Parental Guidance

[from trailer]

Harper Decker Simmons:
[with a mouthful of cake] Yogurt not like ice cream! You lied!

Diane Decker:
Bravo! Oh, wow! Harper, that was wonderful!

Harper Decker Simmons:
I stunk.

Diane Decker:
You most certainly did not! [to Dr. Schveer] Wasn't she wonderful?

Dr. Schveer:
No. This will *not* be good enough for your audition. You must practice more! When my daughter underperforms, I shun her. *This* girl should be shunned!

Barker Simmons:
Carl and I wanna leave.

Artie Decker:
Don't leave your seat.

Barker Simmons:
You said "don't".

Artie Decker:
Consider the consequences, mister.

Diane Decker:
Artie!

Artie Decker:
I'm sorry! I can't take this anymore! This whole "teachable moments" of protecting their self-esteem and nobody gets punished and every game ends in a tie! All I hear is "Use your words. Use your words," but the word they never use with the kids is "No!"

Alice Simmons:
You threatened her violin teacher?

Diane Decker:
She says threatened, I call it defending my granddaughter.

Diane Decker:
You know what we are? We're the OTHER grandparents.

Artie Decker:
Well we can't be all 4.

Turner Simmons:
It's d-dirty out here.

Barker Simmons:
And windy.

Artie Decker:
Yeah, it's called outdoors.

Harper Decker Simmons:
[eating ice cream cake] Mom, you lied to me! Yogurt is not like ice cream!

Turner Simmons, Artie Decker:
[watching Saw] AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Artie Decker:
[pauses movie] They made 6 of these?

Artie Decker:
Eggless egg salad, how am I gonna know it when I see it?

Artie Decker:
Harper, here're your sausages.

Harper Decker Simmons:
Soy-sages.

Artie Decker:
Soysages? Where are you, the Bronx?

Artie Decker:
I feel 10 years younger than I am, and I look 10 years younger than that, so you're asking a 38 year old to retire.

Diane Decker:
You're 38? Good, paint the house.

Drayton Glass:
We're looking for guys who Tweet.

Artie Decker:
I'll tweet, I make any kind of noise you want.

Harper Decker Simmons:
Just type in 'get to school'.

Artie Decker:
Why is that easier than you just telling me how to get there?

Diane Decker:
Dr. Schveer? I shun you, consider yourself shunned.

Diane Decker:
You know what grandparenting is? Second chance.

Mr. Cheng:
My parents are Japanese, I'm Chinese, my kids are Korean and they go to a Hebrew school, oy vey!

Artie Decker:
For the record, I was never going to actually spank Barker.

Harper Decker Simmons:
But you said you were.

Artie Decker:
But I didn't.

Harper Decker Simmons:
But he didn't know that.

Artie Decker:
That's *why* it worked.

Harper Decker Simmons:
Oh.