Patch Adams

Hunter Patch Adams:
And my report will read IDGARA: I don't give a rat's ass.

Truman:
I thought only I could repel women with that kind of raw efficiency.

Hunter Patch Adams:
I'm really starting to love the back of your head.

Arthur Mendelson:
You learn anything about proctology yet Patch? Good, take care of this a**hole for me, will ya?

Hunter Patch Adams:
You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person I'll guarantee you'll win.

Hunter Patch Adams:
Yeah, I could do it. We both know you wouldn't stop me. Let's think about the logic. You create man, man suffers enormous amounts of pain, man dies. They say you rested on the seventh day, well maybe you should have spent that day on compassion.

Hunter Patch Adams:
We need to start treating the patient as well as the disease.

Hunter Patch Adams:
We can head on down to the maternity ward. You know those chicks put out.

Arthur Mendelson:
How many fingers do you see?

Hunter Patch Adams:
Four.

Arthur Mendelson:
No no! Look beyond the fingers! Now tell me how many you see.

Arthur Mendelson:
You're focusing on the problem. If you focus on the problem, you can't see the solution. Never focus on the problem!

Arthur Mendelson:
See what no one else sees. See what everyone chooses not to see... out of fear, conformity or laziness. See the whole world anew each day!

Hunter Patch Adams:
You have the responsibility to be a dich head. How hard can that be? All you have to do is make sure your head is a dick, and it's attached to your neck.

Carim Fisher:
Lesbian, airhead, ballbuster, whichever one of these disgusts you the most, take your pick. Please spread the word: I'm not here to date. I'm not here to flirt. I'm here to study.

Carin Fisher:
When can I open my eyes?

Hunter Patch Adams:
As soon as I open mine.

Hunter Patch Adams:
Ye of little faith.

Hunter Patch Adams:
Who likes to masturbate?

Hunter Patch Adams:
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly without complexities abide. I love you because I know no other way then this. So close that your hand, on my chest, is my hand. So close, that when you close your eyes, I fall asleep.

Hunter Patch Adams:
What's wrong with death sir? What are we so mortally afraid of? Why can't we treat death with a certain amount of humanity and dignity, and decency, and God forbid, maybe even humor. Death is not the enemy gentlemen. If we're going to fight a disease, let's fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference.

Carin Fisher:
When I was a girl I would look out my bedroom window at the caterpillars; I envied them so much. No matter what they were before, no matter what happened to them, they could just hide away and turn into these beautiful creatures that could fly away completely untouched.

Patch Adams:
Last night with Rudy, I connected to another human being. I want more of that. I want to learn about people, help them with their troubles.

Dr. Prack:
That's what I do.

Patch Adams:
But you suck at it. You don't even listen to them when they talk. I wanna listen; I wanna really listen. You don't understand. I'm leaving.

Dr. Prack:
Hunter, if you leave my records will say AMA, that you signed out of this hospital Against Medical Advice.

Patch Adams:
And mine will say IDGARA: I Don't Give A Rat's Ass. And my name is Patch.

Patch Adams:
Excuse me, Beenie. Which way is heaven [due to Beenie's catatonic state, his hand is raised; everyone laughs (except Dr. Prack)] Correct. Beenie, how much taller is Wilt Chamberlain than you? [patients laugh]

Rudy:
Hey, Beenie, Beenie, Beenie. Where's the ceiling?

Bile:
Where do the birds fly, Beenie?

Patch Adams:
How do you say hello to Hitler?

Other patient:
Beenie, Beenie. How does Hitler say hello?

Patch Adams:
Beenie, how do you check an elephant for a hernia? [patients laugh] Who can win a staring contest? [points to Beenie] Beenie!!

Rudy:
Who... who farted?

Everyone:
[laughing and pointing at Beenie]

Patch Adams:
Who likes to masturbate? [all patients and "Patch" raise their hands] Beenie, how does a one-armed referee say, "Field goal?"

[Joletta has just met Patch]

Joletta:
Look here, Judy, another future boss.

Patch Adams:
Oh, I wouldn't look at it like that.

Joletta:
You may think I'm exaggerating, but in another five years you'll be so full of yourself you'll have to hang a cup out your ass just to catch the excess.

Arthur Mendelson:
[his attorney is expressing concern over him using his land for Patch's free medical clinic] You learn anything about proctology yet?

Patch Adams:
A little.

Arthur Mendelson:
Good. Take care of this a**hole for me, will you?

Mitch Roman:
I don't mean to be rude, but aren't you a little old to be starting medical school?

Patch Adams:
You know, Babe Ruth was 39 when he joined the Yankees.

Mitch Roman:
No, he wasn't!

Patch Adams:
I know. If you have a better example, please tell me. Hi. Patch Adams.

