! Good for you! It was a little long, so I didn't read the whole thing, but who cares 'cause I gave you an A!

Cindy:
Is Bob Dead? Did something break?

Mr. Burke:
Hehe poop.

Lance:
Dude, I never went to college and check me out. I'm kick ass!

Shaun:
You think you're going to create a T-shirt company? You can't even dress yourself!

Bud Brumder:
If you do this I will eat your face!

Krista:
Bud is getting so fat. You should really talk to him, he's going to have a heart attack. Plus he's fat.

Lance:
Yeah, she was all "I hate my job! I'm gonna burn this mother down!" and I said, "You better not... you better not."

Mr. Burke:
Now, when I say "Romeo and Juliet," who comes to mind?

Dana:
Clare Danes?

Mr. Burke:
That's right, Clare Danes. Who else?

Chad:
Leonardo Di Caprio.

Mr. Burke:
Right. Who else? Well, you know someone else was involved in that movie who in some ways is as famous as Leonardo Di Caprio. And his name is William Shakespeare. And some great movies have been made based on his plays: Hamlet, West Side Story, The Talented Mr. Ripley, Waterworld, Gladiator, Chocolat...

Lance:
You banged mom?

Firefighter:
What's your name?

Lance:
Joe... John. Joe-John.

Firefighter:
Your name's Joe-John?

Bud Brumder:
What is that smell? What am I sitting in?

Cindy:
Relax. It's just urine.

Bud Brumder:
Oh.

Bud Brumder:
You know your son was being a real brat today, a real pain in the ass.

Cindy:
My son.

Bud Brumder:
He said I was selfish. He said that everything's always about me.

Cindy:
He called me a drama queen, said I was trying to sabotage him.

Shaun:
What are you doing lying there?

Lance:
Oh, my parole officer wants to give me a drug test and I need your urine... can I score some of your piss?

Shaun:
Yeah.

Lance:
Awesome, man.

Bud Brumder:
What the f...?

Cindy:
So I married Bob, for you! I slept with Bob four times for you! So how can you call me a bad mother?

Shaun:
Dad, I want to become a writer.

Bud:
A writer?! What do you have to write about? You're not oppressed, you're not gay.

Shaun:
Not all writers are gay.

Bud:
Well, they are all poor. I'll tell you that.

Firefighter:
What's your name?

Lance:
Uh, Joe... John... uh, Joe-John.

Firefighter:
Your name's Joe-John?

Lance:
John-ston, Johnston. Joe.

Firefighter:
You wanna tell me what happened here?

Lance:
Uh, there was a fire, I dunno, I came by and it's... checkin out the fire.

Firefighter:
Well that lady uh, Mona? She said that you two were in the building together when the fire started.

Lance:
Yeah, she's a liar, cuz I dunno her so whatever, whatever she says is a lie, so...

Firefighter:
K, so you're saying you weren't in the building with that woman?

Lance:
No, not I! Aright, she started it, aright? Because she was like "I hate my job, I'm gonna burn this mother down!" And I said "You better not... you better not!"

Firefighter:
She said it was an electrical fire.

Lance:
It was. It was a total electrical fire, it was like uh, the switches had sparks comin out, and the sockets, and uh it was like the 4th of July, man!

Firefighter:
Why aren't you wearing your pants, Joe?

Lance:
I tripped, and uh then I had to take 'em off to run faster out of the flames... [coughing] I think I inhaled some smoke, will you excuse me one second, I'll be right back. [runs away in the background]

Firefighter:
[into walkie talkie] We got a sprinter. Five foot five, no pants, unkempt... portly.