Paper

Martha:
Bladder control, you don't miss it until it's gone.

Carmen:
You wanna cover Brooklyn, then cover Brooklyn! But let me tell you something, it's a little tough to do from a barstool in Manhattan.

Henry:
Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me.

Henry:
I realize this doesn't exactly get us off on the right foot.

Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel:
The right foot, are you out of your mind? The offer is rescinded. How stupid do you think we are? What do you think I get when I put two and two together? Three? Three and a half?

Henry:
Look, I'm trying to be reasonable here, and just let me...

Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel:
Why don't you just take my wallet as well?

Henry:
Let me talk. Let me say something, wait a m...

Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel:
Well, I hope you're satisfied, a**hole! You just blew your chance to cover the world!

Henry:
Really. Well guess f***ing what? I don't really f***ing care. You wanna know f***ing why? Because I don't f***ing live in the f***ing world! I live in f***ing New York City! So go f*** yourself!

Janet, Henry's Secretary:
You handled that well.

Henry:
Thank you.

Bernie:
Well, you're in management now. If everybody loved you, you'd be doing something wrong.

Martha:
Why don't you just pour battery acid down your throat?

Henry:
No caffeine.

Martha:
Wear a tie for the interview. And promise me you won't torpedo it on purpose, okay?

Henry:
What's the matter with Phil? It looks like he sat on something sharp.

Janet, Henry's Secretary:
Well, you told him he could have Richard's old desk, right?

Henry:
Right.

Janet, Henry's Secretary:
And now you promised it to Carmen. Are you completely psychotic?

Henry:
I have episodes. Nothing serious.

Janet, Henry's Secretary:
Phil is still pissed you wouldn't approve his $600 orthopaedic chair. And now with this desk thing, he's convinced it's a conspiracy to prevent him from sitting down.

Henry:
Jeez. What are these?

Janet, Henry's Secretary:
Subway wreck, West 4th Street this morning. Did you find the one with the...

Henry:
Is that an arm?

Janet, Henry's Secretary:
Yeah, you found it.

Henry:
Doesn't anybody say "good morning" any more?

Carmen:
I don't think so.

Henry:
Sometimes you can just smell a horrendously shitty day on the way, can't you?

Bernie:
You do have a problem, Henry. But it's your problem.

Henry:
Thanks, Bernie. You've been a big help.

Henry:
For God's sakes, Alicia. We're not gonna ask some news reporter to wait until after 5:00 to make out-of-state phone calls. It's ridiculous. I'm not gonna do it.

Alicia:
Okay, let's let them make free phone sex calls too.

Henry:
You mean as a kind of bonus? That's not a bad idea. Why don't you start with Phil?

Phil:
Aw, Jesus, Bernie. Come on with the smoke. You know the doctor found nicotine in my urine again.

Bernie:
Then keep your dick out of my ashtray.

Bernie:
What about something fun? Don't we have anything fun today?

Henry:
Nazis marching in New Jersey.

Lou:
There you go.

Bernie:
Nazis are a barrel of laughs.

Anna:
Oh, Henry, this might interest you. The mother whale in the Ukraine had triplets.

Henry:
She told me she was on the pill!

Bernie's Doctor:
Now don't overreact. If we go after it early, before it metastasizes to a bone, the majority of these prostate cancer cases are beatable.

Bernie:
Go after it how?

Bernie's Doctor:
Irridation therapy.

Bernie:
That's fantastic. That's wonderful, because... as it turns out, that's exactly the portion of my anatomy I'd like to see exposed to radiation.

Bernie's Doctor:
You'll have to take an hour or two off work for each treatment. We should start right away. How's next monday?

Bernie:
To burn a hole in my ass? Sounds good. Then I still have the weekend.

Bernie:
Could you possibly be any more humourless about this?

Bernie's Doctor:
I don't believe so. No.

Lou:
Big scoop from the TV guys. Pinhead's brother cancels trip.

Henry:
When did you get so paranoid?

Michael McDougal:
When they started plotting against me.

Henry:
Hey, do you remember Sedona Savings and Loan? They went under six months ago. We did a big piece on 'em.

Michael McDougal:
I don't read this newspaper.

Michael McDougal:
Let Marty talk to her husband. Please.

Lou:
Vinnie, can you bring your creamy friend along with you and join us?

Henry:
I've got 64 seconds. What's wrong?

Bernie:
Deadline: A date or time before which something must be done.

Henry:
It's a Marx Brothers movie every time I step in my office.

Alicia:
One of our security guards actually tried to frisk me. We're having drinks later.

Lou:
Great. "Gotcha" with a slammer.

Anna:
Oh yeah, god forbid this paper ever runs anything without an exclamation mark.

Bernie:
Where did you get this?

Henry:
This? I stole it off Bladden's desk at The Sentinel.

Bernie:
Jesus, Henry, I was kidding.

Henry:
You know, they called us "cute", and I was right there and they were out of tote bags.

Bernie:
You got a cop quote?

