Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief

Chiron:
Percy, take this to defend yourself. It's a powerful weapon. Guard it well. Only use it in times of severe distress.

Percy Jackson:
This is a pen. This is a pen.

Chiron:
[quietly to Grover] They found him. He's in danger.

Percy Jackson:
Who found me?

Percy Jackson:
I get the sense that you don't like me very much.

Annabeth Chase:
It's possible. I mean, our parents hate each other.

Percy Jackson:
Wait... they do?

Annabeth Chase:
Mm-hmm. I definitely have strong feelings for you. I just haven't decided if they're positive or negative yet.

Percy Jackson:
Well, you let me know when you figure it out.

Annabeth Chase:
You'll be the first.

Percy Jackson:
[Gabe slaps Sally's butt] Oh, come on, man. You have to do that right here? That's disgusting. We're in a kitchen.

Annabeth Chase:
[leaning in as if to kiss Percy, then swiping his sword] First rule of battle strategy. Don't ever let your opponent distract you.

Grover:
[holding up the Medusa head] Guys, I cannot pee with her watching!

Annabeth Chase:
We better leave before Homeland Security shows up.

Grover:
[seeing the daughters of Aphrodite in the hot tub, and turning to Percy] Daughters of Aphrodite... You know what that means, man!

Hades:
[yelling] Persephone! What could possibly be taking so long? Don't ignore me!

Persephone:
[yells back] Or what? What will you do?

Persephone:
I'm already in Hell.

Poseidon:
I know I'm not the father you always wanted. But if you even need me, I'll be there for you. In your thoughts, in your dreams.

Poseidon:
Zeus.

Zeus:
Poseidon.

Poseiden:
It's been many years.

Zeus:
What do you see?

Poseiden:
Thunder clouds.

Zeus:
With no lightning. Stolen.

Grover:
[holding up Medusa's head] Guys, I can't pee with her watching me!

[passing the room, the maid sees the head, screams, and runs off]

Grover:
Sorry, guys. I messed up. I should have closed the curtains.

Annabeth:
Come on, guys. Let's hit the road before Homeland Security shows up.

[As the hellhounds chase Percy, Annabeth, Grover, and Sally into the gate of souls, Hades and Persephone share a kiss until suddenly, Persephone snatches the bolt. Hades thinks that she is playing around]

Hades:
Alright, come on. Come on, give it back.

[Persephone strikes Hades with the bolt, knocking him out. She laughs enthusiastically and turns around]

Persephone:
[to the hounds; throws her hand out] Fyge makria tous! [the gates slam shut, and the hounds leave]

Grover:
Bad dog! Bad dog!

Persephone:
He won't remember a thing!

Percy:
[draws his sword] Why'd you do that?

Persephone:
Because, he's cruel and abusive! The only thing I look forward to is my allotted time away from this hellhole. A war of the gods would put an end to all that, and I'd be alone with only him, forever. [holds the bolt out to Percy] Go. Take the bolt. And your mother.

[last lines]

Gabe:
I need a beer. [goes to the refrigerator and sees a lock on the door along with a note that reads "Do not open this refrigerator under any condition! EVER! No matter what!! - Percy"] What? "Do not open..." That little brat. Well, I may not live here anymore... but I'm still the king of this castle. [grabs a fire extinguisher, breaks the lock, and opens the door to reveal Medusa's head on the top shelf. Her eyes glow yellow, and her snakes hiss. The camera goes down one snake's throat, and the screen turns black. The sound of stone hardening is heard.]

[first lines; Zeus and Poseidon meet at the top of the Empire State Building]

Poseidon:
Zeus.

Zeus:
Poseidon.

Poseiden:
It's been many years.

Zeus:
What do you see?

Poseiden:
Thunderclouds.

Zeus:
But no lightning. Stolen.

Poseidon:
What, you think I took it? Omnipotence has blinded you, brother. We are forbidden from stealing each other's powers.

Zeus:
But our children aren't.

Poseidon:
You're accusing my son? I haven't seen him since he was a baby. He doesn't know me; he doesn't even know who he is because of you.

Zeus:
If your son is the thief, I will send him to the depths of Tartarus.

