Pain & Gain

[first lines]

Daniel Lugo:
[groaning and grunting out his situps] I'm hot! I'm big!

Daniel Lugo:
[sees a squad of police cars] F***!

[from trailer]

Daniel Lugo:
My name is Daniel Lugo, and I believe in fitness. All this began because it was time to push myself harder, otherwise I was looking at another forty years wearing sweatpants to work...

[from trailer]

Victor Kershaw:
I'm a self-made man. I've made a lot of money!

Daniel Lugo:
Why don't you spend some of it on salads?

Victor Kershaw:
You know who invented salads? Poor people!

[from trailer]

Paul Doyle:
You can't just kidnap a guy and take his things! That is so illegal!

Daniel Lugo:
Victor Kershaw is a criminal prick, who deserves bad stuff to happen to him!

[from trailer]

Paul Doyle:
We go through with this, nobody gets hurt right?

Daniel Lugo:
No, man! We snatch him, we grab him, signs a few signature, we give him a protein shake! He dunnit even know what happened! I watched a lot of movies Paul, I know what I'm doing!

[from trailer]

Victor Kershaw:
What happens now?

Ed Du Bois:
Now, I go to work!

[from trailer]

Paul Doyle:
You said no violence!

Daniel Lugo:
And I meant it when I said it, I swear to God...

Paul Doyle:
I can NOT kill!

Daniel Lugo:
Duly noted! Look, I promise when this is over, we'll all go camping, OK?

Paul Doyle:
OK...

[from trailer]

Victor Kershaw:
Give me my money back!

[from trailer]

Paul Doyle:
They got my toe! You can see the bone! [holds up his toe in plastic bag]

Paul Doyle:
[sees his pet chihuahua] Hey, little buddy, you hungry? [gives his toe to the chihuahua]

[from trailer]

Daniel Lugo:
[to a little boy] Don't eyeball me! I've seen your mother driving up and down these streets looking at me! I'll be your stepfather in about a week!

Ed Du Bois:
The event you are about to see took place in Miami Florida between October 1994 and June 95. Unfortunately, this is a true story.

Paul Doyle:
Why'd you make me do that to you, Victor? I have responsibilities! Jesus Christ himself has blessed me with many gifts! One of them is knocking someone the f*** out!

Daniel Lugo:
Life's gonna give me another set. I know it will.

Daniel Lugo:
[referring to electric chainsaws] F***ing Chinese crap!

Paul Doyle:
Jesus Christ himself has blessed me with many gifts, one of them is knocking someone the f*** out!

Daniel Lugo:
Sometimes God just f***s up your order and you gotta chow down on that shitty shame sandwich.

Paul Doyle:
You know why habit rhymes with rabbit? Because your life goes down a rabbit hole.

Daniel Lugo:
I put up with stuff that they don't have names for in civil society.

Daniel Lugo:
In the end after reviewing our past performance, we could come to only one conclusion. We're so much better when we wing it.

Adrian Doorbal:
I'm a man who just got married and his penis don't work.

Adrian Doorbal:
Hey, is that breast milk?

Paul Doyle:
What?

Adrian Doorbal:
Is that breast milk?

Paul Doyle:
Why would that be breast milk?

Adrian Doorbal:
'Cause this is. Listen: You take this, you put it in there, and you got the real HGH. I'm talkin' about a steroid shake. I got this pregnant chick I buy it from - she real clean, too.

Paul Doyle:
No...

Adrian Doorbal:
No, no, no, for real, she just got her tests and everything. Oh, my - You ever suck a pregnant woman titty? Oh, my god, this so good. Come on, try some. [off no answer] It'll make you great, man. You already big, but you could be bigGER. You know? I'm big - I'mma be swole, though. Walk sideways through doors. You want some? We can be titty brothers. [laughs] Yeah!

Paul Doyle:
I'm gonna go with "No." Excuse me.

[Doyle is in a warehouse full of sex toys]

Paul Doyle:
[to Lugo over a walkie-talkie] Didn't you say your friend kept athletic supplies in his warehouse?

Daniel Lugo:
Do we have to have this conversation now? Over. What's the issue?

Paul Doyle:
I'm looking at a lot of homo-stuff right now, Patriot One. [looks at a male blow-up doll] A *lot*.

[about some vibrators]

Adrian Doorbal:
There's some complex engineering in these things.

Daniel Lugo:
I have no sympathy for people who squander their gifts. It's sickening. It's worse than sickening. It's unpatriotic.

Motel Clerk:
Why would you want to have your honeymoon here?

Paul Doyle:
[Gets out baseball bat] Oh, this place has a lot of fond memories for me. The very first time I bashed a man's skull in was here, and it was a mess! But that bat was aluminum. I've switched to wood. So you should get your ass out here right now or I'll bash your brains all over that wall with one f***ing swing.

Paul Doyle:
There is life after death. Of that, I am sure. But I'm also pretty sure dead people no longer need their stuff.

Daniel Lugo:
If you're willing to do the work, you can have anything. That's what makes the U.S. of A great. When it started, America was just a handful of scrawny colonies. Now, it's the most buff, pumped-up country on the planet. That's pretty rad.

Johnny Wu:
Get a Goal. Get a plan. And get up off your ass!