Pete 'n' Tillie

Tillie Shlain:
Honeymoon's over. Time to get married.

Pete Seltzer:
What were you saying about the gardener?

Tillie Seltzer:
We're going to have to let him go.

Pete Seltzer:
[incredulously] Let him go? What are you talking about? He's got six kids.

Tillie Seltzer:
Apparently, those are the only seeds he can plant.

Gertrude:
You have one Jewish grandmother. You're three-fourths Lutheran. Why do you keep insisting that you're Jewish?

Pete Seltzer:
Because I'm a social climber.

[first lines]

Tillie Shlain:
I wasn't looking forward to this party - or meeting Pete Seltzer. But when you've reached my age and your friends are beginning to worry about you, blind dates are a way of life.

Pete Seltzer:
[Trying to make small talk, upon first meeting Tillie] Where were you born?

Tillie Shlain:
I hail from San Jose.

Pete Seltzer:
I have to be honest with you. That isn't much of a "hail". Next time you're asked, say, oooh, I don't know... Indianapolis.

Pete Seltzer:
[while on their first date, at a Greek restaurant] You see that tiny man in the aisle there? That's Mr. Grougaris. He owns the joint. You notice anything strange about him?

Tillie Shlain:
[Turning around and looking at him] Just that he's obviously wearing elevator shoes. Is that it?

Pete Seltzer:
Exactly. And it gives me an opportunity to say to my dates, "Beware of Greeks wearing lifts".

Tillie Shlain:
I *hope* you won't say that to me.

Pete Seltzer:
[sheepishly] I won't.