Mitch Roman:
Mitch Roman. Georgetown University. I was awarded the William F. Thompson Scientific Achievement Award.

Patch Adams:
Mmm. Emerson Elementary. I once drew a picture of a rabbit that got me two gold stars.

Patch Adams:
[Angrily entering his room to his roommate Mitch Roman] You told Walcott I cheated. I know you did it, just tell me why.

Mitch Roman:
Look, cut the crap, Hunter. I live with you, I know how much you study, or should I say "don't" study. And you do better than me? Give me a break.

Patch Adams:
You arrogant, pompous prick! Who appointed you custodian in medical profession? Is it because your father was a doctor, and his father was a doctor? Is it some sort of genetic thing?

Mitch Roman:
You're damn right.

Patch Adams:
Really?

Mitch Roman:
You know, I grew up with it. I know what it takes to look in the eyes of dying people day after day after day and then come home for dinner at night. I know what it takes. You don't have it.

Patch Adams:
Oh, really? And you do? If you don't like me, just say it.

Mitch:
I don't like you!

Patch Adams:
Why don't you like me? You're a prick, and I like you.

Mitch:
Because you make my effort a joke! I want to be a doctor! This isn't a game to me! This isn't play time! This is serious business! I have it in me to be a great doctor! But in order to do that, I have to sacrifice in order to be better.

Patch Adams:
Better? Better than me?

Mitch:
I will save lives that have otherwise not been saved. Now, I can be like you, and go around laughing and have a good time, ha-ha, but I prefer to learn. Because the more I learn, the more likely I will have the right answer the crucial moment and save a life. And you say I'm a prick? You say I'm a prick? You know, maybe I am. But you ask the average person when death comes knocking at their door, whether they'll want a prick on their side, or some kindergarten teacher who's gonna kiss their ass! Because when that day comes, I'll want the prick, and so will you.

Patch Adams:
[Leaving the room] You know, I forget how young you are, Mitch. That you think that you have to be a prick to get things done, and that you actually think that that's a new idea.

Dean Walcott:
...You are not cut out to be a physician and it is my responsibility--

Patch Adams:
Responsibility? You have one responsibility: To be a d*ckhead. How hard can that be? All you have to do is make sure your head is a dick and it's attached to your neck.

[Hunter enters Bill Davis's hospital room dressed as an angel carrying a book]

Patch Adams:
Preview of coming attractions.

Bill Davis:
[calling out] Nurse...

Patch Adams:
[reads from the book] Death. To die. To expire. To pass on. To perish. To peg out. To push up daisies. To push up posies. To become extinct. Curtains, deceased, demised, departed, and defunct. Dead as a doornail. Dead as a herring. Dead as a mutton. Dead as nits. The last breath. Paying a debt to nature. The big sleep. God's way of saying, "Slow down."

Bill Davis:
[he starts to yell at Patch but changes his mind] To check out.

Patch Adams:
To shuffle off this mortal coil.

Bill Davis:
To head for the happy hunting ground.

Patch Adams:
To blink for an exceptionally long period of time.

Bill Davis:
To find oneself without breath.

Patch Adams:
To be the incredible decaying man.

Bill Davis:
Worm buffet.

Patch Adams:
Kick the bucket.

Bill Davis:
Buy the farm.

Patch Adams Take the cab.

Bill Davis Cash in your chips.

Patch Adams And if we bury you ass up, I have got a place to park my bike.

Patch Adams:
Now you have the ability to keep me from graduating. You can keep me from getting the title and the white coat. But you can't control my spirit, gentlemen. You can't keep me from learning, you can't keep me from studying. So you have a choice: you can have me as a professional colleague, passionate, or you can have me as an outspoken outsider, still adament. Either way I'll probably still be viewed as a thorn. But I promise you one thing: I am a thorn that will not go away.

Charlie:
Is that all?

Patch Adams:
I hope not, sir.

Patch Adams:
All of life is a coming home. Salesmen, secretaries, coal miners, beekeepers, sword swallowers, all of us. All the restless hearts of the world, all trying to find a way home. It's hard to describe what I felt like then. Picture yourself walking for days in the driving snow; you don't even know you're walking in circles. The heaviness of your legs in the drifts, your shouts disappearing into the wind. How small you can feel, and how far away home can be. Home. The dictionary defines it as both a place of origin and a goal or destination. And the storm? The storm was all in my mind. Or as the poet Dante put it: In the middle of the journey of my life, I found myself in a dark wood, for I had lost the right path. Eventually, I would find the right path, but in the most unlikely place.

Patch Adams:
Our job is improving the quality of life, not just delaying death.

Patch Adams:
Hey, I'm trying to lose a little weight, here. Have I lost too much? Have I gone too far? Got a boner. I am a boner.

Patch Adams:
I wanted to become a doctor so I could serve others. And because of that, I've lost everything. But I've also gained everything.