Our Idiot Brother

Ned:
This is like free therapy. New York State cares.

Billy:
Nothing like two dudes and a dog making candles.

Ned:
Such a cliche.

Jeremy:
[Referring to Ned not being able to go through with a 3-way with a man and a woman] Just because you're straight doesn't mean you're homophobic.

Ned:
[Feeling ashamed of himself] I don't know, maybe I should have tried harder.

Ned:
I need some leg warmers, my Croc is stuck!

River:
Go f*** yourselves!

Ned:
[working with Billy in their new recycled candle shop] Anyway, what I was saying though, is that people recycle cans, they recycle papers, you know... why not, why not candles? I say, we put a bin out, let people bring their old drippings in their convenience.

Billy:
It's like those, those bags, that say - I used to be a plastic bottle. We can have a bin that say - I used to be another candle!

Ned:
That's a great idea. Yeah. And then when they bring those candles, we put them in another bin that say - I used to be another another candle.

Billy:
Yeah... and eventually we can just have one that say - "Trust me, I used to be a lot of candles!"

Ned:
[agreeing, amused by the idea] I was a ton... I used to be a lot of candles!

Billy:
[still revising his literary contribution] Trust me man... I have been other candles!

Ned:
[looking for his dog Willy Nelson] Hey man, have you seen Willy Nelson?

Billy:
Oh, Yeah, definitely.

Ned:
When?

Billy:
[realizing what was actually asked] Oh you mean recently? I just meant, in general, I have seen him!

Ned:
Ok I, I really didn't want to get litigious, but I brought a lawyer.

Cindy:
[off-screen, shouting into the phone] Well I am sorry I don't have a fat, throbbing cock for you!

Janet:
That's some Ivy League sh*t out there, man.

Omar:
[speaking extremely slowly] I'm Officer Omar Coleman. I'm your parole officer.

Ned:
I'm Ned Rochlin. Why are you talking so slow?

Omar:
[now speaking normally] I just figured, looking at your sheet, that since you sold grass to a uniformed police officer that you must be retarded.

Ned:
Yeah, I get that a lot.

Ned:
Hey, you know, I've been meaning to tell you. You're doing a really good thing here, Omar. Seriously. I mean you talk to us screw-ups, you give us a reason for getting out of bed in the morning.

Omar:
Thanks, man. So you get out of bed in another three weeks, OK?

Ned:
I'll do it.

Omar:
I appreciate the compliment. It's rare that we get love from the clients.

Ned:
Well, you're a good dude. And I just needed this appointment today, I'm having a tough go of it. I swear, I try and do good, but I just screw it up. Man, I screwed it up with my sisters, I'm back living with my mom. On top of it all, I broke down and smoked a joint with the kid that lives across the street from me.

Omar:
OK, I didn't just hear that.

Ned:
I said I broke down and smoked a joint with the kid that lives across the stre...

Omar:
What are you doing? Hey! Ned, why are you telling me this?

Ned:
I just need to unload, man. That's part of why I'm here, right?

Omar:
I'm not your therapist, Ned. You don't tell your parole officer you got high. Now I have to report you or I could lose my job.

Ned:
Seriously? Can you forget I said that?

Omar:
No, Ned, I can't.

Ned:
Aw, f***.

Ned:
[about River] You know, he's just a little boy. Little boys fight. Doesn't mean he's going to grow up to be a frat-boy rapist.

Janet:
I am not going to stand here and be insulted on my own porch.

Miranda:
I'll insult you right here.

Janet:
OK, I'm a pacifist. I don't play that way.

Miranda:
I'm gonna peace you in the side of the f***in' head you don't give us the dog. [sic]

Janet:
I'm not going to receive that with anything but love.

Natalie:
[On the phone, to Cindy's voicemail] I know you're not gonna call me back but... Hum, one more thing, remember that time I missed your awards dinner? Well, hum, I wasn't really working. I was at home watching Kourtney and Kim Take New York... I'm sorry, hum... What else?

Ned:
I like to think that if you put your trust out there; if you really give people the benefit of the doubt, see their best intentions, people will rise to the occasion.

Billy:
Do you think this is an ugly candle?

Ned:
No way, man. There's no such thing as an ugly homemade candle.

Miranda:
Every man I meet is either a dick or a looser.

Ned:
What about Jeremy? He's not a dick. And he's not a looser, either.

Miranda:
Well, that's debatable. He doesn't even have health insurance.

Ned:
Neither do I. At least I don't think I do.

Miranda:
You're wearing plastic shoes, and what is this shirt made out of?

Liz:
It's flax.

Miranda:
See? I mean, isn't that a food? You're wearing food.