Poseidon:
[grabs Zeus in rage] If you touch him, you will have the fight of your life!

Zeus:
[breaks free] He must return the bolt to me in 14 days, by midnight on the summer solstice... or there will be war.

Grover:
[seeing the daughters of Aphrodite] Ooh. The daughters of Aphrodite. Okay. All right, guys. You guys got a lot of catching up to do. Their mother is the goddess of love, so you know where that leads.

Gabe:
Woman!

Sally:
Hi, Gabe.

Gabe:
Where's my beer?

Sally:
It's in the fridge.

Gabe:
So, what, it's supposed to magically float from the icebox and into my hand? Hustle. [Gabe slaps Sally's butt]

Percy:
Oh, come on, man. You have to do that right here? It's disgusting. We're in a kitchen. Yeah, real charmer you got there, really. Show some respect, all right? That's my mom right there.

Gabe:
This is my house. You show some respect.

Percy:
Oh, come on. Why do you stay with that pig? He smells like a sewer. He sleeps till noon every day and he can't even hold a job. Why do you stay with him?

Sally:
He's been good to us, Percy, in ways you don't understand.

Percy:
You're right. I don't understand. I don't get it.

Gabe:
Sally! More beer!

Percy:
Mom! Hey, Mom. Mom! Mom! Look, we gotta talk, okay?

Gabe:
Hey! Can't you see she's servicing me and my friends?

Percy:
Hey. Hey! Don't talk about my mom like that, you bald-headed freak.

Sally:
No, Gabe! Gabe!

Grover:
Calm down! [Gabe gets hurt by Grover's crutches]

Gabe's Friend:
Whoa!

Percy:
Hey, nice one.

Grover:
Like I said, I'm your protector.

Grover:
Perce, check this out, man. You're on TV.

Male TV Reporter:
...surrounding the missing boy, Percy Jackson, and his mother, Sally Ugliano. But their relatives have some interesting theories.

Female TV Reporter:
So, Mr. Ugliano, talk to me about your son, Percy Jackson.

Gabe:
No, he's not my son. He's a stepson. He did not come from these loins. Ever since he started with the drugs and the alcohol, he's never been the same.

Percy:
Oh, no.

Gabe:
Five nights ago, he tried to kill me and he threw his mother on the ground. And his cripple friend then attacked me from behind and knocked me out. When I woke up, Sally was gone. She was kidnapped by Percy. She would never leave with that...

Percy:
Shut up, Gabe. Great. Now I'm a fugitive.

Grover:
See? That's what I'm talking about, man. Gabe's always running his mouth. He's just mad because I busted him up with my crutches. [holding up Medusa's head] Guys, I can't pee with her watching me!

[passing the room, the maid sees the head, screams, and runs off]

Grover:
Sorry, guys. I messed up. I should have closed the curtains.

Annabeth:
Come on, guys. Let's hit the road before Homeland Security shows up.

Main Characters:
Logan Lerman as Percy Jackson

Main Characters:
Brandon T. Jackson as Grover Underwood

Main Characters:
Alexandra Daddario as Annabeth Chase

Main Characters:
Jake Abel as Luke Castellan

Gods:
Sean Bean as Zeus

Gods:
Kevin McKidd as Poseidon

Gods:
Steve Coogan as Hades

Gods:
Melina Kanakaredes as Athena

Gods:
Rosario Dawson as Persephone

Gods:
Dylan Neal as Hermes

Gods:
Erica Cerra as Hera

Gods:
Stefanie von Pfetten as Demeter

Gods:
Dimitri Lekkos as Apollo

Gods:
Ona Grauer as Artemis

Gods:
Serinda Swan as Aphrodite

Gods:
Conrad Coates as Hephaestus

Gods:
Ray Winstone as Ares

Gods:
Luke Camilleri as Dionysus

Mythical Creatures:
Uma Thurman as Medusa

Mythical Creatures:
Pierce Brosnan as Chiron

Mythical Creatures:
Maria Olsen as Mrs. Dodds

Mythical Creatures:
Julian Richings as Charon

Mythical Creatures:
Chelan Simmons as the Lotus Eater

Mortals:
Catherine Keener as Sally Jackson

Mortals:
Joe Pantoliano as Gabe Ugliano