Henry:
A what?

Bernie:
Quote. You know, they talk, you write, we print?

Bernie:
If we get art on the two kids at the walk of shame, it's "Gotcha!".

Henry:
Did McDougal call in?

Janet, Henry's Secretary:
No.

Henry:
No message at all from McDougal?

Janet, Henry's Secretary:
I have no motive for lying, Henry.

Lou:
What do you think?

Henry:
I hate it.

Lou:
Me too.

Henry:
What do you think I'm trying to do?. Look, I got news for you. I'm not locked up in the men's room with a cop because it's a good time. Frankly, I've had better times, okay? I'm here because I think the story is wrong. Is it? Is it? If you have something, give it to me now, but don't stand there and act coy and say "F*** you", because, quite frankly, it's a waste of all of our time. And you know what? I don't have any more time. I have no more f***ing time. I need it f***ing today, I need it right now!

Bernie:
Do you hate me? If you hate me, there's no point.

Deanne White:
I don't know you enough to hate you.

Henry:
Are you telling me these banker schmucks lost $5 million of the Mob's money?

Martha:
Dumb fellas, huh? Unwise guys.

Martha:
Oh, come on! I dump a big, fat juicy steak in your lap, and you ask for sauce?

Martha:
Henry, listen. Tomorrow is fine. Tomorrow.

Henry:
No, today.

Martha:
Tomorrow.

Henry:
Today. Today. Today. Today.

Martha:
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!

Henry:
Today, now. Today, now. Today.

Henry:
Robin happens to be a professional news photographer.

Alicia:
Robin happens to be 14 years old.

Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel:
The Sedona item. you stole it right off my desk!

Henry:
Uh...

Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel:
Uh, uh, uh, my ass!

Michael McDougal:
What's with all the grunt work? I'm a columnist.

Henry:
You're not a columnist. You're a reporter who writes long.

Henry:
I can't stay. I have to put the paper to bed. But what do you say we all get together later and go have some dessert at that... place.

Henry:
I - You're shouting, first of all.

Martha:
I know I'm shouting! I like to shout!

Bernie:
I hate columnists! Why do I have all these columnists? I got political columnists, guest columnists... celebrity columnists - The only thing I don't have is a dead columnist. That's the kind I could really use.

Henry:
Right. Listen...

Bernie:
We reek of opinions. What every columnist at this paper needs to do is to shut the f*** up.

Bernie:
Don't just take a position because it's the opposite of what she says! It's like watching a bunch of sixth graders, for Christ's sake!

Henry:
Don't take the bat out of my hand. It's the ninth inning.

Alicia:
There's something I'd like to discuss. I didn't want to bother you upstairs. I feel an obligation to... act on this directly with you because I think we have a good - I think we have a good relationship... and I'd like to take it further. And I think the way to do that is face to face. You know, you and I, face to face.

Graham Keighley:
Alicia.

Alicia:
Yeah?

Graham Keighley:
I'm gay.

Alicia:
Oh, umm... well, I mean, I wasn't - I mean, that's fine.

Graham Keighley:
Alicia?

Alicia:
Yeah?

Graham Keighley:
I'm kidding.

Second Kid:
Man, I'm so scared.

First Kid:
Don't talk.

Second Kid:
Yeah, what am I supposed to do?

First Kid:
Stay awake.

Michael McDougal:
You got an honest-to-God exclusive.

Henry:
I think we got room for 20 inches on this one. Give me a killer lead. By the way, you got three minutes.

Michael McDougal:
I need four.

Henry:
Three.

Michael McDougal:
I need four.

Henry:
Alright, whatever. Just make it fast.

Henry:
I'm stopping it.

Michael McDougal:
What?

Henry:
We stop and replate. Go upstairs and write up what you've got. Tell Lou to send down "They Didn't Do It".

Michael McDougal:
Hey Henry, are you going to say it? You gotta say it.

Henry:
Use the same art they used for "Gotcha!".

Michael McDougal:
Come on, how often do you get the chance? You can't just do it and not say it, come on!

Henry:
I - Stop the presses!

Alicia:
People take the Sun with a grain of salt. We'll run yours tomorrow.

Henry:
No! Not tomorrow! Right f***ing now today!

Alicia:
We're not exactly the Washington Post, okay?

Michael McDougal:
No, we're not. We run stupid headlines because we think they're funny. We run maimings on the front page because we got good art. And I spend three weeks bitching about my car because it sells papers. But at least it's the truth. As far as I can remeber we never ever, ever knowingly got a story wrong, until tonight.

Marion Sandusky, New York Parking Commissioner:
You made my wife cry when she reads the paper.

Michael McDougal:
At least she bought it, didn't she?

Michael McDougal:
A woman's been shot. We need an ambulance.

Alicia:
Could I have one too?

Martha:
Didn't you notice?

Henry:
What?

Martha:
All the crap. Today I can't even remember it.

Alicia:
We taint them today, we make them look good on Saturday. Everybody's happy.